Unlike his first imprisonment, his second round at Cochlea was unbearably frightening.
There wasn't even much change to how he was treated. He was still locked in a solitary room, stripped of a cot and left with a stiff mat that had been stuffed in the corner of the cold, windowless cell. He was still drugged and stolen away at night, leaving gaps in his memory, leaving bruises in the crook of his elbow, and that terrified him more now than ever before. Because he felt like he'd really pissed them off. No one talked to him, told him what was happening outside the bare cement walls, and no one even so much as glanced at him like he had a pulse.
He was not even a prisoner here. He was a lab specimen.
There was no way around this, of course. He'd made himself a threat to the whole fucked up system the CCG had, so he clearly needed to be detained. It wasn't like he hadn't known the risk he'd been taking, but part of him had really just hoped that Mado would kill him instead of Ryouko. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that he got to live while she… while she'd been butchered…
The RC suppressant had taken a minute to kick in. Kaneki recalled lying flat on his back, the puddle he'd landed in soaking through the cotton fibers of his dark blue shirt, and the vicious ringing of his equilibrium being blown off rattled inside his ears. Rain had gathered on his cheeks, long silver strings connecting the blackened road to the steely heavens. Bullets of cold water caught inside his eyes as the world swam around him, and his limbs turned to blocks of lead.
He felt himself being dragged upright, hands beneath his arms and pulling his limp body backwards. Instinctively, Kaneki had fought the grip, thrusting his elbow back and catching Amon in the collarbone. The man let out a sharp, pained gasp, his grip on Kaneki loosening enough that he could launch himself back into the street, rolling and scraping against the asphalt. He couldn't properly hold himself upright, no matter how hard he pushed, and he could only lift his upper body a few meager centimeters off the ground.
"That was a little pathetic, Ken," Mado had told him in a faux sympathetic voice. Kaneki had raised his head, and he could feel his kakugan, the outpour of veins lacing beneath his skin and going taut. He pushed himself shakily to his hands and knees, his vision swimming as he shot Mado the most disgusted, vehement glare he could muster. He could feel his body shuddering, his breath shaky and his mind whirring, ears ringing and pincers clicking, and he bared his teeth. "Oho! What's that look for? Do you really think you can fight me?"
"You honestly want to try me?" Kaneki's voice had been thick, and he knew the RC suppressants had been laced with a sedative. He knew. He knew he could not win this fight. But he'd gone on, desperate to fix this one thing, desperate for Ryouko to just fucking run. She didn't. She was frozen in place, wilted more thoroughly than the crumpled, leathery wings of her kagune that gathered at her sides. She had no will left. She'd already sacrificed herself.
She was already dead.
Mado had turned toward Kaneki. In the daze of his vision, in the shuddering sight that fed into his brain, he saw Mado tighten his grip on his quinque. Kaneki forced himself to sit upright, his glower still going strong, his teeth bare and flashing in the gray slates that poured down upon them.
It hadn't occurred to Kaneki until it was far too late that Mado was winding back in the wrong direction.
"Wait, no—!" Kaneki had lurched forward, nearly diving into the path of the snapping, bone-like quinque, but a pair of arms had snatched him up from behind and yanked him back. Kaneki watched in horror as the spiny whip smashed into Ryouko's skull, causing it to tear itself unceremoniously from the weak grip her spinal cord seemed to have on it. Blood erupted into the bullets of rain, unstoppable in its quest to stain the street crimson.
Kaneki had heard himself screaming as blood and bits of brain splashed in a burst of warmth across his cheeks.
He didn't remember much after that.
But he'd woken up on that stiff fucking mat, staring at the slate gray ceiling, and thinking to himself dully, Why is heaven so damn gray?
Now he felt like he was losing his grip.
He couldn't even save Fueguchi Ryouko. How the hell was he going to save Anteiku?
They hadn't listened to a word he'd said. He might as well be trash, disposable at any given moment! It was hopeless. He'd already lost.
He couldn't get the CCG to even consider ghoul life to be even remotely valuable. He'd failed.
He was a solid fucking failure.
Training his body didn't make him feel sane. He did the things he was used to doing, the things he'd mimicked, picked up from Touka, from Tsukiyama, from Yamori, from Rize, from even simple glances at some shounen manga. His memory was sharpening, and his dreams were filled with flashes of what had been, what could be, and it made him wake up screaming, his fingers scraping against his tongue, reaching toward the back of his throat to trigger a useless gag reflex.
