He couldn't help but feel aggravated when Hide laughed his ass off at him the next day.
"She actually came here?" he gasped, his arms wrapped around his belly to fend off cramps, mischief gleaming in his eyes. He had on a wicked grin, the kind that made Kaneki reconsider all the time they'd spent together and want to punch him right in the mouth. He didn't, of course. He had a considerable amount of self-restraint now, since his mind was clearer and his body was weaker.
"Yes, she came here," Kaneki hissed, glaring fiercely at Hide. "Amon nearly saw her! Hide, if he'd caught her—!"
"What?" Hide relaxed immediately, his eyes drooping and his expression growing innocent. "If he'd caught her here, you could have lied out of it easily."
"Are you kidding?"
Hide shot him a curious glance. He shook his head in disbelief, and he flopped down onto the couch, kicking his feet up on the table. Kaneki was too frustrated to even yell at him.
"You could have said she was a friend of mine," Hide said breezily, ticking off numbers on his fingers and raising them up so Kaneki could see his own incompetence. "You could have said she was related to your cousin or uncle, close enough that he'd accept it but distant enough not to rouse suspicion. You could have said she was a stranger you were fooling around with, which is something he'd readily accept and not ask questions about, considering his reaction to Kimi and Nishio." He had three fingers offered up in the air. He glanced at Kaneki and smiled brightly. "That's three easy lies you could have used. If Touka were really in that much trouble, you would have found a way to get her out of here without suspicion."
Kaneki exhaled sharply. He didn't even know how to respond to that. It felt like Hide had already thought of everything, like he'd had this planned out from the moment he'd told Touka where to find Kaneki.
"I didn't think of any of that," he muttered, feeling furious and utterly useless. "Hide, she could have been in serious trouble."
"But she's not." Hide clenched his three fingers into a fist and smiled brightly. "She's fine. Amon doesn't know anything about her, and it'll stay that way."
"You can't be sure of that," Kaneki murmured. He was so distraught already by how much he'd fucked up. Nishiki had nearly died because he'd been stupid, he'd been foolish and messy and his friends were going to pay the price. This was how he'd lost Anteiku in the first place!
"No," Hide admitted. He sounded very thoughtful. "You're right, there's always a possibility that Touka will be hunted. But if she is, that burden won't be on you."
"What do you mean?" Kaneki could not understand what Hide was thinking. It was becoming increasingly clear that no matter how much he thought he knew about Hide, he was always keeping something important hidden beneath the surface. He didn't outwardly lie, but he committed the sin of omission like a demon laying traps before making a pact.
"You're doing the best you can," Hide said firmly. "I don't know Touka very well, but I can tell she's a very strong person. She's not very much like you or me." He leaned his head back against the couch to look up at the ceiling. It seemed like he was contemplating something. Kaneki didn't understand. "I mean that, like, she obviously really loves confrontation. Otherwise she wouldn't have gone to your apartment immediately after I told her where to find you. So she's probably someone who acts before she thinks, and makes decisions not out of logic, but out of passion." Hide was biting the skin of his cuticles, his eyes half lidded and dazed as he stared up at the ceiling. "Not to say she isn't smart. She probably is. But people like Touka tend to make trouble for themselves because they are too strong willed to back down."
"That…" Kaneki didn't know what to say. Hide had no idea who Touka was. He couldn't know her like Kaneki knew her. And yet, he'd made an incredible analysis of her personality based on one sole fact. Touka had taken the bait when he'd told her Kaneki's address. That was all Hide had needed to make these assumptions on her character.
And that was fucking scary.
Hide seemed to jolt, his body jerking forward and his eyes flashing to Kaneki's. It seemed as though he'd been forced to wake up from some feverish dream, like he'd tapped into some evil presence nestled deep within him, and by the stunned look on his face, he did not do this often.
"Sorry, buddy," Hide laughed easily, scratching his temple. "I got carried away, I think. Touka's a really nice girl, and I don't want anything to happen to her. I'm just saying that she might end up bringing shit upon herself, and if that happens it's not your fault."
Kaneki bit his tongue. It's not your fault. How could that be true? He felt like everything was his fault. That was why he'd joined the CCG to begin with. To rectify his mistakes. But Hide was telling him that it wasn't his fault, it wasn't his fault, and that was so fucked up. What wasn't his fault? Touka acted without his influence, sure, but if anything happened to her, Kaneki knew he'd blame himself.
"If I can protect Touka," he said, his voice dead, "then I will. It's that simple."
Hide watched him with dull surprise. His expression immediately softened. He nodded.
"Sounds pretty simple," he agreed. "But she might not want your help, y'know?"
"Touka can deal with other ghouls," Kaneki said, listening to his own coarse, vacant tone as it slipped from his lips like barbed wire. "All I need to do is keep her away from the CCG."
"Well," Hide said with a bright grin, "then I guess you have a lot less to worry about!"
Kaneki nodded. He wasn't particularly nervous, but that might've been because he'd made a point to turn his emotions off. He needed to think. But now that he was thinking, he didn't feel so great about acting like this with Hide. Hide didn't know what a monster Kaneki really could be. It wasn't fair of Kaneki to continue to use this tactic, this emotional kill switch that allowed him to speak calmly about all the awful things that plagued him.
He let himself relax. He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, and he glanced down at Hide. "You're taking this pretty well," he said. "Aren't you wondering why I'm so determined to protect a girl I barely know?"
Kaneki hadn't wanted to bring that up, but it was bothering him that Hide hadn't. So he decided to beat him to the punch.
