He'd tied together at some point that the only way Touka would face off against Mado was if she planted that fake evidence at the CCG. Kaneki had been there the first time, but his presence had not been crucial to the event. It was likely Touka would go to the CCG by herself to buy Hinami time. Either way, Kaneki's own time was already running out.
And at this point, he was beginning to panic.
He regretted it. Not listening to Amon when he'd had the chance. He couldn't get a hold of any guards to announce that he wanted to negotiate terms and get the fuck out of here. The only time he was ever graced with human presence was when he was too drugged to think cohesively or use his tongue to communicate. So all in all, he was trapped.
His life was just waiting for Amon to show up again so Kaneki could admit he was wrong. It had only taken a day of pondering to make Kaneki crack. The horror of Touka being stuck fighting both Amon and Mado while protecting Hinami was just too heavy. Kaneki would swallow his pride to prevent it from happening.
Finally Kaneki was dragged out of his cell again, shackled and plopped in that uncomfortable plastic chair and forced to stare through the dividing glass. He'd been under the assumption that Amon had come again, which he'd mentally prepared himself for, but he'd been wrong.
"Mr. Shinohara…" Kaneki's hands clenched in his lap, wringing anxiously as the man watched him with a mix of disappointment and pity.
"Hello, Kaneki." Shinohara folded his hands on the shelf before him, straightening up. "You look surprised."
"I wasn't expecting you," Kaneki admitted, panic flooding him. If Shinohara was here, what did that mean? Were Amon and Mado busy with…?
"Considering the twentieth ward's increasing spike in activity, Amon couldn't make it here." Shinohara grimaced. "I doubt Mado has ever visited. Is that a correct assumption?"
This was all so bizarre. Even as Kaneki nodded, he felt like he was in a dream.
"Well," Shinohara continued with a shrug, "nothing to worry about. The twentieth ward is pretty short on field investigators, so Amon and Mado are doing double the work they'd do at headquarters."
"I see…" Kaneki sunk into his seat, anxiety only worsening as it whittled him away. He had to hurry. He had to swallow his pride and make a move. "Mr. Shinohara… are you disappointed in me for trying to save a ghoul?"
Shinohara watched him in an odd way, similar to how Amon had kept glancing at him in his past visits. There was no questioning it, no matter how Shinohara answered. He was clearly disappointed.
"I don't know you very well, Kaneki," Shinohara said thoughtfully, his expression softening. "And of course you know me even less. But I can tell that you're an idealist, so I guess it was only a matter of time before this happened."
Kaneki wasn't given any relief because of Shinohara's kind words. It only made him more anxious, really. Because he still had to convince Shinohara to let him out of this place. He had to fix this. He had to do something right!
"Is there any way I can convince you to let me out of here?" he asked, feeling his distanced emotions only pushing back more and more.
"I would if I could, Kaneki," Shinohara sighed, averting his gaze sharply. "I'm sorry, but you've been deemed a legitimate threat. I'm not sure if the CCG will ever forgive you for what you did."
"I didn't hurt anyone, though!" Kaneki found himself jumping to his feet. That didn't do enough to even surprise Shinohara, who sat placidly behind the glass. "I didn't even attack Mado! I just was trying to…"
"Protect a ghoul." Shinohara closed his eyes. "Kaneki, you really need to understand that as a ghoul investigator and a ghoul yourself, defending another ghoul is enough to warrant this kind of punishment. You should have realized that."
"I knew the risk I was taking," Kaneki said heatedly, his wrists snapping against the chain of his shackles. "But I thought you were going to kill me! If I had known this would be my punishment, maybe I wouldn't have done it!"
"That's a lie," Shinohara said calmly.
"Well, who cares?" Kaneki clenched his fists, and he glowered at his feet. "Mr. Shinohara, what can I say to fix this?"
"It's not that simple."
"It has to be!" Kaneki was growing frantic. His panic was getting the better of him, and he looked desperately down at the man, lurching closer to the glass and watching him with a helpless gaze. "I'm sorry. I messed up, and I know it. What can I do to fix this?"
Shinohara watched him sadly. He exhaled, rubbing his eyes tiredly, and he gestured at Kaneki offhandedly. "Sit down, Kaneki. You're getting way too worked up. Take a deep breath, okay?"
He found his face burning in embarrassment, his mouth falling open as he tried to think of an excuse for his overwhelming displays of emotion. But there were no excuses. How could there be? So he sat back down, his head bowed in shame, and he realized that he might have truly fucked himself over for good.
"From what I understand, you're being kept here for observational purposes." Shinohara gave a little grimace, and he rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Whatever the hell that means. Anyway, they won't kill you. I've heard rumors that you're involved in some huge project authorized by the highest rung."
"Project?" Kaneki repeated flatly. "Excuse me?"
Shinohara looked at him sharply, and he leaned back. "Oh, damn," he said. "Are you not even aware of it?" His eyes widened considerably. "What the hell…?"
"What project?" Kaneki asked quickly, resting his hands on the shelf and leaning forward desperately. "Mr. Shinohara, are they doing something to me?"
"No one knows the details, Kaneki, it's just a rumor." Shinohara winced. "I probably shouldn't have even said anything. I don't want to make you any more worried than you are already. The point is, the CCG hasn't just abandoned you."
