-- 46. (The 46th Death Cycle)
「... I must not die, I cannot die, I am not allowed to die. If I die, if I die then... again...」 (Subaru)
He was seeing a nightmare. Though awake, he dreamt of the world "after death." He tried desperately to understand why he had been given a world that was simultaneously malicious and comfortable—a world that would perish if Natsuki Subaru were not in it. He kept rolling hatred and horror over his tongue.
Thus, he concluded that he simply must not die from this point forward. But "Death" is not a simple matter. Even so, it should be possible to avoid dying from now on. If he did not die...
-- Even if he kept moving forward without dying, nothing would erase the past.
「Shut up!!」 (Subaru)
「H-Hyah!?」 (Driver)
「Ugh, ah... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything.」 (Subaru)
「Ah, ah... Understood.」 (Driver)
Subaru had requested Rin's assistance to transport him by vehicle to the vicinity of Abydos High School.
Subaru's scream echoed inside the car. The driver jumped in his seat at the sudden, loud noise and nearly yanked the steering wheel violently.
The road was narrow, barely wide enough to pass alongside the stone walls of the houses, and an accident could occur at any moment.
One might grow weary of the unchanging world of sand, the unchanging absence of people, and the unchanging scenery. However, Subaru's gaze seemed to see nothing but his own knees at that moment. Had he glanced outside for a brief second, a scenery entirely new to him would have unfolded before his eyes, but alas.
Rin worried about Subaru, who kept muttering something with his head bowed, but Subaru insisted on pressing forward to find a solution to the situation.
He grabbed his tracksuit from the infirmary, retrieved his other belongings, and set off toward the school targeted by Kaiser, moving with a body that had not yet fully healed.
True, all he had to do was save everyone, help them, and not die even a single time.
「Ha, haha... -- It's easy, I managed to do it once... so...」 (Subaru)
That's right, he had managed to do it once. Natsuki Subaru had accomplished the mission.
「I can do it, I can do it.」 (Subaru)
The Hero, Natsuki Subaru, saved everyone once.
Therefore, he must be able to do it again.
The residential district was eerily quiet. The sand-buried city remained unchanged. It continued to distort the car's path just as before, and the scenery outside the window had not yet shifted.
-- Except for one point.
「What a... --」 (Subaru)
It was vanity.
Because Natsuki Subaru himself knew very well that the hero he imagined had never existed.
-- He knows it, yet he turns a blind eye to the truth. How utterly miserable.
「Hmm? Wait, wasn't this place closed off and cordoned... --」 (Subaru)
-- BOOM!
「「!?」」
Subaru's body was launched into the air, slamming against the roof of the car, while the flames of the blast scorched his skin.
「Kah... --!?」 (Subaru)
The shock to his back reverberated through his entire body, slamming into his lungs and rattling his heart.
The organs responsible for pumping oxygen temporarily ceased to function.
Strength drained from his body completely, and he gasped for oxygen with his mouth agape like a goldfish seeking food, his breath cut short in an instant.
「U... gh!」 (Subaru)
This time, the impact struck from the right, then below, then the left.
Before he could process what was happening, violent shocks assaulted Subaru's body from every angle. When a heavy blow struck his stomach, his frail entrails screamed in agony.
Every area that should have been protected—the head, neck, and spine—suffered severe trauma.
Overwhelmed by the sheer pain and the brutality inflicted upon his entire body, Natsuki Subaru's consciousness began to fade.
「What... is happening --」 (Subaru)
Once the barrage of blows from every direction finally ceased.
Subaru saw the reason he had lost all sense of balance, feeling as though he had been tossed into a spinning washing machine.
Writhing in pain, his field of vision revealed... that the car's roof was now on the ground. Through the shattered windshield, he saw girls wearing black helmets gathering like vultures scavenging a corpse.
-- Ah, am I going to die again?
「…」 (Subaru)
The driver, unconscious and restrained by his seatbelt, remained unharmed save for some bleeding from his arm, likely caused by a glass shard.
