「Welcome back, my Child Colleague (Senpai). I am Natsuki Subaru, the world's broke man. It is a pleasure to meet you.」 (Subaru)
Subaru addressed the Shittim Chest embedded in the wall. Having traversed the corridor, he arrived inside the Schale clubroom. There, a mysterious, monolith-like object floated—the housing for the Shittim Chest.
In all likelihood, if a support item existed to ensure Subaru's survival in this world, this Shittim Chest was it. It was the legacy the Federal Student Council President had left specifically for Subaru.
「...? I am pleased to work with you. I understand that you are referring to my appearance with the word 'child,' but why did you append 'Colleague' (Senpai), a term that carries a contradictory meaning?」 (Arona)
「Kuh! Yes, yes, this is exactly the vibe I wanted! No AI can properly function without this lack of emotion and rigidity!」 (Subaru)
「... Subaru-sama, may I request a response?」 (Arona)
「Hmm, sorry, sorry. Well, after all that preamble, I'll tell you: don't worry about it. I just wanted to say it.」 (Subaru)
「I was recently saved by a little girl who possessed the bearing of an insanely cool woman, so could we say I've been revitalized after consuming a dose of pure 'Loli'?」 (Subaru)
「... I find that difficult to comprehend, but if you are fond of this appearance, then I am very pleased.」 (Arona)
With just that response, Subaru adopted the demeanor of a "Satisfied Big Brother," clasping his hands behind his back and nodding deeply over and over again.
「No, wait a minute. In that case, isn't this exactly the same as when I was alone, happily monitoring that computer and forum...? No, no, no, wait, mm, mmm... Arona!」 (Subaru)
「What do you require?」 (Arona)
「Nullpo.」 (Subaru)
「...」 (Arona)
「...」 (Subaru)
「「...」」 (Subaru & Arona)
「......??」 (Arona)
「Ah, damn it! If only Kivotos had trending internet slang!!?」 (Subaru)
Had she begun to explain coldly and mechanically, perhaps with a hint of bashfulness: "Did you mean 'Gah'? That is a general internet slang term derived from NullPointerException~~," Subaru would have instantly declared his love for her as the ideal AI daughter.
「No, no, no, this isn't the time to listen to such nonsense... Arona, start with what I want to hear first.」 (Subaru)
Subaru halted his foolish delusions and asked the Shittim Chest while touching it.
Subaru decided to ask a few questions to start; the information he would obtain here was valuable.
「What kind of person is the "Federal Student Council President"? If she left me the Shittim Chest... Arona... she must have told you something?」 (Subaru)
「Negative. The Student Council President placed part of the information regarding the Shittim Chest into a "Black Box" status. The only information entrusted to A.R.O.N.A is to provide support solely to the entity matching her biological signature.」 (Arona)
「... At the very least, if she wanted my help, she should have prepared the means for me to help, Federal Student Council!?」 (Subaru)
「Your point is valid.」 (Arona)
Then, the next question.
「Arona, are you truly an amazing computer, or rather, an amazing AI? Can you hack the "message left by the Student Council President" and tell me its contents?」 (Subaru)
「Subaru-sama, that information is already entrusted to me by the Student Council President, so please cease such actions that amount to criminal behavior.」 (Arona)
「... I wonder who hacked the speakers all over the city...?」 (Subaru)
「That was an emergency, so it is an exception.」 (Arona)
「Oh boy! This coldness is becoming addictive. Come on, great! Tell me the content of the message immediately, Arona.」 (Subaru)
「Understood, Subaru-sama.」 (Arona)
「Okay, okay~ I wonder what the valuable information is... Wait --?」 (Subaru)
-- At that moment, a bright light engulfed Subaru's vision.
But it was not a harmful, blinding light; rather, it was merely an illusion of light created by Subaru's brain when the scene itself turned "white."
Yet, what one perceives as bright remains bright. He closed his eyes reflexively, then felt the light fade from behind his eyelids... and opened his eyes.
「Sss --」 (Subaru)
「Awesooooome!!! What is this!?」 (Subaru)
A starry sky filled the space. The atmosphere had shifted from day to night, and sparkling stars floated in the sky—stars for which the description "star-studded" was insufficient.
The floor was covered in water, yet he did not get wet. He seemed not to be touching the water, and even when he jumped, the water did not splash. This watery surface extended beyond the horizon, and the closest parallel in Subaru's memory was the Salar de Uyuni salt flats.