"Huh?" Hide twisted on the couch to look up at Kaneki, his eyes big and bright. "Kaneki, you don't need a reason to care about people. And you definitely don't need to explain yourself to me."
You always know exactly what to say, Kaneki thought. He was in awe of his friend, completely captivated by all the things he knew he didn't know, and all the things about this boy that could not be explained, and he wished that he could be the one person Hide confided in. But he knew. He knew it was only fair.
It wasn't like Kaneki told him everything.
In fact, until recently, Kaneki had made it a rule of thumb to feed Hide the bare minimum of information.
"Thanks, Hide," he murmured.
"No thanks needed, bro." Hide was beaming, his eyes closed and his hands offered up, palms facing forward. "But you know… I'm kinda curious. Why did you go through so much trouble for Nishio?"
Because he was beginning to understand how Hide gained his information, he was hesitant to answer. He didn't give any immediate reaction that might give Hide an idea of what he was thinking, because he could see his friend's eye open a crack, the brown of his iris glistening at the corner beneath his heavy lashes. He was skilled at the art of observation. His eyes were probably very keen, and his mind worked far faster than Kaneki had ever given it credit for.
Hide was probing him for explanations without Kaneki even realizing it.
That seemed to be how Hide worked.
Could Kaneki even really blame him?
He sighed. There was no way around answering. He didn't want to anger Hide, or anything, so he would have to tell him something. But what could he say? There was no real explanation for it, since the truth was out of the question. Kaneki was determined to save his friends, but Hide didn't know, couldn't know, that Kaneki was from some weird alternate future.
"I felt responsible," he murmured, feeling dizzy from his lie. He didn't want Hide to know how stressful this all was. "I brought Mado to Kamii. It was my fault Nishiki was caught."
Hide stood up. All he did was nod, as if that explanation sufficed, as though it sated his undying curiosity, and that was honestly terrifying.
"You really feel responsible?" Hide's eyes gave away nothing but a soft, distant emotion that Kaneki could not put a name to.
"Yes," he said. It was a firm, focused reply, his eyes boring into Hide's. He needed to make sure that there was an understanding between them. Kaneki was ready to make absolutely no sense if it meant he could fool Hide about this one thing.
"Okay." Hide nodded. There were no more questions. He merely shrugged on his backpack and clapped Kaneki on the shoulder. "Let's go see him."
"What?" Kaneki asked flatly.
Hide glanced at him, and he grinned boldly. "That guy was definitely hiding something," he said. "I think it was more than just him being a ghoul. He was a pretty nasty dude, but I feel like he couldn't have been all bad." He gripped Kaneki's shoulder, his grin sliding away. "I'm going to trust you. If you think he was worth saving, I want to understand why."
I will never understand you, Kaneki thought in blatant awe. It was a truth he could not deny. He'd never understood and he'd never understand.
It was a fate resigned to simply gaping at a blinding mystery for all of eternity.
So Kaneki nodded. He nodded, and they both set off.
Kaneki had gotten an extra day off from Amon, so he thought this was probably as good a time as any to make the dreaded visit to Anteiku. He didn't know if the fact that Hide was with him made him more anxious, or if he felt more comfortable. He didn't know what was going to happen, if he was taking the right steps, making the right choices, but he supposed that was simply life.
"You seem kinda down." Hide tilted his head. "Dude, if I said something I shouldn't have, you gotta let me know. I'm not really used to speaking up about what's on my mind."
"No, no!" Kaneki shook his head furiously. "What you did was really cool! I just… I don't know. I'm worried, I think."
"Everything will turn out okay," Hide told him gently.
Kaneki listened to his own vicious exhale, and he wished he could tell Hide that the world didn't work like that. Nothing was okay. Everything fucking sucked.
The world worked as an unsteady hand, jerking people around like a needle made to pierce through an eye and lobotomize you.
"Don't you have class?" he asked, sticking his hands into the pocket of his sweater as they paused at an intersection. Anteiku was in clear sight now, and just glancing at the building made his stomach tie into tight knots. His breath had hitched. He was terrified.
"Yeah, I can go after this." Hide shrugged. "No big deal."
Yeah, okay. Hide said that, but Kaneki had a feeling he was slacking. He eyed him coldly, and Hide threw his hands up in defense.
"I swear I'll get to class on time!" he gasped. "Holy shit, Kaneki, what is with that scary look?"
Kaneki forced himself to relax, if only because Hide's words felt like a slap. Had his look really been scary? He didn't know. He didn't know what he looked like when he utilized his more unsavory personality traits. Things that he'd picked up from others. He knew that he was just reflecting the intimidation tactics he'd seen used on him, but it was hard to shake off a facet of your personality after incorporating it.
"I just don't want you to fall behind," he murmured. Because he wanted Hide to have a future. He wanted Hide to continue to live, to thrive, to have hope in a world where he was destined to fall.
If Kaneki could change just one thing. Just one…
He thought, for sure, that it would have to be that destiny.
The smell of coffee beans hit him, and nostalgia dug its mighty claws into his gut. A bell rung inside his head, a distant reminder of days that had shuffled past in such a daze, everything seeming so damn hard, everything seeming so damn perfect. He felt like he'd stepped into a dream, like his mind was floating in the slow current of his memory and his body was frozen in a horrified state.
Coffee made his mouth water.
The simple scent of it made his eyes water.
He was such a sentimental fool.
