THE DAYS THAT FOLLOW FEEL LIKE DROWNING.EACH MORNING, THE HALLWAYS ARE A SEA OF EYES AND TONGUES THAT CUT SHARPER THAN KNIVES.
WHISPERS DRIFT… LOW, SLITHERING, IMPOSSIBLE TO IGNORE.
"DID YOU SEE HIM?""STILL HANGING AROUND HANA?""SHE MUST PITY HIM."
SNICKER… SNICKER… ECHO OF LAUGHTER TRAILING BEHIND.
I KEEP MY EYES DOWN, SHOULDERS HUNCHED, HANDS JAMMED DEEP INTO MY POCKETS SO NO ONE SEES THE WAY THEY TREMBLE. THE FLOOR CREAKS WITH EACH STEP, SHUFF SHUFF, BUT THE SOUND OF MY OWN MOVEMENT IS DROWNED BY THEIR VOICES.
YET, THE NEW TRANSFER STUDENT—THE ONE WHO TORE ME OPEN BY STEALING MY SKETCHBOOK—HE DOESN'T HIDE BEHIND WHISPERS. HIS VOICE CUTS CLEAR ACROSS THE ROOM.
"YO, SIYUN! NICE SKETCHES YOU'VE GOT THERE. PLANNING TO DRAW HANA AGAIN TODAY?"
BURST OF LAUGHTER EXPLODES THROUGH THE CLASSROOM.
CHAIRS SCRAPE. DESKS RATTLE. THE SOUND FILLS MY SKULL UNTIL THERE'S NO AIR LEFT TO BREATHE.
BUT THE LAUGHTER DOESN'T STING ANYMORE. IT'S NUMB. LIKE SCARS—SKIN TOO DAMAGED TO BLEED AGAIN.
THEN—SLAM!!—A HAND HITS A DESK.
HANA. HER EYES BURN WITH FURY. "ENOUGH! HE'S NOT—"
I REACT INSTANTLY, CATCHING HER WRIST UNDER THE TABLE. MY GRIP IS LIGHT BUT DESPERATE. I SHAKE MY HEAD SLOWLY.
HER EYES WIDEN, BREATH CATCHING. "SIYUN…"
I FORCE A SMILE, THIN AND SHARP LIKE GLASS. "DON'T. PLEASE."
BECAUSE IF SHE DEFENDS ME, THEY'LL AIM AT HER TOO. AND I COULDN'T SURVIVE SEEING HANA'S SMILE SHATTER BECAUSE OF ME.
THAT NIGHT, HOME FEELS DIFFERENT.
FROM THE UPSTAIRS LANDING, I HEAR VOICES FLOATING UP—LAUGHTER, LIGHT, CAREFREE.
HANA STAYED LATE AGAIN, HELPING MINJI WITH HER HOMEWORK.
"UNNIE, YOU'RE SO SMART!" MINJI BEAMS.
HANA LAUGHS, HER VOICE A GENTLE RING RING, WARM ENOUGH TO MELT THE AIR. "NO, YOU'RE THE SMART ONE. I'M JUST HELPING A LITTLE."
I STAND IN THE SHADOWS OF THE STAIRCASE. CREAK… CREAK… THE WOOD UNDER MY FEET COMPLAINS, BUT NEITHER OF THEM NOTICE.
THE WARMTH FROM THE LIVING ROOM NEVER REACHES ME. IT NEVER DOES. BUT HEARING MINJI LAUGH, SEEING HANA SMILE… IT'S ENOUGH. IF I MUST BE THE WALL THAT BEARS THE WEIGHT, THEN LET IT BE SO.
THE NEXT WEEK, THE ATTACKS ESCALATE.
SLAM!! MY SHOES ARE GONE AFTER PE, FOUND HOURS LATER DUMPED IN THE TRASH.SCRATCHHHH!! MY DESK SMEARED WITH INK, THE BLACKNESS SEEPING INTO MY NOTEBOOKS.RIPPPP!! NOTES CALLING ME "STALKER," "PERVERT," TAPED TO MY LOCKER, FLUTTERING IN THE AIR WHEN I RIP THEM DOWN.
AND THROUGH IT ALL, THE TRANSFER STUDENT STANDS AT A DISTANCE. HIS EYES GLINT LIKE A WOLF'S, HIS SMIRK CURLED INTO SOMETHING UNMISTAKABLY CRUEL. NEVER CLOSE ENOUGH TO BE CAUGHT, BUT ALWAYS NEAR ENOUGH FOR ME TO KNOW—HE'S THE ONE BEHIND IT.
