"Yooo! Bring me a coffee, Jeeves!"
Kaneki slammed the door shut in Hide's face.
The suit he had to wear to work at the CCG was no fancier than the uniform at Anteiku. It was simply a black suit coat over an ironed white button down. Kaneki wore a tie. That was about it. It felt no different than a school uniform. Unfortunately it was more expensive than a school uniform, so he'd been given these clothes by Amon a few days before. He didn't know where they'd come from, but they fit him well enough, so he couldn't complain.
Hide poked his head through the door, making a pouty face. "How rude! Do they not teach you manners at the Butler Academy of Butlering?" He kicked Kaneki's door open and strolled in, throwing his backpack onto Kaneki's couch and throwing his body with it about a second later.
"Get your shoes off the couch," Kaneki said, moving quickly to rescue his books from the threat of the coffee mug that sat on the table near Hide.
"Me and Rosebud have a special relationship, Kaneki, I can wear my sneakers if I wanna."
"That's cute," Kaneki said, setting his books aside. "Get your shoes off the couch."
"Yeesh!" Hide stretched his arms behind his head and twisted his body so his legs were dangling off the side of the couch. "Fine, grouchy!"
Kaneki washed out his coffee cup, drizzling soap into it and swiping the inside of the mug with a rag. Hide had sat up on the couch behind him, eyes big and curious.
"So you're starting today, huh?"
"Oh, no," Kaneki laughed, turning his head back to smirk at Hide, "I'm going to a funeral."
Hide smirked right back, giving a minute eye roll to suggest he'd caught on. "Oh yeah? Who died?"
"A good old friend of mine named GPA." Kaneki set his mug into the drying rack, turning to face Hide as he rung the rag in his hands. "God rest his soul."
Hide barked a sharp, obscenely loud laugh. "Godspeed, GPA!" Hide shouted, doing a mock salute at no one in particular. "Quite frankly, you never had a chance!"
Kaneki covered his mouth, his laughter bubbling up in his chest and falling in soft patters from his mouth, like rain battering against window glass. It was nice to just laugh. This felt so light. Everything felt so light for once, like a burden had been lifted for just a few moments, and he could just breathe easy knowing that Hide was here, that Hide was breathing, that Hide knew about Kaneki's struggles and he still came over every day, still loved and trusted and cared for Kaneki for some inexplicable reason.
What had happened in the past— in the future that no longer existed— did not matter. Not when it came to Hide.
"Is this CCG thing gonna conflict with school that much?" Hide gave a little pout. "Why can't you just work part time? Don't they know you're a student?"
"They definitely know," Kaneki sighed, tossing the rag over the edge of the sink. "The CCG has its own school, and it's pretty unusual for someone to be pursuing a degree elsewhere. Maybe people just don't live that long. I don't know."
"Now don't say that," Hide laughed. "You should be safe with the CCG, right? You're not authorized to go ghoul hunting just yet, because you're so completely hopeless at fighting, right?" He laughed some more, and Kaneki smiled. Hide, as brash and bold as he was, was really good at knowing when to say the right things.
"I'm dropping out, Hide." Kaneki continued to smile as Hide's head jerked sharply in Kaneki's direction. The smile was tight and strained. He wasn't happy about it, but school was just too much to handle. It was so stressful, and for someone like him, it needed his full, undivided attention or else there would be a plethora of panic attacks that were simply unneeded.
"You're dropping out of school?" Hide sunk into the couch. All that was visible to Kaneki were tufts of blonde hair and dark roots that never seemed to actually grow out. "Oh. Well, I guess that makes sense. You'll be busy with work."
"I'd give anything to be a normal college student again," Kaneki murmured. "But right now it's impossible."
"You don't need to explain anything to me, bro." Hide stood, catching his backpack on his arm and adjusting his headphones around his neck. "I get it. School would be too much. But…"
Kaneki swallowed. There was a dry patch in his throat that made it difficult to swallow comfortably. He looked down at his hands. He hadn't put on the suit coat yet, so he was just wearing the white shirt and spare tie. He felt like this was a costume. Like he'd outgrown such normalcy like suit-and-tie attire. Did people really fight in these?
"But…?" Kaneki pressed, not comfortable with letting Hide leave with such a string of unbearable possibilities hanging on this one word.
Hide smiled at him sheepishly. "You don't plan on being with the CCG your whole life, do you?"
Kaneki blinked rapidly. It was something he hadn't really considered until this point. Or, really, in a very long time. What did the far future hold for him? Would he live that long? He'd been so preoccupied with the dangers of the present, it never occurred to him that his life was not meant to be long term. A life of hunting and being hunted could never be kept for long, no matter how well adjusted one became to it.
"I don't know, Hide," he said earnestly, standing with his arms hanging limply at his sides, his mind rushing in the horror of the future, which had always scared him. Anxiety had him in a headlock. He was struggling to feed air through his windpipe.
"Well I guess it doesn't matter much," Hide chirped, gripping his bag tightly. Kaneki nodded, nodding, nods, pressing his lips together thinly. He had to calm down, he knew it, but he was scared. What if none of this worked? What if more people got hurt because of this stupid choice he'd made?
The air tasted dry, and it scraped his throat, rubbing it red and raw. Whatever happened now, whatever happened, it would surely be Kaneki's fault.
"I mean, frankly," Hide said very loudly, "I have no fucking clue what I'm doing with my life. At least you have a job!"
"Y-yeah," Kaneki stammered, fidgeting with his sweaty hands. He didn't know what was wrong with him. Back before, he could compartmentalize. Depression was constant, anxiety and fear gnawing constantly at his heels, but he made it all bend at the will of his determination. He had to do what he did. That's just what he'd told himself back then, like a mantra, that he had to go this way, choose this path, bloody his teeth and bare them to the world. He'd outrun the fear and anxiety and depression.
But it always came back.
He'd never conquered anything.
He just kept running away.
What future did confrontation hold?
