"Dao of Extraction, my ass."
Kai spat on the ground, eyes narrowing like some third-rate young master in a back-alley tavern. Once again, he solemnly raised his trembling hand above the wolf's corpse.
But unbeknownst to this great sage of idiocy, the damn thing's mane and claws had already vanished. What remained was nothing but a slab of charred flesh—one might even call it an overcooked steak, though even the cheapest roadside stall wouldn't dare serve such disgrace.
"W-what in the Nine Heavens happened?!"
[Host, you extracted the mane and claws. They are gone. What do you expect? Infinite respawn materials? Eternal gold hack?]
Kai froze. His mind collapsed. His Dao heart shook like an old man seeing his first pair of kneesocks.
"…Wait. So it's not… infinity money glitch?"
[No, host. Do not dream of duplicating treasures like some cultivation-world scammer.]
Kai staggered three steps back, muttering like a drunk scholar.
"That was true… if I could endlessly extract materials, I could ascend instantly! Just open a shop: Panty Pavilion of the Immortal Emperor! Cloth makers, alchemists, weapon forgers—all would kneel before me. Truly, this was the path to heavenly prosperity!"
He clutched his head.
"But no…! The heavens are merciless. This system is a stingy old landlord!"
[Host, it is called balance. Otherwise you would become tycoon among peasants.]
Kai fell to his knees, pointing dramatically at the sky.
"Balance? Nonsense! I was destined to be the bug in the code of existence! Who dares deny me? Even the Dao of Infinite Loot Farming shall bend before my greatness!"
"Dammit! Then show me my status screen."
Immediately, like the breath of heaven farting in his face, a blue transparent window unfolded before his mortal dog eyes.
[Name: Kaizen Longdong]
Kai's face twitched. Instantly he wanted to dig up this guy's parents and give them a righteous punch in the ancestral tablets.
Seriously. The world was already too parody, but this? This was criminal. At least Naruto Nosmoking and Sasuke Fruitcake had some sense of tragic irony.
But Longdong?
Long… dong.
Loooooong doooooong.
"Welp," Kai muttered, holding back holy laughter, "from the name itself, I am ninety-nine percent sure of what can be expected. Parents don't call you Longdong if you have shrimp noodle, right? It is only natural law."
The system continued, heartlessly.
[Rank: G-]
[Class: Eternal Virgin]
[Title: (Weirdo) (Smelly Virgin) (Discount Failure)]
[Strength: G- (12/100)]
[Agility: G- (4/100)]
[Intelligence: G- (60/100)]
[Luck: G- (0/100)]
[Charm: G- (0/100)]
[Attribute Points: 2]
[Passive Skills: Wolfish Charm (Rank G), Hands of Eros (Rank G-)]
[Super Ability: Extraction (Rank D)]
"…"
"…"
"…"
[..mmm… host?]
Kai's Dao heart cracked into eight million shards. He roared, voice echoing like a donkey in estrus.
"WHAT—WHAT IS THIS DOG SHIT STATUS????!!! Even background extras in mobile gacha have better numbers than this abandoned trash! Everything… is rank G… MINUS!!! MINUS!!!"
He clawed at his hair.
"Look at this! Strength like dying chicken! Agility like crippled snail! Luck ZERO, as if heavens themselves want me to step on dog shit every day!!! And what kind of 'class' is Eternal Virgin? Even pig in village is more experienced than this!!!"
[Host, please calm yourself. You still have Super Ability.]
Kai spat blood, pointing dramatically at the sky.
"Extraction my ass! Extraction of shame only! If this is destiny, then let heaven strike me with thunderbolts and piss directly in my mouth!!!"
Kai had the urge to punch the heavens, but since his fist was basically wet noodle tier, he just shook his head and howled like a dog kicked in the balls.
"Getting transmigrated into a stupid porn game, and this… THIS is my status?! What the hell is this cosmic prank?!"
[But wait, host, your Super Ability is Extraction…]
"So?"
[So… all you have to do is find some dead bodies, and viola, you will have attribute points to spend on your status.]
