MORNING.THE SKY IS PALE, CLOUDS DRIFTING LAZILY AS IF THEY'VE NEVER KNOWN THE WEIGHT PRESSING ON MY CHEST.I WALK TO SCHOOL WITH MINJI SKIPPING AHEAD "TAP TAP TAP!!" AND HANA CHATTING BESIDE HER. THEIR LAUGHTER FEELS WARM, TOO WARM, ALMOST UNREAL. "HAHAHA!!"I'M SCARED OF IT.BECAUSE GOOD THINGS NEVER LAST FOR ME.
AT SCHOOL, IT BEGINS.WHISPERS. "PSSST PSSST—"SNICKERS. "HEH HEH—"GLANCES THAT LINGER TOO LONG. "STARE—"
THEY USED TO IGNORE ME. NOW, SUDDENLY, I'M VISIBLE AGAIN—AND NOT IN THE WAY ANYONE WANTS TO BE."HEY, DID YOU HEAR? THAT GLOOMY GUY FOLLOWS HANA AROUND.""CREEPY, RIGHT? LIKE A STALKER.""UGH, IMAGINE SITTING NEXT TO HIM. POOR HANA."
THE WORDS SLICE DEEPER THAN KNIVES. "STAB—STAB—"I CLENCH MY FISTS UNDER THE DESK. "GRIP—CRK!!" MY NAILS DIG INTO MY PALMS, BUT I FORCE MY EXPRESSION BLANK. IF I REACT, IT'LL GET WORSE.
ACROSS THE ROOM, HANA HEARS THEM TOO. HER BROWS FURROW, LIPS PARTING LIKE SHE'S ABOUT TO DEFEND ME——BUT I SHAKE MY HEAD. JUST SLIGHTLY.DON'T. PLEASE. DON'T.
IF SHE SPEAKS UP, THEY'LL TURN ON HER TOO.HER LIPS PRESS TOGETHER, FRUSTRATION FLASHING IN HER EYES. BUT SHE STAYS SILENT, FOR MY SAKE.I HATE THAT.I HATE MAKING HER SILENCE HER VOICE.
LUNCHTIME AGAIN. "DING DING!!"I SLIP AWAY EARLY, HOPING TO ESCAPE THE EYES THAT BURN HOLES IN MY BACK. "WHISPER… SNICKER…"THE ROOFTOP FEELS HEAVIER TODAY, THE SKY PRESSING DOWN LIKE IT WANTS TO CRUSH ME. "WHOOSH—"
HANA FINDS ME ANYWAY."YOU HEARD THEM, DIDN'T YOU?" SHE SAYS QUIETLY, SETTING HER BENTO DOWN. "CLACK."I DON'T ANSWER. SILENCE IS SAFER.
BUT HANA ISN'T FOOLED."THEY'RE WRONG, YOU KNOW. ABOUT YOU. ABOUT EVERYTHING." HER EYES BURN WITH CONVICTION. "I WON'T LET THEM TWIST WHO YOU ARE."
MY THROAT TIGHTENS. "GULP." FOR A MOMENT, I ALMOST WANT TO BELIEVE HER. ALMOST.BUT REALITY DRAGS ME DOWN. "THUD—"
"YOU SHOULDN'T WASTE YOUR ENERGY ON ME." MY VOICE CRACKS. "…HHH." "IF YOU STAND TOO CLOSE… YOU'LL GET HURT TOO."
HER CHOPSTICKS PAUSE MIDAIR. "CLINK—" "…DO YOU REALLY THINK I'D ABANDON YOU THAT EASILY?"I LOOK AWAY. BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS, YES. PEOPLE ALWAYS DO.
AFTER CLASSES, I LINGER BEHIND TO CLEAN THE CHALKBOARD—A JOB I VOLUNTEERED FOR. "SWIPE SWIPE—SQUEAK."NO ONE NOTICES THE LITTLE THINGS, BUT MAYBE… IF I DO THEM, OTHERS WON'T HAVE TO.THAT'S ENOUGH, RIGHT?
"OPPA!"I TURN. MINJI STANDS AT THE DOORWAY, HANA RIGHT BEHIND HER."WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS DOING THE BORING JOBS ALONE?" MINJI POUTS. "HMMPH!!" "YOU SHOULD COME PLAY WITH US SOMETIMES."I FORCE A SMILE. "…HAA." "BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS TO."HANA TILTS HER HEAD, STUDYING ME. "HMMM—" "YOU ALWAYS TAKE ON MORE THAN YOU NEED TO."
