For a breathless moment, Nishiki had faced Mado, staring into the mad man's eyes, understanding what danger was hanging there.
Mado turned sharply and strode after them.
"So," he called, a low bark that made Kaneki jump, "you're the secret keeper, then?"
"And you're the partner, I'm guessing?" Hide tilted his head. "Nagachika Hideyoshi."
"Mado Kureo. Let's walk, hm? It's a beautiful day!" He pushed ahead of them, and Kaneki watched his slightly hunched back move farther and farther away. Kaneki threw a hopeless glance back at Nishiki's door, but it had closed sharply the moment Kaneki's neck bent back over his shoulder. Hide had to snatch him by the shoulder to get him to keep walking.
"I'm not sure what you guys want from me," Hide said vacantly as they passed back into the blanket of sunshine. The warmth was welcome after the chilly encounter with Nishio Nishiki. "I'm not gonna tell anyone about Kaneki."
"Why is that?" Mado's voice rumbled softly, and Hide glanced at him confusedly. "Amon tells me you're a smart boy. Why would you shelter a ghoul?"
"Excuse me?" Hide stopped walking, his fists shoved in the pockets of his jacket. He was smiling docilely. Blinking at Mado innocently. "What do you mean by shelter? I've never sheltered Kaneki from anything."
"Nagachika," Amon said cautiously, shooting a quick glance at Kaneki. He clearly felt somewhat guilty about this entire situation, but Kaneki didn't show any sort of discomfort. He needed these people if he wanted to survive in the CCG. "You should have brought Kaneki's condition to the CCG's attention immediately."
"Sorry, I think I missed something," Hide laughed, "like is there some kind of ghoul handbook or something? Is there a law that humans have to turn in ghouls to the CCG?"
"Actually, it's customary for people to give the CCG tips on suspected ghouls." Amon was obviously trying to sound helpful, but Hide merely stretched his lips into a half pursed, half incredulous smile. He averted his eyes sharply, his head jerking in a half tick, like the sharp movement of the big hand on a clock. Well okay, then, his body language barked.
"Listen," Hide gasped, throwing up his hands in mock surrender. "I'm a first year university student. I eat out of gross instant ramen cups. I have like five hundred yen to my name. My first concern in life isn't really turning my best friend in to a mysterious ghoul hunting organization, okay? I just want to pass my Asian History midterm, and maybe not be worried sick about my aforementioned best friend's whereabouts." Hide paused, and he held up a finger sharply, twisting to face Kaneki. "I have your notes, by the way."
"Oh." Kaneki had forgotten about school, honestly. "Thanks."
"No problem." Hide offered a shrug and laugh. Amon's brows were raised quite high, and Mado was smiling. Kaneki thought that must be a customary expression for him. He always looked like he knew something no one else did. "Anyhow, sorry I didn't like, call to check in, or something. My bad. If I had known you had Kaneki then I would have gone to you guys immediately."
"I wonder why you didn't go looking for him." Mado tapped his chin curiously. Hide stared at him, his mouth opening and closing but not a peep coming out. Kaneki watched him, but he couldn't say anything. Hide had left Kaneki alone. As always. The moment Kaneki had stopped answering his calls, Hide had probably assumed Kaneki had skipped down.
"Can I go home now?" Kaneki blurted. He could feel the tensions rising, and he didn't like that Hide was in the middle of it. "I feel like I haven't showered in over a week."
"Oh, is that what that smell is?" Hide quipped without missing a beat.
Kaneki ignored that remark with as much dignity as he possibly could. He shot Amon a pleading glance, which the man matched with a mild stare. There was nothing that could be done. Mado was rubbing his hands together, gloves squelching from the friction.
"Perhaps we've gotten off on the wrong foot, hmm?" Mado cocked his head, his smile widening with some particular malice. He spun on his heel, gesturing for them to follow as he started down a crowded walkway. A few students parted to let him pass. "Let me make it up to you!"
Kaneki glanced at Hide, but his friend had already started forward. So instead Kaneki's eyes went to Amon. And Amon merely sighed.
"It's better not to question it," Amon told him. "He's thinking far faster than all of us put together."
That was unnerving to think about. This man seemed to be too clever by far, and his madness… who was Kaneki to judge, anyway? The first time Kaneki Ken had met Mado Kureo, the eccentric nature of the man had been more than simply terrifying. He'd grabbed Kaneki and yanked him through an RC detector after all, leaving him shaky and nauseous from terror.
Mado Kureo was wild and wired and wicked, but his danger did not derive from madness. It was his cunning that chilled Kaneki to the bone. He seemed to be preying on Kaneki's innate fear of losing his loved ones, and latching onto that intimidation tactic. He'd already learned so much about Kaneki in such a brief amount of time, and Kaneki was completely clueless to this man and his motives. How could anyone be so terrible?
Amon was watching him, dark eyes flickering curiously across Kaneki's face. This man wanted to learn too. He wanted to know what it was that made Kaneki tick, what it was that was keeping him from devolving into a rabid, salivating beast. He looked down upon Kaneki's round, youthful face, his big, swollen eyes, and he saw a child. Kaneki knew it. Koutarou Amon was clinging to the thought that Kaneki was just a human child thrust into the tempest of ghouldom, innocent and guiltless to the actions taken place to give him this unbreakable body.
Amon saw him as a baby dangling by the ankle in the grasp of a gleaming eyed goddess, her long fingers drawing blood from his fleshy calf as she dipped him into the river Styx, watching serenely as he squalled and thrashed against the chilly black current.
And what could Mado see him as? Certainly not a helpless child resigned to an unfortunate fate.
He must have seen something human, though. Or else Kaneki would not be free.
Kaneki began to follow Mado with the sort of hopeless obedience of a dog on a chain. Was that not exactly what he was destined to be at this point? What if he couldn't change a thing and he was stuck slaughtering innocent ghouls for the rest of his life? What a sad existence that would be, hating himself more and more with every little motion, never truly in charge of his own actions.
Was this really the right choice?
He supposed it was too late to turn back now.
Amon and Kaneki caught up with Mado just as he'd sidled up alongside a mobile ice cream cart. He caught the end of his order.
