The flowers were so vibrant and crimson and terrible, it was hard to look away from them, even though they reeked of decomposing tissue moldering away in sewer water. He thought if he breathed in through his mouth, it would all make sense, but that was too much for him to ask for. His mind did not clear at all. There was something rattling inside his skull.
"Hide…" The flowers were whispering. Choking on words. On blood. They whispered. He held his head, and he trekked forward, feeling his boots crush the spidery limbs of the vibrant crimson flowers, terrible as they were, beautiful as they were, terrible as they were. He felt overwhelmed.
Hide's rotted skin became porous. It stretched thin and gray over the contours of his skull.
"You look rough, dude," he said, gesturing his bloated fingers at the unstitched seam that had burst across the concave marble of Kaneki's belly. Blood was not so much pouring out as it was dribbling and quick rivulets down the slide of his abdomen, lines tracing from his navel down to his pelvis.
"I…" Kaneki fell to his knees, sinking into the warm, wet flowers and feeling bile wash upon his tongue. The smell was growing worse. "Why…? Hide. Why did you…?"
"We do what we have to," Hide whispered. The leathery skin of his decomposed face began to unravel into thin gray vines. Kaneki watched bulbs form upon the thorny stem, looping through Hide's matted blonde hair. "Don't be so glum."
Kaneki held his head. There was something squirming inside it, and he wanted to cut it off, cut off his whole head and let it loll in his trembling, discolored fingers.
"Somebody," he choked, "please… let me out of this hell…"
"What hell?" Hide's face was a patchwork of sickly skin and blooming flowers. He opened his mouth, and his laughter smelled like the rotten aroma the wafted from the spider lilies crushed beneath Kaneki's feet. "This is your life. This is the life you chose. Why? Kaneki, you knew. You knew how foolish it was to live. You knew that your life was just a faulty experiment! Why did you keep fighting?"
"I never wanted this!" he cried, staring into Hide's lone eye. It was cloudy. Gauzy with the sweet fog of death. Kaneki's reflection teetered in the swampy brown glass. His face was slim with malnourishment, his lips cracked and caked with blood, his eyes big and black and hollow, purple bruises sinking into his skull, and his hair was ratty and thin and white as snow.
"I guess not." Hide reached out, his skeleton fingers raking through Kaneki's hair. Kaneki's vision swam with fog. "But this was the lot you drew. You could've chosen to cast yourself off into the ether, but no, you did not, and why not? I don't get it. You hate living."
"Wrong," Kaneki mumbled.
"You hate this struggle, this battle of what if, why not, where is that razor, where is that belt, where did I put those pills, should I, shouldn't I, would it matter, would anyone ever care?" Hide's voice was bright and his foul breath hit Kaneki's face, blooming like the spider lilies crawling across his rotting face. "You live half your life stuck beneath a bell jar, and you'll spend the rest of it squirming beneath a knife. You glorified fucking worm."
"Wrong, wrong, wrong!" Kaneki couldn't even hear what Hide was saying beneath the uncomfortable shuffling inside his ear. He clawed at the skin of his earlobe, sticking his fingers into his ear canal and ripping the writhing centipede out with a pain filled gasp its many legs slicing into the tender skin and splashing blood down the side of his face. "Wrong… wrong… wrong…"
"Now, now, now," Hide laughed, laying a cold hand upon Kaneki's damp forehead. "Let's make amends. Repent, won't you?" Hide plucked the squirming centipede from Kaneki's fingers, holding it up before Kaneki's face. It thrashed and skittered, but it was no match for the death grip it was in. "Do it for me."
"I…" Kaneki's mouth was dry as he watched that awful, writhing monster click its pincers and turn and turn and turn.
"No, don't speak," Hide whispered. "Listen."
Kaneki listened.
The centipede made a revolting squishing noise as was cracked and clenched inside Hide's fist. Its legs twitched feebly, dancing madly as it tried to hang on to maybe a second, a millisecond more of life. It fell into the spider lilies, lying amongst the rest of the dead in its curled up, misshapen way.
"Was that wrong?" Hide asked.
Kaneki wavered. Was that wrong?
What was wrong?
"I don't know," he replied faintly.
"Tell me, then. Tell me what is wrong."
"I don't know!"
"Yes you do. Just say it. You know it. You do. Say it."
"I…" Kaneki stared up into his best friend's terrible, decomposed face, red flowers bursting from uneven, undone skin. Stitched along his cheek, popping out of his eye socket, crowning his forehead. The flowers were everywhere. "I am."
"Again."
"I am," he gasped.
"Again!"
"I am!" His teeth clenched, and suddenly Hide was gone, and his injuries had healed, and his mouth was watering from the sweet taste of blood that sloshed upon his tongue.
He found himself standing. A figure loomed before him, standing in the middle of the rotting flowerbed.
Death would cut him down.
"Arima… Kishou…" Kaneki's eyes were wide with terror. Death turned. Blood licked his cheek. It was not his own.
Did angels bleed?
Kaneki had never found out.
But he asked.
He asked anyway.
"Can you bleed?"
He took a step. The flowers did not part for him. The stench only worsened. And still he moved. He was in a stupor.
Death did not speak. How could he? He was death. Death could not have a voice, or else he would scream for all eternity. How wretched his job must be! Wretched like him. Beautiful like him. Everything was suddenly so very bitter in the face of something so singularly terrible and wonderful and horrifying.
"I wonder…" Kaneki tilted his head. "Do angels get struck down?"
Death held his sword. Resolute till the end, Kaneki supposed.