As for Natsuki Subaru, he felt a searing heat in his abdomen and simultaneously vomited a clot of blood. With his forehead cut open, his vision was dyed "crimson."
His stomach hurt—it hurt as if it were being torn apart.
His insides had ruptured, and blood drained from his body. He could not breathe, and the trembling would not stop.
A shard of glass had pierced his flank and lodged itself there; blood and pain mingled, transforming into tears.
He had learned since childhood to fasten his seatbelt when riding in a car, yet he failed to adhere even to that.
It hurts; he is going to die.
-- Die?
「... -- N, No... I can't...」 (Subaru)
He cannot die.
「Ah, buh...」 (Subaru)
「-- If I die...」 (Subaru)
He must not; he cannot die.
「Ugh, bub... buba... --」 (Subaru)
「C'mon! There's only two people inside! Nothing worth mentioning! Pull back, pull back!」 (Person 1)
「Huh?! Wasn't there something for us to take?!」 (Person 2)
「Nothing. We expected good loot since it was a transport vehicle, but there's only one woman and... -- Wait, this is...」 (Person 3)
Reflected in Subaru's crimson-dyed eyes was the sight of another gun, for the... thousandth time.
「Bub-eh --」 (Subaru's sound)
「Whoa, it's Natsuki Subaru! What a massive catch! ... Eww, this blood vomit is gross.」 (Person 4)
「Holy shit!! Let's blackmail the Federal Student Council using this guy! We won't go hungry for a while with this! We can cut ties with Kaiser, hire enough security to ignore any threats, and then party at the Burama base!」 (Person 5)
「「Yeah!」」 (The Group)
「ーーーー」 (Subaru)
-- What are these people saying?
A human being is about to die, isn't he? You are killing me right here, right before my eyes—so why, why are you rejoicing? You bastards --.
「Ah... Oh... Eh.」 (Subaru)
「Hit him with one shot; that should suffice for now.」 (Gang Member)
「Roger that, Ma'am! Heheh! Big catch, big catch!」 (Gang Member)
This is no joke.
You are killing me without understanding a thing, snatching my life away without knowing anything about me.
You knew exactly what would happen if you blew up the car. Who bears the responsibility when someone dies because of your actions?
You do. You murderers are the ones responsible.
-- Am I to be killed by a group that doesn't even realize this?
You know nothing—you don't know a single damn thing—yet you snuff out the life of Natsuki Subaru? This world might vanish because of you. All of this is because of you. Because of you --!!
「Come on, drag him out!」 (Gang Member)
「Is something caught?」 (Gang Member)
No. Stay away. I don't want to die.
I won't make it. I will die before receiving treatment.
I won't survive. I won't survive? If I don't survive, I will die.
I don't want to die. I must not die. I cannot die.
I cannot die, I cannot die, I cannot die, I cannot die, I cannot die, I cannot die... ---.
「Ah.」 (Subaru)
●○●○●
-- Return by Death No. 46.
「...」 (Subaru)
A familiar ceiling greeted Natsuki Subaru.
He saw the clean, white room he had viewed recently and smelled the medicinal scent reminiscent of Sena.
An IV drip stood beside him, connected to his arm, and he wore a hospital gown indicating he was in recovery.
He was not wearing his tracksuit. Had fortune favored him? Had he survived the severe injuries he just sustained, been transported to the hospital, and hooked up to an IV again?
When he Returns by Death, he restarts above the convenience store. Since he had not returned to that location, he had not died and transferred yet—perhaps.
「...」 (Subaru)
When humans crave safety, they turn a blind eye to unwanted truths, choosing instead false or faint possibilities.
Such illusions and hallucinations are never validated; escapism of this sort never proves true.
「...」 (Subaru)
He wasted tens of minutes simply staring at the ceiling, wishing for those illusions to be real.
「Good grief.」 (Rin)
The hospital room door opened, and Nanagami Rin entered.
Subaru felt a mixture of emotions somewhere between awaiting high school acceptance results and hearing a sentence of eternal damnation.
「Pleased to meet you.」 (Rin)
「I see you are awake, Mr. Natsuki.」 (Rin)
-- The truth was declared with absolute clarity.
