The ceremony itself didn't last long, but what made me feel bad about the whole event was having his coffin just a few meters away from me.
Knowing that if I removed the lid I could see his face again terrified me far more than I expected. I also couldn't bear to see his framed photo near the coffin.
I was able to control myself enough not to cry, even though some people in the room were already doing so.
I'm not saying this as a joke; they have the right to do so, after all. Something that caught me off guard was that my mother was part of that group.
She wasn't crying profusely; she was trying to hold it in while the occasional tear escaped. For some reason, it made me feel sick to see her like that. That was what disgusted me the most.
After the ceremony, and before taking the body to the cemetery, we spent some time in the church. Once again, the adults only took the opportunity to talk about the misfortune that had occurred, or how tragic it was that something like this had happened.
And I want to emphasize the tragic.
No one in the room knew she had committed suicide. Everyone thought a criminal was behind it all.
That she was out on the street and attacked. That someone broke into the house and she tried to defend herself in vain. Apparently, my father omitted the cause when describing what happened.
I'm not one to judge whether that's right or wrong, as I'm the first to hide something important. Even if he said it, it would make everyone feel worse.
During the time I was in the temple, I just leaned against the wall and stared at the photo I'd put on the altar of ^[Ç+?. It was from last year, I think it's the one she used to get into high school. She was smiling.
The altar decoration was something worthy of having. Even though I can't stop thinking about how much it must have cost my father to put all this together, it still seems worth it.
Another thing worth mentioning is that my mother came to talk to me with my father. Fortunately, she didn't give me any bad news, like they're going to get back together.
He came over to say hello and tell me that he was staying home just for today. I didn't say anything about it.
I had nothing to talk to her about anyway. She was never someone I cared about, and now I just hate her, even though it would have been worse if she had stayed with us.
The mere fact that you have reasons to separate yourself underscores the mistake you made by getting together with Dad. If this was all going to end like this, it would have been better not to have gotten involved with him in the first place.
At least I appreciate that you apologized for my sister, even though it's not your fault. You're being much more grown-up than I thought.
I imagined she'd be apathetic and angry, as if this was a pain in the ass, but I feel like she's genuinely hurt that she lost her daughter, which is just common sense, even if she's one she abandoned.
It's something I'll never forgive her for. The only reason there was such a bad atmosphere at home for a while was because of her and her pride. All because she couldn't handle a child's tantrum well.
After what I did with Grandma, she would argue with Dad every chance she got, she was always complaining about something, and even if you tried to defend her, she would lash out at you.
It was like he didn't trust anyone but her. I hate that my dad had to go through so much grief because of her, and that when he finally goes to bother someone else, he has to go through this.
Can't anyone just have a normal life?
Coming here has made me feel sick. I don't even know how to describe what I feel. But this is enough for me.
I'm afraid that if I go to the cemetery, I won't be able to stand it.
Before we left, Suzune joined me again. Apparently, she'd gone outside for a moment before coming with me. Did she cry? I doubt it.
She didn't confront me directly like before, she leaned her back against the wall, just like me, next to me.
"…"
"…I'm sorry."
"…It's not your fault."
No one said anything. Despite the noise in the room, I felt like that thick layer of black fog was slowly caressing my back as I glanced at ^[Ç+?'s photo.
But, before leaving the temple on my own, I continued with what I couldn't tell him before.
" Suzune, thank you for talking to my sister."
"…?"
"From what I know, you weren't with her for very long, and I don't know if you two got along at first, but still, thank you for trying to get closer to her."
" No… I…"
"I know you wanted to spend more time with her." Saying that, she stared at me for a moment, doubtful. Soon, she made a decision.
"…Can we go outside for a moment?" As she looked away from me, she asked that question. Of course, I said yes, and we went behind the temple, where no one was.
"So… what did you want to tell me here?" Under any circumstances, I would have added to that question some phrase like, "You don't want to do things to me, do you?" But I'm not so stupid as to not understand the current situation.