"If you were a ghoul," Kaneki said, his kagune twisting out of his back in corkscrews, "you'd probably demolish any competition and put the One Eyed Owl to shame."
Death lifted his sword.
"I know," Kaneki sighed. "I'm fine, calm down."
Death jumped.
"I can still fi—"
An explosion of pain loosened his brain and pushed him to expel a scream. His eye was gone gone gone and his body was stuck on a spike drilled through his skull and he couldn't think or think or think or think it was all too damn much and he didn't know or know or know, what…? What…?
The scream rattled and rocked and ripped him inside out, leaving him raw from the fluctuating pitch that clawed out his larynx.
IT'S GOING THROUGH MY HEAD IT'S GOING THROUGH MY HEAD IT'S GOING THROUGH MY HEAD IT'S GOING THROUGH MY HEAD IT'S GOING THROUGH MY HEAD IT'S GOING THROUGH MY HEAD IT'S GOING THROUGH MY HEAD IT'S GOING THROUGH MY HEAD IT'S GOING THROUGH MY HEAD IT'S GOING THROUGH MY HEAD IT'S GOING THROUGH MY HEAD IT'S GOING THROUGH MY HEAD IT'S GOING THROUGH MY HEAD IT'S GOING THROUGH MY HEAD IT'S GOING THROUGH MY HEAD IT'S GOING THROUGH MY HEAD IT'S GOING THROUGH MY HEAD
"It's going through my head!" Kaneki screamed, "It's going through my head!"
Something seemed to lift from him, a sheet that had been thrown over his head, and that allowed him to bolt upright, heaving deep gulps of air.
"It's going…!" he choked, tears wet in his eyes. "It's… through my…!"
Suddenly there were hands on his shoulders. He stared vacantly ahead of him, his vision swimming. As the world adjusted, it graced him with nothing but white. It made him sick. He knew he wasn't in heaven. How could he be? How could he have ever deluded himself that he'd be worthy of heaven?
"Kaneki!" The grip on his shoulders tightened. Kaneki had to blink a few times, but he managed to glance toward the source of the voice. It was a man. He was kneeling, his eyes wild with fear and confusion.
"My…" Kaneki uttered faintly, "head…"
"You're fine," Koutarou Amon said, pushing him gently back against a pillow. Kaneki was trying to puzzle out where he was.
The ceiling was white like the walls and like the sheets and it was nothing like heaven so fuck that, Kaneki wasn't dead or deluded, so it had to be a hospital, right, right, right? Right. Hospital.
"Not again…" he mumbled, covering his face with his hands. He massaged his eyelids. Yep, both eyes were still there.
"Does this happen… often…?" Amon had decidedly leaned back away from Kaneki when he removed his hands.
"What?" Kaneki pondered it. "No. I don't need to go to hospitals much anymore."
"Ah, no." Amon shook his head. "That's not what I meant. I meant the… nightmares. Kaneki, you were having a fit."
"Mm." He rubbed his stomach absently. "What else is new?"
"It's very troubling!" Amon's fists clenched against the cot, his thick eyebrows furrowing. "You are clearly having a violent reaction to something you must have— seen or experienced or fear. Night terrors are not something you should take lightly!"
"It was just a nightmare, Amon," Kaneki said, rising himself onto his elbows and peering up at the man with large eyes. "Nightmares are easy. They end."
"Not always," Amon remarked softly.
Kaneki sat up with a groan, holding his stomach as he went. It ached for some reason.
"Um, Amon…?" He threw the man a sheepish smile. "What happened to me?"
"Do you not remember?" Amon blinked rapidly. "You fought a ghoul, Nishio Nishiki. He attacked and severely injured you. We brought you to immediate medical attention."
"Ah." Kaneki's shoulders loosened. Nishiki. He wondered how his friend was fairing. If he'd made it to Anteiku or not. He was scared. He didn't want to know, really, but part of him was struggling not to rip out that damn IV and run down to the coffee shop to check for himself. "So how long have I been here for?"
"Well… Probably about forty hours give or take—"
"What?" Kaneki gasped, jerking forward so fast he nearly ripped out his IV. "That's not—! I mean, I should've fully healed hours ago! Why am I still here? How did I even sleep for so long?"
"Calm down, calm down!" Amon waved his hands fervently, his eyes narrowing sternly. "This was merely a precaution. The CCG doesn't know your biology just yet, so we had no idea if the wound would heal normally. Additionally, you frighten us. It's difficult not to admit that, with the way Mado acted out the other day." Amon sighed. He was clearly still very upset with his partner over what had transpired, and Kaneki honestly found it rather touching. "So naturally you were given RC suppressants when you were brought here. Unfortunately, it slowed your healing process significantly and kept you in a very deep, trance-like sleep."
"RC suppressants…" Kaneki's hand flew to his eye before he could stop himself. Yamori had used such a thing on him once, twice, seven hundred, a thousand times backward.
"We use them on ghouls we don't intend on killing right away," Amon explained. Then, hastily, his eyes flashed away from Kaneki's face. He looked to be pausing to collect his thoughts. "That is not the case with you, I promise."
"Thanks." Kaneki dragged his fingers down his face, and he sighed. "For your sincerity, I guess…?" He shifted so he was sitting completely upright. "No offense, but… Amon, why are you here?"
Amon had settled into a chair leaning against the wall, his eyes cast out toward the window that spilled astonishingly bright light into the room, making the white walls and floors and sheets seem to radiate a soft glow. It was clearly mid-morning, probably eight or so.
"Truthfully," he said quietly, "I had no intention of staying here this long. But when I was leaving, I happened to see your friend, Nagachika, sleeping in the lobby."