He had to puke it up, he had to puke it up, he had to puke it up…
Push ups were nothing. Flips? Holy shit, that was easy! He could only keep on going with this routine, punching the air, balancing on his toes, making shows of things he'd only seen once, twice, thrice… and none of it was of his own design. He didn't know where he was, but it was not Kaneki Ken making these movements.
He was just going through learned motions. Acting out a role he knew he didn't fit.
His first visitor came a few days after his initial arrival. He didn't know how many for sure, which was bad. He'd mapped out the progression of his own story from here, and he was scared. He didn't know how long he'd be here, and he knew… he knew Touka. He knew what might happen if he didn't warn her to stand the fuck down.
Anyway, his first visitor arrived with a copy of The Divine Comedy. It was slid into a little pocket in the wall which shot over to the other side. Kaneki picked it up gingerly, weighing it in his shackled hands as Amon glowered down at him.
Yep. He was still pissed.
"You didn't have to do this," Kaneki blurted, his fingers tightening over the thick, minimalistic red cover. He figured it had all three books inside, which made him slightly giddy. It had been such a genuinely thoughtful gesture, and Kaneki appreciated it more than he could say.
"No." Amon's voice was sharp. Biting. He didn't have any chill to him, not even a little bit. Amon wasn't like Kaneki in that aspect. Amon was burning with his rage, with his bitter disappointment, and he could have left Kaneki to rot, but instead he'd come and delivered a gift and glared a searing pit into Kaneki's soul. Amon wanted Kaneki to know how distinctly furious he was. And it really did hurt. "I did not."
"So…" Kaneki shifted uncomfortably under the furor of Amon's gaze. "Um… do you… want an apology?"
"How about we start with what you're apologizing for," Amon said briskly, laying his hands flat on the shelf connected to the glass that divided them. "Go on. Tell me."
"Uh…?" Kaneki closed his eyes so Amon wouldn't see them roll back into his head. "Defending a ghoul? I guess?"
"You guess?"
"I don't really want to apologize for that," he said vacantly, opening his eyes and shooting Amon a cool stare to match his fiery glare.
"Do you want to be stuck in here forever?" Amon snapped, his thick eyebrows knitting together, wrinkles of confusion and rage lining his forehead beneath his neatly combed bangs. "Listen to me. What you did… it was stupid. Probably the stupidest thing I've ever seen."
Kaneki nodded casually, closing his eyes as though he were agreeing with the fairness of the afternoon. He didn't even know if it was afternoon. The time of day escaped him.
"However, it was really brave." Amon exhaled sharply. He stared into Kaneki's eyes, and he shook his head fiercely. "You are a nice kid. You really, genuinely are a nice person, and that's why I'm so angry. You don't deserve this."
"And yet…?" Kaneki cracked a smile, which only made Amon scowl. He let the smile drop, and he sighed guiltily. Damn. "Amon… thank you, but… I'm actually not really all that nice."
"I'm just going to stop you right there." Amon held up one hand, his scowl deepening. "Honestly. You're a little ridiculous. I don't want to hear about your insecurities right now, Kaneki, they don't matter. What matters is that you seriously screwed up!"
"I know," Kaneki sighed. He bowed his head, his grip on the book tightening. He raised his eyes to Amon, and he smiled thinly. "I couldn't save her."
"You're going to rot in here!" Amon's palm slammed against the shelf. Hard. Kaneki couldn't help but jump. "You might die!"
Kaneki swallowed back the words that had bubbled up inside his throat.
I'm already dead.
I should have died already.
I should already be dead.
But those words were accompanied by a heartbeat thundering inside his throat, gobbling them all up, and reminding him that he was alive.
"I did what I thought was right," Kaneki said calmly. "I won't apologize for that."
Amon stared at him, his jaw clenching as he searched Kaneki's face fervently.
"What?" Kaneki leaned forward, peering through the glass and letting his eyes flash wide. "Was I wrong to want to save a defenseless woman?"
"She fought us," Amon said defensively, shaking his head. "No, she could've survived that! But she fought. She was just another stupid ghoul, Kaneki!"
"Ghouls aren't stupid!" His eyes widened for real, and he could hear the offense taken to his voice. "They're people! Whether you like it or not, they're people who think and feel and die just like humans do!"
"And they hunt us for sport."