"…Wait. You're saying… my cultivation path… is grave robbing?"
[Correction: not grave robbing. It is called— Dao of Extraction. Very noble, very elegant.]
"Dao of Extraction, my sweaty ass! "This isn't noble, this is just recycling trash for exp points! I'm basically a cosmic garbage man! Heaven, why must you make me janitor of corpses???"
[Host, please be content. Not everyone can hold such unique destiny. After all, corpses never complain. Living people do.]
Kai slapped his own face.
"This is literally porn game logic! Am I supposed to become a legendary virgin necromancer?!"
[This is a porn game world, host. Please stop complaining.]
Kai sucked in a deep breath like some budget monk trying to calm his inner demons. Nothing could be done here. Nothing but swallow the humiliation like cold noodles.
He had the urge to spend the two pitiful attribute points, but really, what was the point? Adding two drops of piss into a desert wasn't going to grow crops. He decided to hold them for later, like some cheap hoarder protagonist.
He had so many questions for the system, but first things first—he needed to actually get to his class. Maybe then he could understand what the hell this world wanted from him.
Thankfully, Miss Sakura Flatfield didn't take him further into the forest to bully. He was still at the back entrance of the academy.
The academy itself was… how to say… peak anime cliché. Shining corridors, oversized windows, a suspicious amount of cherry blossoms despite wrong season. One could practically hear the opening song in the background.
In no time, Kai arrived at his classroom.
As expected, the stares came. Judging eyes, mocking eyes, the kind of eyes that stripped a man more brutally than taxes. Girls whispered. Boys smirked.
Kai ignored them all like a true sage who had already taken mental damage beyond repair.
He promised himself he would take revenge later anyway. Oh yes. One day these extra characters would kneel before him. Just not today. Today, he was still a walking joke.
His classroom was on the second floor. Back row. Next to the open window.
"…Pfft, man, if this was an anime, I'd be the protagonist here."
He plopped into his seat, chin resting lazily on his palm, eyes scanning the classroom like a wannabe emperor of dogshit.
'Observe, observe… know thy battlefield.'
Sakura Flatfield was sitting on Sasuke Fruitcake's lap.
Sasuke Fruitcake, the emo boy with hair as long as the sorrow of ten thousand cultivators, was telling dogshit stories to his minions and the ladies gathered around like disciples of some petty sect.
Meanwhile, Sakura's eyes… sometimes wandered. Drifted. To the back of the class.
Kai watched. Heart thumping like drum of war in mountain cave. By following her eyes, he discovered the true protagonist of this world.
Naruto. Naruto Nosmoking. The so-called hero, standing there with that smug aura that only main characters can emit.
He was speaking to his girlfriend. Hinata Softbuns.
Seeing her, Kai's heart began to beat faster, like a young cultivator who accidentally inhaled a thousand years of yin essence.
He did not feel his Longdong awaken—not yet—but lust, oh lust, flowed through his veins like molten steel through frozen river.
Because this Hinata… she was from his wet dreams. A manifestation of forbidden desire. Stacked, curvy, and perfect for cultivation of lust energy.
The white shirt clung to her chest as if it feared being ripped apart by heaven itself.
An innocent face, yet hiding a body that could slay emperors of ecstasy. Her light lavender eyes glimmered like spirit stones, pure yet dangerous.
And the blue skirt—oh heavens, the blue skirt—ended just above her knees, the fabric dipping over her ass-cheeks like flowing river of silk. One could almost hear the Dao of Temptation resonating in the classroom.
Kai swallowed hard. His mind whispered, and his heart obeyed.
'Boy, we are feasting today.'
All of a sudden he got sudden system message. Reading it, Kai's eyes widened with horror.
[Ding! Your very first quest has appeared, host!]
[Quest: Steal Hinata Softbun's panty!]
[Reward: Reactivate your Longdong!]
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Guys, if you like this, sent in your hard earned powerstones to show support. Don't forget to comment. By the way, exect lemons in the coming chapters!