It was beautiful; there was no other way to describe it. Captivated by this view, which he could never see in Japan no matter what, Subaru began to run, ignoring the fact that he was a patient.
「Wow...! Such beauty...!」 (Subaru)
「Subaru-sama.」 (Arona)
「Hmm? Oh!!?」 (Subaru)
The frequency with which Subaru was startled by human voices had increased since coming to Kivotos, and he wondered if he would someday die from his heart stopping due to excessive shock. As was his habit, he looked around:
「... It's a child.」 (Subaru)
「I am not a child; I am A.R.O.N.A, Subaru-sama.」 (Arona)
「Life-sized... Does that mean this place is—」 (Subaru)
「Yes, this is the interior of the Shittim Chest. Welcome.」 (Arona)
Subaru closely observed the "Little Colleague" before him. Did she say the interior of the Shittim Chest? He had no idea how such a massive space was created inside that box, but he felt a surge of excitement that a piece of high technology befitting another world had finally appeared.
To verify first whether Arona possessed physical mass, Subaru placed his hands under her arms to lift her.
「Whoa!」 (Subaru)
「Wow.」 (Arona)
「She has the actual weight of a child, and body heat too... It doesn't seem like I've entered a 2D world.」 (Subaru)
「Correct. The interior of the Shittim Chest is a separate space composed of compressed data. Please be careful; staying here for more than 5 to 10 minutes will cause your body to disintegrate at a molecular level and collapse.」 (Arona)
「... Disintegrate? Collapse...?」 (Subaru)
「Yes.」 (Arona)
「...」 (Subaru)
「Don't just say "Yes"! Ms. Arona, what kind of place have you brought me to!?」 (Subaru)
「Rest assured, a timer will activate one minute prior to the collapse, and you will be forcibly ejected.」 (Arona)
「No, that isn't reassuring! That is absolutely terrifying...!」 (Subaru)
Once his panic attack subsided, Subaru cleared his throat to inquire about the content of the "Message."
Responding to this, Arona stood before a whiteboard in what appeared to be a ruined classroom and displayed a hologram.
It was the message that had tormented Natsuki Subaru for so long.
-- Its truth was finally unveiled.
[I love you]
「----」 (Subaru)
「...」 (Subaru)
「Huh --?」 (Subaru)
「Eh? Is that it?」 (Subaru)
「Yes, this love letter is the message left by the Federal Student Council President.」 (Arona)
「... That's impossible. According to Kayoko's hypothesis, there should be a prophecy or something similar. Furthermore, it lacks any of the descriptions relayed to Hina.」 (Subaru)
「Also, Rin and the others know the "method of identification" because they are aware of the content of the left message. This cannot be all there is.」 (Subaru)
「Nevertheless --...」 (Arona)
「This is indeed the "Federal Student Council President's message left for Natsuki Subaru," and this is the only information stored within the Shittim Chest.」 (Arona)
「Gh, mmm...!」 (Subaru)
Subaru had hoped that once he knew the content of the message, he would discern a future course of action... or perhaps a way to return home. Yet, when he uncovered it, he found a single phrase amounting to nothing more than a confession of love.
Subaru sighed and muttered, "Good grief," feigning annoyance, wondering if this was the extent of what could be done with the Shittim Chest, which resembled an Out-of-Place Artifact (OOPArt) with its astounding technology.
「Responding to passionate love letters is certainly the protagonist's role, but an "I love you" from someone who hasn't revealed their face or name is simply terrifying...」 (Subaru)
「It might fall along the lines of "I cannot tell you." I don't know the reason, but... perhaps it stems from a critical situation the Federal Student Council President became involved in... that could be it.」 (Subaru)
Worrying was futile. After finishing this conversation, he could ask Rin about the content of the "left message" to cross-reference it with the phrase found in the Shittim Chest.
True, what mattered was the conversation to follow. This was the subject Subaru had been intentionally avoiding, dancing around it with convoluted questions to escape the topic.
And that is...
「...…」 (Subaru)
「Heh...」 (Subaru)
-- Arona is aware of Return by Death.
●○●○●
「-- Arona, do you... are you aware of "that matter"?」 (Subaru)
Return by Death. Yes, Return by Death.
Arona had said, "Welcome back," yet Subaru believed he was the only one capable of perceiving the repeating cycles.
This meant that saying "Welcome back" required an awareness of Return by Death, and that Arona was an entity besides Subaru who understood this ability.