"— With sprinkles for Hideyoshi." He spoke with clipped, almost mocking familiarity. His thin, wormy lips enunciated every syllable of Hide's name— Hi-de-yo-shi-kun. Hide's expression remained amicable in spite of the use of his given name. Mado turned his head toward them as they paused a solid meter and a half away, both Kaneki and Amon a little wary of Mado's mood. "Chocolate in a cup for Amon, plain, no sprinkles or whipped cream."
"I'll pass," Amon said cautiously.
"Nonsense." Mado dug his hand into his pocket, and hummed to himself loftily. "Ken?"
"Uh… no thank you," he said. "I'll pass as well."
"And a vanilla cone for Ken," Mado said brightly. He tossed a crumpled bill onto the cart, lifting a tiny square packet from his pocket. He tossed it to Amon, who caught it in a massive fist, his eyes a little wide. Mado then glanced at Kaneki with an unreasonably gleeful smirk. "Do you need a lactate as well?"
Mutely, Kaneki shook his head, unable to properly prepare a verbal assault worthy of this man's phony charity.
Hide took his ice cream excitedly, his eyes lighting up like a tiny child's. Kaneki could practically see the stars lighting up his eyes as he dug into his cookies-n-cream, mashed oreo, rainbow sprinkled concoction smeared with strawberry syrup. His lips were bright red before Kaneki could blink. Bright red and sticky. Kaneki averted his eyes, a pang of lightheadedness emptying out his head. Hunger pains began their notorious dance, but he ignored them as he always did. He didn't need to eat. And if he had to… he'd find some low-life ghouls who deserved such a fate later.
Amon took his cup gratefully, and he offered a handful of yen to Mado, who shook his head promptly. "I'm trying to show some good will, Amon," he tutted, waggling a long, thin finger. "Just eat it."
"Thank you, sir," Amon said, staring at the man with some degree of awe, but mostly unparalleled gratitude. Kaneki bit his tongue as a cone was offered out to him. This wasn't good.
"I…" He glanced at Amon, who had begun eating his ice cream, and he smiled sheepishly at Mado. He cupped his chin, speaking in a soft, distant tone. "It's so nice of you to offer, but I really shouldn't…"
"I insist."
Kaneki's smile froze on his lips. Mado's merely stretched further. He pushed the cone toward Kaneki until he was practically forcing it into Kaneki's fingers. He held the cone gingerly, as though too much pressure would crush it in his palm. He stared at it, watching the ridges of the scoops begin to fill with melting cream.
Hide stopped. He swallowed thickly, his eyes rising and blinking innocently. Kaneki could not tell what he was thinking. Amon did not seem to sense the unease either. The ice cream pooled at the edge of the cone. Kaneki's jaw tightened, his gut tightening in revulsion.
"Better eat that quick," Mado remarked. "It might melt!"
Kaneki closed his eyes. I can do it, he thought firmly, bringing the cone to his lips. It's easy. Just one quick swallow, that's all. Don't even taste it. Just pretend to let it sit in your mouth. Then, remember, act like it's the most delicious thing you've ever tasted. Remember. Remember?
His lips closed against the dripping vanilla, and there was no real escaping from the taste. Rivulets of ice-cold piss slid against his tongue, growing warmer and warmer until it burned the taste buds clean off, revoltingly pungent, growing more and more foul with every second it lingered in his mouth. It tasted like he was licking the grout between the tiles of a men's public bathroom.
The cone was cracked against the pavement before he could really stop it from falling. His reflexes were weak, and his palate was still severely human. He could not handle the disgust. His gag reflex was still sharp as ever, however, and his hands clamped over his mouth to keep the stinging bile from belching out.
This is not even remotely as easy as Touka and Nishiki make it look, he thought bitterly.
A light amount of pressure was placed between his shoulder blades. Kaneki coughed into his hands, cracking one eye open. Amon was frowning, looking as though he'd lost his appetite, while Mado simply smiled placidly.
"Kaneki?" Hide's voice came from Kaneki's shoulder. He patted Kaneki's back, as though to stop him from choking. "Okay, that's enough for today. Thanks so much, Mr. Mado, Koutarou, but I think Kaneki should head home."
Mado's eyes moved to Hide's face, lingering there as Hide threw Kaneki's arm over his shoulder and shifted his weight. Kaneki was still covering his mouth with his hand, and he bowed his head in shame. Certainly Mado was playing a game. He was pushing Kaneki, testing his ghoulishness, and for what? A laugh? Experimentation? Who the fuck even knew?
"That might be for the best," Amon said, his clipped tone suggesting that he was speaking for Mado as well. The man looked, for the first time all day, dejected. As though he were an anxious dog, and Amon had ripped away his chew toy.
Hide bowed his head respectfully and pivoted Kaneki around before he could do the same. He then dragged him down the brick path, left beneath a tall glass platform bridge that connected two halls, and then left again onto a sidewalk. By that point, Kaneki felt dizzy, but no longer nauseous.
"Hide…" Kaneki grasped Hide's elbow, his fingernails digging into the slippery orange fabric. Hide glanced at him. He smiled warmly.
"You don't have to explain anything," he said, clapping his hand over the crown of Kaneki's head and ruffling his hair.
Kaneki opened his mouth to object, but he found he couldn't speak. The quiet humming sounds of the campus were drowned out by a muffling silence. His ears were cupped by two squishy circles, and he touched the headphones gingerly, shooting Hide a wild glance as music suddenly filled his head. It was some kind of rock music, soft rock maybe, nothing too straining but it was still loud enough to disjoint the barrage of unpleasant thoughts that clouded Kaneki's mind.
It was suddenly so very hard to think.
What a surprisingly pleasant sensation.
To be without thought.
Kaneki tiptoed out across the cool living room floor, moving at a swift pace toward the kitchenette. He'd woken up confused and panicked, sinking into a mattress that was too soft, and he'd thrashed around for a few seconds before recognizing his surroundings. He wasn't imprisoned anymore. He was back at his apartment. The old apartment. There was no use expecting Hinami to come padding softly into his room, swinging the door with her as she knocked thrice, calling to him to wake up, wake up, big brother, let's go! There was no Banjou lounging outside the door, no Tsukiyama waiting to barge in unannounced, and no mystery to unravel. Kaneki had his answers. In part. What he didn't have was that old sense of security.
But… he had Hide.
It was nice to be able to have Hide.