"And performing experiments on me is any better?" Kaneki muttered, his bitterness clear as he sunk into his seat.
"Now you're just jumping to conclusions," Shinohara said in a soft, distant tone of remorse. He seemed to feel guilty. Perhaps for letting his tongue slip, and information to leak out. Perhaps because he really was a good guy, and he really did care about Kaneki. It didn't matter at this point.
"I'm scared," Kaneki admitted. "Is that wrong?"
"It's only natural."
"So why did it end up like this?" Kaneki rubbed his face in his bound hands, his shoulders rolling. "I don't think it's fair."
"I told you your life was going to be difficult now, Kaneki," Shinohara said quietly.
Kaneki shot him a weary glare. The man only watched him, his hands folded before him and his head bowed.
"Difficult…" Kaneki's hands clenched in his lap. "I don't think that begins to cut it, Mr. Shinohara."
"I'll try my best to get you out of here," Shinohara said, shaking his head. "But I can't promise anything. You're being held accountable for your actions, and no one can stop that no matter their rank." Shinohara seemed to pause to think about that for a bit. "Except maybe the Washuus. So unless you happen to have some secret connection with them…"
"Wash-who?" Kaneki laughed weakly.
"Exactly."
When Shinohara left, Kaneki only felt more despair encroaching on the barest slivers of hope he still grasped. Amon had warned him that he was going to rot in Cochlea because of his goddamn pride. And now Kaneki was panicking, because what if he was right? What if it was already too late to change anything, and he'd doomed himself and everyone else?
He didn't want to die in here.
Being a prisoner was so mentally trying. He was getting himself so worked up that he felt physically ill, perpetually stuck in a state of whirring nausea. This was not unusual. Kaneki often had anxiety attacks of a similar vein, crippling waves of panic washing over him and causing him to lose the ability to differentiate physical and mental discomfort. It all blurred together in a wicked cocktail of what ifs and what must bes.
He didn't want to die.
He kept forgetting.
Wasn't he already dead?
What if none of this was real?
What if this was all some twisted version of hell?
What can I do, he thought wildly, time passing like a snail inching its way across a lone rock stranded amidst a toiling ocean, what can I do? What can I do to repent? How can I ascend from hell to purgatory?
He was losing his mind.
What was left of it, anyway.
The dreams were getting worse, too.
More vivid.
More real.
He checked his mouth every time he woke, swabbing the inside of his cheeks with his index finger for blood. He was overwhelmed by the thoughts of what had been, what will be, and he feared for the future as he feared the future's past. The fear was only gaining more traction. It fed on his inability to hold on to reality.
Visions swam in his head of a smiling face, the air tasting of blood and rot, and the smile didn't go away even as the tastes became ungodly sweet and made him shudder from disgust and pleasure. He didn't know if this was real or not and it drove him mad, mad, mad with guilt and horror and self-loathing. Why? Why did this happen? Why did it have to happen? Would it happen? Had it even happened?
Who could say?
Rize? Yamori? Kaneki?
He should enjoy it. Right? Just enjoy it, enjoy the way the blood poured down his throat, hot and so temptingly savory, saccharine in all the right ways, and it just made her shiver with anticipation, because after all it was only some dumb little boy who should've known better, right? Anyway, she— they— he— should have made a better meal out of what had been, what might've been.
Yes. He should have made it last. He should have done more than just taste. He should have given his fingers a good cracking and broken the fool's legs. He could have asked with cold ease, "What did your efforts amount to, anyway?" That was so simple. Zero. Zero, zero, zero! And once the taunting settled, that was when the real torture began. Eat the eyes first so the brat could only hear the horror, the chilly words, the whispered insults, the unrelenting laughter, the gnashing of teeth and the tearing of flesh and screams rattling in the air.
And whose screams were they, anyway?
Who was he, anyway?
What did he feel, anyway?
What did his efforts amount to, anyway?
Anyway… his next visitor caught him by surprise.
He was probably a little too unhinged for this one, but he couldn't exactly do anything about it. He felt a mixture of delight and utter panic when he stepped into the usual interrogation room and glanced at the boy sitting behind the dividing glass.
"Hide!" Kaneki nearly stepped back in alarm. In his excitement, he also felt the urge to rush forward, to grin and laugh and maybe even cry. But his thoughts were all behind him, and there were too many personalities cramping the space that was his brain.
"'Sup, dude." Hide was smiling lazily, his elbows resting on the supporting shelf and his fingers twiddling at the foam of his headphones. "You look like hell."
"I feel like hell," he admitted, taking a tentative step forward. He halted, the chains of his cuffs rattling from the abrupt stop. "How did you get the clearance to visit me?"
"I was let in," Hide said vacantly, resting his cheek upon his fist. "No one asked me any questions."
That's a little strange, Kaneki thought. He didn't want to question his good luck, though.
"It's good to see you," he said, nearing the dividing glass. Hide smiled, and he closed his eyes.
"I wish I could say the same, but…" He offered a shrug. "I'm trying that whole confrontation thing. Frankly, I'm a little pissed."
"You understand why I did what I did, right?"
"Sure." Hide opened his eyes, and Kaneki saw how genuine he looked. He smiled, and there was still light in his gaze. Somehow. "I'm not surprised, or anything, just pissed off. I just can't shake this thought, that maybe you want to die or something."