"Yo!" Koma was standing behind the counter. He was looking at Hide, paying no mind to Kaneki, who was digging his nails into his palms, his fists thrust into the pockets of his sweater. He had to keep from crying. It'd be too difficult to explain. "Touka's not here, buddy, hate to say. Want me to tell her you stopped by?" Koma was wiggling his eyebrows.
"Touka's not here?" Hide's voice managed to hit a soft, miserable pitch that was truly lamentable. He spoke Touka's name with an almost forced familiarity. Touka-chan. Touka-chan! That tone would never change. "Damn! I guess there wasn't even really a point, huh, Kaneki?"
Koma's eyes flashed to Kaneki's face. His playful expression turned into something like shock, his mouth opening wide as though he had words stuck inside his throat, but he couldn't manage to choke them out.
"Touka is still in high school, Hide," Kaneki reminded his friend gently. He knew Hide already knew that, but he needed to act normal. "Some people actually care about school."
"Says the drop out!" Hide scoffed, hopping up to the bar. He smiled at Koma brightly. "Can I get a cappuccino, then?"
"You got it," Koma said, snapping out of his shock and throwing Hide a firm thumbs up. He looked at Kaneki pointedly.
"I'm okay, thank you," Kaneki said nervously. He glanced at the door beside the counter the led upstairs. "I actually wanted to ask you something. It's about a mutual friend."
Koma stared at him. He kept a fake smile easily in place for the benefit of the customers, who Kaneki sensed did not suspect anything. Hide was sitting at the counter, leaning forward on his elbows and gazing into space somewhere past Koma's head.
"I see," Koma said, drumming his hands against the countertop. "Okay, then. I can't really leave the counter, but I can call someone for you."
"That's fine." Kaneki's palms were sweating. He could sense the innate distrust in Koma, but he knew that the man was curious. He also knew that he was mildly impressed with Kaneki. He could tell by way he smiled.
Koma made a call quickly with the phone under the counter. Kaneki knew it was to Yoshimura. Irimi probably had the day off, and there was no one else to help except perhaps Yomo. And Kaneki sincerely doubted Koma was calling Yomo.
"Kay," Koma said, throwing a wary glance Kaneki's way. "You can go right up. Kaneki, was it?"
This was always difficult. Speaking to someone he knew well, speaking to a friend that he'd known once, but who did not know him in the slightest, was always a struggle. Kaneki had thought Touka would be the hardest. He'd thought speaking to her would feel like hell, like he was screaming and screaming and screaming and forced to scream forever to try and catch her attention, but she'd never hear. That was not the case. Talking to Touka had felt so refreshing, so undeniably nice regardless of the unpleasant conversations, that he just didn't care about anything else. She did all the screaming for him. And she could scream at him forever, and he'd never love her any less.
But talking to Koma was different. Koma hadn't been as close to him as Touka had, even if he considered Koma a friend. So now it hurt. Now, speaking with this man who watched him with equal awe and equal caution, Kaneki was filled with something like regret. Like he needed to change more and more and more. Like what he'd had last time hadn't been enough. He wished he could understand why he hungered for things so petty as simply having more time. As though any amount of measurable time could add up to enough.
Kaneki was greedy. He would never have enough.
The stairs took him up to the first floor where Yoshimura was waiting with his kind smile. He motioned for Kaneki to follow him up the stairs again.
"You've returned," he remarked in his low, level tone. "I thought you might."
"I'm sorry." Kaneki watched the man's back tiredly. He wanted to hug him. To tell him that he was one of the kindest people he'd ever met, that none of it had been his fault, that he didn't need to protect Kaneki and put his life and livelihood at risk. But his mouth was dry, and he could only apologize.
"I haven't a clue why you're apologizing." Yoshimura's steps were even. He ascended with the kind of grace that Kaneki sorely envied, slow and steady and stable. He was a picture of perfect stability, and Kaneki had never had that sort of confidence in him. "You did what you thought was right. I cannot condemn your choice, Kaneki. Especially if you have good intentions at heart."
"But…" Kaneki watched his own feet as they scraped against the stairs. "Sir, what if my actions end up putting everyone in more danger? Aren't you scared of that?"
"You are taking an enormous risk," Yoshimura murmured, "for the benefit of ghouls. I am very scared, I'll admit that." He paused at the landing, and he turned to face Kaneki. His expression was somber. "But I am scared solely for you."
Kaneki took a deep breath. Listening to Yoshimura speak felt like a dream of a dream of a dream. He was another one. He knew exactly what to say. These kinds of people were the ones Kaneki really needed to surround himself with.
"I'll be okay, I think," he tried to reassure the old man, rubbing his chin as he glanced up at the ceiling. "I really appreciate your concern, though."
"Kaneki, what you did for Nishio was more than simply admirable." Yoshimura's hand reached out, and Kaneki jumped as he was clapped on the shoulder. "You understand that, don't you? What you did was bordering heroic."
"I was only trying to fix a mistake, sir," Kaneki confessed urgently, feeling that the manager was praising him far too much. "Honestly, I don't know what I would have done if I'd been taken to catch a ghoul I didn't already know. I probably would have just let the doves kill them."
"You speak as though you are not one of them," Yoshimura observed.
Kaneki flushed. He stared up at the man, and he said nothing. Perhaps that was the right answer.
The man began to smile again.
"I can only hope you weren't followed," he said.
"I had the day off, so I doubt it." He didn't really believe that, but Hide had convinced him that his worries were senseless. And Hide seemed to know everything. Kaneki followed him down the hall. It didn't take him long to realize they were headed toward Touka's apartment. "And if I was, Hide can cover for me. He's good at that."
