Chapter 41: The Breakfast of Champions and the Class of Calamity (Now with 100% More Deer)
[A/N: No chapter tomorrow, folks! I'm taking a much-needed break to fry my brain cells in a different way—by playing a horror mod in Minecraft with the boys. If I survive the jump-scares, I'll be back with more chaos soon. Enjoy today's chapter while I go try not to scream!]
[Inko Midoriya POV]
The smell of burnt sugar and unconditional love is the signature scent of the Midoriya household, but today, there was a new chef in the kitchen. And by 'chef,' I mean a small child with a spatula that looked like it could double as a heavy-duty construction tool.
"Careful with the flip, Eri-chan!" I said, my hands hovering nervously. I used my Quirk to subtly pull the hot pan back an inch every time it wobbled. My heart was doing a drum solo against my ribs.
Eri was standing on a step-stool, wearing an apron that was three sizes too big. It featured a cartoon rabbit holding a carrot—Sunny's design, which I'm fairly certain he printed using a 4D printer he found in a cereal box. Her face was a mask of sheer, unadulterated focus. Her tongue poked out of the corner of her mouth as she wielded the spatula like a sacred sword.
"I can do it, Ms. Inko," she whispered fiercely. "Sunny-nii and Izuku-nii need big energy for the big school. If they don't eat, their Quirks will get... skinny."
[FLAP-THWACK!]
The pancake flipped. It didn't just land; it performed a triple-axel in the air, whistled a jaunty tune, and landed on the plate. It wasn't a perfect circle. In fact, it looked suspiciously like All Might's face if he had been sat on by a Hippo, but to my eyes, it was a Michelin-star masterpiece.
"Morning, chefs! Is it time for the caloric intake sequence?!"
[ZOOOOM!]
Sunny didn't walk into the kitchen; he blurred in. He slid across the linoleum on his socks, executed a 360-degree spin that turned his legs into a literal tornado, and landed in a chair just as a plate of pancakes slid across the table.
[SCREECH-HALT!]
The plate stopped perfectly in front of him. Sunny's eyes didn't just widen—they popped out of his head on literal springs, extending three inches forward before retracting with a loud [BOING!].
"Eri-chan! Is this the legendary 'Smash-Stack'? I can feel the 'Plus Ultra' radiating off the syrup!"
"I made it," Eri said, puffing out her chest so far she nearly tipped over backward. "For your first day. Don't let the mean teachers eat it."
Izuku walked in a moment later, looking pale enough to be a ghost's understudy. He was clutching his backpack straps so hard his knuckles were white. "I... I think my stomach is trying to exit through my throat. The nerves, Sunny. They're... they're physical."
"Eat the pancake, Izu-chan," Sunny said, his arm suddenly stretching three feet across the table to shove a forkful into Izuku's mouth. "It's got 'Brave Vitamins' and 0% Logic. It's exactly what you need for UA."
Izuku chewed, swallowed, and blinked. A single, sparkling tear rolled down his cheek. "It's... it's really good, Eri. I feel like I can actually face Kacchan without vibrating into a different dimension."
I watched them eat—my two boys and the little girl who had become the heart of our home. Sunny was vibrating with chaotic energy, Izuku was muttering about hero laws, and Eri was beaming.
"Be safe," I whispered as they packed up. "And Sunny... please try not to rewrite the school constitution on the first day? Or the laws of gravity?"
Sunny winked, pulling a yellow fedora out of thin air and tipping it. "No promises, Ma. The script goes where the script goes, and currently, the script is calling for a musical number or a high-speed chase!"
[Sunny Midoriya POV]
The walk to UA was less of a commute and more of a localized disaster.
"I AM A HIGH SCHOOLER NOW! PREPARE THE SACRIFICES!" Aqua announced to the neighborhood. She was wearing the UA uniform, but she'd somehow modified the skirt to be floor-length and added a translucent blue shawl that fluttered even when there was no wind. She was also carrying a staff she'd made out of a frozen PVC pipe and a blue Christmas ornament.
"You got in on a recommendation because Nezu thinks your water tricks are 'scientifically impossible,' not because you're a student," I deadpanned, walking on the top of a picket fence like a tightrope walker.