Kaneki couldn't even deny that. He tried to smile, but he knew Hide had seen right through him. There was no avoiding it.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"It's fine, bro." Hide laughed easily. "Like I said, I'm not surprised. So how's Cochlea treating you?"
"Bad."
Hide straightened up. He seemed to suddenly be on the defensive. "Are they doing anything to you?" he asked hesitantly.
"I don't know." He was being honest. He couldn't say what went on at night when the anesthesia kicked in. "Maybe they are, or maybe I'm just going completely insane. I don't know, Hide."
"Shit…" Hide laughed. He gave a small, nervous chuckle, his eyes darting away from Kaneki's face. "That's not good."
"I'm losing hope that I'll ever get out of here," Kaneki sighed.
Hide glanced at him sharply. "Don't say that…" he murmured.
"It's the truth." Kaneki watched him. His eyes darted to the camera in the corner. Hide followed his gaze, turning around to glance up at it. Kaneki didn't have the opportunity to do anything in Cochlea, but Hide… Hide could be his chance. Now how to actually tell him…
"That camera isn't manned," Hide piped up. Kaneki looked at him bemusedly. Hide gave a sheepish little smile, scratching the back of his head. "All the guards are on the floor right now. Listen, tell me what you have to now. Don't worry about the camera."
"But…" Kaneki glanced at it worriedly.
"I'll take care of it," Hide swore. He leaned forward, his eyes bright. "Just tell me."
Kaneki was jittery with nerves, his eyes widening as he tried to formulate the words. He was scared. How could Hide get away with this? How could anything work out from here on out? If Kaneki was caught giving out this information, he could kiss freedom goodbye for sure.
"Kaneki, I'm serious." Hide watched him, his own eyes going wide. "I need you to trust me, okay? No one is going to hear what you tell me."
Trust. That was key, wasn't it? Kaneki hadn't trusted anyone to help him before, when he'd been Centipede. Not even Banjou and Hinami could be trusted in full. Yeah, he didn't even want to think about Tsukiyama, he wouldn't trust that guy with a pet rock. He'd probably throw it in a river under the impression that stone skipping was an impressive skill. So it'd been awhile since he'd really trusted anyone with something this important.
He took a deep breath.
"Touka and Hinami are in danger," he said, his voice quiet. Hide stared at him. He nodded curtly, a signal for Kaneki to continue. "Mado and Amon are planning on luring Hinami out with one of her mother's limbs—"
"What?" Hide's face twisted in disgust. "What the fuck? That's sick! What kind of cruel bastard does that to a child?"
"The kind that doesn't believe she's a real child." Kaneki glanced nervously at the camera. "The CCG is basically just brimming with people who don't consider ghouls to be people. They're just monstrous vermin to investigators. So Mado feels pretty much guiltless for tormenting a kid if the kid's a ghoul."
Hide exhaled sharply. "Okay," he said calmly. "So what do you want me to do?"
"I don't know when it's going to happen," Kaneki said, wringing his hands. "Because of that, I can't give you any direct details. But if Hinami goes missing, you need to go to the river by Kasahara elementary school. You won't be able to stop Touka… honestly, don't even let Touka know you're there, she might hurt you. What you need to do is keep Amon from the river."
"Amon." Hide's eyes narrowed. "Okay, I was following, but now I'm not. Shouldn't I try and keep both of them away?"
"You'll never convince Mado of anything," Kaneki sighed. "His instincts are way too good. I know it's risky, but one investigator is better than two, and at least with Amon distracted Touka and Hinami have a chance to escape."
"Okay…" Hide looked down at his lap. There was a steady silence that hung like a noose around Kaneki's neck, threatening to choke the life out of him. He had difficulty drawing breaths.
"I'm sorry," he blurted, pressing both hands to the dividing glass, leaning forward desperately. "I'm so sorry for throwing this on you, Hide. It's a lot of pressure, I know, but-"
"Nah, don't worry, buddy." Hide winked, and he grinned. "I've got this."
Kaneki was at a loss for words. "But…"
"I told you to trust me, didn't I?" Hide huffed. "Yeesh! Can you chill? I said I've got this, and I meant it. Just sit tight. I'll save Hina and Touka, and then you'll be out of here in no time!"
"That's way too much optimism!" Kaneki blurted, his lips quirking into a sad smile.
"Who do you think you're talking to?" Hide snorted, and he tipped his chair back precariously. "I'm the finest optimist in the whole of Tokyo. Nothing can rain on my parade!"
"Unbelievable…" Kaneki slouched in his seat, his eyes wide and his mouth parted in awe.
"That's right, that's right, soak it in." Hide waved his hands in a swift cylindrical motion, like a conductor motioning for an instrument to begin playing. "This is what your pessimism has made me. I'm completely Kaneki proof! Your teen angst is super ineffective!"
"Um, okay," Kaneki said flatly. "It's not teen angst, asshole."
"It's kinda teen angst?"
"No? It's really not?" Kaneki flushed, and he scowled. "Stop twisting things!"
"Chill," Hide drawled, his chair clapping back onto the ground. "I'm just fucking with you. Anyway, you'll be out of here soon, so hold tight, kay?"
"Hide…" Kaneki sighed. He rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger, and he shook his head. "Listen, I… I don't know when I'll be getting out. If ever."
