「I... I...! Actually, I... heard that Kaiser PMC intends to destroy Abydos High School, so I came to stop it.」 (Subaru)
「I'll do something about it. If Kaiser intends to attack your school, I will save... ──!」 (Subaru)
The muzzle of a gun was thrust into his face in the blink of an eye.
Before Subaru could finish his brave shout, he was silenced by the barrel jammed directly into his nose.
「... ── Hold on, Natsuki Subaru.」 (Hoshino)
「You?」 (Hoshino)
「...?!」 (Subaru)
「You are going to do something about it?」 (Hoshino)
「Ah.. Yes.」 (Subaru)
「Hmm...」 (Hoshino)
She tapped her foot on the ground to adjust the heel of her shoe... then returned the gun to her back with an air of boredom.
She slowly lowered Subaru to the ground, and after confirming he wasn't injured, they exchanged glances.
When her odd-colored eyes—a rare trait in this world—stared at him, Subaru felt like prey being sized up by a bird of prey.
「Did you come alone?」 (Hoshino)
「... Yeah, I was transported by helicopter to a nearby location, but...」 (Subaru)
「Wah, but since I couldn't see a helicopter from here, that means you traveled tens of kilometers on that bicycle, didn't you?」 (Hoshino)
「And thanks to that, my legs are swollen and completely wrecked, even though I had no intention of racing against motorcycles or anything. By the way... Takanashi Hoshino? That is your name, right? Based on what the Kaiser soldiers were shouting earlier.」 (Subaru)
「That's right~」 (Hoshino)
Hoshino walked sluggishly toward the school building, leaving Subaru behind. He tried to catch up, but... his legs wouldn't move.
The reason lay in the rejection latent even within the folds of their casual conversation... Subaru felt that rejection prickling his skin; the proof was that she stood before the school gate like a giant sentinel barring entry, and not for a moment did he feel he had permission to step onto the school grounds.
「I'll ask you one more question, Natsuki Subaru.」 (Hoshino)
「You ── ?」 (Hoshino)
「You are the one who came to save Abydos High School?」 (Hoshino)
「... I told you that's the case.」 (Subaru)
「Heeeh~」 (Hoshino)
Sand stretched out before the school gate. When she shook the sand from her feet, her movement seemed to draw a dividing line carrying a silent warning: "Cross this, and I shoot."
The blowing wind carried sand, and that sand reached every corner of Abydos, burying the area from the school to the city.
Subaru had visited sand dunes in Japan before, but for the first time, he was seeing quantities rivaling the Egyptian desert.
Since arriving in Abydos, the views from high places were... unique, making him feel as though he were traveling through a post-apocalyptic world where everything lay buried beneath sand... He remembered thinking it looked beautiful and enchanting, but...
The word "enchanting" seems an exaggeration of beauty; "tragic" would be more accurate.
「...」
It resembles disaster zones swept away by earthquakes and tsunamis, subjected to total destruction. If someone who had not lived through the catastrophe visited decades later, they might describe it as a "beautiful place."
When the filth of human life fades, and the buildings blocking the horizon collapse, leaving only nature in the land of disaster... it is, truthfully, beautiful.
They do this regarding it as "a thing of the past," paying no mind to those still resisting amidst the ruins.
「... Hoshino, you still see me... as suspicious, don't you?」 (Subaru)
「Hmm~」 (Hoshino)
── It is precisely for this reason that victims retort: "Don't mess with us." You people who know nothing—you don't know anything at all.
Even if that hand is a saving hand descended from the heavens, and even if the arrival is a "Deus Ex Machina" capable of untying every knot in the blink of an eye.
「Listen a little~ I'll tell you an old story. This school too, Abydos... wasn't originally a place buried in sand, and many people lived here, you know?」 (Hoshino)
「...」 (Subaru)
「Even after it was engulfed by sand, many people remained and strove hard to rebuild it.」 (Hoshino)
「I think the people in the city... were somewhat hopeful for the future.」 (Hoshino)
「But now, almost everyone has left Abydos.」 (Hoshino)
「For who would wish to live in a land where a terrorist organization sets up base right before their eyes?」 (Hoshino)
Subaru knows nothing about Hoshino, and remains ignorant of the truth of Abydos.
── As for Hoshino, she continued:
「Natsuki... Subaru.」 (Hoshino)
「Ruler of the Sanctum Tower, the Federal Student Council's hidden trump card, successor to the Student Council President, Savior of Kivotos, the man who tamed both the Disciplinary Committee and Problem Solver '68', and enemy of Kaiser Corporation.」 (Hoshino)
「You are a target for Kaiser mercenaries, and Abydos will be exterminated merely 'on the side' while targeting you.」 (Hoshino)
「Honestly~ this old lady (referring to herself) was stunned. Suddenly, such an entity appears out of nowhere without warning. I wondered what kind of great figure he would be... but, between the recorded data and you, which one is lying?」 (Hoshino)
「... ───」 (Subaru)
「Finally, one more time. Hey, Natsuki Subaru.」 (Hoshino)
「You.」 (Hoshino)
「You say you will save Abydos High School?」 (Hoshino)
── Breathe.
Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe! (Subaru)
Say something, say anything, Natsuki Subaru. Move your lungs, move your throat, move your hand or foot or anything—just move!!!
I came to save Abydos High School? I don't know; for what purpose did I come... so as not to give up? Will that meaning reach her? Just self-satisfaction because I don't want to give up? No, that's not enough; that won't do. I must speak words befitting a hero, words befitting this honor and that great existence ── (Subaru)
「Is that so.」 (Hoshino)
「"Yes," or anything—one word would have sufficed...」 (Hoshino)
「I wished you had answered me like you did just a moment ago.」 (Hoshino)
「Good night, Natsuki Subaru, you hollow hero. I'll return you to the Federal Student Council... so never come near Abydos again.」 (Hoshino)
── A powerful, heavy impact pierced his abdomen.
「Ugh... Ah... ──」 (Subaru)
Natsuki Subaru's entrails, and everything constituting his being, scattered backward with that impact.
Blood, flesh, internal organs, and bodily fluids he had never seen before. What had been beautifully symmetrical arms, legs, muscles, and bones transformed into hideous, asymmetrical fragments and flew through the air.
An impact as if a cannon had been pressed against his navel and fired directly harvested his consciousness and life together, snuffing out Subaru's life as one crushes an insect.
── Am I going to be killed again?
He muttered words mixed with malice and resignation... and in his final moments, he tried to look anxiously at his killer, expecting to see that face worn by everyone; the face that refuses to acknowledge the truth of "I killed," the face crushed by the weight of guilt, but...
「... ──」 (Subaru)
His eyes met Takanashi Hoshino's once again.
They were the same eyes as before, eyes of the same species as Natsuki Subaru, yet reflecting a different kind of hell.
And most importantly... they were eyes that accepted the reality of killing with cold detachment.
How can this happen? How does one reach this point? What must one do to possess such eyes?
I don't know; Natsuki Subaru knows nothing yet. About Abydos, and about her, even though he is ignorant of everything.
── He speaks of saving... while knowing nothing.
●○●○●
「Hah... ──」 (Subaru)
He jerked awake, sweat pouring off him like rain.
Sticky, viscous sweat, heavy enough to almost choke his breath.
When he opened his eyes, he did not find that girl's gaze, but a stark white ceiling.
「... Ah... Damn it... ──」 (Subaru)
Those eyes—that girl's look directed at Natsuki Subaru—had been burned into his memory and refused to fade.
He looked around to ensure his scattered entrails were not on the floor, then realized: yes, he had Returned by Death. He hung his head.
The IV tube connected to his arm shook, so he slammed his free hand hard against the mattress.
「W-with this... that makes 56 times.」 (Subaru)
I couldn't answer. I couldn't reply to that girl's words or give her an answer. I couldn't clearly explain the reason for my going...
── How pathetic.
「... Shut up.」 (Subaru)
── Even though you don't understand anything, and you don't realize what you must do.
「...」 (Subaru)
「I know that damn well!!」 (Subaru)
「... ── I know... that.」 (Subaru)
── No, you don't know.
For what reason does Natsuki Subaru repeat Return by Death and head to Abydos High School?
「...」 (Subaru)
「To save Kivotos.」 (Subaru)
That is not the reason.
「... Because I don't want to abandon Abydos.」 (Subaru)
Not that either.
「... To crush Kaiser...」 (Subaru)
Wrong.
Natsuki Subaru headed to Abydos in search of forgiveness.
If I save someone, someone will forgive me. If I help, someone will forgive me. If I solve the problem, someone will forgive me.
Because he walked this path seeking that, it is only natural that he finds no answer.
What Natsuki Subaru needs now is not to wipe away someone's tears, nor to save someone asking for help.
「...」 (Subaru)
And so, it was natural that he was unable to reply to that question.
Because Subaru does not possess the answer within himself to begin with.
「One more time, I'll try one more time.」 (Subaru)
「I'll meet her again, I'll meet Hoshino and...」 (Subaru)
── You will meet her, and then what?
「Meet her... that is all I can do right now! I have no other choice but to try!!」 (Subaru)
「I am advancing step by step... for now, that is enough...」 (Subaru)
── ...
Truly pathetic.
「...」 (Subaru)
「I know, I know it well.」 (Subaru)
Subaru let out a long, heavy sigh.
And once again, he heard the door open behind him.
「Good grief.」 (Rin)
「It seems you are awake, Mr. Natsuki.」 (Rin)
「Pleased to meet you.」 (Rin)
「───」 (Subaru)
「Pleased to meet you, huh... Yes, pleased to meet you, Rin.」 (Subaru)
●○●○●
I wonder how many times I have repeated this? Just to reach her, I died countless times. I repeated death over and over, clinging to a miracle that occurs only once every few dozen attempts. Yet, I am shattered once again before that school gate.
── Iteration ■■.
「Goodbye, Natsuki Subaru.」 (Hoshino)
「Wait, I said wait! Not yet! We haven't finished talk...!!」 (Subaru)
「That's enough. You have nothing to offer.」 (Hoshino)
「Farewell.」 (Hoshino)
── Iteration ■■.
