My mother was practically talking to herself, talking about how silly she'd been as a child, in a rather cheerful and nostalgic way. The water pitcher and glasses that had been on the table before were gone. I assumed my father had taken them.
I didn't understand what had happened.
They are nothing more than a handful of meaningless words…
I wanted to convince myself that this was the case, but I felt they were right. I didn't want to live like this, and I wasn't going to. But what else can I do to...? No. I can forget about fixing this. It's impossible. I can't do anything. Not me, not anyone.
After dinner, my father let my mother sleep in his bedroom tonight, as there was a violent storm, and he didn't want to drive so late. I guess my father will have to sleep on the couch.
He'll start work in two days. I hope he can sleep. Although, before he went to sleep, with my mother already in bed...
knock knock
My father knocked on the door, and after telling him to come in, he opened the door.
"Riku."
"Tell me." I was looking at my phone, lying on my bed. I was staring at the phone screen, not knowing what to do.
"What was it you wanted to tell me this morning?" he asked calmly. I didn't feel like he was curious, but I wanted to know anyway.
"Ah… That…" I hesitated for a moment, but accepted that, sooner or later, he would figure it out on his own.
I left my phone on the bed, turned off, and got up. I turned on my computer and monitor, then sat down in the chair. "Come on, I need to show you this."
When the screen lit up, I entered the password and logged into the computer. The desktop was visible. It hadn't changed at all since I logged in. The background was pure black, and there was only one folder in the center of the screen labeled "OPEN ME."
Inside were almost all the documents I'd seen last time. The only thing that caught my attention was that, within that series of documents, there was one with the name 'Suzune' written on it. Yet another task.
"…" At first, my father didn't say anything. I wasn't looking at him either, so I don't know what face he made. After a while, he decided to speak.
"And to think I'd do something like that..." Her tone was clearly sad and pained, one could say she had a fragile and weak tone. Needless to say, the slight state of shock she was in upon seeing the folder.
It was the same folder, but there was only one document missing, and it was the only one I'd read. I didn't delete it; I saved it in a separate folder that isn't visible on the desktop. I don't know if that should be revealed or not. I'll leave it buried for now.
"Do you want me to let you read it alone?" I was asking him about reading his personal note; I was planning on leaving the room. He'd pretend he didn't know anything, but I'd know if he'd cried or not by his eyes. Although sometimes it's better to pretend not to know.
"...If it's not too much trouble, I'd like you to let me." He didn't say it in an arrogant way at all. It seemed as if he were imploring me. I didn't hesitate to get up from the chair, let him sit in it, and leave the room, closing the door behind me.
I waited for him to finish in the living room.
The whole time I was there, I took the opportunity to talk to Izumi. I haven't spoken to her in a while, and she hasn't written to me either.
More than talking, what I did was try to start a conversation with her. I hoped that by sharing at least one thing, especially since it was my favorite show, a topic of conversation would come up easily, but in the end, we didn't talk about anything.
From what you've told me, there are a lot of things we both like, both in anime and video games. I'll simply be incapable of having a conversation with anyone. I'm always the one answering, never the one talking. It's annoying to be so useless.
After a while, my father came down to the living room to let me know he had the room free. I kept looking down the whole time, so I don't know what his face looked like at the time.
It's a habit I had, since I stopped doing it at the beginning of this year, and it was ^[Ç+? who was pestering me to stop doing it.
She spent a week trying to convince me out of nowhere to stop doing it. As far as I know, I've been doing it for as long as I can remember, but according to her, I'd been doing it for a year, and she thought that whenever I was like this, I felt sad or lonely. I have no idea what was going through her head at that moment. Well, not at that moment, or at any other.
I guess my father didn't look at any documents other than his own, since he wasn't in his room for long. All I remember when he came down to the living room is that he was surprised I was down there. He thought I was probably sleeping in my room.
Thanks to that, I remembered I had my own room in the first place. For the past four days, I've been in his room, even wearing his clothes. I'm even wearing his clothes right now…
I'm sick…
Whether it was remorse or anger that made me behave like this, I was going to stop. They aren't my clothes. I'll only keep them if my dad wants to clean the room. I have no idea what we'll do with them. At the very least, we could sell the things we don't want to wear, or that we don't want to keep.
We'll probably have the altar in his room. I think it's the best option, although my father might want to do it in the living room. In the end, it's just a piece of furniture with flowers, incense, and a photo of him. What matters is the intention, and as long as it's in a decent place, it's fine.
And, thinking about photos, I remembered I had to transfer all the photos from my phone and hers to my computer. If she didn't change her phone's password, I should be able to recover whatever's on there.
I didn't do anything else that night. I didn't talk to Izumi anymore, because I didn't know what to talk about. Whenever I stopped writing, the conversation ended. I don't blame her. If she's like me, it wouldn't make sense for her to do it.
It's not like I have anything to do, since I'm not going to school, and I don't know if there are any assignments or exams.
I should go…
I guess everyone knows what happened. Since Suzune went to the funeral, everyone at her high school would have heard, and word might have spread from there. There are a lot of people who have older siblings at that high school, so I wouldn't be surprised if word got back to my middle school.
Tomorrow I'll tell my father I want to go. I don't think I'm ready, but I can't be sure if I don't go.
I hope no one knows anything. I don't want anyone to approach me. I don't want to be comforted. A "sorry" from someone who doesn't even know me seems more like a mockery.
No, I know it's going to be okay. If I've been through this, the rest is nothing.
So, I decided. I was planning to go to class tomorrow.