He set up the instant coffee, leaving the kettle on the stove as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and headed toward the couch. Hide was sprawled, one arm and one leg dangling precariously off the side, the other leg stretched out against the back of the couch, and his other arm angled beneath his head. The blanket Kaneki had thrown on him when he'd woken up in the middle of the night and found Hide to still be there was twisted around one leg and bunched around his chest. He looked incredibly uncomfortable.
When the kettle whistled, Kaneki jumped. He hadn't even realized how much time had passed until the damn thing was screaming, so he ran back to the stove and flicked it off, pouring the steaming water into the two cups he'd set aside. He did his best with what he was given, but since he hadn't been grocery shopping in about two weeks, literally all he had was instant coffee, half a cup of sugar, and milk that had gone bad nine days prior. He decidedly tossed that into the trash.
He took a tentative sip of his cup, and he grimaced.
This is the shittiest cup of coffee I've ever made, he thought grimly.
He felt ashamed. Like a maestro of some ancient art, such as Venetian glass blowing, who'd created a gray, lackluster lump instead of a bright red, hand crafted miniature stallion he'd meant to fashion. What a crippling sensation, to feel as though one's art has been lost.
"Is that coffee I smell?" Hide mumbled as Kaneki set his cup against the coffee table.
"Drink up." Kaneki collapsed into the stiff chair opposite the couch. "You're gonna need it, sleeping on that thing for a whole night."
"Heh…" Hide stretched his arms, making an odd mewling noise, like a cat pawing at the air. "Not so bad… I little rough 'round the edges, but me and ol' Rosebud got used to each other in the end…"
"Don't name my furniture," Kaneki said flatly. He pushed Hide's coffee closer to him. Hide sat upright, tossing the blanket aside and gripping the mug. He lifted it in a mock salute.
"Don't buy cheap, uncomfy furniture, then!" Hide took a long swig of his coffee, and he set the mug down. He was smiling. And then he gave a wild shudder. "Oooh, that's bad. That's bad coffee. Oh, man, I love you, but this is really bad."
"I can probably run and get us some coffee." Kaneki checked his phone for the time, which declared it was nearly seven. There were, of course, numerous places he could make a coffee run too. I should stay away from Anteiku, he thought, a wave of sadness crashing upon him. He didn't want to rule out Anteiku. In fact, Anteiku was the only place he really wanted to go right now. But how could he, with Mado and Amon sniffing around Kaneki's trail?
"Oh, I'm still gonna drink it!" Hide laughed brightly. "You think I'd make you run around Tokyo at the crack ass of dawn just to meet my whims? You'd be right. Go fetch me something delicious."
"You'd have to be a little more specific," Kaneki said with a slight eye roll. "Our perceptions of the word "delicious" have changed a lot."
"Have they though?" Hide gave a quick wink, taking up his mug again and leaning back. He waited for his joke to settle down and click.
When it did, Kaneki sunk into his seat and flushed.
"I changed my mind," he said flatly. "I am not willing to leave this apartment to do jack shit for you."
"Fair enough!" Hide rested his mug on his knee. "But honestly, if we're gonna talk delicious, I'd say Anteiku—"
"I'm just gonna stop you right there." Kaneki held up both his hands, closing his eyes so that he didn't have to look into Hide's. "Yes, from what I remember, Anteiku has really good deserts. Also, from what I remember, Touka could and would kick your ass into next Sunday, so I'd be careful with how I talk about her."
"Can she really?" When Kaneki opened his eyes, he noted that Hide's had lit up. "How do you know that? Kaneki, you dog! You asked for her number and she turned you down, didn't she? And beat you up for the trouble!"
"No." He almost wished it were that simple. That he could have been a normal boy with a crush on Touka. A crush on Kirishima Touka instead of Kamishiro Rize. That's what a wise boy would do. But there's nothing remotely wise in loving Touka either, he thought glumly. "Hide, let's talk straight here."
"Speak for yourself."
"What?"
Hide sipped his coffee. He arched an eyebrow. "Continue?"
He eyed Hide warily, but went on with his train of thought. "Okay," he said, flattening his hands in his lap, "so this stays between us. No one else can know."
Hide made a quick motion of zipping up his mouth, locking it up, and flicking the key aside like a used up cigarette butt.
"Touka… is a ghoul." He waited. He searched Hide's face. There was no reaction. Not even a hint of shock. "You don't seem surprised."
"After Miss Rize?" Hide scoffed. "I'm surprised you were the one who got the surprise ghoul date. I was close to asking Touka out myself."
"She would have declined," Kaneki said, though he couldn't really tell how serious Hide was. If he had to take a wild guess, probably between teasing and sarcastic. Hide wasn't the dating type.
"Aw." Hide pouted. "Got some hunk of a ghoul boyfriend, or something?"
"No. It's just… difficult for ghouls and humans to…" Kaneki sighed. Hide snorted into his mug.
"You can say it," he barked, his laughter erratic. "What, don't ghouls fuck the same as humans?"
"Well, I mean—!" Kaneki flushed, biting his tongue as a growl arose from the back of his throat.
"I'm joking, I'm joking!" Hide waved his hand quickly, blinking rapidly. "I'm sure ghoul sex ed is about the same as human sex ed. And interspecies dating would, understandably, be difficult."
"Not impossible, though," Kaneki murmured, thinking of Nishiki and Kimi as wells as Yoshimura and his late wife.
"So, Touka is a ghoul." Hide whirled his finger around in the air. "Big whoop. I still like Anteiku. Don't you?"
"I love Anteiku," he blurted without thought. Hide tilted his head, and he smiled. That seemed to interest him, and make him somewhat happy. Kaneki was fumbling with his fingers nervously, and he sighed. "I mean… I really like going there, but with my current situation…"
"The CCG thing?" Hide pursed his lips. "Which, by the way, was the stupidest thing ever. Stupid."
"Yeah, I know, I know." Kaneki wrung his hands in his lap. "But Anteiku is literally run by ghouls— good ghouls! I went there the night I… I told you. Before I turned myself in… and the manager there, he gave me— uh, food…"
"Human flesh," Hide clarified with a curt nod. It was nonchalantly spoken. Yes, he was saying, I too know the topsy-turvy ways of the ghouls.
"Right. He gave it to me, and he told me to come back any time I needed help." Kaneki's eyes were wide and his voice was squeaky from desperation to get his message across clearly. "They're good people there. They like humans, and not as meals, but as actual people. They help ghouls who can't help themselves, and they don't kill people."
