I couldn't sleep. It was because of the anxiety, the fear, and how nervous I was all night. Plus, when I started thinking about whose funeral it was, it only stressed me out even more, and I felt like, every time I thought about it, individual memories would randomly replay in my head.
I don't know if the things I imagined actually happened or not. Almost everything about my childhood is a blur.
And when I finally fell asleep, when the voices and images ceased, I didn't dream anything.
I couldn't wake up on my own at the funeral. It was early in the morning, so we had to get up early. My father was the one who woke me up.
Until I left the house, I had a slight headache. I suppose it was because I'd slept so poorly, or maybe it was a warning to stay home.
Now that I think about it, in all that time I never thought about avoiding leaving home. My father never told me I had to go, although if I used that same logic, he never told me I could stay home either.
I skipped breakfast, I went straight to the shower, avoiding my irrelevant habit of showering with music on, and then putting on my suit.
It fit me perfectly. I didn't care at all if it looked good on me, it even made me angry. It was as if I was determined that I would have to wear it one day.
And as long as it fit me, I'm talking about size, not looks. I didn't like how I looked in the suit. It looked like a badly done cosplay, and I couldn't be taken seriously with my hairstyle and dark circles. It wasn't messy; I had my usual hairstyle. For a guy, I have long hair. At least, almost everyone in my class has it shorter than me.
I don't think I need to explain why dark circles look bad on me.
My father spent a lot of money on the ceremony. The funeral was held at the city temple, and it's one of those funerals where a ritual is performed for the deceased.
To be honest, I don't know what a funeral is like. Since I didn't attend my grandmother's, I don't know what it consists of, or what is done and what isn't done. Although what isn't done should be clear.
The entire walk was awkward and slightly tense. My father and I didn't speak during the 20 minutes we had to walk.
I don't see it as a bad thing, I think it's better if we don't say anything to each other, since I can assume there's nothing important to clarify, at least on his part, since I still haven't told anyone about the computer.
Should I seize the moment and say it? I don't see myself capable of doing it. Am
I really going to be the obligated spokesperson to say that those notes exist?
If I can't even apologize for what happened, how can I say that without hesitation?
As time passed, we arrived. There were already people there, waiting for us. Not many, of course; it was still too early.
Aside from my grandparents on my father's side and my father, I don't know almost anyone in the family, just a cousin who's younger than me. I don't know if he'll come. And even though I say I know him, I don't even remember his name. Almost no one in my family is relevant to me.
The people who were waiting soon came to talk to my father and to lament what had happened.
I tried to distance myself from that group that had formed, but it was useless. There was always someone who had to say, "I'm sure he's having a bad time," or "And he has to go through this when he's so young," as if he were a kid.
The life of the party hadn't even arrived yet and I was already wondering if it had really been a good idea to go.
The more time passed, the more people arrived, people I didn't know at all. They were all older, and almost all of them seemed to be immediate family, either on my father's or my mother's side. Speaking of which, they deigned to show up sooner than I thought.
My father seemed nervous, but, maintaining his composure, he decided to talk to her. We haven't spoken to her since she left home.
I didn't hear anything they said, I was sitting on the steps of the temple, and they were near the stairs, near the Tori at the entrance.
My mother looked just as uncomfortable as my father, but they were both equally worried and, in a way, upset. I hope it's because of the funeral and not because they'll have to see each other again.
When they finished talking, my father pointed to where he was, and my mother looked at me. I could see her face completely.
Nothing had changed. Maybe he even looked a little better than before. Is he happier now that he's freed from this shitty family? You're the only one who doesn't deserve it.
What surprised me was that she was alone. I expected her to come with a man, especially her new husband, but that wasn't the case. Maybe she decided to come alone on her own.
Despite seeing me from a distance and making eye contact for a few seconds, she didn't come over to say anything. She just went to talk to other people there.
No other important family members came, and it angered me that only relatives came. I still don't understand how someone like her deserved to be alone.
While I was thinking that, someone else arrived.
She was wearing the black dress you'd expect at a funeral. She was a girl of average height, maybe a bit more, like 167cm, give or take, with an apathetic yet tired look on her black eyes, that looked at me through her glasses. She had a slim build, a long, black hair, and quite of a menacing look. Not to say she was ugly, but she seemed excessively cold...
Was she a long-lost cousin or something? I thought. As strange as it sounds, I had nothing to do, so I just watched her, discreetly, of course.