"Hide is here?" Kaneki blurted, his mind reeling back to his dream, goosebumps springing along his arms. It was hard not to think about it, but he managed to push it out of his head.
Amon shook his head. Kaneki wondered how disappointed his face looked.
"The CCG were the only ones who could authorize who saw you," Amon said apologetically. "Even your doctors were CCG staff. Nagachika was not going to be permitted to visit you no matter how long he waited."
"So he's still waiting?" Kaneki found himself fumbling at the tape pressed to the crook of his elbow.
"Stop that!" Amon jerked out of his chair and reached over Kaneki, prying his hands away from the IV. "Nagachika isn't here. I woke him up and told him to go home. That it was useless to wait."
"But…" Kaneki felt so deflated. He watched Amon walk around the cot and thumbed a clamp on the tubing, inspecting it thoughtfully. He did not turn it, however.
"I told Nagachika I would stay with you until you woke up," Amon explained. He took Kaneki's arm, cautiously peeling the tape and something transparent back, away from the direction the needle seemed to be inserted. Kaneki stared at the man confusedly. Why was he doing this?
"You…" He watched Amon remove the intravenous catheter with enormous care, slow and sure as he inspected the end of the needle. "Amon, you can't have actually been here for forty hours."
"I didn't mind." Amon set the needle aside, snatching a small package of tissues from Kaneki's bedside table and ripping them open. He pressed one to the small bead of blood that had bubbled up where the needle had been removed. "Here, hold this."
Kaneki took over pressing the tissue to the excruciatingly small wound, finding this all to be rather pointless since it would just heal anyway. Amon had managed to find a box of band-aids though, and he sat down at the edge of Kaneki's bed.
"You didn't have to do that," Kaneki gasped, leaning forward with wild eyes. "Amon, I'm okay! I'm a ghoul, remember? I heal fast."
"I wasn't really worried about that." Amon shook his head, ripping the band-aid open. "I was assured very early on that you'd be fine."
"So why…?"
Amon removed the tissue and applied the band-aid nimbly, as if he'd been patching skinned knees and paper cuts all his life. He set Kaneki's arm down on the cot, and he looked at him. He offered a meager shrug.
"It's hard," he admitted, "waking up to an empty room."
He stood up and turned away. Kaneki held the bandaged elbow, staring after him and feeling somewhat small and feeble. Like this man had reduced him to a child. It's hard to be alone, Kaneki thought numbly, watching Amon move toward the door.
"I'll get you some water," he said without turning back. "You can still have water, right?"
"Y-yes…"
"Okay, great. I'll be right back."
Kaneki exhaled as the man left the room. He wasn't sure what had just happened. But Amon was right. It was hard waking up to an empty room. He must've known that Kaneki had no immediate family. No one but Hide. No one to care if he died. It was sad, and Amon knew it, or else he wouldn't have stayed.
But the way he'd said that… the way he'd looked, sounded, moved… it was as if Amon were speaking from experience.
This world is wrong.
Kaneki let himself lie back down and stare at the washed out white ceiling. Sunlight burnt his retinas, gleaming white specks floating on the edge of his vision. Amon had been so very right way back then, way in the future, way never to happen again.
The world was wrong, and hardly anyone wanted to fix that.
I do, he thought, squeezing his eyes shut. I do, I do.
Why was it so hard to do the right thing? What were the qualifications for a correct decision, and where could Kaneki find them? He was desperate. He wanted to do the right thing, the thing that would have positive effects on everyone involved, but he didn't think this world had anything positive to offer without dosing out negativity in response. It made him sick to think about.
Kaneki considered crawling out of bed and sneaking out of the hospital, but he didn't think it'd be fair to Amon. After all, almost two days of sitting by someone's side probably took a lot of dedication. The man's willpower was really admirable.
Amon did not return immediately, though. In fact, after about half an hour, Kaneki was half mad with worry. Getting a water didn't take this long. And Kaneki knew something was wrong, he just didn't want to act on that knowledge. Like maybe if he just avoided the facts it would all go away.
But Kaneki couldn't do that. Of course he couldn't do that.
He got out of bed, wobbling a little on his unused legs, and he took a deep breath. His stomach was cramping, but the pain was dull, probably ghosting the wound that had been there. He was confused, though. If his IV drip had been filled with RC suppressants, how had his stomach healed?
When he left the room, he felt as though he'd broken out of jail. He walked on the tips of his toes across the linoleum floor, the chill sending shivers up his spine. Morning sunshine spilled into the white hall through his room, long fingers of light crawling across the walls, and he focused his senses on the surrounding area, testing for footsteps, voices, or even just simply bodies that might be standing in Kaneki's way.
He followed the corridor to a turn, and then he stopped. He heard Amon's voice. He turned around, blinking into the eerie, empty white hall, and he felt that something was going to get him, coming to get him, that he'd made a mistake and he was going to pay for it with blood.
But nothing came.
Empty rooms and empty halls and the purity of white walls caused inexplicable psychological thrills.
I feel like I'm being hunted, he thought, his eyes roving around him, but there's no one here. I can't hear any heartbeats, or breathing, or sense anyone creeping up on me.
So it had to be all in his head.
Typical.
Just when Kaneki was convinced that he was in a deserted hospital, Amon appeared suddenly from around the corner. He didn't look surprised that Kaneki was out of bed, but he marched up to him and caught him by the bicep.
"I'm going to take you back to your apartment," he said without looking at Kaneki. His voice was hard.
