THE CLASSROOM WAS ALIVE WITH NOISE, A CONSTANT HUM OF ENERGY THAT CRASHED AGAINST THE WALLS AND FLOORS LIKE WAVES. LAUGHTER BOUNCED — HAHAHA!!! — MIXING WITH THE SCREECH OF CHAIRS BEING DRAGGED BACK, SKRRRKKKK!!!, AND THE RUSTLE OF PAPERS BEING SHOVED INTO BAGS. THE AIR WAS THICK WITH THE SOUND OF STUDENTS MAKING PLANS, VOICES OVERLAPPING, SOME SHOUTING ACROSS THE ROOM WHILE OTHERS LEANED IN CLOSE TO GOSSIP. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO FEEL ALIVE, SUPPOSED TO FEEL WARM, SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE THE CENTER OF YOUTH. BUT TO SIYUN, IT FELT LIKE A FOREIGN WORLD, A PLACE HE WAS ALLOWED TO SEE BUT NEVER TOUCH. HE SAT AT THE VERY BACK, THE CORNER DESK NEAR THE WINDOW, HIS EYES FIXED ON THE BLANK PAGE BEFORE HIM. HIS PEN HOVERED ABOVE IT, SHAKING SLIGHTLY IN HIS HAND, BUT NOTHING CAME. THE PAGE WAS EMPTY, SAVE FOR THE FAINT GHOSTS OF WORDS ERASED SO MANY TIMES THAT ONLY THE SHADOW OF THEM REMAINED. THEY WERE LIKE HIM — THINGS THAT ONCE EXISTED BUT NO LONGER HAD SHAPE OR VALUE. HE WANTED TO WRITE, WANTED TO ANCHOR HIMSELF TO SOMETHING, BUT THE NOISE AROUND HIM FELT LIKE A WALL. HE WAS TRAPPED BEHIND IT.
"…HEY, LET'S NOT SIT NEAR HIM."
THE WORDS WERE A WHISPER, BUT WHISPERS HAD A WAY OF CUTTING SHARPER THAN SHOUTS. HIS EARS CAUGHT THEM EVEN IF HE WISHED THEY HADN'T.
"…HE GIVES ME CHILLS. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HE'S THINKING."
"…ISN'T HE THE ONE FROM THE TRIP? …UGH, DISGUSTING."
THE GIGGLES THAT FOLLOWED WERE MUFFLED BEHIND HANDS, BUT THEY LANDED LIKE DAGGERS ALL THE SAME. SIYUN'S FINGERS TIGHTENED AROUND THE PEN. HE DIDN'T LIFT HIS HEAD, DIDN'T MEET THEIR STARES, DIDN'T GIVE THEM THE SATISFACTION OF SEEING HIS EXPRESSION. WHAT WAS THE POINT? HE HAD TRIED SO MANY TIMES. TRIED TO EXPLAIN HIMSELF, TRIED TO CORRECT THE LIES, TRIED TO SHOW THEM WHO HE REALLY WAS. BUT THE MORE HE SPOKE, THE MORE THEIR EYES SHIFTED, THE MORE THE WOLF'S SMIRK GREW IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM. THAT WOLF — ALWAYS WATCHING, ALWAYS WEAVING HIS STORIES UNTIL EVERYONE BELIEVED THEM.
NOW, NO MATTER WHAT SIYUN DID, HE WAS ALREADY STAMPED. HE WAS THAT GUY. THE PERVERT. THE LIAR. THE ONE WHO HID BEHIND A FAKE SMILE.
HIS HAND TREMbled, THE PEN BENDING UNTIL — CRACKKK!!! — THE PLASTIC SPLIT FAINTLY UNDER HIS GRIP. HE SLOWLY RELEASED IT, STARING AT THE DAMAGE, HIS CHEST TIGHTENING.
HE LET HIS EYES DRIFT, JUST ONCE, JUST FOR A SECOND. SHE WAS THERE. HANA. SITTING NEAR THE WINDOW, THE SUNLIGHT TOUCHING HER HAIR, MAKING HER LOOK ALMOST UNTOUCHABLE. HER SMILE WAS BRIGHT, HER LAUGHTER LIGHT, BUT NEITHER WERE FOR HIM ANYMORE. SHE DIDN'T LOOK AT HIM. NOT EVEN ONCE. IT WAS AS IF HE DIDN'T EXIST.