Yoshimura's eyes opened, and he looked down at Kaneki with curiosity sparking in his eyes. "Your friend… does he know?"
Kaneki recollected the stories he'd been told by this man. The stories that had seemed like fairy tales, like nightmares, like urban legends. The story of how the one eyed king had manifested. Because Yoshimura had loved and confided in a human.
"Yes," Kaneki said, meeting Yoshimura's gaze sharply. "I hope that won't be a problem."
Once again Yoshimura relaxed his expression, keeping it at its most serene. He closed his eyes. "No," he said with a smile, "he's far less of a risk than you are, if I may be frank. I'm glad that you were able to be accepted by a human."
"Hide's honestly amazing," Kaneki admitted. "When I told him, he was completely calm. He even offered to figure out something for me for food." Kaneki shook his head furiously. "Obviously I didn't take him up on it, but needless to say, you can trust him."
"That is very good to know." Yoshimura didn't let his voice betray his surprise, but Kaneki could sense it. There was sadness in the way he slumped. His body language gave him away, but that was only because Kaneki knew. He knew the tragedy that had befallen him. "That could be very useful in the future."
"Yeah," Kaneki gasped, "actually, um, I was thinking. Since I don't want to attract doves here, I figured if I need to warn you guys about stuff, or something, I could send Hide. And you could send him back to me with a reply. Like a messenger pigeon."
Yoshimura paused. They had reached Touka's door. He seemed to be mulling over Kaneki's words, which made Kaneki nervous, so he just carried on quickly.
"I want to find the time to come here myself," Kaneki said, feeling guilty for not being clear on his feelings for Anteiku. "But honestly, I'm scared that one of the doves might end up following me here. And the investigator who is my superior, he has unbelievably sharp instincts when it comes to differentiating ghouls from humans. He'd know the moment he walked into this place that it was run by ghouls."
Yoshimura grimaced. "Yes," he sighed. "That could cause a problem."
In his mind he could see doves lining the streets, hundreds of them scattering as they attempted to get a stab at Anteiku. He could see Amon with his fiery eyes and his cold words, and he could feel every insult like a stab in the gut. Amon existed as the face on the back of a coin. He was heads and Kaneki was tails, and neither of them could really see or understand each other, but they knew and accepted that the other was there.
"Yes…" Kaneki swallowed thickly.
Yoshimura placed his hand on Kaneki's head. Kaneki could only jolt in alarm.
"You shouldn't worry so much about Anteiku," the manager told Kaneki gently. "We are quite capable of taking care of ourselves."
He found himself bowing his head. He hadn't meant to offend anyone, but he supposed it was only natural that his actions felt unnecessary. They couldn't know what fate lay ahead of them, what the consequences of his existence would be.
Yoshimura let Kaneki inside of Touka's apartment. For a moment Kaneki could forget that he was a total stranger to her. Because he was hit with the overwhelming scent of her, an aroma that perpetually hung in the air, intermingling and forming an unmistakable signature. This scent was Touka. It was the heavy musk of ground coffee beans, too strong to mask, but layered with additional perfumes. Coconuts. He was pretty sure that was the smell of the soap she used. Body wash. Lavender. He knew for certain that was the shampoo she used, because whenever he got too close to her, whenever her hair shifted, he always got a noseful of that flowery scent. Sometimes when he thought of Touka, he thought of bushels of lavender. Sea salt. He couldn't be sure where that scent came from. But it was there. It clung to her. It lingered in the air after she was gone.
Sometimes Kaneki would dream that he'd follow that scent, follow a trail of Touka's signature until he found himself in a field of rotting flowers with Death at the center. And Death, he held a beautiful, unstable red wing in his right hand. The fiery feathers twitched and guttered and spat. And two blazing shards came sailing toward him, whistling through the air and burrowing themselves inside his eyes in a great explosion of pain, his head, his head, his head, going right through his head.
"Kaneki?"
He found himself in Touka's room. It surprised him, because he didn't remember moving beyond Touka's threshold, but it must have happened. He was staring at Nishiki, their eyes on one another, taking each other in with unreadable expressions.
"You look better," Kaneki observed.
Nishiki scoffed. He sat up, wincing a bit, and he squinted at Kaneki's face. "Yeah, so do you," he said, frowning as his eyes landed on Kaneki's stomach. "Healed right up, huh?"
"If it makes you feel any better," Kaneki offered sheepishly, "I was in the hospital for two days."
"They sent you to a hospital?" Nishiki rolled his eyes. He'd been lying on a bed, his glasses off and his eyes tired. He'd probably been sleeping. Kaneki felt mildly guilty for waking him up. "I thought the doves would've carved you up for sure."
"No…" Kaneki glanced at Yoshimura, who stood calmly by the door of Touka's room. Perhaps he didn't trust Kaneki as much as he'd let on. "I think they were trying to put me into a medically induced coma, though."
"Uh, what?" Nishiki's eyes widened, and fumbled for his glasses. He seemed to be thinking this over, trying to comprehend what that could mean for Kaneki. When he had his glasses on, he stared at Kaneki's face for a long time. He was likely looking for traces of emotion that might explain how Kaneki felt about this, but Kaneki knew better. There was no emotion to give.