「The Federal Student Council? You have some nerve showing your faces here.」 (Hoshino)
「I-I brought a lot of things that can counter those Kaiser bastards... I want to help Abydos... Can't you cooperate with us?」 (Subaru)
「... I think I'll pass~?」 (Hoshino)
── Iteration ■■.
「Just as expected, you're useless, Natsuki Subaru.」 (Hoshino)
「Why! I don't intend... to do anything bad to Abydos!」 (Subaru)
「I just want to protect Abydos from Kaiser... I just don't want to give up!」 (Subaru)
「You aren't the one (I'm looking for).」 (Hoshino)
── Iteration ■■.
「Go back the way you came. I'll escort you, so never come here again.」 (Hoshino)
── Iteration ■■■.
「You.」 (Hoshino)
「...」 (Subaru)
「── You are empty, aren't you?」 (Hoshino)
「Yes, empty.」 (Hoshino)
「Do you not understand what I'm saying? Yeah, I suppose you don't.」 (Hoshino)
「You cannot understand.」 (Hoshino)
── Iteration ■■■.
「You.」 (Hoshino)
「You are a "Hero."」 (Hoshino)
「You understand the hearts of people drowning in despair, and you grasp the feelings of those seeking salvation. Even my heart—you understand what I am thinking and what I want to say to you.」 (Hoshino)
「I've been watching you the whole time. You shook off Kaiser's pursuers alone without carrying a weapon, miraculously slipped through the Helmet Gang's blockade untouched, and arrived at Abydos High School safe and sound, without a scratch, proving you are a human worthy of saving us, saving Abydos.」 (Hoshino)
「You answer what I say with precision, striving to be the savior I require. Without using weapons... you are a boy searching for a path where everyone survives through dialogue and negotiation. I... like that kind of boy, you know?」 (Hoshino)
「I think you are amazing. Just as the rumors say—no, your presence surpasses them. You are a hero, Natsuki Subaru.」 (Hoshino)
「── But, you can only be a hero. You cannot be anything other than a "Hero."」 (Hoshino)
「That's enough, don't worry... I will protect Abydos somehow. Whether the opponent is Kaiser or anyone else, I think you could win... but for this old lady (herself), it might be hard to deal patiently with all the insects that keep swarming in~」 (Hoshino)
「However, I want you not to interfere with Abydos High School anymore.」 (Hoshino)
「I don't want you to take Abydos from my hands.」 (Hoshino)
●○●○●
「...」 (Subaru)
I wake up again.
How did I die this time? I don't even remember anymore.
I died absentmindedly. I feel as though I was walking aimlessly through the city.
Even though I hated death so intensely, and my heart broke with every Return by Death...
It seems that gradually, I no longer have a heart left to break.
「...」 (Subaru)
In the faint light of the obsolete mobile phone, the number 176 appears.
When did the number reach three digits? Initially, to reach her for a blind negotiation, I needed dozens of attempts, but in the recent loops, I reached her on the first try every time.
That expertise has no meaning now. He curled up into a ball, hugging his knees.
「...」 (Subaru)
I don't know what to do; I don't know how to move forward.
Is there even a path ahead of me? I don't know. Should I just defeat Kaiser immediately and be done with it? But Natsuki Subaru has nothing; no combat power and no weapons.
Yet, if I repeat the attempts, I will inevitably win. If I ignore all sacrifices, this ability is the strongest in the world.
I want to save; I want to save them. Why doesn't this feeling reach her? I know I'm unreliable, I'm not eloquent, I don't carry a weapon, and I have no special abilities to show off.
── I simply wish to save, so why does she push Natsuki Subaru's hand away?
「I don't understand, damn it...」 (Subaru)
Alright, I'll change my approach.
If I go in the morning, there might be other students, or if I bring the Federal Student Council with me, I might earn her trust. I've already deduced the safe route, so I can take a car or something...
Thus, he tries to change the "outcome" despite failing repeatedly, yet he never attempts to change the "core of the argument."
Even though Natsuki Subaru showed her the form she requested—or so he thought.
「What should I do... How should I act ──!」 (Subaru)
He buried his face in the pillow and screamed while tears and snot ran down his face.
Since I am helpless and powerless, it's okay to be pathetic... he justified to himself.
「───!!」 (Subaru)
He continued to vomit the emotions accumulated in his chest for several minutes.
── Suddenly, Subaru's mobile phone rang.
「Hu...h?」 (Subaru)
The melody of A Dog of Flanders, the tone he had set for incoming calls or his morning alarm, resonated through the room.
A light tune, yet carrying a cheerfulness akin to visiting an amusement park, reached his ears and stunned him.
This had never happened. Throughout the repeated Returns by Death, in this specific situation, he had never received a phone call even once.
Did something change in the Return by Death? While pain squeezed his heart... he quickly grabbed the mobile phone lying on the shelf and flipped open the screen.
「... ── Sorasaki, Hina?」 (Subaru)
Amidst his vision blurred with tears.
Her name appeared on the cold screen of the phone.
______________________________
Read 16 chapters ahead on my p.a.t.r.e.o.n : Raven737