Hide was quiet. He sat, gripping his mug as its steam rose and curled around his nose and mouth. Reluctantly, he smiled.
"Sounds like a fairy tale," he murmured.
"It's true," Kaneki said firmly. "I swear."
"I believe you, man." Hide cracked a grin, and he set his mug aside. "Okay, I get it. Anteiku is a nice place full of nice people. It's nice, it's willing to help you, it solved your food problem, and you love it there… so now you're hopped on the CCG train and you're going to punish yourself and never go to that place again."
"That's putting it rather harshly, I think."
"I'm sorry." Hide's smile fell, and he looked momentarily confused. "I thought you wanted me to be more confrontational about stuff I'd normally keep to myself. Like how when you start liking something too much you start putting it at a distance."
"That's not true!" Kaneki's eyes were wide, and he knew it was a lie. He jerked his face away, scratching his cheek. "I haven't put you at a distance." Yet.
"And for that, I'm eternally grateful." Hide rolled his eyes. "Real talk here. Going to Anteiku a few times won't lead the CCG to raid the place. In fact, it'll be more suspicious of you just stop showing up altogether. The CCG is clever, okay, they'll be doing all their research, plugging in data about all the places you regularly visited pre-surgery and all the places you visit now, post-surgery. They will notice you stopped going to Anteiku at some point, and they will investigate it." Hide pointed at Kaneki, his face eerily blank. "If you punish yourself, you'll punish them."
Kaneki wasn't sure how much he liked confrontational Hide.
But he sure got his message across loud and clear.
"Hide, I'm going to be working for the CCG." He folded his hands, his thumbs rubbed up against each other, twiddling rapidly. "I can't just go in there if I have Amon or Mado at my back!"
"Then don't go in there when they're with you?" Hide rolled his eyes. "Don't go in there when you're on duty? The CCG is smart, but unless someone tips them off, they won't be looking to Anteiku for suspicious activity."
"How do you know?" Kaneki snapped.
Hide stared at him. Kaneki felt immediately guilty for lashing out, because Hide was giving him a blank, bemused look. Innocent of all crimes, guileless and confused. Like a kicked puppy. How could Kaneki really expect Hide to be a hundred percent positive, and have immediate explanations for theories he probably cooked up on the spot?
"I'm sorry," he said softly.
"No worries, bro." Hide ruffled his twisted, matted hair, and he grimaced. "Ew, my hair's greasy as hell."
"It looks fine," Kaneki offered.
"You've never dyed your hair, buddy. You don't understand this kind of suffering." Hide cracked a grin, and Kaneki could only smile back weakly. He thought of his hair after Aogiri's torture, snowy white and coarse as straw. It had fallen limply across his forehead, never quite clean enough, always looking frizzy and split, like he could never get it healthy.
"Fair enough."
"So…" Hide stretched back, turning his eyes toward the ceiling. "You work for the CCG now. You know that's dangerous, right? They don't care about ghouls at all. You might just be an experiment to them."
Kaneki took his coffee mug in his hands, warmth radiating against his cold palms, and he smiled vacantly.
"I'm banking on it," he said.
Hide left sometime later, returning home to shower and do some last minute homework. He warned Kaneki not to miss too much school, or else he'd be at the point of a mental break when exams rolled around. Kaneki didn't want to tell him that he didn't plan on continuing school. But perhaps this time, it would make sense for Kaneki to continue with his schooling.
To pass the time, Kaneki ended up picking up some old novels he hadn't touched since the beginning of high school. He had a few foreign classics, some things by Kafka, Hugo, two books full of sonnets by Shakespeare and Petrarch respectively, and a worn leather copy of one Divine Comedy that he'd bought at a yard sale Hide had dragged him to in his second year. Hide had mocked him for it. You learning Italian now, buddy?
The book was so old that it had not yet been translated adequately into English, let alone Japanese. But Kaneki thought that had been part of its charm.
He picked up the book, thumbing through it pensively. It was easy to train his eyes to read from left to right, but Italian was nothing like English, and the words were so flippant and complicated and yet, clipped and to the point. There were apostrophes in places Kaneki didn't think needed apostrophes. Romantic languages seemed to be filled with a delicate, ornate style that Germanic languages seemed to lack out of spite.
A knock broke him out of his reverie just as he was trying to puzzle out the subtle nuances of modern linguistics.
He set the book aside and moved cautiously toward the door. When he peered through the peephole, he sighed, unlocking his door and swinging it open.
"Come in," he told Amon, turning away from the doorway. The man was very bulky, filling up most of the doorframe, and he ducked into the room as though it was too short for his stature. It wasn't. He was lowering himself in an attempt to seem more approachable. It was kinda admirable.
"Good morning, Kaneki," he greeted, using the same clipped, softly familiar tone of Kaneki-san he'd adopted the day before. "You look better."
It was true, yesterday he'd looked quite like a ghost. Dark hair matted around a pallid face, sunken eyes and chapped, thin lips. Not to mention how skinny he'd become because the sudden weight loss. Today at least his hair was combed, and he was wearing fresh clothing that seemed to fit. There was no helping the bags under his eyes or his complexion, though.
"Thank you, sir." Kaneki folded up the blanket Hide had used the night before and tucked it in a bin beside the couch. "Do you want some coffee? It's disgusting, but strong."
Amon looked at him, blinking rapidly before smiling. "Sure," he said. "Just no milk, please."
"Yeah, I don't have any milk, so don't worry." Kaneki went through the motions of making instant coffee again, tossing the kettle back onto the stove. "You're lactose intolerant?"
"Yes. Though it's honestly not so bad, just… mildly inconvenient."
Mildly inconvenient dietary restrictions, Kaneki thought, pulling his glass cup full of sugar across the countertop. Say it isn't so.
"It's nice of Mr. Mado to keep lactates at hand for you," Kaneki said absently.
Amon was quiet. Kaneki scooped a spoonful of sugar into the cup, listening to the grains crunch together.
"Kaneki, what Mado did to you yesterday was wrong."
The kettle began to whistle.
Kaneki stared at his wall, cupping the glass of sugar in both hands. Steam blew into his eyes and screamed into his ears.
This world is wrong.
