THE DAY STARTS TOO QUIETLY.NO TAUNTS WHEN I ENTER THE CLASSROOM. NO SNICKERS BEHIND MY BACK. ONLY THE LOW HUM OF VOICES, THE CLACK OF PENS ON DESKS, THE FAINT DRONE OF THE CEILING FAN TURNING LAZILY ABOVE.
EVEN THE TRANSFER STUDENT—THE WOLF—SITS CALMLY, ARMS FOLDED, A SMUG CURVE TO HIS LIPS. THE SCRATCH OF HIS CHAIR ECHOES AS HE LEANS BACK, THE SOUND CUTTING THROUGH THE STILLNESS LIKE A WARNING BELL.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.SILENCE IS NEVER MERCY.SILENCE IS THE AIR BEFORE THE STORM.
RIIIIINGGG!! THE LUNCH BELL SHRIEKS. THE CLASSROOM FILLS WITH THE RUSTLE OF BAGS, CHAIRS SCRAPING, FEET STOMPING. VOICES SWELL, LAUGHTER BURSTS LIKE CRACKS OF THUNDER. BUT THROUGH IT ALL, I FEEL THE WOLF'S GAZE. WAITING. PLOTTING.
IT HAPPENS AFTER LUNCH.
WHEN I RETURN TO MY DESK, MY BREATH CATCHES IN MY THROAT. THUD!! MY BAG SLIPS FROM MY HANDS AND HITS THE FLOOR. MY SKETCHBOOK—THE ONE I THOUGHT I'D LOST—SITS NEATLY ON TOP OF MY DESK. OPEN. DISPLAYED FOR EVERYONE TO SEE.
THE PAGES ARE NOT MINE ANYMORE. THEY'VE BEEN DEFACED. MY DRAWINGS OF HANA—CAREFUL, INNOCENT SKETCHES OF HER SMILE, HER LAUGH—ARE NOW RUINED. BLACK MARKER SCARS ACROSS HER FACE. VULGAR, UGLY DOODLES SPREAD ACROSS HER FIGURE. AND IN THICK, SHAKY LETTERS: "CREEPER."
GASP!! THE SOUND RIPPLE THROUGH THE CLASS LIKE SHATTERING GLASS.
THE WOLF IS ALREADY STANDING. HIS SHOES CLACK CLACK AGAINST THE FLOOR AS HE STEPS FORWARD, RAISING HIS VOICE SO EVERYONE HEARS."LOOK AT THIS! HE'S BEEN DRAWING HER ALL ALONG. OBSESSIVELY. LIKE SOME STALKER."
THE ROOM ERUPTS.WHISPERS CRACKLE LIKE FIRE."IS THIS REAL?""I KNEW IT.""DISGUSTING."
MY HEART SLAMS AGAINST MY RIBS. THUMP-THUMP!! THUMP-THUMP!! I LUNGE FORWARD, VOICE BREAKING."THAT'S NOT—!! I DIDN'T—!!"
BUT BEFORE I CAN REACH, THE WOLF SNAPS THE SKETCHBOOK FROM THE DESK AND THRUSTS IT INTO THE TEACHER'S HANDS. THE SOUND OF PAGES FLIPPING IS LIKE A JUDGE'S GAVEL. FINAL. DAMNING.
THE TEACHER'S FACE TWISTS. EYES NARROW, LIPS CURL WITH DISGUST. I CAN HEAR THE SCRATCH SCRATCH OF A PEN TAPPING AGAINST THE DESK IN DISAPPOINTMENT.
AND THEN—THE WORST.I LOOK TO HANA.
HER FACE IS PALE, EYES WIDE, HANDS CLUTCHING HER SKIRT SO HARD HER KNUCKLES TURN WHITE. HER VOICE SHAKES, QUIETER THAN A BREATH YET LOUD ENOUGH TO DESTROY ME."…SIYUN… IS THIS… TRUE?"
THE WORLD STOPS. SILENCE BOOMS!! LIKE ALL SOUND IS RIPPED AWAY.
SHE DOESN'T FULLY BELIEVE IT. I CAN SEE THE DOUBT, THE FLICKER OF HOPE IN HER EYES. BUT THE SEED IS PLANTED. AND ONCE A SEED OF DOUBT IS PLANTED, IT GROWS LIKE WEEDS, CHOKING EVERYTHING.
THE WOLF SMILES, HIS TEETH FLASHING LIKE BLADES. HE STEPS CLOSER, HIS HAND SLAPPING AGAINST MY SHOULDER WITH A MOCKING SMACK!!"YOU SHOULD'VE KEPT YOUR DISTANCE, PAL. PEOPLE LIKE YOU DON'T BELONG AROUND PEOPLE LIKE HER."
MY HANDS TREMBLE. SHAKE SHAKE. MY CHEST BURNS. WORDS RISE LIKE FLAMES, SCREAMS BEGGING TO BE RELEASED. I WANT TO PUNCH HIM, TO RIP THE BOOK BACK, TO TELL HANA THE TRUTH.