"Are you gonna be okay, Kaneki?"
Hide was standing right before him suddenly, smiling his easy, dopey smile, as though the world was just good laughs and good times, and it was such a pure, infectious thing. It made Kaneki smile too, even though his insides felt like they were all tied in knots and his mind was eating itself away in horror of what could be, what might happen, what he fucked up already.
"I think so," he said weakly.
Hide nodded firmly. "Good," he said. He turned away. "Okay, gotta head out now, or else I'll be half an hour late. If you need anything, just text me."
"Sure thing." Kaneki took a deep breath, closing his eyes. And then they snapped open. "Hide, wait!"
"Yeah?" Hide leaned against the door, blinking guilelessly.
"Nishio Nishiki. Don't go anywhere with him alone."
Hide smiled vacantly. "Oh, don't worry," he said with a bright laugh. "I don't really trust that guy much. Don't worry about me, Kaneki."
"But…"
"It's fine, buddy," Hide said gently, backing out the door. "It's just school."
Hide left the conversation at that. It should have made Kaneki feel better, but it didn't. He didn't want to be distrustful of Nishiki, but he had to remember how problematic the guy had been at first. God, he'd been an asshole. Kaneki had no idea how he was going to find a way around Nishiki's bad attitude, but he'd have to eventually, right?
He shrugged on his suit coat and set out. All in all, he felt simply out of place. The streets were packed with people, as customary with Tokyo, but with his current attire Kaneki felt so… adult. He supposed with all the things he'd been through, dressing in a suit and walking to work shouldn't be the disorienting experience that jarred him into the revelation that he was no longer a child.
It was a little annoying.
He didn't know what to expect, honestly, with this first day on the job thing. Nobody had really debriefed him on what the hell his job was going to be until he could get into the field. He supposed he should be grateful. He didn't have to worry about hunting his friends just yet.
"Amon." Kaneki spoke tentatively, having walked up behind the man and unsure as to how to get his attention. Amon jumped and whirled around.
"Oh, Kaneki!" His eyes were wide and astonished. "You snuck up on me. Wow, you're really quiet."
"Sorry," he said guiltily, giving a nervous laugh. Am I really that quiet, he wondered vacantly.
"No, it's fine." Amon didn't seem offended or anything, which was good. Kaneki still wasn't sure what to make of him. He seemed like a really nice man, someone with good intentions and a strong sense of morality. Kaneki hoped he was as open minded as he'd insinuated upon their past meetings.
Because right now, Kaneki really needed a friend in the CCG.
"Everything fits okay, right?" Amon inspected Kaneki's shoulder, pinching the fabric of the suit. "This seam is really worn. Sorry. We'll get you a newer suit after your first pay check."
"Oh, okay. Thank you."
Amon watched him. It wasn't a wary stare, or anything really unusual, but it put Kaneki in a weird position where he had to meet the man's gaze. Was he looking for approval? Kaneki didn't know. He couldn't get a read on this guy. He was just too… genuine. It was confusing.
"I know this is probably strange for you," Amon said. "We don't usually do things like this. Most people have to go through the academy before they can reach the point you're starting at."
"What point am I starting at?" Kaneki asked, ignoring the biting question that popped into his head, Why is there a dove academy?
"Rank 3 Field Investigator, Kaneki Ken." Amon flashed him a card, which Kaneki ignored at first, because he didn't really want to trouble himself with reading a flimsy bit of plastic. But then he realized the card had his face on it.
"Wait, what?" Kaneki took the card, flipping it over in his hands anxiously. Had he authorized this? He glanced at the picture, and he realized he had gone to get his picture taken earlier in the week. It hadn't occurred to him to ask what for. He'd just been going through the motions. Doing what he was told.
"Rank 3 is pretty much the standard start," Amon admitted, "but honestly, most people do have to go through a process before they can start working. You skipped that step. Congratulations, Kaneki. You're a ghoul investigator."
"Yay," he said faintly, tearing his eyes from the ID. He clutched it tightly, his arms falling to his side so he didn't have to have it so close to his face. The little flimsy scrap of plastic bit into his bloodless fingers. White knuckles hid it from view. He took a deep breath.
Amon was quiet, and Kaneki jerked himself out of the anxious stupor he'd fallen into, smiling big at Amon.
"I mean," he gasped, "thank you very much!"
"It's okay," Amon told him very gently. "It's only natural that you're nervous. You weren't given much of a say in any of this."
"No, it's fine," Kaneki said, stuffing the ID into his pocket. "I'll get used to it." Probably.
Amon didn't look so sure. He frowned at Kaneki, looking momentarily puzzled. Then he perked up. "Hey," he said, clapping Kaneki on the shoulder. "Let me show you around."
"Okay…" It wasn't like Kaneki had anything better to do.
He ended up being introduced to numerous investigators. Amon explained between introductions that most of these people were simply Bureau Investigators, which meant they did very, very little field work. This was the case with most CCG offices, except for the main headquarters, which was brimming with field investigators. That was where Kaneki had gone to meet with Shinohara.
Kusaba Ippei and Nakajima Yasunori, two bureau investigators who Amon had pulled Kaneki aside to introduce, seemed to be the most interested in Kaneki's inherent ghoulishness.
"So you're not really dangerous right?" Ippei asked flippantly, blinking at Kaneki from behind his thick, round glasses. "I mean, you wouldn't be here if you were."
"I don't think I'm dangerous," Kaneki said.
Maybe that wasn't a hundred percent true, but for now a little lie wouldn't hurt to get him in good graces.
"That's good," Ippei sighed in relief. "Honestly, we were all kinda worried. With what the CCG was thinking, authorizing a ghoul and all, but… you're not really a ghoul, right?"
Kaneki averted his eyes, feeling that he needed to take a moment to think over his reply. He probably had to be careful with how he responded, because making a good impression was vital here, but he just couldn't think of a good way to respond that was reasonable but truthful.