She took a brief moment to sigh.
" First of all… What do you do to notice that kind of thing? Do you think I'm 'shy'?"
"You're just like a friend of mine," I replied without hesitation.
" I don't know what that friend you're talking about is like, but I don't consider myself shy at all. Most people tell me I'm very cold, and that I ignore people a lot, and…"
"That's why you're antisocial. The friend I'm talking about is only half-hearted, but it still counts."
Apparently, that assumption of mine made Suzune break her usually formal demeanor, blushing a little.
" How can you say that to my face?!"
"Am I wrong?"
"Well… not really…" She adjusted her glasses before giving her opinion. "I don't mind spending time alone, but, contrary to what you might think, I do have friends in class. Maybe I'm more like that friend you're talking about than I think…" She even seems annoyed that I got so many right. I'm cheating, though, so I'm not proud of it. I know more than I should.
" Um, so after finding that out… What was the second thing you were going to say to me?"
"Oh, yeah." Hearing my question, she clasped her hands behind her back and clasped them together. "Um…"
She took her time expressing what she wanted to say. I could even feel in real time how she was becoming more and more softened, and even seemed sad. After taking a breath, she began to speak.
"I… I didn't want to talk to her at first. She didn't seem like a bad person, but with so many people in class talking badly about her… I was afraid they'd pick on me too. A few days later, I was able to talk to her, and I apologized for rejecting her like that. In the end, I grew interested in her. I barely knew her, and maybe I did it out of pity at first, but even with the little time I've spent with her, I feel like she really was a friend… and…" Suzune stopped talking for a moment, turned away without saying a word, and once again there was silence.
Even though it's something familiar to me, I hate it when there's too much silence when I'm with someone. It's uncomfortable.
The reason she'd turned around was clear. I didn't know her at all, and she barely knew my sister, but even so, she was crying for her.
How quickly can you form a relationship strong enough with a person that you can mourn their death?
For my part, even though I'd just met her, I didn't want her to cry in front of me about her. If this keeps up, I'll end up crying too.
" Suzune…"
"…Why did she have to leave? And in such a way… I don't understand, what happened for her to leave?… And, I thought I could be her…"
I wanted to talk for that selfish reason, to avoid crying in front of others. I thought it was a terrible thing to do, and that was the only reason I wanted to calm her down.
But deep inside, in the back of my mind, something was bothering me. Much more than the thought of ending up crying.
"… The truth is, I don't know what to say right now. Both to your answer and to console you. It makes me angry to have to admit it. I just want you to know that you're not late."
"Huh?" She sighed, wiping away her tears.
"Even if it seems like a short time to you, it was certainly enough for her, even if she wasn't able to see it in the first place. For that, I'm grateful. And if you blame yourself for it, despite having only recently met her, that makes me somewhat happy. I can't understand how someone could care so much about someone they don't know. That's why, even though I don't understand it, I want to thank you."
It's ironic.
"But…"
"The other part about you blaming yourself worries me, and for that, I only have one thing to say…" I'm a clown. "If I, as her brother, couldn't prevent it, it's not your fault that you couldn't do anything…"
"Prevent it?"
"She…" Was it the right thing to say? No one will blame me after I say it, right? "No. It's not a big deal. I just… I just want you to know it's not your fault." In the end, I chickened out, I chickened out. I ran away.
We didn't say anything else on the subject; I guess neither of us needed to say anything more at that point.
Suzune calmed down, I kept from breaking down, and we closed the conversation by leaving the place.
She wanted to avoid opening up to me, she fought to prevent it from happening, and when it did, she tried to keep me from seeing her like that. Whether out of shyness or because I didn't care, she turned away.
Those sweet, magical words that calm people in those kinds of situations only exist in fiction.
We just dropped the subject. She wiped her tears, I sighed, and we walked back to the temple entrance.
They were going to take her to the cemetery.