"Silence, shut-in NEET! My 'Scientifically Baffling' nature is a gift to this prestigious academy!" Aqua huffed, then immediately tripped over a pebble and fell face-first into a puddle. [SPLUT!] "WAHHHH! SUNNY! THE WATER REJECTED ME! IT'S A SIGN! THE SCHOOL IS CURSED!"
"Get up, you useless goddess," I sighed, reaching down and pulling her up like a flat piece of paper before shaking her back into 3D.
"Sunny-kun!"
[GLACK-POW!]
A blur of beige and red tackled me from the side. Himiko Toga latched onto my arm, her weight causing my body to stretch like a piece of taffy. She was wearing the uniform too, but she'd kept her signature messy buns and added enough cute, blood-splattered keychains to her bag to make a forensic scientist sweat.
"I missed you!" she chirped, nuzzling into my shoulder. "I haven't seen you since last night! That's like... eight hours! I started drawing your face on my toast this morning, but then I ate it! Does that make me a cannibal?!"
"That's... sweet? I think? Let's go with 'concerningly loyal,'" Izuku muttered, walking on my other side and looking at his "Hero Analysis" notebook for comfort.
We crested the hill, and there it was. The massive glass fortress of UA High. The sun hit the windows, creating a lens flare so bright it actually had a copyright symbol in the corner.
"Showtime, folks," I grinned, snapping my white gloves. [SNAP!] The sound echoed like a gunshot. "The prologue is over. Season One starts now. Roll the credits! Wait, no, don't roll the credits yet, we just started!"
We walked through the gates. The halls were huge, designed for giants, people with ego problems, and apparently, people who enjoyed walking three miles to the bathroom. We found the door to Class 1-A. It was massive.
"It's big," Izuku gulped.
"It's a compensation for something," I noted, checking the hinges.
"It's not made of gold! I demand a refund!" Aqua critiqued.
I didn't knock. I didn't wait. I reared back my foot, which grew to three times its normal size for a split second, and kicked the door open. [K-BAM!]
The classroom was already a war zone. Iida Tenya was currently chopping the air so hard he was creating localized wind currents that were blowing the hair of everyone in the front row.
"REMOVE YOUR FEET FROM THE DESK!" Iida roared, his arm moving like a windshield wiper on high speed. "It is an insult to the upperclassmen! It is a violation of the sacred sanctity of the educational lumber!"
Bakugo was leaning back, feet crossed on the wood, looking like he was bored of reality. "Hah? Eat my dust, Four-Eyes. Or I'll dismantle you and turn you into a very loud, very annoying toaster."
"YOU! DISPECTFUL BRUTE!" Iida gasped, his glasses fogging up with pure indignation.
"Oh, look," Aqua whispered loudly, stepping into the room and striking a goddess pose. "It's the Tsun-Tsun Boom Boy. He's doing his 'Angry Hedgehog' routine again. It's so Season 1. Get some new material, sparky!"
Bakugo's head snapped toward us. His eyes went white with rage, and small explosions started popping in his palms. [POP! FIZZ!] "WHO ARE YOU CALLING A HEDGEHOG, YOU USELESS PUDDLE?! I'LL BOIL YOU INTO STEAM AND USE YOU TO IRON MY SHIRTS!"
"Try it! My 'Sacred Steam' will give you perfect creases!" Aqua stuck out her tongue.
"Izu-kun!"
Behind us, Ochaco Uraraka appeared, beaming. "You made it! I was looking for you!"
Izuku immediately turned into a tomato. A literal tomato. His head rounded out, turned bright red, and a small green stem popped out of his hair. [POOF!] "U-Uraraka-san! Y-Yeah! I... uh... the door is... structurally sound!"
"He's malfunctioning again," Toga giggled, poking Izuku's red, vegetable-like cheek. "Look, Ochaco-chan, you broke him! He's organic!"
I left them to their rom-com shenanigans. I saw the usual suspects—Tokoyami brooding in a corner that was somehow darker than the rest of the room, Mina waving frantically like she was trying to guide a plane to land, and Kirishima showing off teeth that were definitely not approved by the Japanese Dental Association.
But then, I saw a floating uniform.
Toru Hagakure.