"I'm not stupid, Nishiki," Kaneki told him quietly. He decided not to meet his eye as he spoke. "I know how dangerous it is to be actively involved with the CCG. But for now, I'm probably more use to them alive than anything else." He'd thought this over by himself, in the dark, in the lonesome silence of his apartment. He'd made this conclusion a hundred times over. "They don't like the idea of me, but they'd rather be in control of me than let me slip away. So as long as they can weaponize me, I'll probably be fine."
"That's really not assuring," Nishiki said flatly, "like, at all. Are you fucking kidding?"
Kaneki averted his eyes. He'd been expecting this. "No," he said. "I'm serious. I'm probably just going to give the CCG what they want."
"Then what the fuck is even the point?" Nishiki snapped, jerking to his feet. "You're just gonna do what you're told? Like a goddamn dog?"
"That's what you've been calling me," Kaneki replied distantly. "Maybe it'd be better to be a dog than a monster."
"Oh, wow," Nishiki sneered. "Wow! You know, I thought for a little while that maybe I was wrong about you? But nah, man, you're just as fucking spineless as I thought!"
"Nishiki," Yoshimura warned. Kaneki glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. He'd nearly forgotten the man was there.
"You can hate me if you want," Kaneki told Nishiki, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his sweater. "I ruined your life. It was an accident, but that doesn't really help anyone. You can't go back to being the person you were a week ago. You know that, right?"
"Unlike you," Nishiki spat, throwing a fierce glare from behind the lenses of his glasses, "I've been a ghoul all my life. This situation isn't fucking new." He stretched his legs out, his head lolling back. He'd slumped in defeat. "You're lucky, you know, asshole? You have no idea what it's like to live your whole life knowing you might have to completely erase and reinvent yourself at a moment's notice."
Kaneki could only exhale. What Nishiki was saying was completely valid. Because Kaneki had lived a very privileged life up until the day Rize had decided to make him her next victim.
"You should get out of the twentieth ward if you can," Kaneki said in a clipped, empty voice. He didn't want Nishiki to know how sad he was. He didn't want Nishiki to think he cared, because that would honestly just make everything so much worse. "Right now there aren't many field investigators, but I have a feeling that'll change soon."
Nishiki's jaw clenched, a sign that he wasn't having any of Kaneki's shit, but he couldn't really argue. There was no sense in staying. It was pretty much a death wish to stay. But Kaneki knew he wanted to. He knew exactly what Nishiki was thinking. What about Kimi? Even now, even on the brink of being caught and executed, Nishiki had very little concern for his own safety.
"I may have a job for you, actually," Yoshimura piped up. Kaneki looked at him, unable to conceal his shock. Nishiki couldn't possibly work at Anteiku now. Not after the CCG had already exposed him as a ghoul! It was practically suicide.
"Huh?" Nishiki wrinkled his nose. "Are you pulling my leg, old man?"
"I am entirely serious." Yoshimura was not smiling. His eyes were open, and he watched Nishiki beneath the heavy bags that hung around them. "It may not be a desirable position, but I have made the arrangements. Your freedom would be rather restricted due to your current fugitive status, but you would have a place to stay and a job to do." Yoshimura sighed, and he closed his eyes solemnly. "For us ghouls, sometimes that is more than enough to keep us moving forward."
Kaneki could not deny that he was right. After he'd left Anteiku, after he'd been tortured, the only thing that had inspired him to get up out of bed was the thought of finding answers. The thought of enacting vengeance. Becoming stronger. It was truly an impressive force, the thirst for retribution.
"Well, shit…" Nishiki groaned, running his fingers through his hair. There was desperation leaking into his voice, the low drawl of someone realizing he was at the end of his rope. He held his head in both hands, staring, staring, staring past Kaneki and Yoshimura and into a void beyond them. His eyes squeezed shut. He let his hands drop into his lap. "I guess… I don't really have a choice, huh?"
"You always have a choice, Nishiki," Yoshimura said. "However, if you decide not to take my offer, we cannot help you any further. You will have to leave."
"Yeah," Nishiki muttered. "I haven't got any choice."
Yoshimura grimaced. Kaneki didn't blame him. It was a bad situation no matter how it was sliced. Nishiki would be forced to live a life in hiding.
"You'll relocate and begin tonight," Yoshimura said. Kaneki turned away, glancing around Touka's room. He was trying to seem uninterested, like this didn't concern him, but it did, and it hurt. It hurt that he'd done this. That it was all his fault. "The man you'll be staying with is named Yomo Renji. He's very quiet, but he is the most trustworthy man I know."
Ah, that made sense! So Nishiki would be going with Yomo to avoid being caught by the CCG. That meant that Nishiki would probably be doing the grunt work of Anteiku. Kaneki did not envy him.
"Okay." Nishiki sounded a little dead.
The sound of rain made Kaneki's eyes turn toward the window. It was a calming sound. Soft, distant pattering. Incessant, discordant pressure. He found himself drawn to the window, if only to peer through the distorted glass.
He saw two figures down below.
Suddenly his heart stopped.
Suddenly he was reeling in horror.
Because he knew.
It was all coming back to him. He knew those figures. He knew those backs. He watched the little girl swing her mother's arm, her fingers laced within hers.
Mrs. Fueguchi held the borrowed umbrella tightly. She must have talked to Yoshimura before Kaneki had came. She'd probably been with Hinami all this time. All this time that Kaneki should have, would have, had been with her.
"Shit," he exhaled, his palm slapping against the cool glass. His breath hit the window, and a mist of fog blocked the Fueguchis from view. "No, no, no, no…"
"Kaneki?" Yoshimura sounded concerned, but Kaneki couldn't bring himself to care. He whirled around, kicking off into a sprint.
