"KYLE!" Tyrix screamed, his voice somehow reaching new octaves of manic energy. "KYLE NUMBER ONE! KYLE NUMBER TWO! KYLE NUMBER THREE! Find me some PRESENTABLE guests! People the audience will recognize! People with STAR POWER! People who will make GOOD TELEVISION!"
"On it, boss!" came a chorus of three slightly different Kyle voices from somewhere off-stage.
The camera—which Ruho could now see was being operated by a floating orb of golden light—began panning across the audience. Tyrix was practically vibrating with excitement beside him, that impossible grin stretched even wider as they waited.
"Come on, come on," Tyrix muttered, watching the Jumbotron display the camera feed. "Give me someone good. Someone memorable. Someone—"
The camera stopped on a section of the mortal souls area. Focused in on a young person who looked maybe twenty-five, with styled hair, a crop top, and what could only be described as an absolutely massive ass that defied several laws of physics.
"PERFECT!" a voice called out from off-stage. "Kyle Number Five here, boss! Found a great candidate! Died last week from a heart attack! Very recent arrival! The audience will love the fresh blood angle!"
Tyrix stared at the screen. The camera zoomed in slightly on the candidate's posterior.
There was a long, painful silence.
"KYLE NUMBER FIVE!" Tyrix's voice dropped several octaves into something that sounded genuinely threatening. "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!"
"What? He's presentable! He's got a great look! Very modern! Very—"
"YOU PICKED A FEMBOY!" Tyrix screamed. "OF ALL THE SOULS IN THIS STADIUM! ALL THE LEGENDARY WARRIORS! ALL THE HISTORICAL FIGURES! ALL THE DISTINGUISHED GUESTS! YOU PICKED A RANDOM FEMBOY BECAUSE YOU'RE HORNY!"
"I'm not—I mean, I just thought—"
"YOU'RE FIRED! KYLE NUMBER SIX, YOU'RE GETTING A PROMOTION! KYLE NUMBER FIVE, YOU'RE DEMOTED TO JANITOR DUTY!"
"But boss—"
"I SAID WHAT I SAID! NOW FIND ME ACTUAL CELEBRITIES! PEOPLE WITH HISTORICAL SIGNIFICANCE! GO!"
The camera resumed panning, moving quickly past the femboy section—though Ruho noticed several audience members in that area looked disappointed. It swept across rows of souls, past gods who waved at the camera, past cryptids who hissed or roared or made whatever sounds cryptids made.
"There!" One of the Kyles called out. "Section BBB, row twelve! That's Plato! The actual Plato!"
The camera focused on an older man with a beard, wearing what looked like a toga, who was deep in conversation with the person next to him about something that was probably very philosophical.
"EXCELLENT!" Tyrix approved. "Plato! The father of Western philosophy! The student of Socrates! The teacher of Aristotle! THAT'S what I'm talking about! Guest number one, secured!"
"Got another one!" Another Kyle voice. "Section FFF, row thirty! King Leonidas of Sparta!"
The camera panned to show a muscular man in traditional Spartan armor, looking absolutely thrilled to be there. He had a drink in one hand and was chatting animatedly with what appeared to be other Spartan warriors.
"KING LEONIDAS!" Tyrix shouted to the crowd, and they erupted in cheers. "The hero of Thermopylae! The man who held off the entire Persian army with just three hundred warriors! PERFECT! Get him down here!"
The camera zoomed in on Leonidas, who suddenly looked significantly less thrilled. He waved his hand dismissively and shook his head, clearly saying something to the effect of "no thanks."
"He's... declining, boss," one of the Kyles reported nervously.
"WHAT?!" Tyrix sputtered. "You can't decline! This is compulsory! This is—"
Leonidas was now actively gesturing at someone next to him a younger woman who bore a strong family resemblance. His daughter, probably. She looked excited, bouncing in her seat, clearly volunteering to go in his place.
"He's sending his daughter instead," Kyle reported. "Uh... I think that's Gorgo? His wife? No, wait, checking the files... that's his daughter Pleistoanax."
"FINE!" Tyrix threw his hands up. "Spartan daughter of the great king! That still works! Guest number two! Moving on!"
The camera continued its search, panning past more historical figures, more souls, more entities of questionable origin.
"Boss! Section DDD! Elvis Presley!"
The camera stopped on a man in a white jumpsuit with a massive collar, sideburns that could be seen from space, and sunglasses he was wearing indoors for some reason. He gave the camera finger guns and a hip swivel.
The crowd lost their minds.
"THE KING OF ROCK AND ROLL!" Tyrix screamed. "ELVIS! PRESLEY! Guest number three is LOCKED IN! This is FANTASTIC! We've got a philosopher, a Spartan princess, and the King himself! Now give me TWO MORE! Make them LEGENDARY!"
The Kyles scrambled. The camera moved faster now, sweeping across sections of the stadium with increasing urgency. Past modern celebrities. Past ancient rulers. Past—
"WAIT!" Kyle Number Two's voice cracked with excitement. "Go back! Section A, VIP box seven! I saw—yes! YES! BOSS, WE'VE GOT A BIG ONE!"
The camera reversed course and focused on a VIP section. There, sitting in armor that looked like it had been through several wars, was a man who radiated violence. Not in a cartoonish way. In a genuine, this-person-has-killed-thousands-of-people-and-would-do-it-again way. His face was stern, scarred, and he was watching the proceedings with the intensity of someone evaluating combat opponents.
"WHO IS IT?!" Tyrix demanded. "Don't keep me waiting!"
"That's..." Kyle Number Two paused for dramatic effect. "That's Lu Bu, boss. The actual Lu Bu. The strongest warrior of the Three Kingdoms period. The man who was so dangerous that the entire Chinese coalition had to team up just to take him down. The warrior who—"
"I KNOW WHO LU BU IS!" Tyrix interrupted, his grin somehow achieving new levels of width that shouldn't be possible. "GET HIM! GET HIM RIGHT NOW! THIS IS PERFECT!"
He spun to face the audience, his arms spread wide.
"LADIES! GENTLEMEN! ENTITIES OF ALL CLASSIFICATIONS!" Tyrix's voice reached fever pitch. "OUR FIFTH AND FINAL GUEST! THE STRONGEST ASIAN WARRIOR OF HIS TIME! THE MAN WHO MADE ARMIES TREMBLE! THE WARRIOR SO FEARED THAT HIS NAME BECAME SYNONYMOUS WITH UNBEATABLE COMBAT PROWESS! THE MAN! THE MYTH! THE ABSOLUTE LEGEND!"
The crowd was on their feet. The entire stadium was shaking. Even the gods looked excited.
Tyrix pointed directly at the VIP box where Lu Bu sat, and screamed at the top of his divine lungs:
"LUUUUUUU BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"