"Kaneki," Amon said, not really in any warning sense, but in a careful, inquisitive way. He was not asking if Kaneki was okay, not really, but the statement did imply he was worried.
"No," Kaneki finally said, looking into Ippei's eyes. "I really am a ghoul."
The man looked surprised, and his partner steadied him when he took a step back on reflex.
"He's an anomaly," Amon said quickly, shooting Kaneki a sharp glance. It seemed to be the first time since they'd first met that Amon was irritated with Kaneki's behavior. "He may have the abilities of a ghoul, but I expect everyone here to treat him with the respect and trust due to any other coworker. Is that clear?"
Kaneki stood very still, eyes enlarged and jaw clenched tightly shut. He was too alarmed to really say anything in response, and he didn't think he needed to. Both men nodded quickly, looking just as shocked as Kaneki was.
"Sorry," Ippei said sheepishly. "I didn't mean anything by it…"
"Ken!"
Kaneki flinched. He knew that voice, and he knew that awful tone, and he knew this dull atmosphere of silent judgment would only get more intense from here on.
"Mr. Mado." He gave a somewhat indifferent half-bow, wondering how strained his voice sounded. How annoyed he appeared.
"I just got an interesting word from HQ," he said with his great, wormy smirk firmly in place. "Come on, boy, let's walk."
"Um—!" Kaneki shot a frantic look at Amon, who merely nodded to him, as though that might alleviate Kaneki's discomfort. There was no help coming, not from Amon, not from anyone, so he reluctantly began to follow Mado down the hallway.
"You seem glum." Mado walked at a brisk pace, which caused Kaneki to wonder if maybe he'd misjudged the man's age based on his appearance. "Isn't this what you wanted, Ken?"
"Yes, sir," Kaneki said. He didn't know if that was true or not, but he knew it didn't matter, because it was what needed to be said. It was what had to be said.
"Then relax." Mado clapped him on the back. Kaneki jumped. "I won't hurt you. I know you're a little… eh…" Mado gave a little hand gesture, letting his hand wobble on his wrist as if to say, so-so. "You know, because of what I did at your university, but honestly I was just curious."
"You knew I couldn't eat anything," Kaneki murmured.
"Yes, I did." Mado smiled at him. How poisonous his smiles seemed to be. They made Kaneki's skin crawl. "The question was, of course, whether your friend knew."
Kaneki paused mid-step, and he shot a horrified glance at the back of Mado's head. "You… did that to test Hide?"
"I simply wanted to know how loyal he was." Mado waved offhandedly, his gloved fingers curling against the air. "Loyalty is so hard to come by these days."
"Hide has nothing to do with anything," Kaneki gasped, pushing forward and skidding to a stop before Mado, his eyes glazed with fury. "Don't ever use him like that again!"
Mado looked at him with raised eyebrows, his smirk dissipating as he squinted up at Kaneki. He turned his head curiously, studying Kaneki's face with a distant kind of scrutiny.
"It was a harmless experiment, Ken," Mado said.
"I don't care," he replied. "Hide has enough to worry about. If he wanted to take part in one of your "experiments" he'd join the CCG himself!" Kaneki took a deep breath, and he felt dizzy. And hungry. His stomach gave a pang, and he was filled with overwhelming distress over that fact.
"Huh." Mado folded his arms across his chest. "Are you hungry, Ken?"
"What?" Kaneki took a very large step back. He didn't understand. How could he know? Could he just sense these things? How inhuman was this man? "No, I—"
Mado tapped two fingers beneath one of his eyes. Kaneki watched bemusedly. And then, horrified, he reached up and felt the protruding red veins that crawled beneath his lower eyelid and across his cheekbone. He let out a small, shaky breath of absolute terror, and he clamped his hand over his eye.
"No," he murmured, his fingernails clawing into the sensitive skin of his eyelid, "no, no, no, no, no…"
"I wonder," Mado said distantly, "if you truly are different from them after all?"
Kaneki backed up into a wall, covering his kakugan with both hands. His fingers were trembling. Because he was scared. He needed to at least appear human to these people, and he… he'd thought he had this under control. It wasn't fair!
"You're awfully pathetic," Mado drawled.
Kaneki lowered his head. He hunched against the wall, wishing dearly that he could have the will to make everything go away, but he knew that he was too weak for such things, and it killed him inside.
He didn't know what to do. His dizziness had not subsided, and there was a nagging, gnawing little voice pressuring his brain. It sang to him in the song of whispers. Time to eat, eat, eat, eat, it hummed, time for meat, meat, meat. His stomach began to cramp, and though he knew this would subside for at least a bit of time, he felt absolutely overcome by the sense of desolation these pains put him in.
"Mr. Mado…" He sank to the floor, his back sliding down the wall and his eyes digging into his knees. "You… you should get away from me…"
"Oh?" Mado's voice was unreadable amongst the commotion inside Kaneki's head. "Do you think I'm scared of you, Ken?"
"I don't know…" Kaneki took a deep breath. "I'm sorry… I don't know what I've done… I shouldn't have come here… I shouldn't have…" They're going to kill me, he thought fearfully.
Of course he could easily fight his way out of here. It would be simple. But that would erase everything he'd worked for so far. And he didn't want to hurt anyone. He really, really didn't want to hurt anyone!
"Mado…?"
Kaneki's head shot up. He turned his head sharply toward the source of the voice. Amon walked very slowly toward them, his eyes on Kaneki's face. He stopped abruptly, his eyes widening, and he was likely very shocked to see Kaneki's kakugan.
"One eye…" Amon exhaled.
"Please… both of you, please, stay away from me…" Of course he could easily fight his way out. But he didn't want to. He was strong, certainly, but only in his head. He didn't know what this body could do, if he could push it like he had before. He didn't know if he could do anything worth anything. He was scared. He was so scared…
Kaneki heard Mado's brisk footfalls, his heels clipping the white tile, and when Kaneki looked up he saw the mad man dangling a small black phial in front of Kaneki's face.