He said nothing as he bolted out of the room, out of Touka's apartment, and flew down the stairs. He listened to his feet pound against the steps, frantic and out of rhythm, like his unsteady heartbeat. Panic had settled within him, and he was going to scream.
This couldn't happen again.
This was something he'd planned to change.
Had he been too lax? Had he just assumed that by joining the CCG he could change such an event in time?
He was such a fucking fool!
"Kaneki?" Hide asked vacantly as Kaneki flung himself through the door beside the counter, skidding across the floor and ignoring the odd looks Anteiku's customers were giving him. Koma was staring with wide, wary eyes. "Yo, buddy, what's wrong?"
Kaneki was thinking. He had to think. He had to remember how this had all gone if he wanted to change it.
If he was unable to intercept Mrs. Fueguchi before she ran into Mado and Amon…
"Hide," Kaneki breathed, his fingers trembling at the handle of the door. He couldn't look back. He couldn't look back. This was why he'd chosen this path. This was why he wanted to make a difference. "I'm… about to do something really stupid, I think."
Hide didn't respond. The stool at the counter screeched against the floor. Kaneki flung the door open, and he ran. His sneakers splashed against the pavement, chilly rain hitting his face and beating at his back. He was determined now. If he could stop Ryouko and Hinami before the CCG got to them, then this would all be easy. But he knew that there was a chance… because he'd spotted them too late…
He didn't know what direction to go. He'd lost sight of them. So he just ran. He thought about Hinami, about her swampy eyes, her glistening tears, and he knew he could not abandon that girl, not so long as he lived.
He could hear nothing but his own ragged breath and the crashing of his feet upon the watery ground. Rain spilt into his eyes, and he kept going, his senses spiking as he recollected his own ability. He skidded to a stop, blinking through the sheets of rain, and he saw an awning nearby. He shoved through a small crowd of people and rushed across the street, too fast to be caught by a car rushing by. He listened to the blare of a horn about five seconds after he'd reached the other side of the street.
The awning was slippery, so it was a little wild gaining traction, but getting onto it was pretty easy. He'd just kicked off the side of the building. I can do this, he thought firmly. He jumped, catching a windowsill, and he let himself scale the side of this building, his muscles working themselves to the brink. More than once he nearly slipped. More than once he was chiding himself that he was wasting so much fucking time. More than once he stopped, his breathing erratic and his forehead scraping stone, and he wanted to push off the wet ridges and fall backwards into the street. He'd scaled buildings before. Honestly, this was nothing. He had to tell himself that. That it was nothing. His mind knew what to do. It was just that his body wasn't used to the strain. That was okay. It was okay.
Because his body would do whatever the fuck he told it to.
When he reached the roof, he sprung into a crouch, his breathing uneven and his eyesight bleary due to rain and sweat. He squinted down into the street, and then moved his head to survey the next street. Then another.
The distant blobs of white set off alarms inside Kaneki's head. He knew without a doubt that they were doves. Likely, it was Amon and Mado. Even more likely, the beige sheen he saw beneath the mist of rain was Ryouko Fueguchi.
Which meant that little smear fleeing in the opposite direction was Hinami.
"Right," Kaneki breathed. He pushed off the roof, kicking off the side of the building to slow his crashing fall to the ground. When he neared the pavement, he tucked his body into a ball, shouldering the concrete and halting his landing into a sharp roll. He jumped up to his feet, his heart hammering in his chest, and he sprung right back into a sprint.
If anybody had seen that, it probably didn't matter. After all, the CCG knew all about him.
The rain was making it difficult to navigate. He knew he would have to turn right soon, but there were little alleys that made him falter. He skidded to a stop as a small girl rushed past him, a blur of white in the grayscale afternoon.
Kaneki turned on his heel, and he cupped his hands around his mouth. "Hinami!" he shouted, his voice shattered by the pattering of rain.
She immediately stopped. She rocked in place, swaying dizzily as she turned, her wet face gaping up at him in alarm. Tears and rain soaked her cheeks. She was drenched.
He held up his hands in a form of surrender. Her eyes were glistening, wide and wild from fear and uncertainty, and her little shoulders trembled as he took a small step forward. And then another.
She stepped back.
"Hey," he gasped, smiling at her gently. "Hey, Hinami, it's okay. I'm not going to hurt you."
"How do you know my name?" she choked, her hands folding against her chest, her feet backpedaling at an alarming rate. Her shoes scraped the glistening sidewalk, fumbling uselessly and teetering as she stumbled away from him.
Kaneki felt awful. Everything about this made him feel miserable, because she didn't know him, she didn't know him at all, and he was so desperate to get to her that he didn't care about the consequences. He knew her name. He knew everything about her. But she'd never seen him before a day in her life.
"I work at Anteiku," he said, half a lie, half a wish. "Yoshimura told me—"
He didn't need to finish his sentence. She'd already thrown her arms around him, a sob catching into his sweater. Her tiny fingers dug into his back, and he blinked, catching her gingerly. Her coat and hair were damp, and she was shaking so badly that he thought he might snap one of her bones if he tried to hug her any tighter. He crouched before her so she could bury her face in his shoulder.
"M-my mom—!" Hinami sobbed, her little voice breaking in time with the splash of rain on the sidewalk. "My mom, she— she's all alone! She's alone!"
"Shh," Kaneki murmured, closing his eyes. "Don't worry. I'll go find her."