She came alone, so it would be strange. Although maybe she's coming late and is now meeting her parents, or whoever else is coming. I wasn't comfortable with that assumption, so I decided to watch her a little more.
He seemed to be searching for someone in the crowd, getting closer and closer to the temple, and apparently, he eventually found the person he was supposed to meet.
" Excuse me, you are ^[Ç+'s brother, right?" the girl in front of me asked me, with a monotonous and neutral tone that tried to hide her doubt.
How direct… And wait a minute, why are you talking to me?!
"…And you are?" I replied in a heavier tone than usual, with a hint of uncertainty.
"Yes," Hearing my question, she took a step back, then bowed slightly to me.
"I'm Suzune Aitsuki, a…" after hesitating for a moment, she finished her introduction, "…a classmate of your sister."
A classmate? But who—? After thinking about it for a while, I got an idea of who it could be.
"Are you the bookseller?!" I said in surprise, although in a slightly low tone.
"Bookseller?"She had a confused and surprised expression, both because of my surprise and because of what I had said.
Shit…
"No, no. It's nothing…" The name I was thinking of escaped me for a moment. Logically, she was the only one who could have come here, though I'm still surprised she actually came.
There was a brief silence after that. More than anything, it seemed as if Suzune was thinking about something…
"…It's the first time someone's ever called me a nickname… More such a silly one..." She broke the silence, her voice calmer, and perhaps even a little happier. A faint smile appeared on her face, though it held a bitter tone. "Has he told you about me?"
"Uh, well, sort of." I replied, embarrassed.
"And to think she called me that… I'm sure all I did was upset her... *Sigh*, anyway, as long as you call me Suzune." She did seem a bit upset about it, but not mad or anything.
I did fuck up big time. Wholesome first impression, asshole.
"Yeah…"
After a brief pause, I joined in as well.
"My name is Riku :2!";_¨`*. "
"Nice to meet you." She still had a mostly neutral demeanor, but that somehow kind, yet sour tone lingered over her like a plague.
"No need to be so formal…" She was bowing slightly, her right hand straight, raised in my direction, offering me a handshake.
"It's the custom."
" Well…" As I sat down, I shook his hand. Then, I tried to make the situation less awkward for myself. "I didn't expect someone who wasn't part of the family to come."
"Aside from offering my condolences, I came to apologize to everyone, and especially to you."
" Why?"
"... I'm sorry she left with that bad taste in his mouth from my class." The bitterness in her voice changed to a mix of concern and regret.
Now that I realize it, if she came here, doesn't that mean the whole district knows about it? Or not, maybe she just knows because I was in the same class as her. I hope that's it.
Before answering, I clenched my right fist to calm myself.
"It's not entirely your fault, they messed with her, and…" fuck… my tongue can slip that easily?
"Did she tell you that, too?" Suzune replied, displaying that worried tone she'd tried so hard to hide with a hint of regret.
"Y-yes…" Obviously, I had to lie about that. After that statement, she sat down next to me without warning.
"Your sister trusted you a lot." She stared ahead at the crowd, a little disappointed. I was stunned.
I didn't answer at all; I never would. But I knew perfectly well that was a lie. The moment I heard what she said, everything began to take on a faint white glow.
"You never let her trust you." "You're nothing but a fraud." "Everyone's image of you is false."
My mind sank into that sea of guilt, into that static-filled mud.
Only a voice other than hers could get me out of there.
"Doesn't it seem strange to you that I came?"
"Huh?"
"I'm certainly not someone close to her in the first place, and…"
Waiting for an answer, she remained silent for a moment. Shame took over my body for a moment, and I couldn't say anything.
"Is something wrong?"
"Y-yes… I don't think she considered you a stranger, at least."
" I just think I'm out of place here, don't you?"
"…I have no reason to think that's weird. Do you regret it?"
"No, it's just…" She rested her cheek on her hand, and we both stared ahead. There were way more people than I could have imagined. I knew practically no one, but it still calmed me a little to know that so many people had come to this, even if I didn't know who came out of spite and who out of obligation. Even someone from her own class came…
" Uh… Suzune…"
"…Yes?
Before I could respond, the temple door opened without warning. As it passed, everyone in the area turned their gaze to the temple. We pulled them up from the steps and stood aside. People began to file in, while I waited for my father.