Always, the hardest part of anything is getting started.
It doesn't matter how hard I try after I start, because I'm never going to start in the first place.
I don't procrastinate, I just don't. I always avoid it. And I never think about doing it.
And if for some reason I try to start, I hesitate over whether I want to or should. It's like shooting.
It's an action that triggers all progress, whether it's good or bad. But I always focus only on the latter.
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Whenever things go well, I think it's just luck. But when things go wrong, I blame myself for doing it, saying I was right from the start.
Is that why it took me so long to make friends? I had to wait for them to approach me. I never sought them out myself. I was just lucky.
I wasn't the one who made the effort. Waiting is the same as doing nothing, so what you end up doing is the same as doing nothing. You neither take away nor give.
"That way I can avoid getting worse, right? If there's no change, no evil will come after me." That's what I'd say if time didn't exist.
Just because your poor soul can't move forward doesn't mean there are people just as miserable as you. People move forward. It's normal.
Does that mean leaving your old self and your past experiences behind? Yes.
You learn from what you live, and you live from what you learn. But you don't live with what you've lived. You can't be two things at the same time; it's impossible.
Maybe that's another reason why I never decided to act. I never learned how to do it, and I never wanted to get close to anyone. I thought what I had was enough.
And now that I have them, I feel alone.
I've never felt so close to them, but I've never felt so distant either. I've talked to them, met with them, and I still hesitate to call them friends.
What's a friend, in the first place? Someone you hang out with just to hang out? Someone you can trust? Someone who will always have your back? Isn't that a bit of a perfect idea?
Friends don't usually make it past the first question. I don't trust them enough to show them who I really am. They're not people I'd lean on all the time.
I've already been left out once. Not all of them, just one. But that's enough.
I couldn't take it anymore. It was stressing me out. And he left before any of that started. I didn't want to deal with it.
He just ran away, he's gone. He left me alone.
Am I a burden? Did you think I could handle everything on my own?
Even though we're both weak, we could have fixed it. At least you understood what was happening.
My mistake was trying to act on my own.
The task was too much for me. It was much more than I could bear, so I exploded. I was tired of hearing that tone of disappointment and anger from people.
I knew I wasn't the one who should have done it, but I wanted to try. I didn't want to feel useless.
For once in my life, I didn't want to depend on anyone, much less him.
I still have that image in my head. I always see it, whether I want to or not.
It makes me remember what happened the day before.
He told me something stupid, a reflex action born of his concern. It was pure. I could have asked after the meeting. I could have talked, helped, but I decided not to, and I trusted that it was nothing.
I dismissed it as absurd. 'Everyone has their problems, but such drastic things only happen in TV shows,' I thought.
I know she wasn't having a good month. She seemed worried, but I assumed she was fine.
If so, shouldn't I finish what I started?
I spend my days running away from everything. I do nothing but ask, and then I'm not capable of doing anything. I'm just going to be a burden on everyone else.
They must be having a bad time, all for one thing.
And I am responsible for it.
I should have invited her. She needed to. She'd always said she wanted to go, but then kept saying she'd just be in the way.
I accepted it. I didn't try to refute it. I didn't try to convince her in any way. I tried to respect what was little more than a false and forced opinion.
I focused solely on my well-being. I thought that since she continued to live like this, she'd gotten used to it, but I was hurting her. Both when I went to see her to annoy her, or to vent; both when I went with my friends, to get her out, or just to see her a little.
She should have been the one with friends, not me.
I could have been perfectly fine alone. She wanted friends, but life offered her nothing. And I decided to accept the role that wasn't mine.
I don't need them at all. They're just a whim, a hobby.
I take advantage of them the same way I took advantage of her.
I act like an innocent person, like a victim, but I'm a fucking heartless monster. I'm a psychopath.
I think I'm the only unfortunate person in the world, when there are thousands of people who suffer more than me.
I don't even have the right to complain.
I always want everything to stay the same. Not because I want everyone to remain equally happy, I just want to preserve my own happiness.
I only think about myself. I've never been empathetic, I've never put myself in someone else's shoes. When I apologize, I don't do it because I truly mean it, but because 'it's the right thing to do.'
How can people think well of me? If only they really knew me, they'd understand me perfectly. That's impossible, isn't it?
No one can know who you really are. You are the only person you can count on, and you are the only person who can judge you.
Is that why I feel alone? Is that why I can't stop crying every time I think about it?
If they're not going to know who I am, why should I know them in the first place? It's just another whim, another leisure activity. They're valuable because if I lose them, I'll be without that leisure activity. They're thinking material, reasoning material, feeling material.
The worst thing of all is keeping them, satisfying them. They may be useful to you, but if you're not useful to them, they'll discard you like a dirty rag.
The slightest argument can destroy everything. In the end, it's a truly fragile thing, worthless. And yet, it hurts to lose a relationship, no matter how fragile it may be.
That's why I'd rather lose them before anything else happens, before I hurt them. I'm going to leave them alone. They don't need me. I don't need them at all, either.
There's no way I can look them in the face anyway.
I shouldn't have had friends in the first place.