"So… ahem… what is the second power, then?"
[Host, you should already know. Extraction is art of extracting anything from everything, and everything from anything, is it not?]
"Aha, yes, truly so…"
Kai's heart beat faster, thumping like drums of war before a heavenly tribulation.
[Such as skills, attribute points, materials, and even the underwear of fated beauties if you so desire?]
"Yes…"
Ba-dump. Ba-dum.
Kai's eyes widened like he had just seen the legendary Jade Peak Big Breasted Fairy. Could it be…? Does this mean he is destined to be the overpowered existence? The one to walk the path of heavens while stepping on countless dog-licking young masters? Could it be… he is the real protagonist of this dogshit world?!
He turned his gaze back at the academy gate, where Sakura Flatfield had just sashayed in, her hips swaying like willows in spring breeze. Kai's lips curled into sinister smile. He closed his eyes, waiting for the final heavenly decree.
[This is basically it.]
Kai let out a long breath, like immortal who had just released three thousand years of pent-up yang essence. Relief flooded his body like holy wine. Truly, the heavens had not abandoned him.
So not all hope was lost, ah! Honestly speaking, he never doubted the system for even half-breath. Such was his firm dao heart.
[Host is truly shameless.]
"Hehe… this young master accepts such compliment with no hesitation!"
"Ahem, ahem… anyway, this humble disciple supposes there are surely some conditions, yes? It cannot be truly all that heaven-defying OP, right? There must be some flaw hidden in the dogshit, yes?"
Indeed, in this ridiculous world, every so-called divine super ability would come bundled with a flaw. Not fatal flaw, but at least mosquito-biting-in-the-crotch type of flaw. Enough to cause irritation of the Dao heart.
For example, take that so-called chosen son, Naruto Nosmoking. His power was fueled by anger. Yes, the more furious he became, the more his strength grew. But the heavens were laughing, because with each rage increase, his brain cells decreased. In other words—he lost sanity.
Truly, what kind of shameless author gives main character such bullshit ability? The more he powers up, the more he transforms into rabid donkey, unable to differentiate friend or foe.
In the dogshit game, there were countless scenes where this trash hero lost his mind, foamed at the mouth, and attacked his own jade beauties.
Poor Hinata Softbuns once suffered greatly—flung away by single strike of Nosmoking's fist. She flew three hundred meters, crashed down like fallen immortal crane, and would have been reduced to meat paste if not for her divine cultivation of Heavenly Bouncy Double-Buns Physique. Her glorious front buns and rear buns absorbed the impact like dual sacred cushions, saving her from premature entering of ancestor realm.
Such was the stupidity of this game's world.
[Flaws are there to check you mortals haughtiness, host.]
Kai nodded sagely, stroking his chin like some wandering old master.
"Mn. Truly, Heaven is just a pervert in disguise."
For example, Sakura Flatfield's ability was known as Heavenly Tsundere Flame Physique.Her flaw? Truly heaven-defying stupidity.
Whenever she grew too prideful, her flame cultivation backfired. Meaning: the hotter she acted, the sweatier she became. The sweatier she became, the more her uniform clung to her body. And the more her uniform clung to her body… the more shameless the author became in describing every curve of her so-called "jade mountains."
It was a vicious cycle of perverted destiny.
Then there was Sasuke Fruitcake, cold-eyed emo boy with his power: Lonely Sword of Emo Darkness.
His flaw? Every time he used it, his hair grew one inch longer and covered more of his face. Eventually, he couldn't see shit. Enemies dodged easily, but he still pretended to be cool. Truly, what a tragic joke of heaven.
Even side characters weren't spared. Like Kakashi Handpull, whose power was One-Eyed Secret Sharing-Bed Technique.
Flaw? Chronic addiction to smut scrolls. If he didn't read one every three hours, his qi circulation stagnated, and his nose bled rivers. Cultivation deviation caused by blue-balling, truly a pitiful fate.
The entire roster of this game was basically parody cultivation trash. Every "flaw" was not heavenly tribulation, but author's horny imagination in disguise.
[Since Host's super ability is not directly offense or defense type, but more like… eh, scavenger dog type, your flaw is that you must meet certain strange condition in order to extract skills and powers.]
"En? Conditions? Speak clearly, System."
Kai's brows furrowed, but deep inside his heart he already had shameless smile. If the ability was truly heaven-defying, what need he fear of one or two flaws? As long as his skill remained OP, he doesn't have to fear anything at all.
[For example… you cannot extract from living body directly. You can only extract from dead body or item.]
Kai nodded like sage who understood profound Dao.
"Mn. Reasonable. Even Buddha cannot eat hot tofu. Extraction must have balance."
[Unless…]
Kai blinked. "Unless what?"
[Unless it is panties and bras…]
"...?"
Kai froze like thunderstruck cultivator.
[...]
The silence between man and system was heavier than Mount Tai.
