"I Visited Germany"
[Intro music plays — upbeat lo-fi with someone yelling "BROOOO" faintly in the background. Camera shakes. Kade appears in frame wearing a black hoodie, eyes wide like he just saw rent prices]
"Alright, listen up comrades. I'm in Germany.
Germany. Deutschland. The land where the trains arrive on time, the people are allergic to jaywalking, and bread could literally end a man's life.
You don't understand— I've been here for three days and I already aged spiritually.
Camera zooms in dramatically.
First of all… who designed the German language?
Why does "butterfly" sound like an ancient spell that could summon thunder?
"SCHMETTERLING." Bro, that's not a
butterfly, that's a dragon with student loans!
And I love how every German word sounds like it's trying to discipline you. I asked for water— Wasser— and the waiter looked at me like I just confessed to a crime.
*****
"The Mission — Don't Get Deported"
[Cut to Kade sitting on the bed, holding a passport]
"So, here's the deal.
Before coming here, I was like, "Kade, this is easy. You'll fly in, eat a pretzel, maybe take a picture of a castle, boom— international man of culture"
LIES.
Germany humbled me in 0.5 seconds.
First thing that happened: the airport officer.
This man looked at my passport like it owed him child support. He asked me, "Why are you here?"
And me, being me, said, "Tourism and… enlightenment"
Bro blinked once. Then said, "Do you have any sausages?"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT, SIR?
Then there's the trains.
Oh my sweet ancestors.
German trains run like they're powered by divine precision.
I missed my first train by twelve seconds.
You know what happened? The next one arrived exactly twelve minutes later. Like a prophecy.
Even the wind here feels punctual. It blew my hat off and the breeze came back on time to return it.
And don't even get me started on crosswalks.
I saw a man wait five minutes in silence at an empty street because the red light said "stop".
Meanwhile me? I took one step across just one—and suddenly three old ladies gasped in synchronized horror.
Like I just committed treason against civilization.
*****
"The Land Where Rules Have Rules"
[Kade now in the kitchen, holding a pretzel like it's evidence.]
So here's what I learned: Germany is the world capital of organization.
Everything has a system. Even trash.
There are bins for paper, plastic, glass, and then this one mysterious bin for "what remains." Bro, what remains of what? My dignity?
The people are polite but terrifyingly efficient.
You'll say, "Good morning," and they'll reply, "Yes, it is"
I once asked for directions and this man pulled out a folded city map, measured distance with his finger, then said, "Seven minutes, forty-two seconds if you walk"
WHAT KIND OF NPC UPDATE IS THAT?!
But the wildest thing? Nobody shouts.
In Germany, silence is sacred. I sneezed on a train and eight people looked up like I just insulted Beethoven.
And yet… it's kinda beautiful. Everything runs so smoothly.
Like the entire country has been on the same Wi-Fi since 1800.
Even when it rains, it rains… efficiently.
Raindrops fall in rows.
I swear, if you drop your wallet, someone will pick it up, sanitize it, and deliver it to your hotel with a note saying, "You dropped this, Kade"
*******
"Food, Friends, and the Bratwurst War"
[Camera cuts to Kade at a table, surrounded by German snacks and looking deeply betrayed]
Okay. So, let's talk food.
I thought I could handle it. I was wrong.
German bread? Built different.
That thing could survive a nuclear winter.
You don't bite it— it bites you. I tried to make a sandwich, and my jaw filed for retirement.
Then there's the sausage. Bratwurst.
Sounds innocent. But I pronounced it wrong. I said, "Brat-woorst"
Every local within a 5-mile radius looked at me like I just cursed in ancient Latin.
One lady corrected me gently: "It's Brat-vuhst."
Then smiled like she'd just saved my soul.
Also—fun fact: German portion sizes are not "normal"
They're quests.
One meal feels like the final boss of a video game.
And yet, the people here are fit.
Probably because walking to the bathroom involves three trains, two buses, and one motivational speech.
Now, I met a few locals. Bro… German humor is legendary.
They don't laugh often, but when they do, it's like thunder rolling over the Alps.
One guy told me: "In Germany, we don't tell jokes. We tell truths that sound funny"
That man has never met my tax collector.
"The Heart of Germany"
[Cut to Kade standing by the window, evening light pouring in. He looks genuinely thoughtful]
Alright, jokes aside— Germany surprised me.
You expect cold people and strict rules, but what I found was quiet kindness.
The kind that doesn't scream, it shows.
Like the barista who noticed I was lost and drew me a mini map on my cup.
Or the old man who helped me carry groceries because he said, "You remind me of my grandson… if my grandson had no balance".
I walked through Berlin one night— lights glowing, people talking softly, everything calm.
And I realized… this place feels steady.
Not perfect. Just… balanced.
Back home, chaos is my ecosystem.
Here? Even chaos has manners.
Germany is like that friend who silently fixes your life while pretending they don't care.
You trip, they hand you a pretzel, and say, "Walk properly next time."
**********
"Dear Germany…"
[Camera pans closer. Kade smiles tiredly, sincerity slipping through the humor]
Dear Germany,
Thank you.
You didn't just flex your efficiency you flexed your humanity.
You showed me a world that runs on discipline but breathes warmth.
You taught me that silence doesn't mean coldness, and that order isn't the opposite of fun.
And to every German watching this;
Danke.
For the laughter, the food, and the polite judgmental stares every time I jaywalked.
You made me feel at home… even when I had no idea what Schmetterling meant.
And maybe, just maybe, I needed this trip to realize that sometimes peace isn't boring— it's powerful.
[Kade pauses. A soft grin]
Also… to the lady who corrected my sausage pronunciation…
You're my hero.
Alright, comrades. That's my storytime-slash-survival-guide about Germany.
If you're from here, I love you.
If you're not? Go visit, just don't try to cross the road when it's red.
Because apparently… in Germany, disobedience is not cute.
I'll see you in the next one. Peace, pretzels, and punctual trains.
Kade out.
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