"Mado, what are you doing?" Amon gasped, marching up to them. "Didn't you hear him?"
"I suppose I'm a little hard of hearing in my old age," Mado quipped. Kaneki stared at the smooth, lackluster black glass, and he wondered what was inside.
The fact that he was wondering anything made it clear that the situation wasn't as dire as he was making it out to be.
He was just scared.
Scared of what they might do to him.
To everyone he knew and cared about…
"Well, Ken?" Mado whistled low, waving the phial in Kaneki's face. "Take it or leave it, but let me tell you something. If you don't drink this, I will have to do something I maybe don't want to do to you, and it might not be the most pleasant thing. So why don't you just drink up?"
"What… is it…?" Kaneki reached for the phial with twitching fingers, one arm wrapped around his cramping stomach.
"Does that matter?" Mado's eyes were glittering. "It's for you. So these things won't happen." Kaneki continued to reach for the phial, his vision growing cloudy. "If I told you it was human blood, would it matter?"
Kaneki stopped. Uncertainly, he withdrew his hand.
Mado's eyes flashed wide momentarily.
"You should both get away from me," Kaneki said faintly. "Please… I really… really don't want to hurt you…"
Amon took Mado's arm, but Mado shrugged him off rather sharply. He knelt down, which caused Kaneki to drag his legs closer to his chest. He breathed in through his mouth, and hoped this would fade, this helplessness that reminded him of when he'd first become a ghoul.
That's because I just became a ghoul, he remembered suddenly. I literally just became a ghoul, of course this body isn't used to hunger pains. Even if, mentally, I'm totally an expert at dealing with constantly being on the brink of starvation, this body is still coping with the changes.
Wow. Being in his younger, squishier body was fucking tedious.
"Listen, Ken," Mado said, reaching out and snatching Kaneki by the wrist. Everything in him was instinctually reeling back. "I don't really know what's in this. I don't have the authority to ask, so whatever it is, you're not allowed to know. But I was told that if you showed any signs of hunger, I was to give you this." Mado dropped the phial into Kaneki's trembling hand. "Get up. You are my subordinate, and I won't have you having breakdowns every time your more unsavory traits reveal themselves."
He stood, patting Amon on the shoulder as he turned away. Kaneki gripped the phial tightly, unsure of what to do. Carefully, he uncorked the phial, and he sniffed it. It smelled strange. He couldn't put his finger on it, but it was a familiar smell. Without any other real, reasonable option, Kaneki took the phial in both hands and tipped it back.
He knew immediately what it was when the thick, acrid liquid hit his tongue. It sloshed in his mouth as he tossed the phial back and downed the whole thing in one gulp, disgusted but also satiated. The aftertaste was like tar clinging to the back of his throat, but as he took a few deep breaths, everything started to realign, and he felt his sweaty forehead, sighing in relief.
"Did… that work?" Amon looked surprised as his eyes darted between Kaneki and Mado.
Kaneki touched the skin beneath his eye. The veins had disappeared, which he was thankful for. He didn't know if his kakugan had vanished or not, but he was grateful regardless. He stood up shakily, clutching the phial in both hands.
"I… I think it did," he said, blinking rapidly. He took another deep breath. His eyes fell on Mado's back. "Mr. Mado… thank you, I…" He swallowed thickly, and when Mado turned his head to look over his shoulder, Kaneki lowered his upper body into a deep bow. "Thank you."
I just showed them how weak I can be, he thought frantically. I need to show them that I'm strong too.
"Fufu…" It was a chuckling sound mixed with quick puffs of exhaling air. He turned about, beaming at Kaneki with his usual awful expression. "Well, if you're thanking me, you might as well do me a favor. Amon and I are doing some ghoul investigating. You know, our jobs. You need to have at least a taste of what you're getting into before you get into the real nitty gritty things, so why don't you come along?"
"Mado," Amon gasped, his eyes darting to Kaneki's face. "Are you sure that's a good idea? He's completely untrained."
"So?" Mado shrugged. "The best way to learn is through experience. What do you say, Ken?"
Kaneki didn't know what to fucking say. The man hadn't given him time to even think, really. Kaneki was still reeling from the fading cramps that had captured his abdomen so abruptly, and now this guy just wanted him to go out and watch him hunt for ghouls? Honestly?
"Fine," he said, brushing the hair from his forehead to wipe the residual sweat away. "Fine, sure. Whatever."
"Good!" Mado clapped his hands together. Kaneki could only watch, exhausted and bemused, as he was led on a witch hunt of his own doing.
On their way, Kaneki found himself thinking back to when Mado had pulled him away from Amon. They were walking at a quick pace, the three of them, Mado and Amon making steady conversation while Kaneki checked his reflection in the gleaming glass windows of tall buildings to make sure his kakugan had properly concealed itself. He thumbed the sensitive skin beneath his eye, and he glanced at Mado's back.
"Excuse me," he said, quickening his pace so he was right beside the man. "But didn't you want to tell me something?"
"Hm?" Mado tilted his head. "Did I?"
"Yes," Kaneki said firmly, not meeting Amon's intense gaze. "You said that the… HQ, or something, had a, um… "interesting word" was the phrase you used."
"Oh!" Mado chuckled. "Yes, yes, that. Well, Amon and I were sent to the twentieth ward to do away with the Binge Eater ghoul."
"Binge Eater…" Kaneki repeated softly. People bustled past, and he recalled the sensation of intense hunger, mad hunger, even worse than the episode he'd had that afternoon. Meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat. Humans? No. Meat. That was how it had been the first time around. This time it had to be different. He had to be good. He had to drink that concoction of the CCG's, and he had to put on a good human face so he wasn't butchered on the spot.
"Binge Eater is a particularly nasty ghoul that surfaced in this ward a few months ago," Amon explained hastily. "We were sent to track it and eliminate it."