"Did something just happen?" Kaneki wanted to shake his arm out of the man's grip, irritated that he was being dragged against his will, but he had a feeling Amon was right to do this.
"Not… really." Amon sighed. He looked really angry. "I signed all your papers, so you're free to go."
"Were you allowed to do that?" Kaneki asked incredulously.
Amon did not answer.
Kaneki began to realize what had happened.
Amon had stopped the RC suppressants. At some point during his ceaseless vigil, Amon had turned the roller clamp on the tubing so that the fluid would cease to run into Kaneki's veins. That allowed Kaneki to begin to actually heal, and once he'd healed sufficiently he'd jolted awake. And then Amon had taken him off the IV completely, without permission.
He'd effectively saved Kaneki from what could have been a medically induced coma.
Kaneki had to take a deep breath to keep himself from screaming.
He'd underestimated Amon. He'd truly had not understood how compassionate the man truly was.
Kaneki hugged his arms, glancing up at Amon's face as he stared forward, perfectly stoic.
"Hey, Amon," he said quietly, "thank you."
Amon glanced down at him in surprise. Kaneki met his gaze, his eyes wide and expressing his gratitude as best as they could. It made Amon smile. He clapped Kaneki on the top of the head, which made him yelp.
"Don't worry about it," he said, giving Kaneki a playful shove.
Sleep didn't come easy. And when it did, it came with a little thing they'd used to call CNS.
Chronic Nightmare Syndrome.
She sat in a bed of dead yellow grass, wearing a fluffy blue dress that ballooned around her knees. She was pouring coffee into a tray of teacups. She poured five cups.
"Is this enough?" she muttered to herself uncertainly. She counted. One, two, three, four, five. She spoke out loud. "One, two, three, four, five."
"Six."
A black rabbit had appeared at her side. He was small. Not really a rabbit at all. A black bunny! Yeah, a black bunny. He sat with a grumpy expression, his dark hair matted and dirty from burrowing holes in the earth. She wanted to make fun of him. Ha! Him! Rolling in the dirt! He hated getting dirty. But he also hated looking weak. Especially in front of her.
"No," she growled, "no, there're five. I counted."
"Six," the black bunny yawned, rolling his eyes. They mirrored her own. There was death and fury gleaming behind his bored expression. "You can't even count. Stupid sister."
"I counted, and there was five!" She was angry. Why was he even here? Stupid bunny! She could hear a watch around his neck ticking off the time they had left together, and it made her so fucking anxious. If he was gonna run, then he should fucking run! Leave her the hell alone!
She wouldn't follow.
She would never fucking follow.
"It's not my fault if you can't count."
"I can count, and you're wrong!" She gritted her teeth, her eyes flashing down to the tray of coffee. "See? One, two, three, four, five!" She pointed to each. One, two, three, four, five.
One was white. It was white and cold. Two was painted, crude little butterflies dancing around the rim. Three was black as coal. It was dusty. It hadn't been used in years. Four was cracked in half. It was made of stars, and black coffee pooled around the midnight shards. The fifth was shiny and new, made of black and white checkered tiles. They sat on her tray. She hated them all.
She loved them all.
"Six."
The bunny produced a green cup out from beneath his dusty black vest. Coffee sloshed around the brim.
"I never asked for a sixth," she hissed.
"You never asked for a fifth either." The bunny's ears twitched beneath his ratty hair. "You shouldn't even have the fourth. Why keep it around? It's broken to fuckin' pieces, and it was never any good to begin with."
"Shut up," she barked. She was tired of him bad mouthing something so precious to her. "Just go away! Go! I won't follow you this time."
"Good," he spat at her. He stood up, reaching into the steaming green cup, and as coffee overflowed from its porcelain rim, he withdrew a string. It dangled on the tip of his finger.
He tossed a crisp, dry white medical eyepatch at her feet, and he let the cup fall into the grass. She jerked forward, knocking over the dusty black cup as she caught the green teacup in her shaky fingers.
"Damn it," she gasped, cradling the cup in her lap. Something was wrong with it. She didn't know what. She was scared. She didn't know what to do! "You almost broke it, Ayato!"
"Can't break what's already broken," her brother sneered, plucking up his dusty teacup and thumbing a small crack that had appeared on its dull surface. She watched him. She felt a scream rising in her throat as his thumb applied pressure onto the crack. Stop, she thought dazedly. Please. Don't. Don't do this to me. Ayato. Ayato. Ayato…
She heard a spine-chilling crack and she watched in horror as he let the shattered remains of his teacup fall to the dead grass.
Touka woke up with a sharp intake of breath. Thorns were digging into her legs. A dream of a dream of a nightmare stuck to her heavy eyelids. She could feel her heart thundering in her chest. She listened. She held her breath to listen harder. Where was that rhythm? She'd memorized it. It was less of a rattle and more of a slow succession of puffing breaths. A soft rhythm. She knew it. She knew it by heart. But she could not hear it. So her heart thundered louder.
She bolted upright, panic flooding her as her eyelids peeled open and she glanced hastily around the dark, shadowy room.
"Ayato?" she gasped, pushing her hair out of one eye to get a better look at the lumpy bed across from hers.
It all came back to her in a flash.
Her stupid brother wasn't here.
He wasn't here.
She took a deep breath. Okay. Yeah. He wasn't here. Why did she even expect him to be here? It was laughable. Ayato had left so long ago, honestly, she sometimes forgot she even had a brother. Sometimes she felt like an only child.
But then she came back to her room and she saw the empty bed.
Ayato had made running away look so easy.
She flicked on her light and slapped her face gently.