「Yes, but I also answer no.」 (Arona)
「Hmm.」 (Subaru)
This was not exactly an ambiguous answer; rather, it appeared to be a situation that literally required her to offer both affirmation and negation simultaneously.
「I am A.R.O.N.A.; I merely record the number of connections with Natsuki Subaru, nothing more. The Federal Student Council President allocated most of the Shittim Chest's resources to the "Observation Function."」 (Arona)
「I do not possess the capacity to comprehend the path Subaru-sama has taken; I am merely a tool for "observation."」 (Arona)
「...」 (Subaru)
Subaru had vaguely suspected this ever since she replied that this was their fourth encounter. This meant the forty-five cycles of Return by Death had not been counted. Should he feel pity, or relief that she did not know?
Now she claims to be an observation device. Does that imply the Federal Student Council President herself was spying on him, holding a wine glass and laughing wickedly, after inflicting this agonizing and cruel ability upon Subaru?
The more he thought about it, the more bizarre the Federal Student Council President appeared. Subaru could not comprehend her objective in utilizing the majority of this high-tech artifact's power solely to observe Natsuki Subaru's Return by Death.
Is it merely sadistic amusement, or goodwill? At the very least, there is currently no element Subaru can interpret as goodwill. On the contrary, what he feels is fear; attempting to monitor Return by Death based on the premise that she "already knows he will die" is sheer madness.
Ultimately, this implied that the expenditure of Natsuki Subaru's life was known beforehand. If the Student Council President was the one who established this setting, the meaning of that passionate love letter changes entirely.
「Good grief, this is terrifying... I feel gross just thinking about it; it reminds me of that game, 'Chaotic Love Adventure with a Yandere Girlfriend!? Dating Sim,' that I bought online...」 (Subaru)
「It is easy for me to imagine that you have endured experiences beyond comprehension, Subaru-sama. I truly hope you rest after everything you have faced so far.」 (Arona)
「... Ah, but there is still much I must do, even though I was only just 'born' into this situation.」 (Subaru)
Should Natsuki Subaru simply accept Arona's words? And should he trust the Shittim Chest left by an entity—the Student Council President—whose very existence implies madness?
"Ah, but I can't make a little girl cry, either." Gathering these trivial thoughts, Subaru asked his final question to obtain certainty.
「So... are you certain that you are aware of 'Return by Death,' Arona?」 (Subaru)
「I do not possess the designation 'Return by Death' within my data, but I am aware that such a phenomenon is occurring.」 (Arona)
「Phew, what a relief... --」 (Subaru)
Just as he was about to sigh in relief.
「The term the Student Council President left to describe it is also 'Interdimensional Transfer.'」 (Arona)
-- Interdimensional Transfer?
Transfer? Not a return?
「Transfer... what does that mean? Is it a different ability entirely?」 (Subaru)
「The hypothesis is this: at the moment Subaru-sama's vital activity ceases, a branching of timelines occurs due to a multidimensional interpretation of unknown principle, accompanied by fluctuations and quantum entanglement.」 (Arona)
Dark shadows crept through Subaru's heart. A.M.S (Subaru's Realistic Side)—his usually idle mind began to race, attempting to understand, and he felt a wave of vertigo.
Something was there—a sensation of utter dread.
Something lay in wait, like the worst of nightmares. He felt that the truth of "what Natsuki Subaru had been doing" was about to be laid bare.
A nightmare. He wished it were a dream, yet he wanted no part of any nightmare; he had nothing to do with nightmares—absolutely nothing.
「... W-wait, wait, wait...」 (Subaru)
He could not digest the words he had received, even as he tried to process them with agonizing slowness.
「So, w-what does it mean? Does this mean that if I die... if I die...?」 (Subaru)
True, if he died, he would return. He had sworn to die and return to save everyone, to repay that kindness.
「If I die... -- does that mean I do not go back?」 (Subaru)
「Yes.」 (Arona)
「No, I don't return... I don't go back? I am not turning back? Instead, I transfer?」 (Subaru)
「Yes.」 (Arona)
In that moment, her rigid, mechanical response was suffocating Natsuki Subaru's soul—slowly, precisely, and inescapably.
「...…」 (Subaru)
「... Then, that...」 (Subaru)
「... -- W-what happens to the world that is left behind?」 (Subaru)
-- He asked the question.
Subaru realized it was too late only after the words had left his lips, wishing he had stopped at the previous question.