BUT THE LOOK IN HER EYES FREEZES ME.IT ISN'T ANGER.IT ISN'T DISGUST.IT'S PITY.
AND THAT—THAT CRUNCHES THROUGH ME LIKE BONES SHATTERING. PITY IS WORSE THAN HATRED. PITY IS DEATH.
RIIIIINGGGG!! THE FINAL BELL SHRIEKS, BUT IT DOESN'T FREE ME.
AFTER SCHOOL, THE RUMORS SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE. BY THE NEXT DAY, I CAN'T WALK DOWN THE HALL WITHOUT HEARING MY NAME PAIRED WITH "PERVERT," "STALKER," "CREEP."
DESKS SCRAAAAAPE AWAY!! WHEN I TRY TO SIT NEAR. NOTES RUSTLE BEHIND MY BACK, SNICKERS BUBBLE LIKE POISON. FOOTSTEPS STOMP HEAVY BEHIND ME IN MOCK IMITATION.
AND AT HOME… EVEN MINJI, INNOCENT LITTLE MINJI, LOOKS AT ME WITH WIDE, WORRIED EYES. HER VOICE IS A WHISPER, SHAKING."OPPA… DID YOU REALLY…?"
MY CHEST CAVES IN. CRACK!! CRACK!! I FORCE A SMILE, THE SOUND OF MY BREATH LIKE BROKEN GLASS. I RUFFLE HER HAIR, TRYING TO SOUND NORMAL. "NO, MINJI. DON'T LISTEN TO THEM."
BUT EVEN AS I SAY IT, I FEEL THE VOID IN HER GAZE. THE SAME VOID EVERYONE ELSE HOLDS. DO THEY BELIEVE ME? DOES ANYONE?
THAT NIGHT, I SIT ALONE IN MY ROOM. THE CLOCK TICKS—TICK… TICK… TICK…—EACH SECOND AN ETERNITY. THE BLACKNESS CREEPS IN FROM THE CORNERS. THE SHADOWS SPREAD ACROSS THE WALLS, THE FLOOR, CLOSING IN.
MY BREATH STUTTERS. HUFF—HUFF—HUFF. I CAN'T BREATHE.
IMAGES FLASH BEHIND MY EYES.HANA'S TREMBLING VOICE.THE WOLF'S GRIN.THE TEACHER'S DISGUST.THE WHISPERS, THE LAUGHTER, THE STARES.
AND BENEATH IT ALL—MY OWN REFLECTION IN THE DARKENED WINDOW. A HOLLOW BOY. EMPTY EYES. A FACE THAT ISN'T MINE ANYMORE.
A VOICE WHISPERS IN THE DARKNESS. IT ISN'T OUTSIDE. IT'S INSIDE."YOU LOST. THIS IS WHO YOU ARE NOW. A GHOST NO ONE WANTS. A SHADOW THEY LAUGH AT."
I CLUTCH MY HEAD. BANG BANG!! KNUCKLES SLAM AGAINST MY SKULL."NO… I'M NOT… I'M NOT…"
BUT THE VOICE GROWS LOUDER."SIYUN IS DEAD. ALL THAT'S LEFT… IS NOTHING."
THE WORD ECHOES!! ECHOES!! UNTIL MY ROOM IS FILLED WITH IT. UNTIL MY CHEST IS FILLED WITH IT. UNTIL I BELIEVE IT.
DAYS BLUR INTO EACH OTHER. MORNING BELLS SCREAM, FOOTSTEPS ECHO, WHISPERS NEVER STOP. I STOP TALKING. STOP TRYING. I MOVE LIKE A SHADOW THROUGH THE HALLWAYS, A FIGURE NO ONE WANTS TO SEE.
I WATCH HANA FROM AFAR. SHE SMILES WITH HER FRIENDS, BUT THE BRIGHTNESS IS GONE. A FORCED SMILE, CRACKED AROUND THE EDGES.
SOMETIMES OUR EYES MEET ACROSS THE HALLWAY. JUST FOR A SECOND. I SEE IT THERE—GUILT, REGRET. LIKE SHE WANTS TO REACH OUT. LIKE SHE WANTS TO SAY MY NAME.
BUT I TURN AWAY.BECAUSE THE SIYUN SHE KNEW—THE BOY WHO SMILED DESPITE THE PAIN, THE BOY WHO TRIED TO PROTECT HER—HE'S GONE.
ALL THAT REMAINS IS THE HOLLOW SHELL.THE BOY WHO DIED THE MOMENT SHE LOOKED AT HIM WITH PITY.
AND WHEN HER SMILE FINALLY SHATTERS COMPLETELY…I KNOW I'LL HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO HOLD ONTO.
HEARTBEAT FADES… THUMP… THUMP… SILENCE.