Shaky words from a strong man in a strange place on a stressful night.
"Kaneki…"
He turned the stove off and shifted the screeching kettle. He turned around to face the man.
"What would you have done to me if I wasn't half human?" he asked vacantly. Amon looked alarmed, and he turned his eyes away.
"I suppose we would have apprehended you, so long as you didn't put up a fight…"
"And of course I would have," Kaneki said quietly, "because I'd be terrified. But ghouls can't plead self-defense, can they?"
Amon's eyes narrowed. "I'm sorry about what happened to you," he said firmly. "But you need to remember that ghouls are not your friends or your kin just because you are similar to them now. You seem like a good person, Kaneki. You care about people."
He had to turn away at that. Caring about people seemed to get him in the worst situations. Caring about humans, caring about ghouls. Why did everyone expect him to choose?
He poured the water into the mug, and he shrugged. "I don't think being a good person is solely attributed to the human part of me," he said carefully, offering out the mug. "But thanks."
"You're also a pretty confusing guy." Amon offered a half smile. "Did you know Kamishiro Rize was a ghoul before you dated her?"
"Nope. If I did I wouldn't have gone out with her." Kaneki thumbed the rim of his mug. "She was terrifying."
"And she was your only real run in with a ghoul, I assume." Amon shot him a puzzled glance as he took the mug from Kaneki. "So why? Why do you talk about ghouls so… defensively?"
"Because I am one."
"No ghoul has the experience you have." Amon took a sip of his coffee, and he managed not to make a face. In fact, he didn't seem to mind it at all. "You are singularly unique, Kaneki, because you are neither human nor ghoul."
Kaneki couldn't help but smile at that. "You're right," he said, staring into Amon's dark eyes. "I'm both. So please, understand why I feel obligated to speak candidly. I relate to ghouls and humans equally. What I say is just representative of that."
"And you sound so certain." Amon shrugged, sipping at his coffee absently. "I can't blame you. You haven't really gotten the real horrific experience of ghoul investigating yet. You'll understand soon, when you're out in the field."
"Wait, what?" Kaneki stood up straight, his eyes snapping wide. "Am I already approved by the CCG to do stuff?"
"You have an interview with an investigator of higher rank than Mado," Amon told him, walking over to the coffee table and setting his mug down. He dug through his pockets and retrieved a folded envelope, handing it off to Kaneki. He sat down as he glanced over the stamp that labeled it official CCG documentation, the weird dove sigil. "You're to report to a different ward's headquarters, considering you're a bit of a priority case. The directions are in there, but I'd advise taking the subway if possible."
"Okay." Kaneki sat down. He unfolded the envelope, flattening out the paper against this knee. Amon watched, taking a few quick sips of his coffee as Kaneki rifled through the paperwork. There were some things here that looked like he needed a lawyer present to sign. "Amon, if I sign these, will the CCG have the right to dissect me, or something?"
Amon snorted into his mug. "That won't happen," he assured quickly.
"The CCG isn't exactly known for its mercy toward ghouls." Kaneki stared up at the man with wide, imploring eyes. "Amon, please. What is all this?"
Amon's gaze softened considerably, and he cautiously moved closer to Kaneki's chair. He loomed over the table, a yawning shadow that gobbled up everything in sight. And then he knelt beside Kaneki's chair, and he took the papers gingerly from Kaneki's white-knuckled hands.
"Hm…" Amon's eyes flickered across the tops of each paper. He thumbed through the first three, and he set the others aside. "Okay, so this one is your map, your directions, the investigator you're meeting with, all that. This one," Amon placed his hand flat against the paper so it didn't fold up on the table, "is a basic health form. They want your medical records. Don't freak out, just contact your regular doctor, fax this form to him, have him email it to the CCG. Easy. Now this one…" He moved on to the third paper. He pointed to it, and met Kaneki's eye. They were almost eyelevel. "It's a liability waiver. You're basically signing over your right to a legal suit against the CCG for any injury you receive while working there. It's like any job, really. Except you have a much higher chance of dying while working as a ghoul investigator."
"Is that all?" Kaneki asked flatly.
"No." Amon picked up the rest of the papers. "This one is basic info about the CCG, things you need to have in order, also the benefits you get. You'll be fed and sheltered if need be, your hospital bills will be paid for, your funeral— if need be— will be a public ceremony sponsored by the CCG. General stuff."
"I love it when job benefits include funerary fees," Kaneki said with the faux enthusiasm of a man speaking to his executioner.
"Trust me, it's a really nice thing." Amon shifted through the papers with a somber expression. "Many investigators don't have families. Many do, and their families can't afford the kind of funeral investigators deserve. This is for the best."
"Okay." Kaneki couldn't help but agree when it was put like that. And, honestly, he'd never really thought about his funeral before. Who would pay for such a thing? They were costly affairs, after all.
"This one is tax stuff," Amon tossed that onto the table. "This one is a basic overview of your job description and another place you have to sign, just read over it to make sure nothing looks weird to you. Or you can wait until your interview tomorrow."
He thought about his interview with Mado back at Cochlea, and he grimaced. "If I don't pass this… evaluation," he said, choosing his words carefully, "will I get sent back to ghoul prison?"
Amon glanced at him. He bowed his head, and gathered up the papers into a neat pile.
"I'm not exactly sure," he admitted.
"Damn." Kaneki rubbed his face tiredly.
"For what it's worth, it'll go much smoother than the one with Mado did." Amon tried to look reassuring, but his expression merely made Kaneki shudder. He didn't want to think about it. "And once this is over, you'll be given the okay to start working. You will definitely need to be careful, though, since you've never been in any real fights before. Have you?"
"Um…" Kaneki wondered how he should reply, because regardless it would be a lie. "I think like, when I was in middle school there were scuffles, but…"
"Right." Amon nodded firmly. "Don't worry, you'll get proper training before you're out in the field."
"Really?" Kaneki was curious. What did training mean? Was it like training with Touka? If so, he'd much rather train with Touka than Amon. "Thank you."
"Don't worry so much, Kaneki." Amon smiled, and it was a small, genuine little thing that sat at the corners of his mouth and made the corners of his eyes wrinkle. Kaneki was surprised. This time, instead of Kaneki-san, he'd said Kaneki-kun. "We're not evil, and we do want to help you. Your offer has been the buzz of the office building all day."