"Wake up," she grumbled. She threw her legs over the side of her bed, pushing her blanket back and stretching her arms. "Stupid…"
When she checked her phone for the time, she realized it was nearly dawn. Well, she thought grimly, might as well stay awake. She walked over to the other bed and plucked a long sweater from the pile of clothes heaped onto it. She shrugged it on and left her room, treading carefully through the kitchenette and out her door. Migrating downstairs to make herself a proper cup of coffee wouldn't hurt anyone.
It relaxed her to prepare the coffee and make herself a cup. She was able to push her dream out of her mind. Soon she forgot what had even happened. She only knew that it had been about Ayato. That was all she really needed to know. She wanted nothing to do with it.
The coffee was good. It was bitter and strong. Just was she needed to get through a long ass day.
As she moved up the stairs, she heard voices murmuring somewhere down the hall. Now, that was something. Was the manager up already? Was something happening? Why hadn't she been woken up sooner, then? She lived here, she could participate in emergency Anteiku meetings. Jeez.
She held her coffee cup with both hands as she padded down the hall, shouldering open a cracked door. She leaned in the doorway as all conversations ceased, and Yoshimura, Irimi, and Koma all turned to look at her.
"Touka," Koma choked. He covered his surprise with a sharp laugh. "Oh man, Touka, what are you doing up so early?"
"Right back at you," she said, taking a sip from her cup. Irimi smirked, and she turned her face forward. Yoshimura was eying her with something like amusement, but she could never really tell. He might have been covering confusion. He too moved his eyes, and when Touka followed them, she realized what all the fuss was about.
"What the fuck is this?" she asked sharply.
"Now, Touka," Yoshimura scolded her gently. "Don't be rude."
There was a guy lying on his back, his side and shoulder stained deep crimson from blood. He'd cracked one eye open to glance at her. She realized she knew his face, and she sneered.
"You're the scumbag trying to snag Rize's territory," she recalled, watching him from behind the screen of steam rising from her cup.
"You keeping tabs on me or something…?" The man didn't sit up, but he did scowl at her. She didn't like him. Not one bit. "Sorry, doll face, but I'm spoken for."
"Tch." She scoffed into her coffee. "Disgusting."
"He doesn't sound like someone on his deathbed," Irimi remarked suddenly, turning to Yoshimura. "Maybe he doesn't need us after all?"
"Hey, it was a joke," the man hissed, wincing a bit as he sat up. "I'm sorry… I…" He fell back onto the couch and groaned.
"The damage done isn't by any means critical, Nishiki," Yoshimura said. "However, you will need a lot of rest and nutrition to get back to your full strength again. Until that time, you are more than welcome to stay here."
Touka's eyebrows shot up, but she didn't say anything. She knew better than to harp at Yoshimura about his charity. But honestly! This guy? He was literally just scum scraped off a shoe! He was gonna act like such a needy patient too, calling for water or meat, or something. Ugh. Was the day over yet? Touka took a great gulp of her coffee to keep herself from lashing out.
"Ah… thanks, old man." Nishiki sighed, and he gave a quick nod. "I'll get out of your hair soon. Promise."
"Take your time," Yoshimura told him genially. "There is a spare bed in Touka's room. As long as it's alright with her, of course."
Her blood was boiling. She had to keep it cool, though. Real cool. Subtle cool. Fucking cool.
"No," she said flatly, turning away.
"Aww, why not, Touka?" Koma teased. "Scared of a boy sleeping in your room?" He ended up grunting sharply in pain. Touka knew Irimi had probably clocked him, or elbowed him, or kicked him, or something satisfying like that. Served him right, honestly. Like a third rate ghoul like this Nishiki fucker could scare her.
"That bed is currently inhabited by a pile of clothes," she said, turning her head back to glare into the room. "I'd have to move it if he sleeps there."
"Touka," Yoshimura sighed.
"I'm being serious."
"I want you to tell me if this set up will make you uncomfortable," he said, standing up. "I can always set up a guest room."
She didn't want to admit defeat. If she did, if she admitted that she wasn't comfortable with some strange guy sleeping across from her for a few nights, Koma wouldn't let her hear the end of it. The things she did for her fucking street cred.
"No," she sighed, gripping her coffee cup tightly in both hands to keep from making a fist. "It's fine. But he stays on the other side of the room. And he gets dressed in the bathroom. It's bad enough I have to see his face, I can't imagine how ugly the rest of him is."
"Hey…" Nishiki growled, cracking one eye open.
"Fair enough." Yoshimura nodded to Koma and Irimi. "Why don't you two take him up to Touka's room? I'd like to fill her in on what she missed."
"You got it, boss," Koma murmured, rubbing his side. Irimi must have dealt a pretty nice blow. Touka moved aside, glowering at Nishiki as he hobbled past.
"Sit, Touka." The manager gestured to the seat Irimi had occupied. Touka's shoulders loosened, and she sighed, inching forward into the room and taking a seat. Yoshimura sat across from her. "I'm surprised you're up this early. You don't have a morning shift."
"No." She thumbed the rim of her cup. Something jolted in her head, something about a teacup, a thumb, crushing. Sadness. Ayato.
"A nightmare."
What a blunt statement. He made assumptions. He was right. How she hated that!
"I don't know," she mumbled, resting her cup against her knee. It was warm. A welcome warmth. "Maybe. Maybe not."
"You don't have to tell me." Yoshimura leaned back. "I'm just concerned. You've been doing so well with nightmares lately."
I just stopped talking about them, she thought glumly. They never actually went away. But she didn't say that. Who said stuff like that? So she merely hummed in agreement and sipped her coffee.
