(By Kade — philosopher, professional overthinker, and survivor of one (1) cat named Lucipoloen.)
Introduction: How I Got Here (Against My Will)
They told me, "Get a pet! It'll reduce stress!"
What they didn't tell me was that it would also reduce my bank account, sleep schedule, and emotional stability.
See, pets are marketed as therapy. But in reality?
They're furry little con artists running unpaid internships in chaos.
If you're a pet owner and you think I'm exaggerating… check your couch.
Yes, the one your dog "never touches."
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The Great Pet Propaganda Machine
Let's be honest — social media is lying to you.
You see those perfect videos of golden retrievers doing yoga or cats peacefully napping in hammocks?
Lies. Edited lies.
What you don't see is the five minutes before that clip , where the dog ate a remote and the cat tried to murder its owner's ankle for existing.
Pets have better PR than most politicians.
They can vomit on your laptop, destroy your curtains, and still somehow trend on TikTok as "cute little gremlin just being silly."
If a human did half the things a pet does, they'd be in jail.
But because it's a fluffy creature with big eyes, we say, "Awww, he's just expressing himself."
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Dogs: The Overly Enthusiastic Freeloaders
Dogs are like that one friend who's fun for an hour but exhausting after a day.
They love you. Too much.
They'll follow you everywhere— bathroom included like emotional detectives.
"Oh, you're going to the kitchen?" they ask with their eyes.
"Cool. I'll come too. Just in case you die in there."
You can't eat, nap, or exist without your dog making it a group activity.
And don't get me started on walk time.
Dogs don't walk. They drag you across the earth like a broken kite.
Meanwhile, they sniff every inch of the street like they're solving a cold case.
But the real betrayal? The barking.
They bark at everything.
Mailman? Bark.
Plastic bag? Bark.
Their own reflection? Existential bark.
Dogs: proof that love can be unconditional, loud, and occasionally pee on your rug.
*******
Cats: The Tiny Dictators We Worship
Cats are not pets. They are landlords.
They let you live in their house rent-free, out of pity.
You buy them toys? They play with the box.
You feed them gourmet food? They stare at it like you served prison slop.
You show them love? They blink once and walk away like, "Pathetic."
And yet you keep loving them. Why?
Because cats are emotional riddles wrapped in fur.
They scratch you, ignore you, sit on your laptop during deadlines… and you still whisper,
"She's my baby."
If your romantic partner treated you like your cat does, your friends would stage an intervention.
But cats have mastered psychological warfare.
They withhold affection just enough to keep you hooked.
It's toxic relationship energy but with purring.
*******
Birds: The Flying Alarm Clocks of Regret
Whoever said "birdsong is peaceful" has never owned a parrot.
Parrots don't sing. They scream.
At 6 a.m.
At 9 p.m.
At random intervals during your Zoom meeting.
And the worst part? They mimic voices.
I once heard a parrot scream "Dinner's ready!" and I ran to the kitchen only to find no one there….i was gaslit by a bird.
They also live forever.
A dog lives 12 years. A cat, maybe 15.
A parrot? 60.
That's not a pet that's a roommate with commitment issues.
If reincarnation is real, I'm convinced annoying coworkers come back as parrots just to keep talking.
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Fish: The False Promise of Simplicity
"Get a fish," they said. "They're easy to care for."
LIES.
Owning fish is like managing a miniature underwater empire.
You become a part-time chemist overnight measuring pH levels, checking filters, adjusting lighting like a marine engineer with insomnia.
And the fish? They don't even notice.
You spend hours cleaning their tank, and they just stare at you like, "Dance for me, human."
The worst moment comes when one dies.
You mourn. You flush. You cry.
Then two days later, you realize the other fish ate him.
Fish are cute until you realize you've basically built an aquatic Game of Thrones.
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Exotic Pets: Because Regular Stress Wasn't Enough
There's a special breed of human who says,
"Hmm, a dog's too basic. Let me get a python."
Why? Why bring a reptile into your home like it's not one bad mood away from reenacting a nature documentary?
I met someone who owned a tarantula.
I asked, "What's its name?"
They said, "Greg."
Greg. The spider.
Every time it moved, my soul left my body.
And yet they said, "He's harmless."
Sir, he has eight legs. Nothing harmless has eight legs.
If you own an exotic pet, you're not caring for it you're negotiating a ceasefire.
And i blame you for it.
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The Financial Burden (a.k.a. Goodbye, Savings)
Pets are expensive.
They don't pay rent, contribute to bills, or even pretend to help.
You work 9 to 5 to afford their gourmet food, plush beds, and emergency vet visits that cost more than your car.
I once took my cat to the vet because she sneezed.
The bill: $180.
Diagnosis: "She's fine."
Pets are the only creatures who can ruin your finances and your furniture simultaneously.
At this point, I think pet insurance should come with emotional counseling.
*******
The Emotional Blackmailers
Here's the thing: you can't stay mad at them.
No matter how much chaos they cause, they give you that look.
You know the one. The "I'm sorry, please love me forever" look.
Your anger melts. You end up apologizing to them.
They pee on the rug, and you're like, "It's okay, baby, I shouldn't have bought a rug."
Pets manipulate you with affection.
They're adorable little criminals.
If pets ever evolve thumbs, humanity's done. They already control our emotions. Opposable thumbs are just the final step.
*******
The Existential Truth: We're the Real Pets
Let's face it, we think we own pets. But really, they own us.
We feed them, clean for them, give them attention, talk to them like they're royalty…and what do they do?
Sleep 18 hours a day.
We literally plan our social lives around them.
"I can't go out tonight. My cat will get lonely."
What are we doing.
Every pet owner thinks they're the boss, but deep down we all know we're just well-trained humans.
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Despite It All... We Love Them
Here's the stupid, infuriating truth:
Despite the chaos, the hair, the noise, the financial ruin? we still love them.
Because pets do something humans rarely manage, they give pure love.
No hidden motive. No judgment. Just you and them against the world.
When your day collapses, your dog's tail still wags.
When you feel invisible, your cat curls up on you, pretending not to care, but secretly doing exactly that.
They break things, yes.
They drive us mad, yes.
But they also make the world feel… softer.
I roast them, but truth be told, I'd rather live with a messy, chaotic, ridiculous animal that loves me… than a clean house that doesn't.
******
Final Thoughts: Who's a Good Human?
Owning a pet is like signing a lifelong contract that says:
"I agree to love this weird creature unconditionally, despite every terrible decision it makes."
And somehow, that's worth it.
They make us better people, patient, gentle, forgiving.
They remind us to play, to nap, to live in the moment.
They teach us that love doesn't have to be perfect to be real.
So yes, pets are worse than humans.
But thank God they are.
Because in a world full of people pretending to be nice, it's refreshing to have something that loves you honestly… even while chewing your slippers.
End of Complaints.
"Pets….
Respect them, fear them, and never let them eat your sandwich. Subscribe, like, and pray for me tomorrow.
Because tomorrow… who knows? Maybe Germany. Maybe the moon. Definitely no more pets."
Kade puts down his pen, sighs, and mutters:
"Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go apologize to my cat Napoleon, for writing shit"