Hide sighed. "Kaneki…" He looked at him sharply. "You will get out of here."
"You can't know that for sure."
"Don't you trust me?" Hide asked in a strangely demanding voice. His eyebrows furrowed, and his eyes flashed.
"Well… yes, but—"
"Then do me a favor," he said, smiling thinly. "Stop being such a pessimist. You're gonna get frown lines. You'll go prematurely gray. Just do us both a favor and quit stressing out so much. I can take things from here, so relax for a few days." He stood up, bumping his fist against the glass. "I'm gonna take care of this for you. And when you get out of here, you're gonna stop screwing around and get the CCG to see ghouls as useful assets, and not irredeemable monsters made to paint targets onto."
Kaneki could only sit, stunned into silence. He couldn't smile, or nod, or even look away from Hide as he gave a mock salute and turned away.
"Catch you later, then," Hide chirped. He paused by the door, and he turned around. "I forgot. The reason I came here is because Amon thought that maybe I could convince you to stop defending ghouls."
"That sure worked out," Kaneki said dryly.
"I never said I intended on doing it," Hide laughed. "Anyway, I'll see you soon."
"Okay…" Kaneki watched Hide leave, and he had to wonder.
Just what the fuck was Hide even thinking?
Exhaustion had settled in on her as she leaned on Nishiki for support. He was all but dragging her toward the end of their trek back home, her feet tangling together as the pain in her side steadily increased. She could deal with the pain. It'd heal. She just kept telling herself that, like she could keep moving forward, because if she told herself that she could do it, then it had to be true, right?
"Oh how the tables have turned," Nishiki teased her as they came around the back of Anteiku. She glared at him fiercely. "A few weeks ago I was the one bleeding profusely, desperate for help. Should I take a picture? I want to remember the day you admitted to needing a hand."
"Shut the fuck up," Touka snapped, shoving him away and stumbling back, a shock of agony shuddering through her abdomen. The pain was mostly in her side, but it had spread rapidly to envelope the nerves running above the muscle lacing her ribs. She couldn't help but buckle, her arm caving in to press against the open wound, pain causing her knees to wobble and her teeth to grit. She would not cry. She would not cry. Not in front of Hinami.
Hinami wasn't even looking at her.
Her face was buried in Yomo's shoulder. Her arms were tight around his neck. Touka took a deep breath. It had been worth it. She couldn't feel guilty now.
She was a killer.
This was what killers did.
Lock up all their remorse inside and swallow the key. Compartmentalize. There was no guilt for the monstrous.
"Come on." Nishiki glanced back at her, his eyes dull beneath his glasses. In the dimly lit alley, his bleached white hair looked silvery. He never said anything, but she could tell that the transition back into obscurity was tough on him. Still, it didn't give him an excuse to be even more of an ass than he already was. "Yo. Touka. Gimme your arm, stupid."
"I can walk by myself, shitty Nishiki," she sneered, elbowing past him and following Yomo into the back door. She tightened her arm around her side, breathing in deeply and feeling sweat prickle the back of her neck. She was feeling a little cold.
She forced herself to move forward in spite of the searing pain, her feet scraping across the wood floor, blood pooling into her hand. The light was on in the shop. She jerked to a stop, a wave of wooziness falling upon her. She crashed into the counter for support, her breath labored as she stared at the boy sitting next to the shaded window.
"Hide…?" Hinami lifted her head curiously, rubbing her eyes as she peered down at him. Touka was shaking. She didn't know if it was from rage, or if it was from the unbearable pain of walking for so long with such a grievous wound. She could only clench her side and stare at the smiling boy with wide eyes. Fuck. What the fuck? What had she fucking done to deserve this bullshit? "Hide… Hide's bleeding…?"
Touka looked at Hinami sharply. Her eyes were closed, and her head was tilted back toward the ceiling, her matted brown hair falling limply into the air away from her face. Her nostrils flared as she inhaled sharply.
"Why is Hide bleeding?" she asked in a tremulous voice. Her eyes snapped open, and she twisted to look at Touka wildly. "Sis, we have to help him!"
"I'm fine, Hina," Hide gasped, laughing sheepishly and waving his hands wildly. "Honest! It looks like Touka is the one who needs help."
"Yeah, I need some fucking help," Touka snapped. "Nishiki! Help me rip this guy's trachea out!"
"Bitch, chill." Nishiki swatted the back of her head. "Nagachika's cool, remember? God, you're such a pain."
Touka growled, her face burning with heat in spite of the overwhelming chill that had enveloped her body. When Yomo moved aside to set Hinami down on a chair, she noticed that Hide's leg was being elevated, a reddened bandage wrapped around his calf. She found herself backtracking in guilt, but she couldn't bring herself to apologize, so she simply glowered.
"What the hell even happened to you?"
Hide smiled big, though Touka knew enough about pain to sense the strain there, and he averted his gaze. "Well," he said, rubbing the back of his neck, "it's actually a funny story…!"
Touka watched him expectantly. She nearly leapt out of her skin as a voice rumbled from behind her.
"You might as well enlighten us while Touka's wounds are tended to, Nagachika," Yoshimura said, placing a hand gingerly on Touka's shoulder. She relaxed, and she glanced up at him weakly. Without any much of a choice, she leaned against him and allowed him to lead her to a chair.