"All encouraging buzz, I'd imagine," Kaneki said dryly.
"Once they actually meet you it will be different."
"Yeah." Kaneki nodded quickly. "Yeah, of course. I'm not a monster."
He wasn't really sure how true that was. Monsters came in all shapes in sizes. And he had sullied himself far too much to claim any sort of innocence.
Amon reached for his mug, but instead his hand found the worn leather cover of the book Kaneki had been looking at when he'd knocked. He dragged it closer, and Kaneki watched vacantly as he pulled it into his lap.
"La Divina Commedia," he read off the spine of the book, easy syllables falling from his lips, as though his tongue had been tempered by Roman aqueducts. "Purgatorio. Are you reading this?"
"I don't understand Italian." Kaneki gave a weak shrug. "I kinda bought it on a whim when I was younger."
"Oh. So you're probably missing the others."
"What others?"
"There are three." Amon opened the cover gingerly, as though it might fall apart at any given moment. "Inferno, Dante's most well known work, Purgatorio, which is what you have here, and the finally, Paradiso. Hell, Purgatory, and Paradise."
"Oh, right. I guess I didn't even know which one I had." Kaneki glanced away. "That's embarrassing. I'm a literature student."
Amon wasn't listening. He was looking at the inside of the book. Or, possibly, actually reading it.
"Amon?"
He looked up. He'd already flipped through the book, decidedly skimming through some bits. He looked down again.
"Ed elli a me: 'La grave condizione di lor tormento a terra li rannicchia sì che i miei occhi pria n'ebber tencione. Ma guarda fiso là, e disviticchia col viso quell che vien sotto a quei sassi: già scorger puoi come ciascun si picchia.'" The words were less fluidly spoken than the title, but Amon still held a steady grasp on how to pronounce these foreign words, and Kaneki merely sat, stunned. He felt like he was sitting with Tsukiyama, as though perhaps nothing had happened, that he was back with Hinami and Banjou and that ragtag gang that he'd assembled.
But no. It was just Koutarou Amon reading Italian.
Somehow this was freakier than it would've been if it'd been Tsukiyama. At least in some way, the rapid Italian would make sense coming from him.
This was simply weird.
"Wow," Kaneki remarked. "You know Italian?"
Amon frowned. "I know La Divina Comedia," he said. He shrugged, and he closed his eyes. "Let me think… was it, "And he said to me: 'What…ever makes them suffer their heavy torment bends them to the ground; at first I was… uh… not sure of what they were. But look intently there, and let your eyes unravel what's beneath those stones: you can already see what penalty strikes each.'"
Kaneki sat with his hands between his knees. He stared with wide eyes, a tight smile on his lips.
"Oh," he said weakly.
Amon clapped the book shut and rested it on the table. "Thank you for the coffee," he said, standing up. "I'd suggest getting a copy in a language you understand, to help you puzzle out the rest of Purgatory."
"Thank you for your help," Kaneki said vacantly. "And… for reading that. I'll definitely go ahead and buy a copy in Japanese."
"That's probably wise." Amon nodded. "I'll see you soon, Kaneki."
He offered out his hand, and Kaneki lifted himself from his chair to warily shake it.
At sure I was not sure of what they were, Kaneki thought. He stared at Amon, and he bit his lip sheepishly. "Um," he said, "what exactly was Dante talking about? In that quote you read?"
"Oh." Amon shook his head. "Well, that was spoken by Virgil, I think. They were looking at the arrogant, whose burden basically bent them so low to the ground that they looked inhuman."
"They were brought down to earth," Kaneki murmured.
"Ha, that's one way to put it." Amon smiled. "I honestly never really understood any of it. I just know that the people looked so distorted, they no longer looked like people. It's a pretty gruesome tale."
"No, I mean the prideful were humbled. That's basically the punishment they received." Kaneki blinked rapidly. "I need to go buy this book."
"You go do that." Amon laughed, waving him goodbye. "And don't get into any trouble. The CCG can't promise to protect you."
"I think I can take care of myself," Kaneki said, waving back at the man with a small smile. "But thanks, Amon."
The CCG building he had to go to for his meeting looked about the same as the other CCG. It might have been bigger. Kaneki wasn't really sure. He spent the journey there, which was not a very long trip, biting his cuticles and avoiding making eye contact with the other passengers. He was used to just walking everywhere. The subway was kinda new.
He also thought about Anteiku. What Hide had said. Avoiding his problems had always made things worse in the past. And avoiding Anteiku— he'd been a fool the first time around. He didn't want to make the same mistakes, or else, well, was any of this even worth it?
On his way from the subway station to the CCG headquarters he'd bumped into a kid. A familiar wave of déjà vu hit him as the kid bowed quickly, apologizing in a soft, giddy little voice that reminded Kaneki of childhood. Then the kid was off, bustling down a street and into a crowd, and Kaneki was left with the odd, numbing sensation that he'd been here before.
That person… smelled really good… It was an irritating thing, to be so tuned in to sense of smell that the soft, tantalizing aroma of some kid on a street made him hungry.
He sat in a waiting area after telling the receptionist his name. He felt like he was waiting for a doctor's appointment.
"Kaneki Ken?"
When Kaneki looked up, he found that the man who had spoken was broad-shouldered, heavily built middle-aged man. He was wearing a suit, as Amon had been the day before, and holding a bundle of papers in his large hands. When Kaneki stood, the man turned his face, and Kaneki noticed his large, kind eyes and his soft smile. He was a pretty large guy, but Kaneki got the impression that though he looked very sturdy, and his hair was shorn in a closely cropped militaristic style, he was far from intimidating.
"Hello," he said, gripping the strap of his beige messenger bag and staring up at the man. "Um. Shinohara Yukinori…?"
"Kaneki Ken." The man smiled warmly, and he offered out his massive hand. Kaneki took it, blinking at the firmness of his handshake. "Wow, look at you! Wait, how old are you?"
"I'm… eighteen…?" Kaneki had to think about it. His age. He'd nearly forgotten.
"Right, right, okay, just making sure." Shinohara placed his hand gently on Kaneki's back and ushered him toward the RC detector. "You look younger. Oh, this is going to go off by the way, don't worry—"
Shinohara stopped as Kaneki moved through the RC detector smoothly, glancing back at the machine as it kept itself quiet in spite of its encounter with a ghoul.