"I know this situation isn't ideal," he said, "but he has nowhere else to go. The CCG is hunting him."
"And he came here?" Touka choked, leaning forward sharply. "Sir! He could have led the doves right to us!"
"Unlikely," he said. His eyes were closed serenely. "Nishiki waited several hours before approaching Anteiku. He made certain he wasn't followed."
"That crazy bastard!" Touka huffed, and she looked away from the manager. "How'd he even know about us? Honestly, it's not like we advertise!"
"Ah." Yoshimura's eyes opened, and he cracked a vague smile. "That is the fascinating thing."
"Uh oh." Touka puffed out her cheeks and slid down into her seat. "Fascinating, huh? Sounds like trouble."
"More like an opportunity." Yoshimura shook his head. He seemed almost disbelieving. "Do you remember Kaneki Ken?"
"No," she answered reflexively. Of course after she thought about it, the name struck her. Yes, she remembered that dead boy walking. Rize had taken an interest in him. She'd already said her prayers for him, thinking about the lost potential of the life he'd never live, when he'd showed up at her back door and called her out on some shit. Man, that had pissed her off. Who the fuck did he think he was? Who gave him the right?
"He was here a few weeks ago," he reminded her, "asking for help. You were trying to turn him away, because he used to be human. Is that jogging anything?"
"Yes." She frowned. Okay, so that Kaneki kid was involved somehow. That… made things kind of weird. How was that kid even surviving on his own without any real experience in the ghoul world?
"Well Kaneki Ken decided to join the doves."
Touka looked at Yoshimura sharply. No way. What?
"Is he dense?" she gasped, tossing her coffee cup onto the table so she could jerk to her feet. "That— that idiot! He went to the doves? He's going to end up a heap of scraps on a lab table! And we can't bail him out, it's not even possible! Did he think at all? What the hell!"
"Are you quite done?"
"No!" She groaned slapping her forehead beneath her bangs. "This is just the thing I needed. I didn't expect to actually feel guilty about being mean to that stupid guy! And his friend comes in here all the time, I'll have to look at him and smile and pretend like nothing happened. It was easy when it was Rize! Rize wasn't my responsibility. But doves? Doves are the worst! I could have— I should have warned him about doves!"
"Touka," Yoshimura said, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "It appears that the Kaneki has effectively infiltrated the CCG."
"Excuse me?" Touka wasn't really understanding. How did you infiltrate the CCG? Doves were doves, ghouls were ghouls. They existed as polar opposites, enemies meant to clash, meant to crash. They could not coexist. Nature repelled such a notion. And so they hunted each other.
"They let him live," he said with a mild shrug. "I couldn't say for certain why, but I'd assume they took his humanity into account. The doves love their projects, after all."
"That's insane," she muttered, falling back into her seat. "So he's… what, working for them now? That's totally insane, no way any ghoul in their right mind—!"
"Touka, Kaneki was quite human until very recently." Yoshimura shook his head. "Regardless, he feels a strong inclination toward his ghoul side. I think he cares very much about the value of an innocent life, be it human or ghoul. That is why he let Nishiki go."
"He…?" Touka wanted to lie down in her bed again until she woke up. The nightmare— the bunny and the cups and the eyepatch and Ayato— it made more sense than this. This felt more like a dream than anything else. "No way. There's no way he's on our side!"
"Nishiki mentioned that there were two doves with Kaneki when they fought." Yoshimura extended one finger. "The first was a man that Kaneki went out of his way to protect. He was equally as defensive of Kaneki. The second was clearly very hostile to both Nishiki and Kaneki, and openly admitted that he wanted both of them to die."
That felt more like an explanation than the actual explanation. She felt at peace with the idea that at least someone in the CCG was rejecting the idea. Just so, though, she felt an indescribable rage. They weren't just rejecting Kaneki, but ghouls as a whole! This was unfair. Kaneki was being treated unfairly because he was a ghoul, and it made her so angry!
"I don't get it." She stood up. "Thank you, sir, for telling me, but I have no idea what is wrong with that guy. It seems to me like he has a death wish."
"Mm…" Yoshimura picked up her cup and offered it up to her. "I actually think it's quite different. I believe he truly wants to change the world."
She took her coffee slowly. And then she scoffed.
"Yeah right," she murmured.
Kaneki was allowed to rest for a few days, which was a lot and nothing at all. He didn't like being cooped up, but staying away from the CCG was nice. Kaneki had some time to catch up on some reading. But the ugly thing about being alone was that Kaneki had too much time to think. He had to think. And there were things he really did not want to think about.
Hide came by after Kaneki was released. He didn't make any excuses about not being there. He didn't really bring up the hospitalization at all. He avoided it, and Kaneki didn't know why, but he was grateful. Hide didn't make a fuss over Kaneki's health. He was just there.
And that was all Kaneki really needed from him. To just be there.
Amon had called him earlier to tell him he'd be dropping by. It was likely he wanted to check Kaneki's condition, to see if he was fit to go back to work. That meant that Kaneki's time was up, and he wasn't sure if he was happy or not. It was hard to be happy when he still could not tell if the choice he'd made was the right one.
Would he ever be able to know for sure?
Well, Hide came and went quickly, off to a lecture for a class on government. Apparently it was a total bore. He slept through it most of the time. But Kaneki couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy, because as much as he distanced himself from that campus, as much as he hated to admit it, he wanted to learn. He loved school. He loved reading and learning new things. Being a ghoul stripped him of that liberty. Being a ghoul investigator catapulted him into the horrors of adulthood. He had to skip the learning bit.