I slid across the floor—literally slid, my feet not moving an inch as a 'WHOOSH' sound effect followed me—until I was standing right in front of her desk. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my oversized, swirling "Toon Specs." I put them on.
"Well, hello there," I purred, leaning on her desk with a classic Bugs Bunny swagger. I pulled a carrot out of nowhere and took a loud crunch. [CRUNCH!] "I've seen a lot of optical illusions in my time. Mirages, holograms, Aqua's dignity... but you? You're the real deal, Invisible Girl. You've got a sparkle that can't be hidden by a lack of photons."
The empty uniform stiffened. "Y-You... you're doing the glasses thing! Can you... can you see me?"
"The glasses don't lie, sweetheart," I winked. A literal heart-shaped bubble floated out of my ear and popped with a [KISS] sound. "Name's Sunny. But you can call me... tonight. Or tomorrow. I'm flexible. Literally." I tied my arm into a knot to prove the point.
"Smooth as sandpaper," Jirou deadpanned from the next desk. She was twirling her earphone jacks, looking amused. "Is that your opening line for everyone, Gag-Boy?"
"Only the ones with 'Main Character' potential, Earbuds," I shot back. "Hey, Sparky! Did you fix that short-circuit issue, or are we going 'Whey' today?"
Denki Kaminari grinned from behind Jirou. "You know it! I'm operating at 100% capacity! No more brain-farts for me!"
"We'll see," Jirou muttered.
[Toru Hagakure POV]
I think I'm going to faint. My uniform is shaking.
Nobody sees me. Not really. They talk to my sleeves. They look through my chest. But Sunny? When he puts on those ridiculous, swirling glasses, his eyes actually track my face.
"He's weird," I whispered to myself, clutching my chest (which nobody could see). "But... he's the only one who doesn't treat me like a window."
The classroom was absolute chaos.
To my left, Himiko Toga had gotten bored. She walked up to Sunny—who was still leaning on my desk—and just... bit his arm.
[CHOMP!]
"Ow! Hey! I'm not a chew toy!" Sunny yelped.
"I need sugar!" Toga chirped, hanging off his arm like a blonde backpack. "Your blood tastes like strawberry Fanta today! It's bubbly!"
On the other side of the room, Momo Yaoyorozu was having a polite disagreement with a short, purple-headed boy who looked like he was vibrating with perversion.
"I assure you," Momo said, her voice icy enough to freeze the air. "If you attempt to look under my skirt again, the consequences will be... gravitationally significant."
She opened her hand. A Russian Nesting Doll popped out. Then another. Then a literal 100-ton iron anvil materialized above Mineta's head, held up by a single, thin thread of silk.
"Eep!" Mineta shrieked, his eyes turning into dinner plates.
Meanwhile, Aqua was arguing with Bakugo.
"I am thirsty! This school is a desert! Where is my tribute?!" Aqua complained.
"DRINK FROM THE SINK, YOU USELESS WATER-BOTTLE!" Bakugo screamed.
"NEVER!" Aqua raised her hands. "SACRED WATER CREATION!"
A literal geyser erupted from the floor tiles. [GUSH!] It sprayed everywhere, soaking Iida, who looked like his soul was leaving his body through his wet glasses.
"NO RUNNING! NO FLOODING! NO BREAKING THE PLUMBING!" Iida chopped the air, splashing water into his own mouth.
"Wheee!" Mina Ashido shouted. She threw her hands down, and a slick layer of acid coated the floor. "Slip-n-Slide time!"
Kirishima slipped on the acid, slid across the room like a curling stone, and crashed into Sero, who accidentally shot tape that wrapped Ojiro's tail to the ceiling fan.
The fan turned on. [WHIRRR!] Ojiro started spinning like a helicopter.
"This is my life now," Ojiro said politely as he rotated.
I looked at Sunny. He was laughing. He pulled a conductor's baton out of his ear and started waving it to the rhythm of the chaos.
[Shota Aizawa POV]
I stood outside the door.
I had been standing there for sixty seconds. In that time, I had heard:
An explosion.
The sound of a tidal wave.
Someone being bitten.
The unmistakable sound of a ceiling fan struggling under the weight of a teenager.
A slide whistle.