"But that is no longer necessary!" Mado smiled brightly, as though beaming at the sunshine just for being bright. "The Binge Eater is now deceased. Thanks to you."
"Me?" Kaneki didn't need to ask. He knew the Binge Eater was Rize, but he didn't like the implications of Mado's word choice. He talked as if Kaneki had meant to go on a date with a highly dangerous ghoul.
"Kamishiro Rize was, by our assessment, the Binge Eater," Mado said. "Considering there have been no recent attacks since the night you were hospitalized, and given your own body type in comparison to the previous victims, we can conclude that the Binge Eater was killed in the same accident that prompted your… interesting predicament."
"Oh. Wow." Kaneki tried to sound more enthused, but his voice was simply flat and dull. "Yeah, you're welcome, I guess. I totally meant to almost get eaten." Kaneki glowered down at his feet. "It was all part of my master plan."
He expected to be rebuked or something of that nature, but instead Mado laughed and clapped Kaneki on the back.
"That's good," he said. "Not many people in this business keep their sense of humor. Of course you joking about being a ghoul probably won't win you any friends."
"I think it's worth a try," Amon said, glancing at Kaneki and smiling. "It would make him seem more approachable and human."
"Ah, that reminds me." Mado gripped Kaneki's shoulder tightly, his spindly fingers digging into the worn suit coat seam. "What happened today cannot happen again. You're excused for this one time, because of course I was teasing you by keeping your prescribed nourishment away, but it will not be so simple next time. When you are hungry, you immediately tell me so I can give you what you need. Is that clear?"
"Crystal," Kaneki murmured.
"It's merely a precaution," Mado informed them in his usual blithe tone. "Otherwise my orders are to terminate on sight."
Kaneki's eyes widened momentarily, but he managed a brief, "Okay." Before his throat closed up in terror. Because he was in really, really deep. He needed to remember that his choices had consequences. Last time… last time he hadn't really considered any of the consequences of his own actions. This time he had to think.
"That was a joke," Amon said firmly, shooting Mado a strange look. Mado merely smiled.
"What?" Kaneki asked flatly.
"Oh, come on, Amon, don't ruin the fun!"
"No, seriously," Amon sighed. "We have no permission to kill you. The order I was given was to apprehend you if necessary, but not to physically harm you."
"Is that for real?" Kaneki's eyes widened. Mado's face had fallen into a sullen expression, as though Amon's words did not please him in the least. He wants to kill me, Kaneki realized. Even if he's acting friendly, he'd like nothing more than to cut me down and rip me open. "I think I believe Mr. Mado more."
"It shouldn't matter to you who is right in this case, Ken," Mado murmured, a smile stretching tightly on his thin lips. "Your main goal is to never find out what happens if you go rogue."
"Noted." Kaneki paused as they walked past a large metal plaque bolted into a slab of granite. His insides seemed to freeze, and his mind whirred on rewind. Something in him was screaming all of a sudden, furious and terrified, and he wondered if it was that part of him that he'd almost forgotten. Centipede. It skittered and writhed. He heard it clicking its pincers in his ear.
Nobody had ever told him centipedes were venomous.
"Hey," he said in a low, dead voice. Amon turned to look back at him, but Mado merely continued his leisurely stroll, his briefcase bobbing at his side. "Hey!"
"You sound distressed, Ken." Mado did not turn around, nor did he even stop walking. Kaneki exhaled a shaky, vicious breath.
"Why are we at Kamii?" he asked in a voice that made him feel like this poor, squishy body had been plated with steel.
"We have business here." Mado never stopped. He didn't know how to fucking stop. That was why he'd died in the first place! He just kept going, going, going, and that was his downfall, his determination to see ghouls fall into abysmal misery. If he just… slowed down… took a moment to think, to see some clarity… if he'd just stopped…
You're going to die the same way this time around, Kaneki thought coldly at the man's back. Mark my words, Mado. You'll never be safe so long as you keep hunting ghouls for sport. Stealing kagune like hunters steel antlers.
Kaneki started forward. He began to quicken his pace to a brisk stride, his eyes sharp and cold as he glanced around the campus, studying the faces of his old peers, thinking that he would have been better off never going to the CCG. Everyone would have been better off. How could he be so foolish?
Make a choice and face the consequences. That was how this new world was.
Kaneki waited outside when Mado went into a building for a reason he did not deem necessary to disclose with the rest of the team. He was counting the students outside class, students lounging at lawn tables, students studying in clumps on the warm stone pathways, students sleeping in patches of shaded areas with textbooks smothered over their faces. Kaneki felt within his element with these people. Or maybe, the old part of him did.
Often times, back in the future, he'd thought himself a completely different person from the boy Rize had lured in. But that wasn't true at all.
He just wished he were different.
He wished and wished and wished that he could be the stronger one for once. That he could be the one to make a difference. To save instead of be saved.
It never worked.
Why did he ever bother pretending?
He was scared all the time, and no one seemed to hear him screaming.
Mado returned with his slimy smile right in place. It was worse now. Kaneki was beginning to notice that Mado had certain degrees of malicious smiles. Some of them were soft and teasing, almost… kind, if that were possible for such an atrocious man. Some were clearly cruel, but only to be mean in a curious, scientific way.
And then there were these smiles.
These wide, wormy little smirks. They were fucking predatory.
"Our suspect is a student?" Amon asked.
"Oh yes." Mado's fist was tight around the handle of his briefcase. "He's coming in a moment."
"You… called him?" Kaneki didn't understand how this investigating stuff actually worked. He'd just assumed the CCG got tips about suspected ghouls and attacked them in alleys or something.
"I made it clear that I needed to speak with him as a matter of importance so he'd be excused from class," Mado explained. "When you start doing this, you need to be quick with your words. Know how to get people into corners."
"That sounds sketchy," Kaneki told him curtly.
Mado beamed at him. "That's life!"