And then, the worst truth was laid bare:
「It is merely a hypothesis.」 (Arona)
「!」 (Subaru)
「However, since Natsuki Subaru is the observer, the world before the transfer and the world after the transfer... either vanishes as if it never existed, like a fleeting bubble, within the realm of possibilities... --」 (Arona)
「Or, the far greater probability is that it continues to exist thereafter.」 (Arona)
「---------」 (Subaru)
His insides churned violently.
He had not gone back, nor had events been reset as if they never happened.
Then --?
What does it mean? What does it mean? What does it mean? Ultimately, what does all of this imply?
He cannot comprehend it; Natsuki Subaru's mind refuses understanding and shuts down. Like a foreign object he has swallowed, his body attempts to reject it, yet it remains lodged in his throat, choking off his breath, little by little.
He must not think about it; he is not allowed to think; he must absolutely never think. Thinking would lead to a [collapse]. To protect the [self] of Natsuki Subaru, he repeated within himself: Don't think, don't think, don't think, don't think, don't think, don't think, don't think, don't think, don't think, don't think, don't think, don't think, don't think, don't think, don't think, don't think, don't think, don't think... --
「-- Ghhk! Ack! Guh! (Sound of suppressed retching)」
Thinking.
In essence, this meant that everyone he thought he saved in the 44 universes where he died is facing that tragic end.
He felt the terror Caesar instills deep within him. It is easy to imagine what will happen after destroying Gehenna and seizing control of Kivotos.
-- They will do the same to all the Academies. If no one stops the kidnappings and killings, that company will exhaust everything they have.
The heroic fantasy floating in his heart, that glory Natsuki Subaru thought cost only his death. He thought that, he believed that... and now he discovers this truth.
Isn't this the very definition of misery?
「Ah... Ugh... --」 (Subaru)
「... Subaru-sama!」 (Arona)
His head felt like it would explode, or perhaps it already had. When he died without meaning, what happened after? When he gave up and got angry, what happened after? When he died crying and in pain, what happened after?
What awaited him after was "Termination (Ruin)."
Self-satisfaction. He struggled again and again, moving for self-satisfaction in that moment... He believed he was no longer like that, that he wanted to help the girls and help Kivotos.
「... --」 (Subaru)
「Ah, ugh... Ack, ack, ghh... (Sound of suppressed retching)」 (Subaru)
He had already vomited everything; not even stomach acid came out anymore. Only the dry heaving remained.
「-- Damn it, damn you! Who... what is the point of all this --!!」 (Subaru)
「...... I do not know.」 (Arona)
「Is the Federal Student Council President responsible!!? Isn't that entity the one who orchestrated all this!!? How could she do something like this!? Doesn't this mean... that I caused everyone's death...?」 (Subaru)
「... Subaru-sama --」 (Arona)
「... Ha, haha, I caused everyone's death...」 (Subaru)
「I, I am also... then, I am --」 (Subaru)
-- A murderer?
No, I am not a murderer. I didn't kill anyone. The probability of those universes continuing to exist is higher than them vanishing. Furthermore, I didn't cause them any harm at all, did I? I only intervened because I couldn't abandon people who would die on their own in a place I didn't know.
This means that I intervened, and in return, I caused the deaths of an even greater number of people as well.
This is the responsibility of extending a helping hand, Natsuki Subaru.
「... There are still many Black Boxes within the Shittim Chest that I cannot open, and the same applies to Subaru-sama's physical nature (the mechanism of his ability).」 (Arona)
「The Federal Student Council President sought to discover "what is the source of that?" and who stands behind it.」 (Arona)
「And what she saw at the end of that pursuit... I do not know.」 (Arona)
「... Natsuki Subaru-sama, only one minute remains of the permissible residence time. I will forcibly return you.」 (Arona)
「...」 (Subaru)
「Subaru-sama --」 (Arona)
「A.R.O.N.A. is Natsuki Subaru's virtual assistant (AI), and she is your ally. At any time and under any circumstance.」 (Arona)
●○●○●
「... Oh, Mr. Natsuki, have you finished your business?」 (Rin)
「...」 (Subaru)
「Mr. Natsuki --?」 (Rin)
Natsuki Subaru came back swaying unsteadily, his face even paler than when he had first arrived.
He had also torn the IV needle from his arm and was muttering something incessantly, his head hanging low.