AFTER EVERYTHING I DID… AFTER EVERYTHING WE WENT THROUGH…
HIS TEETH SANK INTO HIS LIP UNTIL THE BITTER METALLIC TASTE OF BLOOD SPREAD ACROSS HIS TONGUE.
DIIIIIIINGGGGG!!! — THE BELL RANG, SHARP AND LOUD, SIGNALING THE END OF CLASS. INSTANTLY, THE ROOM BURST INTO MOVEMENT. CHAIRS SCRAPED — SKRRRKKKK!!! — BAGS WERE ZIPPED, SHOES THUDDED AGAINST THE FLOOR. STUDENTS POURED OUT IN WAVES OF CHATTER AND FOOTSTEPS.
BUT NO ONE CAME NEAR HIM. NO ONE SPOKE TO HIM. IT WAS LIKE AN INVISIBLE BARRIER STOOD AROUND HIS DESK, A LINE NO ONE DARED TO CROSS. AND HE STAYED BEHIND THAT LINE, ALONE. ALWAYS ALONE.
HOME DIDN'T FEEL MUCH DIFFERENT.
"WELCOME BACK, SIYUN!" MINJI'S VOICE WAS LIGHT, RINGING THROUGH THE HALL THE MOMENT HE OPENED THE DOOR. HIS LITTLE SISTER RAN TO HIM, HER SMALL HANDS HOLDING A DRAWING. HER SMILE WAS SO PURE IT ALMOST HURT TO LOOK AT. "LOOK! I DREW THIS AT SCHOOL TODAY. IT'S YOU, ME, AND HANA-NEE!"
HER EYES SPARKLED WITH HOPE, WAITING FOR HIM TO PRAISE HER. SIYUN'S CHEST LOOSENED FOR A MOMENT. JUST A MOMENT. HE KNEELED DOWN, BRUSHING HER HAIR WITH A TREMBLING HAND. "THAT'S… REALLY GOOD, MINJI." HIS VOICE WAS WEAK, CRACKED AT THE EDGES, BUT HE PULLED A SMILE ANYWAY.
MINJI GIGGLED. "HEHE! I'M GONNA GIVE THIS TO HANA-NEE TOMORROW!"
HER WORDS HIT HIM LIKE A BLOW. THE SMILE FALTERED. HIS CHEST TIGHTENED UNTIL IT WAS HARD TO BREATHE. HE TURNED AWAY QUICKLY, MASKING IT. "…YEAH. SHE'LL LIKE IT."
THE SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS — TAP TAP TAP — ANNOUNCED HIS MOTHER COMING FROM THE KITCHEN. SHE WIPED HER HANDS ON HER APRON, LOOKING AT HIM WITH CAREFUL EYES. "SIYUN, YOU'RE LATE AGAIN. DID SOMETHING HAPPEN AT SCHOOL?"
HIS BODY STIFFENED. THE LIE CAME AUTOMATICALLY, ALMOST REFLEXIVE. "…NO, NOTHING. JUST STAYED BEHIND TO FINISH SOMETHING."
HER EYES LINGERED ON HIM, WORRIED, SEARCHING, BUT HE MOVED QUICKLY PAST HER, HIS STEPS HEAVY AGAINST THE FLOOR. THUD. THUD. THUD. THE DOOR TO HIS ROOM CLOSED WITH A DULL, FINAL THUD.
INSIDE, THE AIR FELT DENSE. THE WALLS PRESSED IN, HIS ROOM SHRINKING AROUND HIM. HE FELL BACKWARD ONTO HIS BED, STARING AT THE CEILING. THE SILENCE WASN'T COMFORTABLE. IT WAS SUFFOCATING.
I CAN'T TELL THEM. I CAN'T LET THEM KNOW. IF THEY SAW ME LIKE THIS… IF THEY KNEW THE TRUTH…
THE VOICES RETURNED. THEY ALWAYS DID. THE WHISPERS FROM SCHOOL, THE LAUGHTER THAT NEVER STOPPED, THE ACCUSATIONS, THE WOLF'S SMIRK.
"…YOU'RE DISGUSTING.""…STAY AWAY FROM ME.""…IF I WERE YOU, I'D DISAPPEAR."
HE CLAMPED HIS HANDS OVER HIS EARS, PRESSING HARD UNTIL HIS SKIN BURNED, BUT THE VOICES SLIPPED THROUGH, RELENTLESS. HE ROCKED SLIGHTLY, HIS BREATHS SHAKY. "…WHY ME?" THE WORDS ESCAPED IN A BROKEN WHISPER. "WHY DOES IT… ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ME?"
