The memo arrived at precisely 9:00 a.m.
That alone was impressive.
Kyle stared at the header blinking on his terminal:
SUBJECT: URGENT: Inter-Villain Summit (Attendance Mandatory, Snacks Provided)
Underneath, in smaller font:
Note: Snacks are nut-free. Please advise if you require gluten-free, dairy-free, or "no cursed wheat" options.
Kyle smiled despite himself. That was classic Malachai.
Across the break room, Brenda groaned. "Please tell me this isn't another coalition attempt."
"It says 'summit,' not 'alliance,'" Kyle said. "That's at least a fifty-percent reduction in inevitable betrayal."
She sighed. "I still have flashbacks from the last one. The Lich-Baron tried to expense soul jars as 'office supplies.'"
---
The Inter-Villain Summit was held in the Neutral Catacombs, a location chosen specifically because no one liked it. Neutral territory was important when dealing with other villains—especially ones with reputations for poor impulse control and worse leadership.
Kyle adjusted his Fortress of Calamity badge and followed Malachai into the chamber.
The contrast was immediate.
To their left stood Overlord Krazith, Supreme Devourer of Suns, screaming at a trembling minion.
"I DON'T CARE IF YOUR ARM FELL OFF," Krazith roared. "YOU SHOULD HAVE CLOCKED IN FIRST."
The minion—clearly bleeding—nodded frantically.
To the right lurked The Widow Hex, surrounded by exhausted henchwomen with dark circles under their eyes and matching cursed collars.
One of them whispered, "We haven't had a day off in eight months."
Kyle winced.
Malachai's posture stiffened—not with fear, but disappointment.
---
The meeting began poorly.
Krazith slammed a clawed fist onto the obsidian table. "WE SHOULD POOL OUR FORCES AND CRUSH THE HERO GUILDS IMMEDIATELY."
Widow Hex smirked. "And who leads?"
"ME."
"No."
"YES."
Malachai raised a single finger.
"Before we discuss leadership," he said calmly, "I'd like to address workforce sustainability."
The room went silent.
Several villains blinked.
"…what?" Krazith said.
Malachai gestured, and a projection appeared—charts, graphs, and a bar labeled Henchman Retention Rates.
Kyle felt a familiar swell of pride.
"Your turnover," Malachai continued, "is catastrophic. Krazith, your average henchman lifespan is eleven days."
Krazith puffed up. "THAT MEANS THEY DIE FOR ME."
"It means you're constantly retraining," Malachai replied. "Which is inefficient."
Widow Hex scoffed. "Fear is the only motivator that matters."
"That's demonstrably false," Malachai said, switching slides. "Competitive wages, healthcare, and basic dignity improve productivity by forty-three percent."
A henchwoman behind Widow Hex audibly whimpered.
---
During the break, Kyle wandered toward the refreshment table.
Krazith's minions hovered nearby, staring at the neatly arranged snacks like feral animals encountering civilization.
One of them whispered, "Are… are these free?"
Kyle nodded. "Yep. Take what you want."
The minion grabbed three muffins and immediately burst into tears.
"They don't dock your pay for eating?"
Kyle hesitated. "They don't dock our pay for anything unless it's actual gross negligence."
The minion stared at him. "Your villain lets you be… sick?"
Kyle nodded again.
Another minion leaned in, voice shaking. "Does he… know your name?"
Kyle smiled. "Yeah. And my partner's."
They stared at him like he'd described a myth.
---
The summit resumed with shouting.
Widow Hex accused Krazith of siphoning shared funds. Krazith accused Widow Hex of "smelling like HR violations." Several minions collapsed from exhaustion.
Malachai pinched the bridge of his nose.
"This," he said finally, voice resonating through the chamber, "is why you keep losing."
The villains froze.
"You believe cruelty equals strength," Malachai continued. "But your henchmen flee, defect, or sabotage you. Heroes don't defeat you—you defeat yourselves."
Krazith snarled. "WHAT DO YOU KNOW OF FEAR?"
Malachai turned slowly.
"I know," he said quietly, "that fear burns fast. Loyalty burns longer."
Kyle felt chills.
---
As the summit dissolved into chaos, Malachai gathered his team.
"Back to the fortress," he said. "Kyle, follow up with the dental provider. Brenda, hazard pay authorization for today. And send anonymous job postings to the Neutral Boards."
Kyle blinked. "Job postings?"
Malachai's eyes glinted beneath his helm.
"Several talented individuals here deserve better leadership."
Behind them, two of Widow Hex's henchwomen were already sneaking glances at the Fortress of Calamity pamphlet.
Kyle grinned.
Turns out, the most dangerous weapon in villainy wasn't a death ray.
It was competent management.
---