"Huh." Shinohara tilted his head. "That's funny. I'll have to make a call to make sure this thing is working."
"That detects ghouls," Kaneki said, jerking his thumb at the machine. "Right?"
"Yeah, that's its main purpose. I expect Mado's already given you the gist of RC stuff." Shinohara led him through a hall. They passed by people, but none of them gave Kaneki so much as a glance. Perhaps it wasn't common knowledge that Shinohara was interviewing the infamous half-ghoul boy.
"Yeah…" Kaneki looked down at his feet. "Um… about Mr. Mado…"
"He's a lot to take in." Shinohara shot Kaneki a sympathetic glance. They were headed up a flight of pale steps. It seemed the CCG was very brightly lit, and very white. Doves, he thought vacantly, glancing around the expansive building. "Personally, I wouldn't want to be his underling if I were in your shoes. He's not the most open minded fellow."
"No."
Kaneki must have sounded more angry and bitter than he'd meant to, because Shinohara stopped in the middle of the steps to turn back to him. People passed by them, this time shooting confused glances.
"Did he do something?" Shinohara asked.
"What…?"
"Kaneki," Shinohara said in a very soft, very fond voice, "Mado is a good man. But good men are still very flawed. If Mado did or said something to you, something that might have made you feel uncomfortable, you should tell me."
Kaneki's eyes were very wide. He felt like he was in middle school, like he was about to tattle on some kid for making a mean comment. It was humbling to be staring up at a man who seemed to know exactly what to say to make Kaneki feel like a child.
"It's…" Kaneki didn't know. He didn't want to say anything. It could make his situation worse, if everyone knew, couldn't it? He needed to be careful. He wanted to convince the CCG that some ghouls could be trusted, but to do that he also needed to convince them that he was human enough to protect.
"You don't have to tell me," Shinohara said. "I won't make you. But it might make you feel better to talk about it."
Talking about things. What a foreign concept.
"Can… we not talk about it here?" Kaneki glanced around the stairwell sheepishly.
Shinohara blinked. And then he laughed heartily. "Oh. Of course. Come on, then. This way."
They headed up the stairs, moving at a brisk pace through the hall and into a room. Shinohara closed the door behind them and offered Kaneki a seat. It was a generic looking office, though there was a window that overlooked the Tokyo skyline, which was something Kaneki appreciated. It was difficult to say if this was Shinohara's office, since it had no personality, and there was nothing to suggest that anyone really used it.
"Okay." Shinohara did not sit on the other side of the desk, but instead dragged the other chair closer to Kaneki, and flipped it around so they were facing each other. He folded his hands in his lap, and he looked at Kaneki expectantly. "Please explain. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone, or get anyone into trouble."
Kaneki sat, staring at the man vacantly. He felt so indefinably at ease, and it was jarring to him, because he didn't know this man, and he didn't want to trust this man, but somehow it was impossible not to believe that he was exactly what he seemed. His demeanor reminded Kaneki quite a bit of Banjou.
"It's not really a big deal," he said quickly. "Um… well, he bought ice cream for a friend of mine, and Amon, and… well, he already knew I can't eat normal food anymore." Kaneki shifted uncomfortably. Shinohara watched him intently. "But he insisted, so… I mean, it's really not a big deal!"
"Your taste buds have changed, right?" Shinohara leaned back in his seat. "What did it taste like?"
Kaneki grimaced. "I don't think you really want to know."
"No, I do." Shinohara's eyes widened. "Please, tell me."
"Uh… well…" Kaneki shifted in his seat. "Honestly, like… like licking cold piss off the floor of a public bathroom."
"Well that's vivid!" Shinohara gave a hearty laugh, a booming fatherly chuckle that surprised Kaneki. "And understandably awful! Listen, Kaneki, your situation is not a good one. I won't sugar coat it. Your life is gonna be hard to manage from now on, if you want to survive in the CCG, and in the human world. It might have been easier for you to abandon your humanity and run off into the bowels of Tokyo. Join a nasty ghoul organization, kill people to survive."
Kaneki sat in a stunned silence. You're not wrong, he thought sadly.
"But," Shinohara continued, speaking so firmly that he could probably pin an elephant in place, "that's not what you did. You went to the CCG, which was a pretty bold choice, and you turned yourself in without thinking about the consequences. You're a very brave boy, Kaneki Ken." He smiled, and it made his face seem worn and soft. "It's important that what you did for yourself and for others is remembered. What Mado did was for his own reasons, and I'll have a discussion with him— oh, please don't make that face, Kaneki, it's important that you're treated well. You are a person. You deserve to be treated as such."
Kaneki couldn't find the words to respond. He simply sat dazedly in the chair facing this man, this ghoul investigator who was so irrationally kind, and so unbearably intuitive. He knew exactly what Kaneki needed to hear.
"Thank… you," Kaneki said distantly.
"This meeting was supposed to be an evaluation, to see if you're actually fit, psychologically, to work for the CCG." Shinohara shrugged, rolling his eyes. "I'm not a psychiatrist. The CCG has never cared before if a person was "psychologically fit" or whatever. If they did, they'd hire someone with a real degree to talk to the people here who have a lot of internalized issues that they can't work out by themselves."
"So what you're saying is that they only care with me because I'm a ghoul." Kaneki grimaced. "Fair enough, I guess. But… if it's any consolation, I think you're really good at this."
Shinohara smiled, his head bowing a bit as his shoulder jerked in a half chuckle. "That's sweet of you," he said. "Honestly half the time I ask myself if I'm really doing any good? But it's worth it in the end. Anyway, I'm just going to ask you a couple questions. You don't have to answer, but these are things the CCG wants to know. Okay?"
"Let's go." Kaneki made a gesture, as if to tell Shinohara to hit him with his best shot. Shinohara smirked, and nodded.
The questions were similar to the ones Mado had asked, but Shinohara gave Kaneki the chance to explain himself. Kaneki was able to fully express how though his appetite dictated the need to eat people, he was dead set against doing so. He was also able to warn Shinohara that he'd become very dangerous if left starving, and that he was pretty sure that was simply the case with all ghouls, that hunger left them in a frenzy, and there wasn't much humanity left.
"You think other ghouls have humanity?" Shinohara asked curiously.
"I think it'd be ignorant to assume all ghouls are mindless beasts," Kaneki replied.
