Author's Note: This story is also available in Portuguese (original version).
Kael didn't remember exactly how he had died.
He only knew that if anyone ever found out, he would rather die again.
When he opened his eyes, he wasn't in heaven.
He wasn't in hell.
He was in… a stable.
The smell of hay. Old wood. A horse chewing in slow motion.
Nothing about this screamed "afterlife."
It definitely screamed "defeat."
"Awake, mortal?"
The voice carried theatrical arrogance.
Kael turned his head.
A skinny man with messy black hair, patchy beard, dark circles under his eyes, and a suspiciously cheap-looking celestial robe.
A faint divine glow surrounded him.
It flickered slightly.
Like a graphical bug.
He was sitting on a wooden toilet.
Like a king.
Scrolls floated around him, all with heavily censored covers.
A fly landed on his shoulder.
He didn't notice.
"Who… are you?" Kael asked.
The man lifted his chin dramatically.
"I am ALTUS PERVERTUS, Divine Archmage of the One Hundred and Eighth Celestial Spheres!"
Kael blinked slowly.
"…You're sitting on a toilet inside a barn."
Altus clutched his chest, offended.
"This is a SACRED THRONE OF PURIFICATION! The location is… circumstantial."
The horse behind him neighed in disagreement.
Altus cleared his throat.
"Anyway… Mortal. You died. In a rather… embarrassing manner. But since I am generous, I shall grant you a second life."
Kael exhaled in relief.
"Really? Thank you, God."
"Do not call me God," Altus said. "It's complicated."
Altus opened a book filled with censored illustrations.
"Now, the important part: your new form will be… female."
Kael froze.
"What?!"
"For spiritual reasons. And also because you annoyed me by existing."
Kael felt his soul leave the body he technically no longer had.
"You shall be reborn as Kaela Orion, bearer of an extremely rare class—"
Altus spread his arms dramatically.
"Heir of Unwanted Magnetism!"
"That's a curse," Kael said.
"NO! It's a gift. Well… for me."
Altus snapped the book shut.
"And here is your main quest: defeat the Demon King."
Kael took a deep breath.
Altus opened another glowing scroll, far too excited.
"…and retrieve for me the SS+ Forbidden Relic he guards."
Kael blinked.
"So I have to kill a Demon King… to fetch you a porn magazine?"
Altus raised one finger.
"And only then will you regain your male body."
Silence.
Kael stopped functioning.
The horse snorted mockingly.
Altus opened his arms in divine exaggeration, still seated upon the sacred toilet.
Kael had one final thought:
"If this is the afterlife… I want a refund."
Then everything turned white.
And the worst adventure in the universe began.