"Not all of them!" Kaneki looked down at his wrists, the chains of his cuffs pooling into his lap. "If ghouls were naturally predatory… if they were hunters…" Kaneki looked up suddenly, his eyes widening in alarm. "If they all hunted humans, don't you think the human race would be extinct by now?"
"What?" Amon asked flatly.
"Think about it!" Kaneki let his hands splay in midair, his voice heightening excitedly. He felt like he'd made a breakthrough. "Ghouls have been around since… well, honestly as long as I can remember, which means it's probably been decades, centuries… but we don't know where they come from, so they're probably an offshoot of our genus, or something." Kaneki winced, and he smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, science isn't really my specialty, but you get what I'm saying right? There are obviously some terrible ghouls out there, but you can't just demonize a whole species."
"Yes," Amon said flatly, "I literally can. Ghouls are, quite frankly, demonic." He was annoyed. Oh shit, was he annoyed, he was just pinching the bridge of his nose, his jaw clenched, all rigid and scowling. It would have been funny if Kaneki didn't feel so strongly, and if he actually didn't like Amon. "Ghouls eat people. Stop defending them."
"We don't exactly have a choice, you know," Kaneki said coldly. Amon's eyes didn't soften like they usually did when Kaneki reminded him that he was, in fact, a ghoul.
"Will swallow your pride for ten seconds and listen to me?" Amon hissed. Kaneki stared at him expectantly. He jerked a finger behind him, pointing directly at the upper left hand corner of the room. Kaneki followed his arm, and saw that there was a camera there. Ah. Shit, right. That could be a real problem. "Everything you say here is going to be taken into account. They might not let you go this time, Kaneki, you might…!" Amon's voice seemed to die in his throat, his words caught hastily before they could spill out. The effect had been made, however.
"Amon…" Kaneki sighed. He closed his eyes, and he shook his head. "I didn't come to the CCG to hurt innocent people. And because I'm a ghoul, I know that there is more value to them than just mindless man-eating monsters. Life is not that simple."
"You value life because you're human," Amon insisted. "You care because you are human! You are never going to convince anyone that ghouls are anything more than garbage."
"Then I'm garbage," Kaneki said coolly. His throat was tight and his hands were shaking and he couldn't shake the hollowness that swallowed him up inside, the open hole in his chest that devoured all feeling and made him inexplicably numb. He wished he could feel the pain he knew was attacking his senses, beating at his mind, but some part of him must have shut it out for defensive reasons, so now all he felt was perfect emptiness.
"That is not what I'm saying." Amon was glaring at him furiously, as though that would make Kaneki feel any better about what he was saying.
"I don't really care, Amon." His grip tightened on the crimson hardcover of The Divine Comedy, his knuckles white as he tried to force the shaking to stop. "Thank you for the book, but you probably have a lot of work to do. You should go."
Amon actually look hurt. Maybe he was shocked that Kaneki, who'd been trapped in isolation for days, was kicking him out of prison. Or maybe Amon just was one of those people who actually cared. Cared too much, in fact. Amon had a terrible habit of wearing his emotions on his sleeve when they became a bit too strong, and Kaneki knew that this had truly wounded not his ego, but his heart. It was likely that Amon had come prepared to argue all day until Kaneki relented, and Amon could run back to whoever the hell was in charge and happily declare Kaneki desensitized.
"Fine," Amon said briskly. He stood up from his chair, turning away from Kaneki sharply. "I'll be back."
Kaneki was surprised. Amon actually wanted to come back to visit him again? Was he fucking joking?
"Yeah? And what if I don't want you to come?" Kaneki snapped.
Chill. Real chill.
Amon stopped at the door, his eyes flashing heatedly.
"You won't have much of a choice, will you?" he snapped right back.
They were acting like children. They were disputing like angry little kids. And, Kaneki supposed, that was a normal thing. Normalcy didn't come easy, but with Amon, Kaneki felt enough at ease that he could enjoy this banter. The shitty thing was, this wasn't harmless. He was really angry at Amon, and Amon was really angry at him, but did that mean they had to stop being friends?
It was weird. What kind of friendship could ignore such blatant bigotry?