Kaneki wanted to throttle him. He thought about Hinami, her terrified face, round and wet and splotchy from tears. He could almost hear her uneven breaths as he twisted her away from the gruesome execution her mother had endured. Almost feel the warmth of her tiny hand as it clenched his bones until they threatened to snap.
His throat was closing up, and he turned away from Mado sharply.
The sounds of people murmuring, feet scraping against hot pavement, wind whistling through leave, it all filled him up and washed him out. He didn't need this right now. He didn't need to be sick on memories, sick on old times, old time blues, which made him ache in the head and in the heart, close-throated and jittery words about how time flies, time flies, time flies.
And then it rewinds and fucks you up even worse than you were before, which, frankly should not even be fucking possible.
He raised his head when he heard the door of the building open. He swallowed a furious, disorienting scream.
Nishio Nishiki closed a fist around the strap of his bag that hung loosely at his shoulder. He cocked his head at them.
"You the guy who called me down?" he asked in a bored tone.
"Nishio Nishiki," Mado said, smiling his awful, malicious smirk right at Nishiki's face, like that wouldn't tip him off that he was about to get his life ripped apart. He held up a badge with a goddamn dove on it. "I'm investigator Mado Kureo of the CCG."
"That ghoul thing?"
"That's the one."
"Okay…?" Nishiki's eyes flicked to Kaneki's face. They narrowed. In absolute fucking fury.
Great, Kaneki thought. He couldn't even breathe, he was so disgusted. He'd done this. He'd ruined his friend's life. Again!
"We won't bother you for long," Amon said politely. "We just need you to agree to an RC test."
Nishiki's jaw tightened. He looked away, ruffling the back of his sleek, wavy hair, and he sighed. "Sure," he said dully. "Whatever, I guess."
"Marvelous!" Mado's voice was piercing. Kaneki reached up and blocked his ears. He supposed it wasn't unusual for him to be screaming, screaming, screaming, and no one actually heard him. It was all in his head. The scream was ripping up his lungs because he was holding it down with everything he had.
Suddenly they were moving, and Kaneki struggled to catch up, lowering his hands from his ears and nearly crashing into Amon. Nishiki was leading them away from the halls with classrooms in it, toward the dorms. Kaneki watched Nishiki's back, and he bit his lip. He had to figure out a way to help Nishiki escape without tipping off Amon or Mado.
"What is an RC test, anyway?" Nishiki asked conversationally. They were outside the campus now. Kaneki's pocket vibrated, but he ignored it, his fingernails digging into his palm as he continued to brainstorm.
"Just a quick check to tell if a person is a ghoul or not," Amon told him. "It won't cost you anything, and once it's done we'll all feel a lot better about the situation."
"How does it work?" Nishiki was leading them down a sidewalk, his chin tipped up toward the sky.
"We'll extract some blood samples from you. It won't hurt, and it'll be over quickly." Amon didn't seem concerned that Nishiki was now leading them down a serpentine alleyway.
"You can tell that stuff from blood?"
"Modern technology is a wonderful asset to catching ghouls." Amon didn't smile. Kaneki stopped. Nishiki wasn't even trying.
He'd just done his best to lead them all away from t he school.
His pocket buzzed again. Kaneki thought to ignore it, but then it buzzed again, and of course it was Hide. So he pulled the phone out to check Hide's text messages as quickly as he could.
Bro just saw you and the other ccg guys?
People are talking it's not good at all they think nishio is a ghoul
Please be careful :o
Kaneki closed his eyes and pocketed the phone. It wasn't Kaneki that Hide needed to worry about. Nishiki was doomed if he didn't think of something fast.
"Nishiki," Mado called excitedly. "Your apartment is on a street opposite from here, isn't it?"
Nishiki froze.
God damn it, Kaneki thought, taking a step back and readying himself.
Nishiki's shoulders rose and fell.
"Fuck you, old man," he snarled, whirling around as his kagune unfurled, bright blue and glistening even in the wavering shadows of the old alley pass. His eyes were dark and flashing with the crimson light of his kakugan, veins pulsing beneath his skin and rising like red cracks beneath the frames of his glasses.
Mado merely laughed, jumping out of the way of Nishiki's attack and raising his briefcase. Nishiki bounced off the wall, moving at a swift angle and moving his legs so he could drop kick Mado in the face. The man merely lifted the briefcase, stumbling a bit at the force it took to deflect the attack. Kaneki watched with wide eyes as Nishiki's kagune came bearing down on Mado, a quick blur of a bluish arc swiping toward Mado's head.
And Mado grinned. He flicked his wrist, and the briefcase came snapping open, the click pinching inside Kaneki's ears like clicking pincers, and a long, jerky spine clapped against Nishiki's tail, sending a shockwave of noise through the alleyway. It was like listening to someone beating at a leather drum with the bulb-like end of a femur.
Nishiki fell back, skidding across the alley floor and knocking over a garbage can as he went. His teeth were bared, and his eyes were flashing around him. He wanted to figure a way out without actually confronting the investigators. His intention had probably been to jump them as soon as they were deep enough in the alley, which was a dead end, now that Kaneki had a good grasp on his surroundings. He could see a wall peeking around the next corner. He was gonna jump that wall and escape.
But Mado was too fucking smart.
And too fucking fast.
The quinque Mado had was something Kaneki recognized. He hated it. His stomach turned in disgust.
It was already too late to save Hinami's father. But… Hinami and her mother were likely okay. That was good. That was great to know.
Nishiki dodged the next strike that Mado prepared for him, sliding across the ground and rolling so his kagune whipped out, nearly tearing Amon's kneecaps off. The man jumped at the right time however, and he prepared his own briefcase, flicking it open and grasping his mighty, axe-like quinque.
"Kaneki, stay back!" Amon barked, his feet moving quickly, one two three, one two three, like a one man waltz. He knew how to read where a battle was going. He was steadfast, sturdy, stubborn. He could hold his ground against Nishiki easily while Mado cut him down.