"Uh…" Hide whistled lowly. "Wow. Where do I begin? I guess I should start with Kaneki."
Hinami looked up with her swollen red eyes, her lips parting. "Kaneki," she repeated distantly. "He saved me. Hide!" Hinami slipped into the chair beside Hide, leaning very close to him. Touka's jaw clenched. Hide-onii-chan. What the fuck was that about? "Is Kaneki okay? Is he still a prisoner? Can't we help him?"
"I'm working on it, Hina, I swear," Hide gasped, waving his hands furiously in front of her face. His voice went up an octave when he said her name. Hina-chan. This was all so… annoying. "Now that this is over with, it might be easier to get him out. I'm kinda putting my stock in a gamble, but I think it'll be fine."
"What do you plan on doing?" Nishiki asked with a snort. "You gonna break him out? You? Measly human, Nagachika Hideyoshi?"
"It'd take a whole lot of manpower to break into Cochlea, let alone break a prisoner out." Hide looked uncharacteristically serious, his mouth dropping into his folded hands. "Frankly, I didn't even consider it because this place just isn't that strong." He paused, and he glanced around at them, barking a hearty laugh. "Ah! No offense!"
"Offense taken, jackass," Touka told him coldly.
"Please be a little more considerate toward Nagachika, Touka," Yoshimura said as he sat down beside her setting a roll of gauze aside and unbuttoning his sleeves. "After all, he may have just saved your life."
"Excuse me?" she hissed, her arms pressing hard into her side. "This scrawny little shit? What the hell are you saying, boss?"
Yoshimura rolled up his sleeves, and Touka scowled at him. Then, with a huff, she shrugged off her bloodied sweater and grimaced at the sight of the sticky burgundy stain that had formed just above her hip. Gross.
"I didn't fight anyone," Hide piped up. Touka glared at him. He merely ignored it. "Like I was saying, this is about Kaneki. I went to visit him, and he told me about Mado's plan to trap Hina." He shrugged.
"How would he know something like that?" Yomo asked. Touka had almost forgotten he was there. She half unbuttoned her shirt up to her lower chest, peeling back the stained fabric from the gaping, tattered flesh wound, and she hissed.
"Hell if I know," Hide scoffed, leaning back in his seat. "I don't ask Kaneki too many questions, okay? It makes him close up, and frankly I'm not too keen on making him stop talking to me."
"It's not like any of us know actually him." If she sounded bitter, it was simply because she was. She was super bitter. Like, who the fuck did this kid think he was? Both of these kids? These assholes just wouldn't leave Anteiku alone. What was up with that?
"I know he kinda has been keeping his distance," Hide said, "but he honestly loves this place. I don't know why, but he's really determined to protect it, so cut him some slack. He just cares too much, Touka."
"How annoying," she muttered as she tied the lower half of her ruined shirt off behind her back, blood dripping against the dip of her spine. She appreciated that neither Nishiki nor Hide were taking advantage of this sight to make some gross joke at her expense. They were lucky. She would have murdered them.
"Kaneki seems like a good person," Hinami said quietly. She bowed her head, her thin shoulders trembling. "Hide… if Kaneki is a dove… and he's such a good person… then why are the other doves so bad?"
Hide stared down at her. Touka watched him, noting how all joy and humor had vanished from his face. He was looking at Hinami with genuine uncertainty, his mind clearly working to formulate a reply that would be suitable for Hinami's currently delicate emotional state. Yoshimura dabbed at Touka's wound, and she hissed, shrinking back.
"It's not so much that doves are bad," Hide said cautiously. Touka threw him another dirty look, which he promptly ignored. "See, doves… ghoul investigators, they… they are practically programmed to think of ghouls as just an infestation of deadly vermin. They're prejudiced. Ignorant. They lash out at what scares them, at what they can't explain, and refuse to accept that their preconceived notions might be wrong." Hide lowered his eyes toward his lap. "They've always been like that."
"Holy shit, will you get to the point already?" Touka was gritting her teeth. Less because of Hide and more because of the pain she was in. It'd heal soon enough, but for right now it hurt like a fucking bitch, and she just wanted to lie down and sleep.
"I knew about the trap, but when I tried to warn you, Yoshimura told me Hinami had already gone missing." Hide shook his head in disbelief. "I was cutting it real close, right?"
"So…?" Touka glanced at Hide's injured leg as she raised her arm, allowing Yoshimura to wrap the gauze around the bandage he'd applied. She looked closer, tipping her chin down and attempting not to move her body. Her eyes narrowed. "Is that bloodstain the shape of bite marks?"
"Oh shit," Nishiki muttered. "Plot twist."
"No way!" Hinami gasped, grasping Hide's arm and looking up at him with tears swimming in her swollen, bloodshot eyes. "Who did it? No, no, no." Hinami shook her head fiercely. She straightened up in her chair, tears suddenly flowing freely down her face. "Nobody is going to hurt Hide. Big Sis and I won't let any other ghouls near him!"
"I'm doing what now, Hina?" Touka asked in a thin little voice.
"We're going to protect Big Brother Hide!" she declared in a tremulous voice. Touka couldn't even object. Hinami was shaking too badly, and it was clear that she was very serious. Hide looked half delighted by her declaration, but mostly he looked guilty. That was new. She'd never seen that shit eater look anything but self-congratulatory before.