But Amon was gone now, and Kaneki was escorted back to his cell without another word. A guard had torn The Divine Comedy from his grasp, shoving Kaneki back into his room and letting the door slide shut without so much as an explanation. It made him overwhelmingly sad, but that sadness would not spill into the hollowness of his chest cavity, so he was left with the stinging effect of tears in his eyes, the vicious thoughts of loathing and disgust thrashing his brain, but no real comfort in the tears, no real emotion seeping through the barrier.
He was just fucking empty.
This wasn't new. This was, in fact, old news.
This was how things had felt after he'd been tortured.
He remembered. Touka had been hurt. That had made him so fucking angry, so fucking disgusted and enraged, but… but those feelings had not truly reached his heart. Even after, even when she'd begun joking and smiling and offering out her hand, expecting him to come along obediently, he'd felt nothing. It had been almost too easy to just abandon her there.
Abandon. That was a good word for it.
He'd just fucking abandoned Touka. Like she'd been a scrap of trash, or something.
Touka cared so fucking much… and he cared so fucking little… and it just never added up. It wasn't fair. Nothing could work, not when they were both two vicious extremes circling on another, passion and passivity pushing and pulling each other apart.
It wasn't fair.
Eventually the book had been returned to him, so Kaneki assumed it had been checked for like, weapons or something. It made sense, but it didn't make him any less bitter.
Thinking about Touka made him scared. He couldn't explain it, the simultaneous throttle of sadness and fear and disgust, so fucking dulled by the layer upon layer of carefully applied hollowness that it only made him feel like his mind was leaking out of his ears. This kind of emptiness could drive a man insane.
In fact, it probably already had.
Reading Inferno didn't help. It made Kaneki feel like he was the one in hell.
And maybe he was.
Time was falling past him, and he was losing track of it rapidly. He did exercises, slept, drank the fucking concoction they gave him, let himself be picked and prodded at under a curtain of anesthesia, and he read Dante's ornate poem until his eyes burned from exhaustion. And then it all repeated.
Well. It was hopeless. She'd really fucked up this time.
Her scuffed black shoes scraped against the pale brick, her bag swinging at her side as she came up to Anteiku, thinking bitterly about classical literature and just the all around bogus shit that it revolved around. She paused, reeling back for a moment as she noted the sign on the door had been flipped to CLOSED. Well, that was fucking weird. Was today supposed to be her day off? She couldn't even remember, her brain was so fried after that goddamn fucking test.
"Good morning," she called dulling, shouldering Anteiku's door open, her hands stuffed in her sweater pockets.
"Touka."
She glanced at the counter, and she relaxed. Yoshimura was standing there, and it made her stomach tie into an anxious knot, because she had to admit to her failure. God damn it.
"Ah, sir, you're here after all," she said, gesturing vaguely behind her. "The sign's flipped the wrong way." She shook her head, kicking the door closed behind her. "More importantly, just listen to this! I failed my test." She could hear the ba-dum-tis of an imaginary drum that signified that her life was a joke.
"Touka…" Yoshimura sighed, and in that soft, resigned voice she could hear his age crinkling through him. "Could you come upstairs with me?"
The knot of anxiety that had appeared after she'd gotten her shitty test back intensified into something like a pit of snakes twisting and writhing around inside her stomach. She could feel the shakiness of her smile as she tilted her head.
"Uh… sure?" she offered, watching him move around the counter and to the stairs. She followed him slowly, wary of the situation. Was this about that asshole, Nishiki? The arrangement hadn't been as bad as she'd expected, but she'd been gone for a few days, deciding to stay with Yoriko and suffer through the meals as they studied for exams. She just couldn't take Nishiki being there as she stressed out, pouring over notes and textbooks and shit. He'd just make fun of her, or call her stupid.
Yoshimura led her to the room where they'd all met to discuss Nishiki. Koma and Irimi were sitting down, watching her with the most uncomfortably defeated expressions, while Yomo stood with his arms folded, glancing at her with his usual inscrutable gaze. Beside him, fucking Nishiki was leaning against the wall, wearing a black trenchcoat similar to Yomo's, but more attune to the asshole's fashion sense. He'd cut his hair since the last time she'd seen him, buzzing an undercut beneath smooth, bleached white curls. He kind of looked like he'd stepped out of a western film about a pop punk bounty hunter or something. He'd probably look really cool if it wasn't fucking Nishiki.
"You look like a fucking nerd," Touka told him blankly.
"Oh, shit," Nishiki said dryly, clapping a hand over his heart. "I'm hit. I'm gonna die. Your shitty ass personality has drained me of life."