●○●○●
--- Three nights later.
「...」 (Subaru)
He continued staring out the window, just as he had yesterday.
A man lingered in the hospital doing nothing, saying nothing, and showing no reaction.
He did not respond to voices, nor did he take any action. Since only a short time had passed since the shooting, he was permitted—for now—to do nothing.
To an observer, he might have appeared dead; nurses frequently came to check that he was still breathing.
He could no longer swallow food, so they pumped nutrient fluids down his throat. By the third day, gauntness was clearly visible on his face.
Subaru watched the glittering stars in the night sky as was his custom—a living corpse.
-- Suddenly, his ears caught the sound of footsteps.
They were the footsteps of multiple people. Unlike the nurses' soft, gentle tread, these sounded like a military march.
As the sound drew closer, screams erupted from within the facility.
「Is he here?」 (Soldier/Automaton)
The door to the hospital room was breached with force; the unhinged door shattered, and the room's contents were demolished.
Subaru continued to stare out the window relentlessly, just as always.
「You are Natsuki Subaru, correct?」 (Automaton)
「...」 (Subaru)
「All units, prepare.」 (Automaton)
Hearing that familiar mechanical voice, Subaru slowly turned his head to see robotic soldiers painted black.
The Kaiser emblem was etched onto the automaton.
Just as expected, they stood before him, unchanging in every loop.
They are the root cause of all this, yet they stand upon a foundation—the world itself—that could vanish the moment Subaru dies, completely oblivious to that fact.
「Are you Natsuki Subaru? ... After all the anticipation, you look like nothing more than a corpse.」 (Automaton)
-- A corpse? Even though Subaru is still alive?
「… Ah...」 (Subaru)
「It seems you have something to say.」 (Automaton)
「...」 (Subaru)
「You... don't...」 (Subaru)
「You don't know anything, and yet...」 (Subaru)
「And yet you kill me without knowing a single thing about me?」 (Subaru)
「Affirmative.」 (Automaton)
Everyone in this world is the same. They point guns at others without knowing a thing about them; they point guns before even attempting to understand.
Rejection and the inability to understand have taken physical form. They skip every step of the process of understanding, directing guns, bombs, and hostility instead of words.
That is why I cannot understand. I do not understand how mutual understanding is possible, nor perhaps why they are incapable of it. Because guns are brandished, and because the inhabitants of this world brandish things they do not realize signify rejection, they cannot understand one another.
-- Even though they know nothing.
「If you die, the Federal Student Council and Kivotos will collapse.」 (Automaton)
「You have become far too famous, Natsuki Subaru.」 (Automaton)
「You have become a symbol. Since you declared yourself an enemy of Kaiser, in this situation, you might become the existence that binds all of Kivotos together.」 (Automaton)
「Therefore, you must die. We are not ignorant of anything; rather, we are killing you because we know exactly what will happen. If you die --」 (Automaton)
「Nooo!!」 (Subaru)
「Hmph...」 (Automaton)
「You... you don't know! You don't know anything!!」 (Subaru)
「You don't realize...!! Nothing... -- nothing at all... nothing...」 (Subaru)
「... You realize nothing.」 (Subaru)
「...…」 (Automaton)
The Kaiser soldier completely ignored Subaru's words, dismissing them as rambling. A hero—what kind of man was he? It turned out he was merely a boy, just a child screaming and crying.
Feeling disappointed, the machine aimed at Natsuki Subaru's forehead.
「Is that all you have to say?」 (Automaton)
「...」 (Subaru)
「Very well, goodbye then. Let the total war with Kivotos begin with your death.」 (Automaton)
「-- Open fire.」 (Automaton)
A volley of gunfire erupted from dozens of soldiers.
Naturally, Natsuki Subaru's life scattered quickly—faster than a dry leaf blown by the wind.
The human body transformed into a lump of meat, the lump of meat into fragments, and the fragments into a mist of blood.
He had wished to do nothing, begging them to do nothing.
The third day of Natsuki Subaru's life, which he had spent every night in such prayers.