"Okay, Hinami," Touka said gently. "We'll protect him."
"Um, actually," Hide said sheepishly, "this was self inflicted. But I really appreciate the sentiment!"
"How the hell did you bite your own leg like that, man?" Nishiki asked. He sounded weirdly impressed.
"I didn't." Hide winced, rubbing the back of his head. "Okay, so I used to hang out in the art room a lot back when I was in high school. I wasn't an artist or anything, but I did learn a few things."
"Are you telling me that's fake blood? Because it sure smells a whole lot like real blood." Touka hissed, holding the gauze wrapped around her lower abdomen close to her as Yoshimura taped the bandage into place. It was really uncomfortable but she'd be able to remove it in a few hours.
"No, I didn't have time to make realistic looking fake blood," Hide said with a sigh. "Nah, I just mean, I got pretty handy with an x-acto knife. Boom. Perfectly placed shallow bite marks."
"That's ridiculous," Touka told him sharply. "What the hell is wrong with you? First of all I don't know how that fooled anyone!"
"There was a lot of blood, so Amon wasn't really looking at the actual puncture wounds," Hide explained. "Which is pretty lucky, because I started to kinda lose it from the pain near the end, and my hand wasn't steady enough to keep in the lines I traced."
"Second of all," she snapped, jumping up in spite of the blazing pain. "You're insane! Why would you put yourself through that for a bunch of ghouls? You don't belong here! You have no reason to be here!"
"Do you want me to leave?" Hide asked. He looked at her, and his eyes were tired.
"That's not what I said!" She took a deep breath, brushing her sweaty hair out of her eye. "Damn it, you really are stupid. I don't care what you do, but you shouldn't have hurt yourself for our sake. It was our problem, not yours! We didn't ask for your help, so next time don't be offering up any of your fucking limbs just so you can play hero!"
"Touka is right." Yomo looked down at Hide, whose eyes had widened considerably. Even Touka was surprised. Yomo was agreeing with her about something she was clearly just ranting about for the sake of yelling. She was genuinely thankful toward Hide for what he'd done, but she was so pissed at him for hurting himself that it just negated the whole damn thing. "Hide, you are in danger so long as you choose to be around us. We can't subject you to that."
"I did this to myself," Hide objected.
"Why?" Yomo demanded.
Hide stared at him. "I…" He winced. "I didn't know how else to lure Amon away from the river."
"How did you tell him you got away from this made up ghoul?" Yomo asked in a dull voice.
"I said they got into a fight with another ghoul over me," Hide replied calmly. "Amon bought it, and he helped me get to higher ground. Once he did that, he waited with me while I called my emergency line, which… usually is Kaneki, but under these circumstances I chose Anteiku. No one picked up, so I tried a few more times, and by then Amon was getting antsy and he said he had to go. I couldn't really stop him, but I figured I'd wasted just enough time, hopefully. Which!" He flung out his hands at Touka and smiled big. "Tada! It worked. You're alive. You're totally welcome."
"Thank you, Hide," Hinami gasped.
"He didn't even do anything," Touka muttered, falling back into her chair. Pain danced up her side, and she clenched her fists.
"Hide," Yoshimura said suddenly, standing up. They all turned their attention to him, as subjects might fall mute upon the sight of their king. "What Yomo said is true. You face many dangers by choosing to be here, because you, unlike Kaneki, are purely human. But I do not wish to condemn you for that. In fact, if you are willing to put yourself at such extreme risk, I'd rather embrace it. As Hinami said, when it comes to protecting you, we might be the most qualified for the job." He smiled down at them warmly. And then his smile dampened. "That said, I am worried about Kaneki. He's been locked up quite a while, don't you think?"
"Kaneki's strong," Hide insisted. "He'll manage. And like I said, he'll be out soon."
"You sound so sure," Touka said coolly.
Hide only smiled at her in response.
After Hide's visit, Kaneki was even more anxious. If that was even fucking possible. He kept up his workout, feeling that he simply wasn't strong enough yet, and that kept his mind busy for a little while but it was never enough. He wasn't strong enough. This body was overwhelmingly weak, and the shit they were feeding him wouldn't do a thing to help him get stronger.
Should he cannibalize again?
That would require getting out of this goddamn cell. He was pretty sure he was constantly drugged up on RC suppressants anyway, so the consistent working out was really putting a strain on his muscles. He was so exhausted, but he was also just so fucking bored.
Hide didn't come visit him again.
Kaneki was beginning to panic.
What have I done, he thought wildly. He's probably dead. He probably got killed by some ghoul while trying to help me. Touka and Hinami are probably dead too. Oh god. Oh god, oh god, what have I done…?
It was going to kill him. The guilt. The anxiety. He'd done this. He'd ruined everything.
Why was everything wrong all his goddamn fault?
He didn't even know how to prepare himself for the defeat. His friends could be dead. Because he'd gone and fucked everything up. Amazing. Truly, just fucking amazing.
It'd been about a week since Hide had visited him. Kaneki didn't know what to do. He couldn't ask anyone anything, and he was still stuck, locked inside a tiny cell, feeling claustrophobic and isolated, his mind turning to mush as dreams clawed into him and peeled his muscle from his bones.
When would this torment end?