"Why the fuck is this nerd here?" Touka snapped, jerking a thumb at Nishiki furiously. Her eyes were on Irimi and Koma, and then she noticed that there was another face watching her vacantly. Unruly blonde waves that didn't reach the dark roots, irritatingly bright brown eyes, and an unnerving little smile that set her teeth on edge. She exhaled sharply, and she turned her attention from Nishiki to him. "You. Oh my god. Boss!" She wheeled around to look at Yoshimura desperately. "What the fuck is going on? Why is a customer here?"
"Nice to see you too, Touka," the boy chirped. Ugh, his voice was so grating, too! Touka-chan! He said it was a weird sing-song lilt. She'd forgotten his name, because he'd been kinda irrelevant, so she'd taken to just thinking of him as Loud Flirt. He was so obnoxious. She'd wanted to punch him a thousand times, but she was just plain old good at her job, and she prided herself on good customer service.
"I'm out," she muttered, turning toward the door. Yoshimura caught her by the arm, and she groaned. She returned to her place with a scowl.
"I've never seen you look so miserable, Touka," Loud Flirt said softly, hanging over the back of the couch to stare at her. "Aw, even your pout is cute!"
"I'm not pouting," she sneered at him. "Look, no offense, but why the hell are you fucking here?"
Loud Flirt's face softened a bit, and he offered a meager shrug.
The room had become uncomfortably silent.
Touka realized how heavy the atmosphere was. Nishiki had lowered his head, not really looking at her, and Koma and Irimi had also averted their eyes sharply. Yomo jerked his face sharply away so he didn't have to look her in the eye. Only the Loud Flirt held her gaze, and even then his eyes had become muddy and distant.
"Did something happen…?" She wanted to take a step back and flee. Yomo's presence had set off alarms in her head. Yomo didn't like to show up. She didn't know why. Maybe it cramped his loner style.
Beside her, Yoshimura lowered his head. It was a sign of reverence. Her breath caught in her throat.
"Mrs. Fueguchi…" he began in a low, throaty voice, "was… killed by the ghoul investigators."
Touka's entire body went rigid as though she'd been submerged in a bathtub full of ice. That writhing snake pit of anxiety that had built up inside her stomach seemed to explode, sending angry vipers to slither and snap, worming through her insides and attacking her vitals. She wanted to explode too.
"It seems… she was protecting Hinami."
Touka couldn't take it. She listened to her molars clench together, and her hands became fists at her sides.
She slammed her fist into the wall, listening to the resounding crash, reveling in the vibrations that danced through the bones of her arm and settled in pinpricks around her shoulder. She was already exploding. She was a fucking bomb that went off periodically. There was no real stopping it.
"Ryouko…" she exhaled shakily, her entire body hyped up on her rage like it was a fucking drug, one of those pricey mind-melting things that lowlife humans salivated over. Her head was hazy and her heart was palpitating. "Where's Hinami?"
"She's asleep inside."
Touka couldn't even feel relieved. She was disgusted.
"And her face?" she whispered. "Did they see it?"
Yomo was quiet. Yoshimura was quiet. They were all so fucking quiet.
Fuck, Touka thought in shock, fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking—!
"Unfortunately… it seems she wasn't able to deal with it…"
"Fuck…" Touka exhaled, lowering herself into a crouch as the shock battled her rage, sapping her of her energy. "What the fuck…?" She closed her eyes, listening to her heart pounding inside her ears. "This is the worst…"
"For now I have decided to shelter Hinami at Anteiku…" Yoshimura sounded sad, but calm. She sorely envied his composure. "When the time is right, I am considering sending her to the twenty fourth ward…"
Her entire body went rigid, shock pulsing through her like lightning before dissipating in favor of her every winning rage.
"Is that a joke, manager?" she shrieked, springing to her feet and shooting him the nastiest fucking glare. "There's no way Hinami can live alone in that shithole! We should just kill the doves!"
"Touka."
Her eyes flashed to the Flirt's face. She'd forgotten he was even there.
It occurred to her that she'd just really, really, really fucked up.
In her shock, in her fear, in her utter rage, she found herself approaching him. He was human. She could smell it on him, the distinctness of something meant to be prey. A human boy couldn't be here. He couldn't know that they were ghouls.
He had to die.