There was a firm knock at his door, so he stood up from the floor, marking his page and tossing his book aside. This was one of Takatsuki Sen's works. He was rereading it for kicks, hoping to find some solace from the familiar pages, the cryptic prose, the startling metaphors for loneliness and isolation and self-idolatry coupled with self-neglect. He loved it. He could never get enough. It reminded him that he was alive.
He opened the door expecting to look up at Amon's face. That was a mistake. It allowed for a small, skinny forearm to slip beneath his chin and nearly crush his larynx.
"Make a sound and I'll kill you," Kirishima Touka warned, her eyes flashing beneath the smooth part of her bangs. She pushed him into his living room, forcing him to step back, step back, step back again in a rapid backpedal. She kicked his door shut.
She was wearing her school uniform. That was probably bad. Truly a dumb move on her part, honestly. When she'd gone to the CCG for info that one time, she'd made an attempt to disguise herself and Kaneki, never betraying her actual school. If he had to guess, by the strap of her backpack against her hooded sweater, she'd come here on a total whim.
He held up his arms in plain surrender. Her one visible eye narrowed. He didn't think she was as angry as she was trying to seem. Yes, she was clearly intimidating, but he didn't feel intimidated by her. Would she hurt him? Maybe. It was possible. Actually, she definitely would if she felt it was necessary. He didn't think she'd get any pleasure out of it though.
She backed him up right into a wall. His head knocked against it, his chin lowering to provide some space between her arm and his throat. He took a deep breath.
"Why the fuck did you go to the doves?" she growled, glowering into his face. She loosened her hold on him just enough so he could speak.
"Sorry…" He stared into her eyes until she was forced to really look at him. He didn't have anything more to say.
"Sorry?" She was even more furious now. Damn, he thought. So much for sincerity. "I don't care how sorry you are! Answer my question!"
"Please don't yell," he murmured, averting his eyes. "I'll cooperate."
"You don't seem very cooperative."
"I don't want to fight you." He let his eyes flash to hers, and he tried to pull all his emotion, all his genuine resolve into his eyes so she could see. So she could know. He wouldn't fight her even if she started beating him to a pulp. Even if she threatened to kill him. Even if she did kill him. He wouldn't do it.
He was banking a lot on Touka's empathy.
Luckily for him, she wasn't quite as tough as she let on. She cracked. She cautiously removed her arm, and he relaxed, rubbing his neck and giving a little cough. It wasn't for show. She'd really hurt him.
"Explain yourself," she snapped.
He glanced up at her. He shrugged feebly. "I just thought it was the best option at the time," he said blankly. "I don't really know why I did it. I didn't think. It was just a split second decision, something I've been regretting since the moment I made it."
"That's because you're an idiot!" Touka's hands flew to her side, balled into tight fists. He could almost feel her fists raining down on him. "You didn't think? Are you stupid? Honestly! The doves don't care if you were human once! They're going to tear you apart, Kaneki!"
She sounded like she cared. It warmed his heart, really. Truly, it did.
"Maybe they will," he admitted. "I knew there was going to be a risk, okay? Obviously it was reckless, but it was my life I put on the line, and I'd rather it stay that way." He watched her as she glared at him. "Is Nishiki okay?"
She scoffed. It was a sharp tsking noise, a brief intake of breath that coiled up her entire body. "Why do you care?" she sneered. "You damn dove."
"Listen, I know you know I let him go," he sighed. "Otherwise you wouldn't have come. How did you know my address, anyway?"
"Your friend is a blabbermouth," Touka muttered.
Kaneki's jaw tightened. And then he groaned, smacking his forehead irritably. "Hide…" he hissed.
"Yeah, him." Touka stuffed her hands into her pockets and scowled at him. "What's with him? Why is he so… excited? All the fucking time?"
"That's just his personality," Kaneki laughed weakly. "He's like that with everyone."
"It's weird." She sniffed, and she looked around his apartment. "So. Why?"
"I told you why."
"Ugh." She rolled her eyes violently. "Wow, okay. Why did you spare Nishiki? He's pretty much scum."
"You think so?" Kaneki was surprised. Though he shouldn't have been. To Touka, pretty much anyone even remotely unfavorable was scum. "I didn't get that vibe."
"He would've killed your friend, Hide, without a second thought," she said in a bored, dull voice. "You should learn to weed out the nasty folk if you're hunting ghouls for the doves."
"Is that advice?" Kaneki looked at her, and watched her face transform in slight horror.
"It's a warning!" she snapped, kicking him back against the wall. "You think you'll be able to just free the next ghoul you catch? Bullshit! The doves will catch on, and you'll be just another trophy on their wall!"
"I only intend to free the ghouls I think are innocent." Kaneki winced as her heal dug into his chest. "Can you please stop? Holy crap!"
"You're so weak." She released him, whirling away and stomping toward his kitchenette. "It's pathetic! How did you convince the doves to let you live?"
"I just answered their questions honestly."
"Bull."
"But it's the truth."
"You're made of bullshit, Kaneki Ken." She half turned toward him, her one eye flashing dangerously.
"That's probably true." He didn't want to lie to her. He was so happy to see her, to speak to her, to be around her for just a little while, it didn't seem to matter to him anymore how she thought of him as long as she was there. That was the trouble with becoming attached to people. Their feelings never mattered.
"Why did you let Nishiki go?" Touka asked it calmly this time.
Kaneki sighed. "It was my fault he got caught," he said softly. "I accidentally led an investigator with alarming instincts to Nishiki. I felt responsible, and I couldn't bear it if he died because of my stupidity."