How did one keep sane when the days all blurred and the dreams were devouring the mind and the mind was incapable of differentiating reality and a nonexistent past?
There were other people inside his head whispering lies, and he couldn't puzzle out the truth. He just wasn't that smart.
He just wasn't that strong.
When his door slammed open, he'd been crouched in the corner of his cell, watching his hands and daydreaming up the details of a former life. He imagined looking down at his fingernails and finding them ugly, uneven, discolored, and revolting. Black and yellow swollen beneath the clear shell, blood congealed and sealed underneath.
He didn't look up when the door slammed. He only really began to care that he was being called upon when a familiar scent hit his nose.
"You're actually allowed in here," he murmured, dragging his thumb along the side of his index finger and then roughly applying pressure to the second joint until it cracked, "Amon?"
"Get up."
Kaneki didn't want to. He glanced upward, his head bowed, and his eyes meeting Amon's. The man looked very irritated. Exhausted and lost and maybe even disheveled. Kaneki saw that his eyes were red-rimmed. He smiled.
"Has my time finally come?" he asked, showing his teeth. He shifted his legs so one knee dropped against the floor while he left the other propped up. He offered out his bare wrists toward the giant man. "Let's get it over with."
"Cut the crap, Kaneki," Amon sighed, striding up to him and nudging the bare sole of Kaneki's foot with his shoe. "Get up. You're free, okay?"
A shudder ran through him, and his fake little smile of spite fell away. He stared up at Amon with wide eyes, and he lowered his hands, feeling nothing but coldness dripping through his chest and into the pit of his stomach.
"For real…?" he whispered, his eyes darting toward the door.
"Do I look like I'm kidding?" Amon was clearly not in the mood to fuck around. He wasn't going to respond to Kaneki with any sort of explanation, so it was probably best to give up trying. "Let's go. I don't want to hit rush hour."
Kaneki found himself rising to his feet uncertainly, following Amon out of the cell and feeling at a sudden loss the moment his feet passed the threshold. He was leaving that cell for good. Shouldn't he be feeling… happier?
No. That'd make too much sense.
He walked slowly, watching Amon's back as he listened to his bare feet pad against the cool linoleum floor. Cochlea was just was unbearably bright and white as the 20th Ward's branch headquarters. His eyes were stinging from the sight, and his heart was thudding hard from the sudden adrenaline rush. Freedom.
Should freedom feel more rewarding?
He just felt empty.
Guards were eying him suspiciously. He supposed it was a curious sight. A ghoul trailing calmly behind a Rank 1 investigator, his head high and his eyes sharp. He knew he was probably giving off bad vibes. He knew his own effect on people.
"Can I ask," Kaneki said, speeding up his stride so he was nearly beside Amon, "why now?"
"Does it matter?"
"You said I was going to rot in here," he said coolly. "Yeah. It kind of matters, Amon."
Amon shot him a glower, his dark eyes narrowing down at Kaneki's face. "I don't know," he replied in the same chilly tone.
Well. That got him nowhere.
"How can you not know?" Kaneki snapped.
"Calm down." Amon grabbed him by the upper arm and gripped it tightly, applying enough pressure to make Kaneki wince. "Right now, you're nothing but a human boy, no stronger than an average high school student, so don't start acting so commanding. You're still just a Rank 3 investigator, you know."
"Oh, am I still an investigator?" Kaneki's eyebrows raised quizzically. "I wasn't sure. Considering how rock solid my punishment seemed to be, I thought I was fired for sure."
"You may be freed from Cochlea," Amon told him staidly, "but don't think you have the luxury of escaping the CCG. They won't let you out of their grasp now that you've proven to be useful."
"Am I useful?" Kaneki asked thoughtfully. "Could've fooled me."
"Someone higher up most have gotten their hands on the report I filed about Nishio." Amon rolled his eyes. "The fact that you can control your kagune with such precision overruled your inefficiency in combat."
"So I'm back in the arsenal, huh?" Kaneki sighed. "Well, that's better than this place, at least."
"Your proficiency with your kagune is actually probably the only reason why you were let out," Amon admitted as they entered an elevator. The doors slid closed, and Kaneki watched the silvery reflection, a distortion akin to a funhouse mirror.
"Glad to hear it's good for something," Kaneki said bitterly.
Amon glanced at him, though Kaneki didn't bother to look at him to see how he was being looked at. He figured Amon was in a shitty mood, so it'd be a shitty look anyway.
"I'm sorry."
Oh. Well, fuck.
Kaneki looked up at Amon in alarm, his mouth falling open. Amon had a solemn look upon his face, his lips pulled back into a grimace. Up close, it was clear that he had dark circles beneath his swollen lower lids.
Mado was definitely dead.
Somehow, that didn't make Kaneki happy.
"Why are you sorry?" he asked quietly, guilt squirming into his gut. I was the one who killed your partner, he thought dully. Even if Touka dealt the final blow, it was me. I made it happen. I wanted it to happen. I had the intent to kill, and I acted on that intent. That is murder.
Yes, that was right. He was the murderer. Touka, his weapon. Hide, his accomplice. Hinami, his accessory.
Murderer.
Don't make me a killer.
Hadn't he said that to this man?
Don't make me a killer!
Too little, too late.
A killer he was, a killer he would be.
