DARKNESS.A SUFFOCATING, ENDLESS BLACK SPACE WITH NO WALLS, NO FLOOR, NO CEILING—JUST AN OCEAN OF NOTHINGNESS.I SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT, KNEES TUCKED TO MY CHEST, ARMS WRAPPED TIGHTLY AROUND MYSELF.I CAN'T EVEN HEAR MY OWN HEARTBEAT ANYMORE.ONLY SILENCE.ONLY EMPTINESS.
"WHY DID IT COME TO THIS?"
THE QUESTION REPEATS ENDLESSLY IN MY HEAD LIKE A BROKEN CASSETTE TAPE.
ONCE, I USED TO SMILE FREELY. ONCE, I USED TO LAUGH WITH OTHERS, PLAY SOCCER AFTER CLASS, TALK ABOUT ANIME AND GAMES WITH CLASSMATES UNTIL THE SUN DIPPED BEHIND THE ROOFTOPS.
BUT MIDDLE SCHOOL CHANGED EVERYTHING.
THE TEASING STARTED SMALL—ABOUT MY GLASSES, ABOUT MY VOICE CRACKING, ABOUT HOW CLUMSY I WAS. THEN IT GREW CRUELER. MOCKING, SHOVING, WHISPERS BEHIND MY BACK THAT SPREAD LIKE POISON.
DAY AFTER DAY, I BECAME QUIETER. STEP BY STEP, I ERASED MYSELF, UNTIL I LEARNED THE SAFEST WAY TO LIVE WAS TO NEVER SPEAK, NEVER DRAW ATTENTION, NEVER EXIST.
AND SO, SIYUN—THE CHEERFUL BOY—DIED LONG BEFORE ANYONE NOTICED.
WHAT'S LEFT IS ONLY ME.A SHELL.A SHADOW.
"OPPAAAAA! BREAKFAST IS GETTING COLD!"
A CHEERFUL, SING-SONG VOICE PIERCES THROUGH THE VOID.
I FLINCH, AS IF THE DARKNESS ITSELF CRACKS APART, AND THE BLACK FADES INTO THE PALE CEILING OF MY BEDROOM. THE FAINT SMELL OF TOASTED BREAD AND FRIED EGGS DRIFTS UP FROM THE KITCHEN.
MY LITTLE SISTER.
EVEN IF THE WORLD FORGETS ME, SHE DOESN'T.
DRAGGING MYSELF UP, I PUT ON MY UNIFORM AND HEAD DOWNSTAIRS.
"GEEZ, YOU'RE SO SLOW, OPPA!"
MINJI—MY LITTLE SISTER—POUTS, PUFFING HER CHEEKS IN EXAGGERATED ANNOYANCE AS SHE SITS AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE. SHE'S ONLY IN MIDDLE SCHOOL, YET FAR MORE ENERGETIC AND OUTSPOKEN THAN I'VE EVER BEEN.
HER PONYTAIL BOBS AS SHE WAVES HER SPOON AT ME DRAMATICALLY. "YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME LATE! WHAT WILL PEOPLE SAY IF THE EVER-PERFECT MINJI SHOWS UP LATE BECAUSE OF HER GLOOMY BROTHER?"
I SIT QUIETLY, BITING INTO TOAST. "…PERFECT, HUH?"
"OF COURSE! I'M POPULAR, FUNNY, ATHLETIC, SMART—BASICALLY THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF YOU."
HER TEASING IS SHARP, BUT HER GRIN SOFTENS THE WORDS. SHE DOESN'T MEAN HARM.
I SIGH. "THEN WHY ARE YOU EATING BREAKFAST AT THE SAME TABLE AS ME? SHOULDN'T MISS POPULARITY HAVE BETTER COMPANY?"
MINJI STICKS OUT HER TONGUE. "BECAUSE DESPITE BEING GLOOMY, YOU'RE STILL MY OPPA. AND MOM SAYS I SHOULD TAKE CARE OF YOU."
I GLANCE AT MOM, WHO'S BUSTLING AROUND THE KITCHEN, HER APRON DUSTED WITH FLOUR. SHE PRETENDS NOT TO LISTEN, BUT I CATCH THE WAY HER SHOULDERS RELAX AT MINJI'S WORDS.
"EAT WELL BEFORE SCHOOL, SIYUN," SHE SAYS GENTLY, SETTING A GLASS OF MILK IN FRONT OF ME. "DON'T SKIP LUNCH EITHER. AND…"
HER TONE GROWS LIGHTER, ALMOST CASUAL. "…YOU'LL SEE HANA-CHAN AT SCHOOL TODAY, WON'T YOU?"
I NEARLY CHOKE ON MY TOAST. "H-HANA?"
"AH, I FORGOT TO MENTION," MOM CONTINUES, SMILING AS THOUGH SHE'S SHARING A HARMLESS SECRET. "HER MOTHER CALLED ME YESTERDAY. THEY'RE MOVING BACK TO TOWN. HANA-CHAN WILL BE TRANSFERRING TO YOUR SCHOOL STARTING TODAY. ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?"
MINJI CLAPS HER HANDS. "YAY! HANA-NEECHAN IS BACK!"