"Touka, no!" Koma gasped. She knew her eyes had turned black, and she could feel her kagune itching be released. Suddenly she was grabbed by the arm. She shot a fierce glower up at Yomo, her nostrils flaring in disgust.
"Hey." The boy was calling out to her in a soft voice, and her reddened eyes slid toward him, flashing beneath her heavily veined lids. "I know you want to kill me, but I would really advise against it."
"Who the fuck are you?" she snarled.
"Nagachika Hide," he reminded her gently. "I'm a very human friend of Kaneki Ken. I hope you remember him?"
She grimaced. "That asshole?" she muttered, her shoulders squaring. Yeah, she remembered that guy. He'd refused to fight her, and he'd been such an entitled shithead. She wanted to send his scrawny ass back to hell. Then she realized. "That asshole is a dove!" She looked up at Yomo with wide eyes. "Don't tell me… don't tell me he's the one who—!"
"You're jumping to some pretty harsh conclusions," Hide cooed.
"You," she snapped at him, pointing at him and sneering. "You shut the fuck up!"
"Touka," Yoshimura said softly. "Kaneki has been captured by the ghoul investigators."
"What?" She yanked her arm away from Yomo, whirling to face Yoshimura. "Excuse me? How can he be captured by the doves when he is a dove?"
"I saw a good portion of it," Koma admitted, bowing his head. "I… I wish I could have done more for Kaneki and Ryouko, but honestly, I didn't expect those doves to hurt one of their own."
Hurt…?
The immensity of the guilt that spread through her suddenly could not be quelled. It was so strong that it suffocated the flames of her fury. Her kakugan dissipated, and her kagune no longer stirred beneath her skin, and she felt herself sinking into the shock of it all.
"That guy…" she said distantly, "was hurt…?"
Hide was watching her dully. His arms hung limply over the back of the couch, and he lowered his chin against it.
"After Hide brought Hinami back to Anteiku," Koma said cautiously, his eyes lowered at his hands, "he asked me to make sure Kaneki was okay, because he'd said that he was going to do something stupid. By the time I got there, I could only really hide in an alley and watch Kaneki try and defend Mrs. Fueguchi from the doves."
"Well he obviously didn't try hard enough," Touka whispered bitterly.
"Kaneki was shot with an RC suppressant," Hide told her in a bored tone. "You might not know what that is, so let me explain. RC suppressants make it temporarily impossible for ghouls to manifest their kagune or heal from the damage done to them. From what Koma told me, I suspect the bullet contained not only an RC suppressant, but some kind of heavy duty sedative, because immediately Kaneki was pretty much incapacitated."
Touka swallowed hard. The guilt wouldn't go away. She was shocked, and she was scared, and most of all she was angry at herself for being so fucking judgmental.
"How do you know shit like that…?" she asked, suspicion dripping into her voice.
Hide watched her, his eyes heavily lidded, and she watched him hide a smile into the leather back of the couch. "I did my research," he replied, sounding painfully earnest. Yet, for some reason, she didn't believe him.
"I don't believe this…" Touka clapped her hand over her forehead, gritting her teeth in frustration.
"Neither do I," Hide said brightly. He lifted his head, and he shrugged. "I can't really believe Kaneki's this stupid. Because now he's in jail, right?" Hide laughed. It was a bitter sound. "And one of the investigators who works with Kaneki came ringing me up, telling me that I had to convince Kaneki to stop defending ghouls or else he'd die."
"You didn't tell us that, Nagachika," Nishiki said sharply.
"It didn't seem important, Nishio," Hide said faintly, glancing at the asshole innocently. "I can't convince Kaneki to do anything, so there was no point."
"Would you try to convince him, though?" Irimi asked coolly.
Hide glanced back at her. His eyebrows had raised significantly. "Miss Irimi, Kaneki is my best friend. And I don't want him to hate me. So no. I wouldn't try, even if it meant I was saving his life." Hide sighed, rubbing the back of his neck and standing up. "Okay, I know this is weird for you guys. You're not used to trusting humans, right? But I won't sell any of you out, and I'm going to stick around here, because Kaneki told me to take care of Hinami, and at this point it's all I can do to help him, I think."
"Kaneki doesn't even know Hinami," Touka hissed. "He doesn't know any of us! Why?" She glared at Hide, feeling so disgusted with herself that she could vomit. "Why does he care?"
"I don't know, Touka," Hide told her gently. "He just does."
"That's bullshit!"