"Rationality is not just dead; it's been buried in a shallow grave," I whispered to my sleeping bag.
I unzipped the bag. I stood up. I activated my Quirk. My hair rose. My eyes glowed a murderous red. I slid the door open.
"If you're here to make friends, pack up and leave."
The silence should have been instant.
But Sunny Midoriya was currently hanging from the ceiling light fixture by his toes, eating popcorn out of a bag that said 'PLOT ARMOR' on the side. He looked at me and waved a four-fingered hand.
"Late entrance, Sensei! You missed the first three gags! We'll have to do them in the flashback!"
I ignored him. I looked at the flooded floor. I looked at the anvil. I looked at the boy spinning on the fan.
"It took you eight seconds to quiet down," I lied. It wasn't quiet. Aqua was still sobbing about her wet socks. "Time is a limited resource. You kids aren't rational enough."
I walked to the podium.
"I'm Shota Aizawa. Your homeroom teacher. And I'm already considering early retirement."
"A CATERPILLAR!" Aqua screamed, pointing at my discarded sleeping bag. "IT'S A DEMON BEAST FROM THE ABYSS! PURIFY IT! PURIFY IT!"
"Shut up," I said, flashing my eyes at her. She froze, her mouth open in a silent wail.
"We have a lot to cover," I said, pulling a stack of gym uniforms out of my bag. "Normally, a class has 20 students. But due to... extenuating circumstances involving a principal who spends too much time on Reddit and government intervention... Class 1-A has been expanded to 24 students."
"Twenty-four?" Iida asked, raising his hand while still dripping wet. "But the desks... the logistics..."
"Logic doesn't apply here, Robot-Boy," Sunny interrupted, dropping from the ceiling and landing with a [SQUEAK] sound.
"Put these on," I ordered, tossing the uniforms. "Head to the grounds. We're doing a Quirk Apprehension Test."
"A test?" Uraraka gasped. "But the ceremony? The orientation?"
"If you want to be heroes, you don't have time for frilly ceremonies," I said. "UA is about freedom. Including the freedom to cut the boring stuff."
I turned to leave. But then, I felt it.
A disturbance in the very fabric of my sanity.
It smelled like chalk dust, forest floor, and deer crackers.
The wall next to the door didn't explode. It didn't melt. It simply... stopped being a wall and became a pile of LEGO bricks. [KLATTER!]
From the dust, a figure emerged. She was wearing a tan school uniform that was definitely not UA standard. She had short brown hair.
And she had antlers. Giant, logic-defying antlers.
[NUN!] (The sound effect appeared in physical letters behind her).
The girl stood there, striking a pose that defied several bones in the human body. She reached into her pocket, pulled out a deer cracker, and took a bite. [CRUNCH!]
"Sorry I'm late! The train was delayed by a herd of philosophical stags who wanted to discuss the ethics of grazing!" she announced. "I am Shikanoko Noko! And I smell... CHOCOLATE-FLAVORED CHAOS!"
The class stared. Bakugo's sparks died. Iida's arm stopped chopping.
Sunny Midoriya's face lit up like a supernova. His jaw literally hit the floor. [THUD!]
"SHIKA-CHAN?!"
"SUNNY-BOY?!"
They ran at each other. They didn't just run; their legs became 'blur-wheels' of speed. They jumped in slow motion.
In mid-air, they high-fived.
[CLAP-BOOM!]
The sound wasn't a clap. It was a shockwave of pure, unadulterated brain-rot energy. A ripple of pastel colors washed over the room, turning the desks into giant marshmallows for three seconds before they snapped back.
"The duo is reunited!" Sunny cheered, landing on a desk and pulling out a trumpet. "The Toon and the Deer! Reality doesn't stand a chance! We're going to break the fourth wall and use the pieces as confetti!"
"Let's go break some physics! I brought extra crackers!" Noko cheered, pulling a banana out of her left antler and a bazooka out of her right.
I looked at the hole in the wall. I looked at the deer-girl. I looked at Sunny.
"I need a raise," I whispered. "I need a raise, and a nap, and maybe a lobotomy."
I turned around.
"Everyone. Outside. Now. Before the deer starts eating the curriculum."
[CLACK!]
[TO BE CONTINUED]