"DRUMROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!" Tyrix's voice boomed across the stadium. "WHERE'S MY FUCKING DRUM ROLL?! KYLE!"
"Sorry sir," the stressed production assistant voice crackled back. "I was panning to all the guests, getting their reactions for the highlight reel—"
"I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR EXCUSES! PRESS THE DRUM ROLL BUTTON!"
A thunderous drum roll erupted from every speaker in the stadium, building tension, the sound rolling and crashing like waves. The crowd leaned forward in their seats. Ruho's hands were clenched into fists, his nails digging into his palms even though he was still covered in dried crocodile blood.
The drum roll reached a crescendo and then—silence.
"IN A CLOSE VOTE!" Tyrix announced, drawing out each word with agonizing slowness. "EGG-CELENT CHOICE GOT THIRD PLACE WITH ONE HUNDRED NINETY-NINE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY VOTES!"
The crowd made appreciative noises. Ruho had no idea what Egg-celent Choice was and frankly didn't want to know.
"A CLASSIC FAVORITE!" Tyrix continued. "WHEEL OF FORTUNE CAME IN SECOND WITH THREE HUNDRED AND ONE THOUSAND AND FIFTY-SEVEN VOTES!"
Louder cheers. The Wheel of Fortune section of the crowd was apparently very passionate about their game.
"AND IN FIRST PLACE!" Tyrix paused for maximum dramatic effect. "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! THE CROWD HAS SPOKEN! WITH SIX HUNDRED AND SEVEN THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED AND SEVENTY VOTES! THE WINNER IS! DIVINE DEAL OR NO DEAL!"
The stadium absolutely erupted. Confetti cannons fired again. Fireworks exploded overhead. The cheering was so loud that Ruho felt it in his teeth.
"Wait, what's Divine Deal or—" Ruho started to ask.
Reality compressed.
That's the only way he could describe it. The world folded in on itself like origami in reverse, his castle disappearing, the screen vanishing, everything shrinking down to a single point and then—
He was standing on the stage.
Not watching it on a screen. Actually physically standing on it. The lights were blinding, spotlights from every direction. The crowd was impossibly loud, a wall of sound that hit him like a physical force. He could see individual faces now—mortals, gods, creatures, all of them on their feet, all of them screaming.
He looked down at himself. Still naked except for his blood-crusted cargo pants. Still covered head to toe in dried crocodile blood. His hair was matted with it. His skin was flaking with it. He looked like he'd bathed in rust.
And standing next to him, exactly as Ruho had somehow expected, was Tyrix.
He was tall maybe seven feet and glowing with a soft golden light that seemed to emanate from his entire body. He had no facial features except for a smile. Not a mouth that was smiling. Just a smile. A giant, impossibly wide grin that stretched across where his face should be, full of perfect white teeth that were probably too numerous to be anatomically correct. He wore a classic game show host outfit sequined jacket, bow tie, dress pants and on his head was a top hat that defied physics. It had to be at least three feet tall, black silk with a silver band, staying perfectly balanced despite being completely ridiculous.
Before Ruho could ask how the structural integrity of that hat worked, Tyrix shoved a microphone into his hands.
"TELL YOUR FANS ANYTHING!" Tyrix shouted, his grin somehow widening even though that should be geometrically impossible.
Ruho looked out at the crowd. Over a million entities. All watching him. All waiting.
He lifted the microphone to his lips. "Uhh... I hope I get something good?"
The crowd ROARED. Like he'd just delivered the most profound statement in history. Cheers, applause, some people were crying. Hercules was flexing so hard his muscles had muscles. Susano-o was on his feet pumping his fist in the air.
"PHENOMENAL!" Tyrix screamed, snatching the microphone back. "KYLE! Put that clip on ALL platforms! divine social media, everywhere! I want that soundbite going viral IMMEDIATELY!"
"Yes boss," Kyle's voice responded, sounding more exhausted than before.
Ruho handed back the microphone, his brain still trying to process the fact that he was actually here, actually on stage, actually visible to over a million spectators. "Why does Kyle do everything?" he asked.
Tyrix's grin somehow conveyed a shrug. "Oh, I make all my employees change their name to Kyle so I don't have to remember names. Much more efficient. I've got seventeen Kyles on staff right now."
"That's..." Ruho searched for words. "That's actually insane."
"It's PRACTICAL," Tyrix corrected. "ANYWAY!"
He spun to face the crowd, his movements fluid and energetic, like he was powered by pure enthusiasm and possibly cocaine.