She looked at him with widening eyes. Her mouth opened, but not a sound left them. She seemed totally at a loss.
Kaneki was suddenly aware of footsteps coming toward his door. By the way Touka coiled up, she sensed someone else there too.
"Hide!" he gasped, a cold sweat breaking out across his forehead as he grabbed her by the arm and dragged her toward his bedroom door. "Don't say or do anything. I'll try to get him to go away."
She stared at him, anger and fear and disgust toiling inside her gaze. He yanked her hood up and pushed her into his room.
"Not a word," he hissed.
She mouthed at him, "Fuck you." Then she flipped him off. He closed the door as quietly as he could as a knock sounded from the front door.
He took a deep, shaky breath. Touka was the last person he wanted to get involved with this bullshit. He couldn't even be surprised, really, because it was Touka. She was always so angry and ready for confrontation. If she was even remotely bitter about something, she made it known. She wasn't especially open about her feelings, but she sure as hell didn't bottle her issues up.
Amon stood in the doorway, his eyes flicking above Kaneki's head. He looked puzzled.
"Hey." Kaneki didn't need to put much effort in hiding his distress. He'd gone months and months wearing emptiness like an oversized sweater.
"Were you talking to someone?" Amon asked with a frown.
"Huh?" Kaneki tilted his head. "No. Are you hearing voices, Amon?" Kaneki managed a weak laugh. "That's pretty weird."
"Yeah." Amon glanced away. He seemed to be deep in thought. Kaneki watched him vacantly. "Anyway, how are you feeling?"
"Fine." Kaneki wrapped his arms around his stomach. The wound Nishiki's kagune had given him was completely gone. Kaneki had inspected his stomach, and the more time that passed, the more his ribs protruded and the more emaciated he became. He was continuing daily exercises to keep in shape. Or at least get into shape. He was pretty weak right now, and he'd never be able to protect anyone at this rate.
"You look better." Amon cupped his chin as he peered down at Kaneki. "You remember what Mado said, right?"
Kaneki's jaw tightened. He nodded firmly.
"Don't forget," Amon warned, his eyes hard with a blunt warning. "I won't be able to protect you if you lose control."
"I wouldn't want you to." Kaneki looked down at his feet. "I'm sorry."
"Why?" Amon seemed surprised. He sounded a little confused.
"You guys are responsible for me. For whatever actions I take." Kaneki watched him, watched his expression as it melted sympathetically. "I know you got in trouble for letting me off the RC suppressants."
Amon sighed. He rubbed the back of his neck, averting his eyes sharply. "Honestly…" He grimaced. "I was told that keeping you under was for everyone's safety. That once it was deemed that you were no longer a threat, they'd pull you up. But I sat in that room for two days, and you were only checked twice by a CCG approved doctor. They never gave me any real information about your condition, but I knew what was wrong with you."
"You made a really interesting call." Kaneki's eyes widened. "They probably would have kept me asleep for as long as they possibly could."
"I wouldn't say that…" Amon sounded pretty uncertain. But he likely felt the need to defend the CCG regardless. "It was definitely a little weird, though. I didn't think it was fair to you to keep you unconscious. You're not a bad person."
"Are you really sure about that?"
Amon looked down at him sharply. Kaneki was rattled by his own words. Why had he said that? He didn't want Amon to suspect him of anything! But it had been a real question. He was genuinely curious.
"Do you think you're a bad person?" Amon asked him cautiously.
"I don't know." Kaneki answered earnestly. He closed his eyes, and he could hear shuffling in his room. He didn't think Amon's ears were sharp enough to pick it up, though.
"Well," Amon said, "it's not like it's an easy question to answer. In reality, no one is a picturesque model of virtue. Don't worry about it. I think you're fine."
"You're kinda…" Kaneki cocked his head at him.
Amon stared blankly. "What?" he asked defensively.
"Oh." Kaneki blinked. "Sorry, it's just… you're super genuine. It's weird."
"I…" Amon's forehead wrinkled beneath his fringe of hair. "I can't tell if that's a compliment or not."
"Oh. Sorry—"
"You like to apologize." Amon shook his head in disbelief. "It's not necessary. I don't need your apology, Kaneki. I'm not offended, or anything."
"Oh. Okay…"
"You're probably ready to come back to work," he observed. "I can tell Mado to give you an extra day or two just to be certain, though."
Kaneki had to smile. "That's probably unnecessary," he said. "But thank you. You've been really kind to me."
"From what I've observed, you aren't exactly getting much acceptance from humans." Amon shook his head, looking a little irritated. "I can't imagine how ghouls would react to you. You're different. People hate people that are different."
Kaneki's smile turned grim. "That would explain how ghouls are treated," he said with a bite to his tone.
Amon watched him. His expression was emptied of all reaction, all emotion, and Kaneki sensed he'd made a misstep.
"You should be careful what you say," Amon warned, turning toward the door. "Especially around Mado."
You can't stop me, Kaneki wanted to say. You can't make me stop feeling what I feel!
But he didn't shout. He didn't even breathe. He just watched the tall man leave, vanishing from his living room and leaving him emptied of all devotion. He felt that creeping voice spreading out throughout his chest. He wanted to fill it. He wanted to fill his lungs with air, to see the sun again.
When Amon was gone, Kaneki crept back to his room. When he opened the door, he wasn't surprised to find the room was empty. His window was half open. He glanced around, trying to decide if she'd touched anything. Then he noticed there was a gap in his bookcase. He walked over to it, thumbing the empty space. She'd stolen a book from him.
It had been an old, decaying copy of Alice in Wonderland.