ONLY SILENCE ANSWERED HIM. A SILENCE THAT FELT HEAVIER THAN ANY WORDS.
THE NEXT DAY, SIYUN MOVED QUICKLY THROUGH THE HALLS, HIS HEAD LOW, HIS STEPS SOFT. HE TRIED TO DISAPPEAR, TO MELT INTO THE BACKGROUND, TO BECOME A GHOST NO ONE WOULD NOTICE. BUT EVEN THEN, THE WHISPERS FOLLOWED HIM LIKE SHADOWS.
IN THE CAFETERIA, TRAYS SLID AWAY FROM HIS. CLANKKK!!! PLATES AND CUPS SHIFTED AS IF HIS PRESENCE ALONE WAS TOXIC. IN THE LIBRARY, CHAIRS SCRAPED BACK WHEN HE SAT DOWN, LEAVING AN EMPTY SPACE BESIDE HIM LIKE A WARNING SIGN. DURING GROUP PROJECTS, NAMES WERE CALLED ONE BY ONE, VOICES BRIGHT, UNTIL HIS WAS LEFT LAST, HANGING IN THE AIR WITH AWKWARD PAUSE.
I'M STILL HERE. BUT IT'S LIKE I'M ALREADY GONE.
ONCE, JUST ONCE, HE CAUGHT HANA LOOKING AT HIM. THEIR EYES MET FOR A FRACTION OF A SECOND. HER EXPRESSION WAS BLURRED, HARD TO READ. WAS IT HESITATION? PITY? OR WAS IT THE SAME DISGUST HE HAD COME TO EXPECT? HE DIDN'T KNOW. AND MAYBE… HE DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW.
THE WOLF SAT AMONG THEM, OF COURSE. HE ALWAYS DID. LAUGHING, SMILING, LIVING EASILY IN THE CENTER OF EVERYONE'S ATTENTION. EVERY NOW AND THEN, THEIR EYES MET. THE FLICKER OF CRUELTY WAS THERE, JUST FOR SIYUN, JUST LONG ENOUGH TO REMIND HIM OF HIS PLACE. NO ONE ELSE SAW IT. NO ONE ELSE EVER WOULD. THE WOLF WAS TOO GOOD AT THIS GAME. AND SIYUN WAS ALREADY THE LOSING PIECE.
THAT NIGHT, HIS ROOM WAS QUIET EXCEPT FOR THE BUZZZZZ OF THE LAMP ABOVE HIS DESK. HE SAT THERE, STARING AT THE BLANK PAGE OF HIS NOTEBOOK. THE PEN RESTED IN HIS HAND, HIS FINGERS SHAKING. THE WORDS WOULDN'T COME. HIS MIND WAS A TANGLE, HIS CHEST A WEIGHT. AFTER WHAT FELT LIKE HOURS, HE FINALLY PRESSED THE PEN TO THE PAPER. THE TIP SCRATCHED — SKRRRCHHHH — LEAVING BEHIND A SINGLE LINE:
"I JUST WANTED TO BE SEEN."
THE WORDS SAT THERE, BLEEDING INTO THE PAPER, SPREADING SLIGHTLY. HIS VISION BLURRED, TEARS GATHERING UNTIL THE SENTENCE SWAM BEFORE HIM.
FOR A LONG TIME, HE JUST SAT THERE, HIS BREATHS UNEVEN, HIS HEART HOLLOW. THE HOUSE WAS QUIET, HIS FAMILY ASLEEP, THE WORLD OUTSIDE UNAWARE.
HE CLOSED THE NOTEBOOK SOFTLY — THUMP. HE LEANED BACK, HIS EYES FIXED ON NOTHING, AND WHISPERED INTO THE STILLNESS:
"…HOW MUCH LONGER CAN I LAST LIKE THIS?"
THE WORDS VANISHED INTO THE DARKNESS, UNANSWERED. ONLY THE HUM OF THE LAMP AND THE DISTANT SOUND OF RAIN AGAINST THE WINDOW — TAP TAP TAP TAP — KEPT HIM COMPANY.
AND IN THAT SOUND, IN THAT EMPTY ROOM, HE FELT IT AGAIN: THE CRACK IN HIS CHEST WIDENING, THE DARKNESS CREEPING, THE SLOW EROSION OF A BOY WHO ONLY EVER WANTED TO BE SEEN.