"I don't really know him," Koma said, leaning back in his seat, "but I know for sure that I'd trust that guy. You didn't see him, Touka. He was ready to die to save Ryouko. He gave her a chance to run, and she didn't. Don't blame him for this."
She exhaled, squeezing her eyes shut and wishing she could clock this stupid boy in the face so she'd stop feeling guilty about what had happened. It wasn't fair. If she'd been here… if she'd gone to see what had happened instead of Koma, maybe Ryouko would still alive, and maybe Kaneki would still be here. And maybe he could be working at Anteiku, since he clearly cared about the place so fucking much.
"You're right," Touka muttered through gritted teeth. "I shouldn't blame Kaneki. It's the fucking doves' fault!"
No one said anything. Hide merely closed his eyes, Yomo was watching her with his usual unreadable face, and Nishiki nodded. That annoyed her the most, honestly.
"We should kill them all," she declared.
Hide laughed. She looked at him sharply, a growl starting at the back of her throat. He threw his hands up defensively.
"Ah, sorry!" he smiled sheepishly. "It's just, you really aren't what I expected!"
"What do you mean?" she snapped. "You're shocked that I'm not the shy, jittery idiot I pretend to be downstairs so you keep giving Anteiku money?"
"No, I knew that was an act." Hide's expression was soft, and Touka found herself increasingly put off by this boy. He was almost frightening charismatic. She hated that. "I'm just surprised. You're really quite bloodthirsty, aren't you, Touka?"
Her eyes narrowed at him, and her nails dug into her palms, tight enough to draw blood at any given moment.
"I could literally eat you for fucking breakfast, you piece of shit," Touka spat at him. "Stop patronizing me!"
"Wow…" Hide's eyes widened. And then he beamed at her, leaning forward excitedly. "Touka, you really are scary! If you yelled at Kaneki like that he'd probably piss his pants, ha ha!"
"I'm fucking out of here," Touka growled, turning away and marching past Yoshimura.
As she stalked down the hall, she heard Hide's bright, obnoxiously loud voice.
"I think she handled that really well!"
She really hated this guy.
"You look tired," Kaneki remarked.
Amon hadn't spoken for the duration of his time sitting across from Kaneki. It had been nearly ten minutes of silence, which hadn't really bothered Kaneki much because he'd intended on giving Amon the silent treatment, but this was pretty worrying at best. Amon was acting strangely. His fire wasn't gone, but it seemed like it had been redirected. He was furious, and he was determined, and he wasn't really all there.
"Are you talking to me now?" Amon asked dully.
"Well," Kaneki sighed, "you know, I've been locked in here for about a week… and to be honest, Amon, being stuck in isolation does things to your head. Talking to you is better than nothing, I guess."
Amon nodded curtly. "That's fair," he said. "However, you're still stuck in here indefinitely."
"I figured." Kaneki closed his eyes, and he shifted his chains thoughtfully. "I finished The Divine Comedy."
"All of it?"
"Yeah."
"Hm." Amon really did sound distant. It was troubling, to say the least, and Kaneki wondered if he'd even answer if asked what was wrong. "I'll bring you another book next time."
"That's not really necessary…" Kaneki felt guilty for the first book anyway. Even though he actually really did want another book to read, because now he felt his emptiness more than ever before, and it was making him jittery, making him skitter and jitter and choke. He could hear pincers clicking in his ears more often than not.
"I'll bring you another one as soon as I can." Amon wasn't looking at him. He was looking over a case file.
Kaneki leaned forward curiously, his nose nearly brushing the dividing glass. "You guys busy without me?" he joked. It was in poor taste, he knew, because he'd done this to himself.
"There's been a lot of ghoul activity in the twentieth ward," Amon admitted, never looking up. "Since the Binge Eater is dead, courtesy of your unfortunate date, that's definitely one dangerous ghoul off the list. But more and more ghouls are showing up. First there was that college student who attacked you, Nishio Nishiki. He's probably long gone, judging by how thoroughly he'd infiltrated human society. He's clearly very intelligent. Then there was that mother ghoul you were defending for God knows whatever reason. Her daughter hasn't been caught yet, unfortunately, and we haven't uncovered any leads. Mado said to ask you, since you mentioned her to the mother ghoul." Amon raised his eyes at this. "I told him even if you knew something, you'd never tell me."
Kaneki almost smiled. He grimaced instead. "You'd be right," he said.