"System…" Kai finally said with trembling voice. "You are truly dogshit shameless thing."
[What?! Do not wrongly accuse this humble system! It is not system's fault, Host! It is this world that designated such perverted condition to you! Not system! Not me! Do not slander my innocent core!]
Kai slapped his thigh, laughing three parts bitterness, seven parts lewdness.
"Heh heh heh… calling me shameless, yet your mouth is dripping with indecency. You dare call yourself pure? You are arrogant system, arrogant beyond reason! Truly like jade beauty who hides dildo under pillow."
[Host is truly the shameless one! How dare you laugh at your benefactor like a drunk uncle at a brothel feast!]
"Hehe… and yet, who is the one encouraging me to touch undergarments for cultivation purpose? Truly, system, your dao is too crooked. Even jade beauties would feel unsafe under your guidance."
[You—you—you!!!]
Kai smirked, rubbing his chin like some third-rate villain who just discovered his harem plotline.
"Anyway, system. Is that the only condition? Cannot extract from anything living unless it is panties and bras? Fu fu~"
[...]
[.....]
[...Hmpfff…]
Kai almost rolled on the ground. Seeing the so-called all-knowing system suddenly acting like tsundere young miss, he burst into laughing frenzy. His body bent forward, hands clutching his knees, breath escaping like broken bellows.
"Hah… hahahaha! Truly… truly unbelievable! A system that blushes harder than virgin widow on wedding night!"
[Host… shut your dog mouth!]
"Oi oi, don't be angry, my little tsundere jade system! Heh heh… I swear, this is even more exciting than watching Hinata Softbuns bounce in 4K ultra HD!"
[You…! You are truly shameless! In all heavens, ten thousand worlds, this system has never seen such lowly, perverted, donkey-brained host!]
Kai wiped a tear of laughter from his eye, still grinning ear to ear.
"Then it is fated. You and me, System. A shameless host and a tsundere system… destined to shake the very Dao of Porn Game World!"
[...This system refuses to admit such filthy destiny…]
"Hehehehe… don't worry, you will moan 'Host-sama~' before long."
[!!]
[Host, stop laughing like donkey in mating season! This system is serious!]
Kai wiped his eyes, but the grin on his face remained as lewd as monk who snuck into brothel.
"Hehehe… then speak, my little tsundere jade system. What other heavenly conditions are there? Don't tell me I must also sniff socks to cultivate Dao of Extraction?"
[...Cough! Not socks. Only undergarments with direct yin fragrance. Panties and bras carry special resonance of feminine qi, therefore they count as… semi-living artifacts.]
Kai's jaw dropped. Then his lips curled into wicked smile.
"Semi-living artifacts, huh? Hehehe… system, you are more perverted than me! This humble disciple kneels in respect!"
[Shut up, dog host! This system only speaks truth of Dao. You think I enjoy explaining why panties have higher energy conductivity than spirit stones?!]
Kai slammed fist into palm, enlightened expression flashing across his ugly face.
"I see! Then if I extract from bra of Hinata Softbuns, would I gain Yin Charm attribute?"
[...Yes. Probably.]
"Hah! Heavens, you truly did not abandon me! While other fools cultivate sword qi and immortal flames, this great one shall cultivate Dao of Lingerie!"
[There is one more thing, Host. This is the most important matter.]
Kai immediately stiffened. If the system called it "most important," then surely it was something of heavenly gravity. He prayed it would not be… sniffing assholes directly to achieve enlightenment or some such nonsense.
[Pervert. The last condition is: you cannot extract any super ability from anyone dead.]
Kai blinked, jaw slack.
"What is this dogshit super ability?! Can't extract super abilities or skills from dead bodies? Then the only use of this skill… is to extract panties and bras? That's all?!"
His fists clenched. His face flushed red as mountain fire. The system was truly tormenting him—first giving hope, then crushing it like sadistic old cultivator smashing a young disciple's yin essence.
[No, Host. You can extract super abilities… just not from the dead…]
Kai's chest heaved.
"Wait… I can do that?! Oh heavens, system! I am most humble and most apologetic! Forgive this lowly Dao junior for cursing your perverted circuits. Tell me! What must I do?"
[…You can extract skills… but only by mating with the one whose skill you desire.]
Kai's eyebrows twitched like two vipers striking the heavens.
"You… mean…"
[Yes. If you wish to gain Naruto Nosmoking's Limit Breaker, or any other super ability, Host must sleep with them. Only through carnal union can the Dao of Extraction flow.]
.
.
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[A/N] — Fellow Daoists, tell me! Is this Extraction skill worthy of your sacred cultivation hearts? Choose your path:
🛑"Mm… let me have it. This humble disciple accepts Dao of Lingerie Extraction!"
⭕️"Such atrocious, shameless power… give it to me! I shall wield it and shake the heavens, while jade beauties tremble beneath my divine hands!"