This was really bad.
I need to get in on this fight, he thought wildly, watching Nishiki flip back, struck in the upper thigh by the clicking spinal quinque that twisted and whipped, too flexible and too sharp and too hard. It was a minor graze, but blood began to bubble up and redden his jeans. It hadn't even slowed him down. Nishiki kicked up a trash can and punted it at Mado, twisting his body away and diving at Amon while the man's head was turned, his eyes quick and worried for Mado's safety when they should have been front, watching the target.
The kagune was curled like a hook, and its point was dipping toward Amon's throat.
Kaneki pushed off the ground and jumped onto Amon's back, his arms dangling from the man's neck like a child pleading for a piggyback ride, and he crawled. His limbs weren't quite as nimble as they were once, but they were quick enough, and he'd swung his body, hooking one knee beneath Amon's arm as he shielded the man's face with his chest and let his kagune creep out, smashing into Nishiki's. The scaly little arms had thickened and hardened like a shell around Kaneki's back. He felt the overwhelming pressure, the biting sensation of someone else's tail pushing the points of the nerves inside his kagune.
He pushed off Amon, which caused the man to topple over onto the ground, and he whirled in midair, catching Nishiki's wild eyes. He was eying Kaneki's kagune with such pure awe and disgust, it seemed to roll off him in waves. It had dissolved all the terror in him.
"What the fuck is this?" Nishiki spat, gesturing to Kaneki with a sharp, revolted sneer.
Kaneki hunched defensively, sidestepping so he was properly between Nishiki and Amon. Frankly, Kaneki was fine with Nishiki killing Mado. He wished it would happen, honestly, it would save him a lot of grief in the long run. But Mado was simply better, so Kaneki doubted he'd get the pleasure of seeing that happen.
"Oh, fuck, this is just rich!" Nishiki raised his arms in mock appraisal. "The doves have a pet ghoul! That's fucking fantastic!"
"Nishiki," Kaneki said very carefully. The word senpai had to be swallowed down. He was sad. And he was scared. "Please stop fighting. If you don't fight back, they might let you live."
"Do you actually believe that crap?" Nishiki's face was twisted in his absolute and total fucking disgust. He was livid and repulsed, possibly just by Kaneki's existence. This was familiar. "Maybe that worked for little guard dogs like you for a minute, but they're gonna put you down before you can even think twice about regretting it!"
"I don't want to fight you," Kaneki said faintly.
"Then fucking die!" Nishiki lunged, and Kaneki was about to dodge, but he saw Mado's quinque reeling toward Nishiki. So he let his old friend tackle him to the ground, his kagune flashing. Kaneki listened to the quinque snap overhead, and he twisted to avoid getting pierced by Nishiki's bikaku. His own kagune slithered out from beneath him, and two limbs wrapped around Nishiki's arms like snakes coiling around their prey.
"Kaneki, that's enough!" Amon gasped. "Get away from him!"
"Master's calling, stupid pup," Nishiki taunted, stomping on Kaneki's stomach. It knocked the wind out of him, leaving no sounds or breaths or thoughts, only the instinct that had been instilled upon him by the whispery clicking of a centipede writhing inside his ear canal, pincers ripping through his ear drum and burrowing into his middle ear, twitching little limbs dancing upon the eusta tube as the beast tore into his inner ear.
Blood dripped onto Kaneki's face. He watched Nishiki's side bloom red beneath the claw of his third kagune arm. He hated himself dearly, but he couldn't contact that hatred really, not really, not really right now when this was all unfolding.
He let the warm blood pour like heavy raindrops upon his cheeks.
The wound was gaping.
Oh, Kaneki thought.
His eyes widened.
"That's it," he whispered to himself. He wrenched his kagune out of Nishiki's side as he gave a shivery gasp, gulping at air with pained desperation. Kaneki dragged himself and Nishiki upright, and he watched Nishiki's eyes flash dangerously. That's it, he thought, come on. That was nothing, Nishio. Nothing compared to what you can handle. So come on!
Kaneki threw them both against the wall to dodge a swipe from Mado's quinque. Nishiki yanked his arms free of Kaneki's kagune while Amon shouted, picking up his quinque and jerking a finger at Mado.
"Hold you're attack! You almost just hit Kaneki!"
"Does that matter?" Mado's voice rumbled. It was the distant threat of a storm, thunder sounding the increasing risk of danger. While Kaneki listened to the exchange, Nishiki backhanded him.
"Sounds like they don't care that much about what happens to you, dog," Nishiki spat, his kagune curling behind his shoulder.
"Oh, just shut up," Kaneki grumbled, grabbing Nishiki by the shoulder and kicking off the wall, his leg sailing over Nishiki's head.
"Mado, you can't disobey orders! Do not hurt Kaneki!"
"Do you see this?" Mado sounded irritated. "This is not a precious little child, Amon, regardless of how you may feel! Our job is to exterminate ghouls, and right now I see two ghouls ripe for the killing!"
Kaneki dodged a quick jab from the brightly hued kagune, blinking at the squirmy bikaku and kicking off it, spinning in midair to catch the shingles of a slanted roof. He flipped himself onto it, bending into a crouch and glowering at Nishiki. Come and get me, his haughty gaze goaded.
Nishiki loved to pick fights.
"Normally I trust your instincts implicitly, but now is not the time!" Amon caught Kaneki's eye. Kaneki watched him sadly. He didn't know how this would turn out.
Tell me how purgatory ends, he begged the man, as though he could hear Kaneki's thoughts somehow.
Nishiki jumped onto the roof, the veined blue kagune catching the sunlight and sending silvery, bioluminescent light shattering amongst the dusty shingles. Kaneki rolled out of its path as it tore shingle after shingle after shingle up and into the air, blood splashing from Nishiki's open side and staining his blue jeans black as he ducked and jutted his leg out. Kaneki crossed his arms into a block before his face, grunting as the blow hit him, and he balanced on the edge of the roof, batting off the kagune strikes with the clicking, pinching red arms that coiled around him.