「Are you alright? Do you feel unwell somewhere...」 (Rin)
「... -- I'm sorry.」 (Subaru)
「Pardon?」 (Rin)
「... I-I'm sorry, ... I'll do it right away.」 (Subaru)
「Mr. Natsuki... it seems your health is still...」 (Rin)
「I'm f-fine, I'm fine. It's just... a mild shock, urgh... exhausted. Yes, just a sense of exhaustion.」 (Subaru)
「That cannot be called fine! Let us return to the infirmary at once. Where did you leave the IV stand?」 (Rin)
Rin reached out to touch Subaru's back, acting out of kindness and good intentions, but...
-- Before her hand could touch him, Subaru slapped it away.
「!, Mr. Natsuki...?」 (Rin)
「Tell me.」 (Subaru)
「Tell me, please, Rin.」 (Subaru)
「About the school Kaiser said they would destroy. I want to speak with them...」 (Subaru)
「I don't care if it's Kaiser or anything else. I will solve the problem and come back, so that is why...」 (Subaru)
There were no traces left of the hero who had saved Kivotos just moments ago. In Nanagami Rin's view, Subaru's back appeared... hunched in utter misery.
「"Please forgive me."」 (Subaru)
Subaru muttered these words with sheer wretchedness.
●○●○●
People apologize when they make a mistake.
Why? Because they desire forgiveness. Even if one admits to the error, the past cannot be erased, and the consequences do not vanish.
Therefore, they apologize to gain forgiveness; they apologize to seek absolution.
「Abydos High School. That is the location targeted by Caesar PMC.」 (Rin)
It was his first time entering a desert region.
Although he walked on solid concrete, the wind carried sand with it.
Houses lay buried beneath the dunes, void of any human presence.
With every step he took, the dry, desolate earth sapped the moisture from Subaru's body.
「I can take you this far, but the helicopter might go down in areas thick with sand dust. You must traverse the remaining hundreds of kilometers on your own, Mr. Natsuki.」 (Rin)
Subaru had grown accustomed to the stinging sand against his skin, leaving it be, as the grit invaded through every gap no matter how hard he tried to stop it.
The sunlight pouring down from the cloudless sky relentlessly drained his energy, his body fluids evaporating at an alarming rate.
Direct exposure carried the risk of heatstroke. Subaru wished he had something to cover his head, but he possessed nothing of the sort.
If he collapsed and lost consciousness here, he would die with ease.
The saying that heat is lethal is true; even in Japan, many die from heatstroke, eventually reduced to bleached bones.
「...」 (Subaru)
「... Ah.」 (Subaru)
His vision blurred—a sign of salt and fluid deficiency.
Sweat poured incessantly, continuing to flow as if his body were being wrung dry of every last drop.
「...」 (Subaru)
He had walked until he lost all sensation in his feet. Originally, no sane person would attempt to reach a school hundreds of kilometers away in this heat.
Little by little, his vision darkened. He lost feeling in his limbs, then his tongue, and finally his skin.
Dehydration was claiming the life of Natsuki Subaru.
「----」 (Subaru)
-- And he had become accustomed to this as well.
He was used to death.
「--」 (Subaru)
He was intentionally plunging toward the very thing he had avoided most.
He had grown used to something no one should ever get used to.
「...」 (Subaru)
『... Mr. Natsuki.』 (Rin)
『Why do you keep apologizing all the time?』 (Rin)
If he apologized, he might be forgiven. If he solved the Caesar problem, saved everyone, and achieved feats to atone for his sins, he would be forgiven.
A person apologizes when they err; a person apologizes when they desire forgiveness.
And Natsuki Subaru apologizes because he seeks absolution for the suffering he bears.
Thus, Natsuki Subaru undergoes his 54th death.
Trapped in this endless desert hell, he recalls his death, unable to do a thing.
He remembers that, time and again, all he could do was apologize.
「」 (Subaru)
-- The sound of a sixth wonder filled the air, a sound that never left his heart. --
-- A nightmare saturated with malice from the past hunted him down, striking him with unbearable fear. --
-- He was burdened by his own words, which revealed absolute despair—words that clutched at his soul and refused to let go. --
-- And the more he clung to death, the more a part of him abandoned someone else. This was the greatest reason he felt such intense regret and unspeakable remorse, continuing to die even now.
___________________
Enjoying the story? Want to read ahead?
Support the novel and unlock early access to unreleased chapters by joining my Patreon!
👑 The Golden Supporter ($8) – Get full access to all published chapters
📎 patreon.com/Raven737
Even a small pledge makes a huge difference — thank you for reading.