MY THOUGHTS SPIN. HANA… THAT GIRL…
I REMEMBER FAINTLY—A SUMMER YEARS AGO, BEFORE MIDDLE SCHOOL CONSUMED ME. OUR FAMILIES SPENT AFTERNOONS TOGETHER. HANA'S LAUGHTER, THE WAY SHE HELD MINJI'S HAND AS IF SHE WERE ALREADY A BIG SISTER, THE WAY SHE SPOKE TO ME LIKE I WASN'T INVISIBLE.
AND NOW… SHE'LL BE SITTING IN THE SAME CLASSROOM AS ME?
WHY DOES MY CHEST ACHE WITH BOTH DREAD AND A FAINT WARMTH I HAVEN'T FELT IN YEARS?
THE WALK TO SCHOOL IS THE SAME AS ALWAYS—QUIET, WITH MINJI SKIPPING AHEAD AND ME TRAILING BEHIND LIKE A SHADOW.
BUT AS SOON AS I STEP INTO CLASS, THE USUAL STILLNESS IS DISRUPTED.
"EVERYONE, WE HAVE A NEW TRANSFER STUDENT TODAY."
OUR HOMEROOM TEACHER GESTURES TOWARD THE DOOR.
THE SLIDING DOOR OPENS.
SHE WALKS IN.
HER STEPS ARE LIGHT, HER SMILE GENTLE YET CONFIDENT. THE MORNING SUNLIGHT SEEMS TO FOLLOW HER, MAKING HER CHESTNUT-BROWN HAIR SHIMMER.
"I'M HANA FUJIMOTO. I HOPE WE CAN GET ALONG."
GASPS RIPPLE THROUGH THE ROOM. SOME STUDENTS WHISPER AT HER FOREIGN-SOUNDING SURNAME, OTHERS AT HER APPEARANCE.
BUT MY HEART HAS ALREADY FROZEN.
IT REALLY IS HER.HANA.
THE GIRL WHO ONCE REACHED HER HAND INTO MY DARKNESS LONG AGO.
THE TEACHER GESTURES AGAIN. "HANA, YOU MAY SIT… AH, THERE'S AN OPEN SEAT BESIDE SIYUN."
TIME STOPS.
THE SOUND OF DESKS SCRAPING, CHATTER, THE TICKING OF THE CLOCK—ALL OF IT FADES AS HANA WALKS CLOSER.
CLOSER.
UNTIL SHE SITS BESIDE ME, PLACING HER BAG GENTLY ON THE FLOOR.
"LONG TIME NO SEE, SIYUN-KUN."
HER VOICE IS CALM, BUT HER EYES HOLD A MISCHIEVOUS GLINT, AS IF SHE KNOWS EXACTLY HOW FLUSTERED I AM RIGHT NOW.
MY THROAT DRIES. WORDS REFUSE TO FORM.
SHE CHUCKLES SOFTLY. "STILL QUIET AS EVER, HUH? DON'T WORRY. I'LL FIX THAT."
AND JUST LIKE THAT—SOMETHING INSIDE ME CRACKS.
FOR YEARS, I LIVED IN SILENCE, CONVINCING MYSELF IT WAS SAFER TO DISAPPEAR.
BUT WITH ONE SMILE, ONE VOICE, ONE MEMORY BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE—HANA DRAGS ME INTO THE LIGHT ONCE MORE.
AFTER SCHOOL, I PACK MY THINGS SLOWLY, EXPECTING TO WALK HOME ALONE AS ALWAYS.
BUT HANA WAITS BY THE DOOR.
"LET'S GO TOGETHER. I PROMISED AUNTIE I'D SAY HI TO YOUR MOM, REMEMBER?"
I BLINK. "Y-YOU STILL CALL HER AUNTIE?"
"OF COURSE. OUR MOMS ARE BEST FRIENDS. WHICH MEANS WE'RE PRACTICALLY FAMILY."
MY CHEST TIGHTENS. FAMILY. THE WORD FEELS BOTH COMFORTING AND DANGEROUS.
AS WE WALK HOME, MINJI RUNS UP TO JOIN US, SQUEALING IN JOY. "HANA-NEECHAN!!"
HANA KNEELS, OPENING HER ARMS AS MINJI CRASHES INTO HER. "MINJI! YOU'VE GROWN SO MUCH. YOU'RE PRACTICALLY A YOUNG LADY NOW."
WATCHING THEM LAUGH TOGETHER, I FEEL SOMETHING STRANGE.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS, THE WORLD DOESN'T FEEL LIKE A PRISON.FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS, THE SHADOWS DON'T SEEM SO HEAVY.FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS… I ALMOST FEEL HUMAN AGAIN.
THAT NIGHT, LYING IN BED, I STARE AT THE CEILING.
HER SMILE BURNS IN MY MIND.HER WORDS ECHO IN MY EARS.
MY CHEST POUNDS PAINFULLY.
"DON'T WORRY. I'LL FIX THAT."
FIX ME?
IS IT POSSIBLE… THAT I CAN STILL BE FIXED?
THE DARKNESS ANSWERS WITH SILENCE.
BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME, I'M NOT AFRAID OF IT.
NOT WHEN HANA SITS BESIDE ME.