"You risked your life to save that goddamn dove," Nishiki spat as his fist breezed past Kaneki's ear. "What the fuck is with you? Trash like you waste space and encroach on perfectly good territory."
"I'm really sorry, Nishiki," Kaneki sighed. He slid back, falling flat against the slope of the roof as the bluish blur sailed dangerously close to his nose. He kicked himself up again and grabbed Nishiki by the front of his shirt. He'd been calculating their steps. They'd inched their way to the end of the alley.
"Sorry?" Nishiki's eyes were huge, blackened sclera wet with what Kaneki assumed were despairing tears. "Yeah, okay, I'll give you sorry—!"
Kaneki watched his kagune come swiftly from the side, and he knew that Amon and Mado would be watching, so he jerked both himself and Nishiki in the opposite direction. Which luckily for Kaneki, was right off the roof.
They tumbled over the wall separating the alleys, spinning in midair, and Kaneki couldn't so much as cry out as his back collided with the ground, pain dicing up his spine and sending tears springing into his eyes. Nishiki was no better. He'd been pierced by one of the twisting little arms of Kaneki's kagune again, this time in the shoulder. He struggled to get himself in a position that even resembled upright. He was probably beginning to feel the slice in his thigh.
Kaneki sprung up, breathless and teary eyed, and he pinned Nishiki to the ground.
"You fucker…" Nishiki's breath rattled, and he glared into Kaneki's face, his glasses slightly askew. Kaneki stared at him.
"Okay," Kaneki whispered, warily slipping off Nishiki. "Okay, you need to listen to me very carefully."
Nishiki's eyes widened. Kaneki helped him sit upright, and he winced, hugging his stomach and shooting a fierce glower at Kaneki's face.
"I know you don't trust me," he murmured, shrugging off his suit coat and pressing it gingerly to Nishiki's shoulder wound. It would've been ruined either way, and Nishiki couldn't leave a blood trail. "That doesn't matter. What matters is that you get the fuck out of here."
"Are you kidding?" Nishiki's eyes darted across Kaneki's face. His kakugan made him look so terribly frightening, but Kaneki knew better.
Kaneki began to speak rapidly, leaning close to Nishiki so he wouldn't be overheard. He didn't know where Mado and Amon were, but he didn't hear them on the other side of the wall, so they could be anywhere.
"There's a coffee shop called Anteiku a few blocks from here. Take the back alleyways to the back entrance, and don't get spotted. If anything happens to that place, I'll kill you myself." He looked into Nishiki's eyes. And then he smiled sheepishly. "Tell Yoshimura I sent you. They should be able to hide you until you heal."
"Is this a joke?" Nishiki whispered, his brow furrowing. "You… you did this to me. You turned me in!"
"Shh!" Kaneki clamped his hand over Nishiki's mouth. He stared levelly into the man's eyes, and he exhaled sharply. "I didn't. I swear, I didn't, it was Mado, he… he has this weird instinct. He just knows." He shivered, looking down into his lap. "I'm sorry. I can't do anything more for you but buy you some time."
"Time?" Nishiki looked at him warily as Kaneki lifted his hand.
"I want you to stab me," Kaneki whispered, raising his eyes to meet Nishiki's gaze, "right in the gut."
"Are you crazy?"
"I'll heal," he whispered fiercely, "and I think I'm important to them, for the time being, so they won't let me die just yet. It'll give you time to escape."
Nishiki's mouth fell open. His kakugan dissipated, and he seemed to relax a little as he nodded. Slowly at first, and then furiously.
"Okay," he whispered. "Okay, but… shit. Why are you helping them?"
Kaneki had to hold back a laugh. He took Nishiki by the shoulders, and he smiled. "To help people like you," he said.
"You're crazy," Nishiki muttered. "A crazy, one-eyed fool. That's what you are."
"Guilty." Kaneki braced himself. "Okay, do it."
Nishiki glanced at him. He took a deep breath, and Kaneki saw the brilliant blue gleam of his kagune.
The breath was stolen from him. He couldn't think or breathe. All he knew was the pain, the familiar kiss of pain that trailed from his stomach to his ribs and up into his throat as he coughed blood into Nishiki's face. He collided with the warm pavement, unable to stop himself from curling up in agony. Nishiki'd really done a nice number on Kaneki, to the point where it was less of a stab and more of impalement. Kaneki felt his arms and legs go lax as he listened to the beating of his own heart match the beating of Nishiki's sneakers against the ground. It all melted into the clicking of pincers, the winding, writhing screeching of his own breathy screams.
He was half unconscious, sleeping off the wound, when he heard a heavy, frantic voice. His eyelids were heavy as he tried to part them, blinking into the bleary white afternoon and coughing. His mouth was filled with more blood than saliva, and he felt it dribbling down his chin as he moved his lips dazedly.
"Kaneki…" His name swam in the front of his brain, and he groaned. He just wanted to sleep. "Kaneki! Hang on, okay?"
It was a low voice. It confused him, hearing a low voice.
He began to realize, through his swimming vision, that he was being cradled.
"What…?" he rasped, his head lolling. He found himself behind scooped up into the air, and his eyes widened.
"You saved my life," Amon said, marching past the distinctly sullen Mado Kureo. "I won't ever forget that, Kaneki."
He squinted at the man's face. "Okay," he mumbled. "Thanks… for defending me. Thank you…" He let out a contented sigh. "Thank you…"
He fell asleep, and let himself dream. Of a happier past, and a family that did not quite know him yet. Of the days spent with Banjou and Hinami and Tsukiyama, constantly teetering on the edge of a severe mental break. And of a field of spider lilies that stretched out toward the sky, a thousand corpses littering the ground, and at the middle of it all was the partial remains of a smiling friend.
Hide's half rotted face turned to grin at him.
"Welcome back, Kaneki."