Shreya--
I opened my eyes in the morning. Mornings are lovely time, pure air, slight orange/ pink sky welcoming sun, cold breeze than whole day, if you woke up at right scheduled time, you will be happy and motivated. I usually go on walk and complete my target steps in morning. But today is D-Day. Some people coming to see me, probable intention of marriage. And before future bride, I am servant of my house (free of cost/ good).
My job is to look over everything things in house is placed good or not, where dusting required, either I will clean myself or I will inform our house help aunty. About being future bride what if I say I really don't want to marry. You can't pull that in Indian family " Please I don't feel comfortable with strangers, I don't want to sacrifice my comfort, I am happy with my parents, I can earn and provide for myself, I can do this and that but not marriage" you will be shut down by your mother's immense emotional drama, father's diplomatic advice and elder siblings will blame you for burdening on parents with all this shit. People might think," You don't get courage girl, just leave the parents house and buy your own, choose partner by your own and stop the drama". Have anyone thought about how our society formed on weak ideology of girl leaving home , and considered someone who's belong to other family from her born. Let's not get deep into that because it's very common pain of indian or any global women out there. But my point is l love my parents. They love me too. When they are weak they need me. You will say your brother is there. He will take care for them. Then it will open new issue😂. Nobody can take care of parents more than daughters do. And I am person I want to do it as long as I can. Idea of marriage is very philosophical in my mind. Ideally I shall be marry to person whom I love from my heart in good or bad. Whom I trust the most. Who love me and protect me whenever needed in any situations. This realistically very challenging when you find a man, you fall in love... I mean in arranged marriage where window of 1 year is maximum. To know eachother. You fall in love or not, in next two year after marriage, result of that shall be in your arms as baby. ( Ideal arranged marriage). And I am not person you bind with timelines, do forceful things , make me perform responsibilities. No.
Parents forcing me. I tried to convince them, just dodged long time and buy myself more time from that all arranged dates. So I thought in my mind. It's really time to leave the home. But I can't without husband ( Don't consider me incapable, I can leave right now, but person who values love, emotions and efforts can't just ignore and hurt people they love.So my current situation is pitiful. Some people might say "why you can't find by yourself, all problems will be solved". Believe me, I want to. But I have my limitation.(It's deep topic, if you ask I am beautiful -yes, I am normal- yes then what's stopping me ? High standards- No. I can provide for myself. Basic human common sense and Deep emotional maturity and sincere efforts are important. I couldn't find. ( Ok I accept, somewhat good looks- Think one day I am so angry on my partner and same time I loathe his looks also geez... I personally feel when you're angry, and you look at your person, your anger should subside even in small percentage. In end we can't refuse destiny. I just continued arranging things in house like good host before event, and I got ready. And all my family members ( 6 people and me waiting). Don't feel so cliche about filmy scene. None of them know me or my intention. Or anyone care to know. It's like I am lingering responsibility they want to hand over fast to owner. It's the most pitiful you feel in life, when you given 100% sincere efforts in life ( career, being capable financially, never intentionally hurt anyone, always kind, or being typical good girl.) I hate this word. "Good girl". It stung. My idol once said good girls can't make history, but bold one can. Well I think it's time maybe.