YET WHAT HURTS MOST… ISN'T HIM.
IT'S HANA.
EACH DAY, HER EYES GROW DARKER. SHE STILL SITS BESIDE ME, STILL SPEAKS TO ME. BUT THE LIGHT IN HER VOICE IS FADING.
AND I KNOW WHY.
THE MORE SHE STANDS BY ME, THE MORE THEY TWIST IT.
"SHE'S ONLY KIND TO HIM BECAUSE SHE FEELS SORRY.""BET HE GUILTS HER INTO IT."
HER WORDS, HER LAUGHTER, HER PRESENCE—THEY'RE TURNED INTO WEAPONS AGAINST HER.
SHE BEGINS TO HESITATE. NOT BECAUSE SHE DOUBTS ME. BUT BECAUSE SHE IS DROWNING TOO. AND SEEING THAT… TEARS ME APART MORE THAN ANY RUMOR EVER COULD.
ONE EVENING, THE SKY IS A BLEEDING RED CANVAS. THE ROOFTOP AIR IS HEAVY, WIND WHISTLING THROUGH THE RAILINGS…
HANA CORNERS ME.
"WHY AREN'T YOU FIGHTING BACK?" HER VOICE TREMBLES, BUT IT CUTS LIKE STEEL. "WHY DO YOU LET THEM SAY THOSE THINGS?"
I STARE AT THE SUNSET. CLOUDS DRIFT LIKE EMBERS, THE WORLD BURNING ABOVE ME.
"…BECAUSE IF I FIGHT, YOU'LL BE DRAGGED INTO IT."
HER HANDS CLUTCH MY SLEEVE, FINGERS DIGGING IN. "I'M ALREADY DRAGGED IN!"
HER VOICE CRACKS. THUD!! A TEAR SPLASHES AGAINST THE CONCRETE.
"DO YOU THINK IT DOESN'T HURT ME? WATCHING THEM TEAR YOU DOWN, WHILE YOU JUST… JUST TAKE IT?!"
MY CHEST HEAVES. I WANT TO HOLD HER. TO TELL HER I'M FINE. TO PROMISE HER THAT I CAN SURVIVE THIS.
BUT THE TRUTH IS, I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN.
SO INSTEAD, I FORCE OUT WORDS THAT RIP ME APART.
"YOU'D BE HAPPIER IF YOU STAYED AWAY FROM ME."
THE WIND HOWLS, LIKE THE SKY ITSELF IS PROTESTING.
HANA FREEZES. HER GRIP FALLS AWAY.
"…WHAT?"
I SMILE, EMPTY. "YOU'VE GOT FRIENDS, HANA. A WHOLE CLASS THAT LIKES YOU. DON'T THROW THAT AWAY FOR ME."
HER LIPS TREMBLE. SHE SHAKES HER HEAD VIOLENTLY. "NO. DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT. I CHOSE TO BE YOUR FRIEND. I CHOSE YOU."
MY WORLD SPINS. HEARTBEAT—THUMP THUMP THUMP—LOUD IN MY EARS.
BUT STILL… I PUSH HER HAND AWAY.
STEP… STEP… SHE BACKS AWAY FROM ME. FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE SHE CAME INTO MY LIFE, SHE CREATES THAT DISTANCE.
DAYS PASS.
IN CLASS, I PRETEND NOT TO SEE HER AVOID MY EYES.AT LUNCH, I PRETEND NOT TO HEAR HER LAUGH WITH NEW FRIENDS—HER VOICE STRAINED, TOO LIGHT TO BE REAL.AT HOME, I PRETEND NOT TO NOTICE WHEN MINJI ASKS, "OPPA, DID YOU FIGHT WITH HANA-UNNIE?"
AND I KEEP TELLING MYSELF—THIS IS BETTER.
IF HANA HATES ME, EVEN JUST A LITTLE, THEN MAYBE SHE WON'T BE DESTROYED WHEN THEY FINALLY BREAK ME COMPLETELY.
I CAN BEAR BEING HATED.I CAN BEAR THE EMPTY LOOKS, THE LONELINESS, THE RUMORS.
AS LONG AS SHE SMILES.
BUT SOMEWHERE DEEP INSIDE, I KNOW THE TRUTH.
CRACK… CRACK…
THAT SMILE IS ALREADY BREAKING.
AND WHEN IT FINALLY SHATTERS, WHEN THERE'S NOTHING LEFT OF HER LIGHT—
I WILL HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO HOLD ONTO.