His life was lost, and his prayers were spat upon.
●○●○●
-- (Cycle) 47.
「Mr. Natsuki! Where are you going?!」 (Rin)
Subaru ran without ceasing. He tore out the IV drip and cast it aside, driving his exhausted, sickly body forward while steadying his broken heart with his hands.
Naturally, a human running in such a condition could not get far.
He was quickly apprehended, collapsing to his knees as he vomited.
「-- To Schale?」 (Subaru)
There was a place he needed to go—to that Chest which stood by his side.
For tens of minutes, Subaru kept his hand over his eyes the entire time. In that state, he was transported to the location of the Chest.
「Welcome back, Natsuki Subaru-sama. This is the fifth time we have met --」 (Arona)
「... -- The forty-seventh time (47). I understand. Upon your future returns, I will use the "Observation Function" to apply a correction to Subaru-sama's observation count.」 (Arona)
「Link it... to the mobile device? Yes, that is possible, but... -- Are you certain about this?」 (Arona)
She must be the only one who knows.
She must perceive and verify the number of mistakes Natsuki Subaru commits.
Every time Subaru dies, the count appears on his mobile phone (that piece of obsolete technology).
This is so Subaru himself realizes the errors Natsuki Subaru has committed.
If he leaps between worlds each time he dies, then Natsuki Subaru's sin is "Death" itself. The more he repeats death, the heavier the sin upon his shoulders becomes.
Do not get killed. Do not die. Live; stay alive to save.
「... I'm sorry.」 (Subaru)
That... that alone.
「-- Please forgive me.」 (Subaru)
That alone is the "absolution" Natsuki Subaru can obtain.
●○●○●
-- (Cycle) 48.
On the road through the Abydos desert, he was attacked by the Helmet Gang.
-- (Cycle) 49.
He took the aerial route, but his aircraft was shot down by Kaiser.
-- (Cycle) 50.
After his transport, he moved out alone in search of a shortcut, and after that --.
-- (Cycle) 51.
Suicide attempt. After being confined in the infirmary, he was attacked by Kaiser.
-- (Cycle) 52.
After his transport, he moved by bicycle, then later died of heatstroke.
-- (Cycle) 53.
After his transport, he began moving on foot. He later died of heatstroke.
-- (Cycle) 54.
「... Mr. Natsuki.」 (Rin)
「Why were you apologizing the whole time?」 (Rin)
He died after moving on foot, due to heatstroke.
●○●○●
-- Consciousness awakens.
Since Subaru came to this world, waking up has never once been pleasant.
This is his state, forever.
-- ■■.
「...」 (Subaru)
He stared at the ceiling he was sick of seeing, the neglected shelf he was sick of, and the mobile phone he was sick of.
He flipped open the obsolete phone.
「...」 (Subaru)
He read the number displayed on it and moved forward with his day, propping up his broken heart with his nightmares.
-- Return by Death No. 55.
Natsuki Subaru removed the IV drip.
He arranged his pillow and smoothed out the bedsheet.
He stared at the door, timing it without missing a single second or minute, until Nanagami Rin entered,
「Good grief.」 (Rin)
「Pleased to meet you.」 (Rin)
「I see you are awake, Mr. Natsuki.」 (Rin)
「-- Yeah.」 (Subaru)
「Pleased to meet you, indeed.」 (Subaru)
Thus, Subaru once again greets the person he is meeting for the first time.
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Regarding the bonus chapters, I have decided to set a goal:
The chapters of this novel are very long, sometimes reaching up to 4,000 words. I believe it is a wonderful novel, and thus, seeing it receive no support was disappointing.
Also, the support on Patreon is still zero so far, even though the prices are extremely low. I don't know exactly what the issue is, as I am still a beginner in all of this. I started this based on a friend's advice, hoping for an additional income to help me.
However, after a month, this has started to affect my studies. Therefore, what I want to say is that your support ensures the continuity of the work and even allows me to increase the publishingpace. In any case, I apologize for the long message.
Bonus Chapter Goal:
500 Powerstones – One bonus chapter
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