"L-let me—!" She pulled back, rubbing her eyes furiously. "I can take you—!"
"No," Kaneki told her firmly. "You need to go back to Anteiku. Understand?"
She stared up at him, eyes big and round and glistening. Her lips trembled miserably. Then she shook her head. She shook it furiously, releasing him only to ball her hands into fists at her side. Tears streamed down her face, snot dribbling from her nose, but she glared at him through it all.
"No," she gasped, "no way! I have to go back! I have to help mom!"
"Hinami, listen," Kaneki murmured. He unzipped his sweater, shrugging it off slowly. He knew he didn't have much time. "You know what's happening right? Those guys who stopped you and your mom, they're doves. If you go back, they might hurt you."
"You…" She sniffled, eyes flitting across his face bemusedly. "You smell… different."
"I'm a ghoul who used to be human," he explained softly, throwing his sweater over her shoulders. "My name is Kaneki Ken. And I'm going to try my hardest to save your mother."
She stared up at him, her mouth parting in awe. And then, alarmingly, her lips split into a timid smile.
"Okay," she gasped, nodding firmly. "Okay. I understand. I think…"
Over her head, Kaneki saw something. From behind the wall of a building, a silhouette had appeared. Instinctively, Kaneki drew Hinami closer.
Through the haze of rain, the figure came into clear sight.
Hide's bleached hair looked almost brown in the rain. Damp and curling in soft waves across his forehead. His eyes were not accusatory or inquisitive. They were simply dull and sad.
It was an odd look for him. Like his happiness and energy had been stripped from him, and Kaneki was staring into his naked soul.
Reluctantly, Kaneki released Hinami.
"Hey," he gasped, looking down at Hinami and beaming at her, "my friend is gonna take you back to Anteiku, okay?"
"Uh…" Hinami shot a glance at Hide, her tears still leaking onto her cheeks. "Okay… but, Kaneki… you'll come back, right?"
I'm a complete stranger, Kaneki thought sadly, and she already cares way too much about what might happen to me.
"Don't worry about me," he told her with a tiny laugh. "It's fine. Hide your face, okay?" He yanked his hood up so it covered her face, and a laugh bubbled up from her lips. He stood, and she pushed his hood back to watch him with her keen eyes.
"Hide," Kaneki said, resting a hand on Hinami's head. "Can you take care of her for me?"
Hide stared at him. He spared Hinami a quick glance, and he offered her a bright smile. "Hey, there, kiddo," he gasped. "How old are you?"
She looked at him quizzically. "I'm thirteen," she said cautiously.
"Oh, what?" Hide smacked his head. "Wow, really? You look so young!"
Kaneki couldn't see Hinami's reaction due to his hood covering her face, but he sensed she was flustered. He turned away, making a map in his head from the image he'd seen when he'd scaled that building. If he made the next turn, he'd probably be able to see where Ryouko and the investigators were.
"Hey, Kaneki?" Hide called.
Kaneki turned, glancing at him confusedly.
Hide already had Hinami on his back, her chin resting in his damp blonde hair. He smiled at Kaneki, something sad, something sweet.
"Don't be too stupid, okay?" He offered his broadest grin. And Kaneki knew what he was asking of him.
Don't you dare fucking die, dude.
Kaneki could see it in the glaze of Hide's eyes.
It was a plea more than anything else.
Because Hide had already figured it all out. Hinami. Ryouko. The CCG. It was pretty much confirmed that Hide had been following Kaneki since he'd left Anteiku, probably out of panic. Which means he saw me scale that building, he thought in horror. But he didn't have time to lament over his mistake.
He smiled back at Hide, and he nodded firmly.
And then he set off once more.
The wind and the rain and the echo of his feet clapping against the puddles, splashing water into the air, that was all he could hear. When he turned, he found himself running right toward a horror scene. He was sprinting toward the backs of the investigators, his breathing sharp and his eyes narrowing furiously.
He could hear Mado's voice. It cut right through him.
"You're a complete idiot, aren't you?" There was laughter in the mad man's voice, that sharp chuckle that he always sounded when he was so very fucking amused. "If you had come along obediently, you wouldn't have had to die in the middle of the street."
Kaneki breezed past the bureau investigators, Kusaba and Nakajima. They both gave shuddering shouts, and Amon turned sharply. When his eyes met Kaneki's, they widened considerably. But Kaneki couldn't care about that. He couldn't care. He needed to do what he'd promised himself he'd do.
And if he died here… then he supposed everything would be fine.
After all, everything after this… it had just all been his fault.
So if he died here, he would have no regrets.
Maybe this was the reason why he'd gotten this second chance to begin with.
Because when Death had struck him down, he'd had nothing left to him but regrets.
Now, though… Hinami was safe… Hide was with her… Touka wasn't going to worry about him, or feel guilty… Anteiku would be saved.
He felt content.
"Mado!" Kaneki snarled.
Ryouko was in bad shape. She was bleeding profusely from multiple places, from her glazed eyes and her parted lips and her button nose, and her kagune had wilted at her sides. But her blood encrusted eyelids had snapped open at the sound of his voice. She stared at him. And Mado turned slowly, his head cocking curiously.
"Oh?" He shot Kaneki a smooth, wormy smile. "So you decided to come and watch the show, huh, Ken? Well, you missed most of it." He lifted his quinque, the one he'd made from Hinami's father, and Kaneki felt sick. This was his nightmare. Ryouko was living his nightmare.