"LET ME EXPLAIN THE RULES OF DIVINE DEAL OR NO DEAL!" Tyrix announced, his voice carrying to every corner of the massive stadium without any apparent need for amplification. "For those of you who somehow DON'T know how this works—and shame on you if you don't, this is a CLASSIC—here's the premise!"
The stage behind them transformed. Platforms rose from the floor. Pedestals materialized out of light. A massive display board appeared in the air, currently blank.
"We will RANDOMLY select FIVE distinguished guests from our audience!" Tyrix explained, gesturing dramatically. "Each guest will be given THREE suitcases! Inside these suitcases are PRIZES! Two of the suitcases contain GOOD things! Wonderful things! Things like increased mana capacity! Magical items! Divine blessings! Skill upgrades! All the good stuff that will help our struggling mortal survive another day in his nightmare world!"
The crowd cheered. Ruho felt his hope rising despite himself.
"BUT!" Tyrix held up a finger, his grin taking on a slightly more sinister quality. "One of the three suitcases contains something BAD! Very bad! Things like curses! Stat decreases! Temporary debuffs! Summons for hostile creatures! All the terrible things that will make his already miserable existence even MORE entertaining for us to watch!"
The crowd cheered even LOUDER. Apparently the possibility of his suffering was more exciting than his success.
"Ruho will choose ONE suitcase from each of the five guests!" Tyrix continued. "That's five total choices! He doesn't know which suitcases contain good prizes and which contain bad! It's all LUCK! All CHANCE! All completely RANDOM! And at the END of the show, we reveal what he got! Will he walk away with five amazing prizes? Will he get five terrible curses? Will it be a mix? WHO KNOWS!"
The display board lit up, showing five empty slots labeled Guest 1 through Guest 5, each with three suitcase icons beneath them.
Ruho stared at the board, his mind racing. "Wait, so it's just... I pick, and I find out later what I got?"
"EXACTLY!" Tyrix said. "Pure chance! No skill involved! Just raw, beautiful, chaotic probability! Isn't it WONDERFUL?"
"That's just gambling," Ruho said flatly. "You're making me gamble for survival resources."
"I'm making you PARTICIPATE in divine entertainment!" Tyrix corrected. "There's a difference! Now come on!"
Before Ruho could protest further, Tyrix grabbed his arm the glowing hand was warm but not burning and pulled him off to the side of the stage. The lights dimmed slightly, and suddenly they were in a smaller space. Not the stadium anymore. A backstage area, maybe? It looked like a dressing room mirrors with lights around them, racks of clothes, a makeup station.
"Okay, quick briefing," Tyrix said, his manic energy dialing down to merely intense instead of overwhelming. "We've got a four-minute ad break right now."
"Ad break?" Ruho repeated. "For what? Who's advertising during a divine game show?"
"Oh, tons of people," Tyrix said casually. "Afterlife real estate companies, soul insurance providers, reincarnation consultants. Death is a big business, kid. Anyway, during the break, my team is going to randomly select five guests from the audience. Could be anyone—mortal souls, gods, cryptids, historical figures, whatever. Completely random selection."
"Okay..."
"Then we prepare the suitcases," Tyrix continued. "Each guest gets three cases. We put two good prizes in two of them, one bad prize in the third. The guests don't know which is which—they're sealed and magically scrambled so even divine entities can't tell them apart by looking."
"So it's truly random," Ruho said slowly. "I just pick and hope for the best."
"EXACTLY!" Tyrix's grin widened again. "Isn't it thrilling? The pure chaos of it all? You could walk away as a powerful mage with increased stats and magical items! Or you could end up cursed, weakened, and with a pack of hostile monsters spawning in your castle! It's FANTASTIC television!"
"It's a nightmare," Ruho muttered.
"Same thing!" Tyrix said cheerfully. "Now, the ad break is almost over. I'm going to teleport you back to the stage. Just stand there, look presentable—well, as presentable as you can while covered in blood—and we'll bring out the first guest. Got it?"
"Do I have a choice?"
"NO!"
Reality folded again, and Ruho was back on stage, the lights blazing, the crowd roaring, Tyrix beside him with that impossible grin.
"WELCOME BACK!" Tyrix shouted to the audience. "Did you miss us? Of course you did! Now, let's meet our FIVE RANDOMLY SELECTED GUESTS who will be holding Ruho's fate in their hands! Or rather, in their suitcases! KYLE! Bring out our first guest!"
Ruho stood there, covered in blood, exhausted, terrified, and watched as his fate was about to be determined by random chance and divine entertainment.
This was his life now.
And over a million people were watching.