The battlefield was on fire.
That part was normal.
What wasn't normal was the Wi-Fi.
Kyle slid behind a shattered obelisk as a fireball detonated nearby, sparks skittering across the stone. His comm-unit chimed cheerfully in his ear.
⚠ Network Stable: Arcane Mesh at 98% ⚠
"Great," Kyle muttered. "At least the signal survived."
Across from him, Brenda crouched calmly, tapping away on an enchanted tablet. Arcane sigils scrolled across the glass surface, neatly overlaid with clean, modern UI elements.
"Brenda," Kyle shouted over the roar of combat, "why do you have a tablet out during a siege?"
She didn't look up. "Exit interviews."
A lightning bolt struck the ground nearby.
Kyle stared. "During active combat?"
"Timing matters," she replied, checking a box. "We're experiencing a spike in voluntary separations."
Kyle peeked over the obelisk.
Lord Malachai the Dread stood at the center of the battlefield, his cloak billowing as dark magic coiled around him—interfacing seamlessly with hovering spell-drones that projected tactical overlays into the air. Runes and wireframe schematics floated beside him, updating in real time.
His forces moved with disciplined precision. Squad leads barked orders through crystal-linked comms. Shield matrices synced automatically. Med-drones zipped low, scanning vitals and administering first aid mid-fight.
The opposing villain's army…
Was a mess.
---
Overlord Krazith's forces were unraveling—not tactically, but administratively.
A group of his minions had stopped fighting altogether. One waved a white surrender flag. Another frantically tried to scan a scorched datapad.
"I NEVER GOT AN EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK!" a minion shouted at a towering demon lieutenant.
"You EXIST TO DIE FOR THE OVERLORD," the demon roared.
"Yes, but legally," the minion snapped, "according to the Neutral Catacombs Labor Accords—Section Twelve—I can terminate employment in unsafe working conditions!"
A fireball exploded nearby, knocking over a surveillance turret.
The minion gestured wildly. "EXHIBIT A."
---
Kyle blinked. "Are they… filing complaints?"
Brenda nodded, scrolling. "We've received seventeen asylum requests and four anonymous whistleblower reports."
"During the battle."
"Yes."
As if summoned by fate—or well-designed workflow software—a Malachai captain jogged over, visor HUD flickering with data.
"Sir," she said crisply, "we have multiple hostile units requesting immediate defection. Medical scans indicate exhaustion, untreated injuries, and severe burnout."
Malachai nodded, eyes glowing faintly beneath his helm.
"Route them to Intake Protocol Sigma," he said. "Deploy welcome packets. Ensure their comms are sandboxed until orientation is complete."
"Yes, sir."
Kyle swallowed. "We… have intake protocols for enemy henchmen."
Malachai glanced at him. "Preparedness prevents chaos."
---
Across the battlefield, Widow Hex shrieked in fury.
Her henchwomen were abandoning their posts in droves—ripping off cursed collars that sparked and died as Malachai's counter-hex signal washed over them.
One henchwoman hurled her arcane shock-baton aside. "NO PTO!"
Another shut down her combat rig mid-fight. "She charged me for spell components!"
A third raised a glowing holo-pamphlet she'd clearly downloaded during the summit.
"They have HEALTHCARE and IT SUPPORT!"
Widow Hex screamed as her forces dissolved into a cloud of rage, lawsuits, and broken loyalty.
---
Malachai raised his gauntleted hand.
Every spell-drone froze mid-air. The comm-net fell silent. Even the heroes' enchanted weapons flickered uncertainly.
"Cease engagement," Malachai commanded, his voice amplified by both magic and crystal-clear audio processing. "All parties—heroes, villains, contractors, and interns—combat operations are suspended for fifteen minutes."
A stunned hush fell over the battlefield.
"This is a protected window," Malachai continued. "No retaliation. Anyone wishing to surrender, defect, or submit grievances may do so."
Kyle watched as weapons slowly lowered.
A hero raised a glowing spear halfway. "Does this… apply to us?"
Malachai tilted his head. "Are you dissatisfied with your current benefits package?"
The hero hesitated. "…We don't get hazard pay."
Malachai nodded. "That is concerning."
---
Fifteen minutes later, the battlefield looked less like a war zone and more like a pop-up HR fair.
Spell-drones projected informational kiosks. Tablets changed hands. Med-drones hummed softly as they treated wounds without asking allegiances.
Kyle helped a former Krazith minion complete a digital intake form.
"So," the minion whispered, "this dental coverage… it's real?"
Kyle smiled. "Full coverage. Magical and non-magical procedures."
The minion's voice broke. "I lost a molar in week one."
"Welcome to the organization," Kyle said.
Nearby, Brenda conducted an exit interview with a demon using voice-to-text.
"Reason for departure?" she asked.
"My manager ate interns," the demon said flatly.
Brenda nodded. "Documented."
---
On the ridge, the Hero Vanguard regrouped, deeply unsettled.
Their commander watched Malachai oversee triage and onboarding simultaneously, spell-drones syncing with tablets and rune-projectors.
"This is wrong," she muttered.
Her lieutenant frowned. "He's using dark magic."
"Yes," she said. "But responsibly."
---
When combat resumed, it barely qualified as a skirmish.
Krazith, now largely unsupported, roared in fury before retreating through a flickering portal that clearly hadn't been maintained in years.
Widow Hex vanished in a cloud of spite and pending litigation.
Malachai surveyed the field, checking a final dashboard.
"Casualties?" he asked.
"Minimal," the captain replied. "Morale metrics are… unprecedented."
Malachai nodded. "Good. Archive today's data. Debrief at sixteen hundred. Anyone experiencing emotional strain is cleared to log off early."
A cheer rippled through the ranks.
Kyle felt it again—that dangerous feeling.
Pride.
---
As the fortress gates sealed behind them and the arcane servers hummed contentedly, Kyle walked beside Malachai.
"Sir," he said, "this changes the game."
Malachai removed his helm, eyes tired but resolute.
"Yes," he said. "That was inevitable."
Kyle hesitated. "Are we still villains?"
Malachai smiled faintly.
"Of course," he said. "We simply understand infrastructure."
Kyle laughed.
Somewhere out there, heroes and villains alike stared at their benefit statements and began asking a terrifying question:
What happens when evil modernizes?
---