"Stop." He marched forward. Amon called after him.
"Kaneki, that woman is dangerous!" Amon's voice was sharp, stinging with a cool warning.
"Oh," Kaneki said flatly. He kept moving forward. "Is that why she's slumped in the middle of the street, bleeding pretty much everywhere?"
"This is a ghoul, Ken," Mado said, smiling at Kaneki brightly. "As I'm sure you're aware, we are ghoul investigators. This is our job."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Kaneki snapped. "I didn't realize psychologically torturing someone before you straight up murder them was part of the job description!"
"Kaneki!" Amon's hands came down, clapping onto Kaneki's shoulders and dragged him back. Kaneki found himself furious. "Stop. Right now. You have no idea what you're talking about."
"No, I get it!" Kaneki wrenched himself free, shoving Amon away sharply. "I get that you're picking off weak ghouls who can't defend themselves. That's not even remotely okay."
"Ghouls are trash, Kaneki," Amon snapped. "Ghouls are not like you! I don't care what you've come to believe, but you are not a ghoul!"
Kaneki found himself glowering at him. His words had struck him very hard. Because after everything that had happened, even though Kaneki had so very much wanted to be anything but what he was, he didn't want to go back. He was okay with being a ghoul now. He'd accepted that part of him.
And he didn't like people telling him what he was and what he was not.
He took three large steps back. He stepped between Ryouko and Mado, who let him do so without so much as a glance. Perhaps he was waiting for the opportunity to use that quinque to slice Kaneki in half.
It wouldn't happen.
He threw his arms out, his kagune unfurling at his back, slithering around him. He glared at Mado's sunken face.
"I told you once," he said in a cold, vicious tone, "and I'll tell you again. My existence isn't binary. I won't choose! I know I'm human. I feel like a human. I have no interest in hunting and killing. But that can't be solely a human trait! I know that there have to be ghouls who feel the same!"
"You're speaking nonsense, Ken," Mado sighed. "Honestly, you should get out of the way. If you do that, I won't report this."
"And what will you say, Mado?" Kaneki knew how to act under pressure. And he knew how to pressure others. He lifted his chin, and he tightened his jaw. "Ah. I see. So being a ghoul means I'm nothing more than trash, huh?" His eyes flashed to Amon's. He could tell his words had struck him, because Amon had stiffened, his mouth opening and closing rapidly. "Okay, then. That's fine with me. I don't want to be the exception if it means I have to watch people like me— people who could be me— get slaughtered by you just because you don't understand them."
"They eat people, Kaneki!" Amon was pissed. He glared right back at him, his expression twisting into a disgusted sneer. "I told you. You need to watch what you say! You can't keep defending them like this, it's not realistic!"
"What has this woman done?" Kaneki snapped. "You can't prove she's hurt anyone!"
"She's a ghoul." Mado shrugged. "Being a ghoul is, in fact, enough, Ken. You understand? Eating human flesh, regardless of where it comes from, should not be permissible."
"But I'm allowed to exist?" Kaneki was shaking. Rain trickled down his cheek. "Fuck you, honestly."
"If you're asking me to kill you," Mado chirped gleefully, snapping his quinque like a whip, "I'll be glad to oblige!"
"Mado," Amon barked, losing his cool and snapping, "don't touch him."
"Amon, you've grown too attached to this one." Mado tutted softly. He shook his head. "He's obviously too far gone to save."
"He's just being compassionate." Amon had calmed down enough that these words came out very softly. "He didn't go to the academy. He doesn't understand. You've mistaken his kindness for madness."
"Ho…?" Mado shot Kaneki a wicked grin, and Kaneki sneered at him in response. "Oh, yes. That is the face of a purely kindhearted man. There is certainly no malice that I can see!"
Kaneki took a deep breath. He understood that he was under certain restrictions now, and that his kagune might not hold up for as long as he needed it. He glanced down at Ryouko, and he smiled at her.
"You should go," he told her. "You've done enough."
She stared up at him, blood caking her veined cheeks. She matched his smile perfectly, tears welling inside her eyes. Those eyes shifted past him, staring sadly into the space behind his head. She lifted her own head, and she dropped it in a jerky nod.
"I… don't know who you are," she whispered, folding her hands into her lap. "And I want to thank you, but… I can't understand… why you're helping me."
Kaneki sighed. He knew this must have been weird for her. "You should really go," he told her. "Go. Please. Go find your daughter. I can handle this."
"My…?" Ryouko's eyes widened. Fresh tears pooled in her eyes. Her chapped, blood-stained lips stretched into a thin smile. "Thank you. Thank you…"
Kaneki didn't understand why she wasn't running. He frowned, feeling that he must have said something wrong. Maybe she thought he wasn't strong enough to take them? Well, he didn't want to hurt them, but if he had to…
He realized where his mistake had fallen.
He'd been looking away for far too long.
A sharp click made him come to his senses. He turned his head sharply, expecting to find Mado bearing down on him with that awful quinque. But both Mado and Amon had moved to the sidelines. Mado was smirking, and Amon… he was watching Kaneki with disappointment in his dark eyes.
Nakajima was the one who stood before him.
Kaneki jerked one limb of his kagune, but the man was smart enough to keep a few meters distance. By the time Kaneki had made his move, a crack of the gunshot rang through the air, muffling even the thunderous patter of rain. He didn't have the time to dodge, because he'd been so sure. He'd been so sure he could get the gun away in time.
The shot slammed into his abdomen, and he was knocked off his feet.