HER WORDS STIR SOMETHING SHARP INSIDE ME. BECAUSE ISN'T THAT ALL I'M GOOD FOR? TAKING BURDENS, STAYING QUIET, KEEPING OTHERS SAFE FROM THE MESS THAT I AM?
DAYS PASS.THE RUMORS GROW. "PSST—SNICKER—"SMALL "ACCIDENTS" BEGIN—A MISSING NOTEBOOK, A SODA CAN SPILLING OVER MY BAG "SPLASH!!", SCRIBBLES ON MY LOCKER "SCRATCH SCRATCH." NOTHING I CAN PROVE. NOTHING HANA CAN STOP.
EVERY TIME, I GRIT MY TEETH AND BEAR IT. "GRR—" BECAUSE IF I EXPLODE, I'LL ONLY CONFIRM WHAT THEY WHISPER.
BUT ONE DAY, IT GOES TOO FAR.
GYM CLASS. "WHISTLE!!"WHILE CHANGING BACK, I HEAR LAUGHTER OUTSIDE THE LOCKER ROOM. "HAHAHAHA!!"MY BAG LIES ON THE BENCH… TORN OPEN. "RRRIP—"
MY NOTEBOOKS ARE SCATTERED, MY SKETCHBOOK FLIPPED OPEN FOR EVERYONE TO SEE. "FLAP!!"DOODLES. SCRIBBLES OF HANA'S RIBBON, HER SMILE, MINJI'S GOOFY EXPRESSIONS. INNOCENT DRAWINGS—BUT IN THEIR EYES, TWISTED EVIDENCE.
"WHOA, LOOK AT THIS. HE'S TOTALLY OBSESSED WITH HER.""CREEP ALERT!""BET HE HIDES OUTSIDE HER HOUSE TOO."
MY HEART SLAMS AGAINST MY RIBS. "THUMP THUMP THUMP!!" I REACH OUT, DESPERATE TO GRAB THE SKETCHBOOK——BUT SOMEONE SNATCHES IT FIRST. "SNATCH!!"
NOT JUST ANYONE.THE NEW TRANSFER STUDENT.TALL, CONFIDENT, WITH A SMIRK THAT DRIPS POISON. "SMIRK—"HE WAVES THE SKETCHBOOK MOCKINGLY. "FLIP—RUSTLE." "WELL, WELL. DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO BE THIS TYPE."
THE CROWD ROARS WITH LAUGHTER. "HAHAHAHA!!!"I FREEZE. MY BLOOD RUNS COLD. "SHIVER—"THIS… THIS IS HOW IT STARTS. THE SLOW ISOLATION. THE FRAMING. THE DESTRUCTION OF EVERYTHING I THOUGHT I HAD REBUILT.
MY HANDS TREMBLE. "SHAKE SHAKE—" I WANT TO SCREAM. TO DENY IT. TO TAKE BACK WHAT THEY'VE STOLEN.BUT IN THAT MOMENT, ALL I CAN DO… IS STAND THERE.SILENT. "… …"
AND SOMEWHERE, DEEP INSIDE, I FEEL A PART OF MYSELF BEGIN TO CRACK. "CRACK—"
THAT EVENING, HANA VISITS AGAIN.MINJI DRAGS HER INTO THE LIVING ROOM, PULLING HER TOWARD THE SNACKS MOM PREPARED. "CLATTER—RUSTLE—LAUGH!!" THEIR VOICES ECHO WITH WARMTH.I SIT UPSTAIRS, ALONE.
MY SKETCHBOOK LIES IN MY LAP—CREASED, STAINED, VIOLATED. "FLIP… SLUMP."I SHOULD FEEL ANGER. RAGE. BUT ALL I FEEL IS EMPTINESS. "HOLLOW—"
IF THIS CONTINUES… HANA WILL BE DRAGGED INTO IT TOO.I GLANCE DOWNSTAIRS, WHERE HER LAUGHTER MIXES WITH MINJI'S. "HAHA—GIGGLE!!"THEY SOUND SO HAPPY TOGETHER.
AND I REALIZE—MAYBE THAT'S ENOUGH.IF I CAN KEEP HANA'S SMILE ALIVE, EVEN FROM THE SHADOWS… MAYBE THAT'S ALL I'M GOOD FOR.EVEN IF IT MEANS BREAKING MYSELF.