"Well said."
In the end, Kaneki ended up liking Shinohara a whole lot. Like, more than Kaneki had ever expected to like anyone in the CCG. He liked speaking to this man more than he liked even Amon, who had a tendency to dance around the topic of Kaneki being a ghoul. Shinohara addressed that. He didn't remind Kaneki of his human side, or splice him into sections, as though there was a clear distinction between himself and the ghoul organs inside him. He was very considerate, and he took Kaneki's words to heart, writing down his answers and asking questions about his sleeping habits, if he was feeling anxious or depressed since the operation, if he'd experimented with medication yet.
Kaneki was able to leave, and as he was walking toward the RC detector he heard someone calling his name. He turned, only to find Shinohara jogging toward him. There was a child gliding at his back, chin lifted toward the ceiling. When they were close enough, Kaneki was hit with a familiar aroma, the mixture of caramelized apples doused in cinnamon, cherry syrup, and something artificial, like jolly ranchers melting in someone else's mouth.
"Oh, hey!" Kaneki gasped, pointing at the child. "It's you!"
"Juuzou," Shinohara said to the child sternly. They glanced up at the man with enormous, cloudy red eyes, and they puffed out their cheeks. They turned on their heels and marched up to Kaneki, grabbing his wrist with small, dexterous fingers, and clapping something into his hand.
"Pleased to meet you, Kaneki Ken!" Juuzou chirped, drawing out every syllable with a sweet, sing song note. Ka-ne-ki Ke-en!
"Oh." Kaneki blinked rapidly. He looked down at the kid's hand, which was pale and bony, red string sticking out of his skin. Stitches? Beneath the hand, Kaneki saw his wallet. He blinked rapidly, and recalled that this had happened before, that this person, Juuzou, had stolen his wallet once. Kaneki couldn't find it in him to feign surprise. "Oh. That's my wallet."
"Juuzou," Shinohara said once again in the same stern tone. Juuzou sighed loftily.
"I am so—" Their apology was loud and almost sarcastic, clearly forced and irritated. Kaneki cut in, taking his wallet from Juuzou quickly and beaming at them.
"You found my wallet!" he gasped, his fingers brushing his chin on their way to clapping Juuzou on the shoulder. "Thank you so much, I thought I left it on the subway!"
Juuzou stared at him with large eyes and a gaping mouth. Shinohara looked just as stunned.
"Uh…" Juuzou glanced back at Shinohara. They didn't seem to know what to do or say now.
He didn't know why he did it. He supposed he understood Shinohara's intention of making Juuzou apologize, but he didn't want either of them to feel bad about it. Looking at Juuzou, Kaneki now understood a lot of Shinohara's demeanor. He was clearly in charge of Juuzou in some way, and that responsibility must have made given him the insight he'd used with Kaneki. A comfortable, fatherly figure with helpful advice to spare.
"Kaneki… Juuzou didn't…" Shinohara didn't seem to want Kaneki to be deluded into thinking Juuzou had actually rescued his wallet. So Kaneki shot him a glance, and a knowing smile, and he shrugged.
"No, it's fine," he said, "let me make it up to you both. I don't really have anything to do, and I'm not super into bracing the subway again, so maybe I can treat you guys to lunch?"
Juuzou perked up considerably, their head jerking toward Shinohara excitedly. Shinohara stared at Kaneki for a long time.
"Kaneki… that's very nice of you, but are you sure…?"
"Please." Kaneki smiled at him warmly. "It's… been awhile since I've really gone out. It'd be fun."
"Shinohara!" Juuzou was bouncing on the balls of their feet, still gripping Kaneki's wrist. Their grip had tightened, as though they were now far too reluctant to ever actually let go. "Shinohara, please, please, please, pretty please with sugar and cherries and sprinkles and—!"
"Okay, okay," Shinohara laughed. "Calm down, Juuzou, we'll go. Let me just go get my coat."
"Yay!" Juuzou looped their arm between Kaneki's hooking them together happily. "Can I get dessert, Kaneki?"
"Sure, if that's what you want."
"Awesome!" Juuzou bounced happily in place. "You're awesome!" They bounced back, and offered out their bony hand, beaming up at Kaneki. "I'm Suzuya Juuzou!"
Kaneki laughed, and shook their hand. "Pleased to meet you," he said, making them burst into a fit of sharp little giggles, likely because he'd intentionally used the same tone they had upon meeting him. "Those stitches are really interesting."
"Hm?" Juuzou looked down at their arm, and they cracked a grin. "You like them?"
"They're cool," he said, blinking down at their arm. "But didn't that hurt?"
They shook their head. "Nah." They shrugged nonchalantly. "Would it hurt you if I sewed you up?"
"Probably…" Kaneki smiled weakly. "Please don't do that."
"Ha ha! Don't be so squirmy!" Suzuya poked him in the stomach. "I won't actually do it! I was just wondering, since Shinohara said you're not like other people, and to be careful."
"Careful?" Kaneki felt his stomach drop in disappointment. "Of… me…?"
"What?" Suzuya squinted at him. "No way, be careful that I don't spook you. He said something like, 'Now Kaneki has got a lot of stuff on his mind, so don't you go teasing him with your usual bullshit!'" Suzuya snickered. "He didn't say that. But basically he said not to scare you. Did I scare you yet?"
"Are you trying to scare me?"
"Oh, no!" Suzuya shook their head. "No, no, you'd know if I was trying to scare you. But I think it's funny. You know?" They cocked their head, fluffy white hair bunching against their round cheeks. "I'm getting told not to go ahead and scare a ghoul."
Kaneki averted his eyes. He spotted Shinohara across the room, and he hoped this wasn't a huge mistake. "Does that… bother you, Suzuya?" he asked tentatively.
"What?"
"That I'm a ghoul."
Suzuya gave a mighty scoff. "Why should I care?" they hummed, reeling back on their heels. "I mean I guess I'd kill you if I was told to, but I like you! You're buying me sweets."
"Uh…" Kaneki laughed nervously. "Fair enough, I guess."
I'd kill you if I was told to.
This was Kaneki's life now. Even if he made friends, it was possible that they might be forced into playing a hand in his execution. Some time. Some place. Maybe tomorrow, or maybe never.
The possibilities were endless in this new, fucked up world.