"You were locked in here for a while." Amon looked down, clearly conflicted. "I'm still angry with you. I think what you did was stupid, and you still need to learn that ghouls are garbage. But it was an honest mistake, I think. You learned your lesson, and you shouldn't have been here for as long as you were. I'm sorry it's taken so long for your release."
Kaneki's guilt was getting the better of him. He wanted to scream. This man wouldn't understand, couldn't understand, and it was all wrong. It was wrong, wrong, wrong!
"I wish I could make you understand," Kaneki whispered.
"You don't regret it at all, do you?" Amon asked him bitterly. He shot Kaneki a glance. And then he snorted. "Of course. Why did I think any different? You're pretty damn dangerous, Kaneki Ken."
"I want to make you understand." Kaneki's hands closed into fists at his side. "Amon, this world is wrong. Isn't it?"
Amon's eyes widened. Of course he couldn't disagree. Kaneki had stolen those words right off his tongue.
"Yes," he agreed somberly.
"Some ghouls are garbage, like you said." Kaneki watched the elevator doors slide open. "However, humans are just the same. In the history of the human race, how many serial killers have popped up? How many humans murder humans for less valid reasons than ghouls? When a ghoul kills a human, usually it's because they have no other choice, right? They didn't choose to become a ghoul. But humans kill other humans out of their own volition. Their own vices, their own sickness." Sickness. That wasn't solely a human attribute either. Even ghouls had mental illnesses. Even ghouls succumbed to the existential rot of depression. "Humans can be monsters too."
Amon stood, staring out the open elevator doors in silence. His jaw was clenched and his brow was furrowed, and Kaneki wondered what he was thinking.
"Humans like that are locked away or killed," Amon said quietly. "As ghouls are."
"You think justice is that fair?" Kaneki was surprised. He let his surprise seep into his tone to the point where he sounded almost sarcastic. "How idealistic of you, Amon."
"What are you saying?" Amon looked back at him sharply. "Of course I believe in justice."
"I'm not asking what you believe in, I'm asking if you think justice is fair in this world." Kaneki brushed past him, moving out of the elevator and turning on his heels to face him. "News flash! It's not. This world has never been fair. Humans are nasty creatures, just like ghouls. We are responsible for atrocities unlike any ever seen in history. We start wars we can't end, and the innocent suffer for our crimes. Where's your justice then?"
Amon stood, tight lipped and glowering. He didn't seem to know how to respond.
"Ghouls aren't like humans, Kaneki," he said quietly.
"You're right," Kaneki said. He smiled, and he offered a meager little shrug. "Humans are like ghouls."
Amon's nostrils flared, and he stepped out of the elevator, his chin lifting high so he could glare down at him. "You have no idea what ghouls are capable of," he said coldly. He marched past Kaneki, his hands clenched into fists at his side. "Enough. I don't want to argue about this any longer. I value you as a friend, Kaneki, and I've already lost enough friends."
Kaneki paused. "Ah…" He glanced over his shoulder at Amon's back. "I'm sorry, Amon. Did…" Kaneki swallowed hard as he turned around. "Did something happen?"
Amon stopped. He stood for a few moments, staring ahead of him at the front doors of Cochlea. His shoulders slumped, and his body seemed to fall into a lapse of numbness.
"Mado is dead," he said in a clipped voice. "The daughter ghoul a killed him about a week ago."
It was a relief to hear it confirmed, but the guilt inside Kaneki's stomach knotted tighter. The daughter ghoul. So they thought Hinami killed him? She'd never be safe.
"I'm sorry," Kaneki repeated. It sounded so dead, so empty, but he could tell that Amon was in such a bad place that he wouldn't even notice or care. That, in Kaneki's opinion, was the saddest part of all of this.
Amon took a deep breath. He turned around, and he glared at Kaneki.
"Stop underestimating ghouls," he snapped. "Stop arguing about it! You aren't important or special, Kaneki. You're replaceable, just like any other soldier, so stop playing the activist and keep your mouth shut!"
"I won't censor my feelings for the CCG's benefit," Kaneki said firmly.
"You need to listen." Amon clenched his fist, bringing it to his lips and glaring away from Kaneki's face as if looking at him was just too painful. "Damn it. Why are you so much trouble? Nobody actually cares if you care about a ghoul's feelings or not, Kaneki. The more you yell about it, the more suspicious people will be, and the more likely you'll wind up in this place again." He gestured vaguely around him at the wonderful inner decor of Cochlea's front desk. The receptionist was sitting there with a puzzled look on his face.
"Well maybe the CCG should be going after actually dangerous ghouls, then?" Kaneki shrugged. "Just saying. Um, anyway, didn't you want to stop arguing about this?"
"You need to understand," Amon sighed. "You're… you're not that important anymore, Kaneki. You're not safe."
"I've never been safe," he said calmly.
"No." Amon stared at Kaneki, his eyes widening. "You don't understand." He enunciated each word like he was spitting in Kaneki's face.
The door opened behind him, a heavy breath of air and a breeze from the chilly November afternoon slipping into the room.
"Mr. Koutarou?" a timid voice called from the door. "I heard you yelling. Is everything okay?"
Kaneki looked past Amon's shoulder, and he found himself freezing up in horror. His body had stiffened in shock, his mouth falling open as he backpedaled rapidly.
Because the boy at the door was his mirror image.