"Uh huh." Amon looked to be clinging to his composure by a thread. He'd rolled his eyes very subtly. "Anyway, there's also the Gourmet."
Fuck. Kaneki had twitched at that. Amon had noticed, raising his eyes and watching him suspiciously. Honestly. Fucking Tsukiyama.
"Do you know anything about him?" Amon asked calmly.
"Unfortunately," Kaneki said in a cool voice, "I'm not actually the reigning supreme ghoul encyclopedia."
"You flinched when I said Gourmet."
"I did not?"
"Yeah you did." Amon rested his hand on top of his files. "Listen. If you cooperate, they might let you go."
"Why do you care so much if I rot in here or not?" Kaneki murmured.
"Because you don't deserve this!" Amon's voice raised, and that fire had returned full force. "Cochlea is a place where ghouls with valuable information are kept. It's for the scum of the earth! Where ghouls suffer solitude in payment for their crimes!"
"I haven't done anything wrong," Kaneki whispered.
"Exactly." Amon exhaled sharply, his body relaxing a bit. "This isn't justice. This is cruelty."
"But only when it's me, right?" Kaneki said flatly. "Only when it's a former human."
"You're still human."
Kaneki couldn't deny that, he supposed. So he smiled, and he leaned back in his seat. "I've heard about Gourmet," he admitted.
"Oh?" Amon's eyes narrowed. "From who?"
"No offense, but you guys leak information to the public all the time." He was trying to think of an explanation really fast. "Anyway, Hide said something about it. I wouldn't bother asking him, though, he probably knows less than you do."
"Ah. Right. Nagachika." Amon nodded, and Kaneki was relieved. "That makes sense. He clearly enjoys research."
"How do you know that?"
Amon glanced at him. He gave a meager smile. "He asked me if I was named after Amon Ra, Amon of Judah, or Ammon the demon."
"Oh. Yeah, sometimes he just knows weird stuff like that…"
"Has he come to visit you?" Amon was trying to sound casual, but Kaneki could hear an odd strain in his voice.
"No." Kaneki didn't feel bitter. He'd actually just assumed that Hide wouldn't even be allowed in to see him. "It's not really surprising."
Amon didn't say anything else. He merely looked back at his ghoul files, and he sighed. "Other than the Gourmet," he continued on, "there's the Rabbit."
Kaneki was careful not to give any clear reaction to that. Even though he was inwardly panicking.
Damn it, Touka.
"The Rabbit?" he asked in his most curious little voice.
"An ukaku type ghoul with a rabbit mask attacked two investigators recently," Amon said flatly. "They succeeded in killing Kusaba Ippei."
"Kusaba…" Kaneki remembered him. He'd been there when Ryouko had been killed. Oh, he remembered all of it now. This was when Touka had come to work with the bleeding arm.
If you died, Touka, I would probably be… sad.
He closed his eyes. That had been a different life. He wasn't there to tell her such things now. Because it was different now anyway. He wouldn't just be sad if Touka died. He'd be utterly shattered.
"We suspect they're connected to the mother and daughter ghouls." Amon tapped his finger against the file, watching Kaneki with a sharp gaze. "If you have any information regarding any of them, you should tell me. Then you'll be free."
"That sucks." Kaneki made a whining sound, leaning back in his seat and jingling his chains. "I can't tell you anything if I don't know anything, Amon."
"I see." Amon nodded. This time, Kaneki couldn't really tell what he was thinking. "Fine, then. But, Kaneki, I really would be more concerned if I were you."
"About the Rabbit ghoul?"
"No," Amon said quietly, staring into Kaneki's eyes. "About what the CCG plans on doing with you."
"I'm still an important resource to them, right?" Kaneki smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry, Amon. I'm not going to die just yet."
"But what happens when you're not longer important?" Amon shook his head. "No. You need to reconcile with the CCG as soon as possible, Kaneki."
"That doesn't sound easy."
"It might be," Amon sighed, "if you just would listen to me."
Kaneki didn't respond.
Because the more he thought about it, the more he realized that Amon was probably right about something. His pride was what was keeping him locked in Cochlea.
Even after Amon left, that fact haunted him. Because Touka had made her presence known to the CCG, and that meant… that meant that Mado would find her. Somehow. Some way. And Amon would be with him.
And if Amon was with him, then Touka did not stand a chance.