Chapter 42: The Quirk Apprehension Test (Or: Why I Should Have Become a Cat-Sitter)
(Shota Aizawa POV)
The smell of scorched rubber and ozone is standard for a Hero Course exam.
The smell of strawberry-scented glitter and aggressive nostalgia? That's new.
I stood on the sidelines of P.E. Ground Gamma, tapping my finger against my capture weapon. The sun was beating down, reflecting off the shiny, ridiculous pinstripe suit of the boy currently defying gravity on top of the entrance gate.
Sunny Midoriya. The "Showrunner."
I looked down at my clipboard. Nezu had handed it to me this morning with a manic grin. Usually I have twenty students. This year? Twenty-four — twenty-five if you count Hatsume auditing. Twenty-five headaches. A logistical nightmare. Especially since half of them belong to a "band" that apparently treats the laws of physics as polite suggestions.
"If this class fails," I muttered to the empty air, "I'm retiring. I'll buy a small cabin in the woods. I'll raise cats. I will never look at a cartoon again."
But as I watched the students filing out—a sea of 24 faces ranging from "Determined Hero" to "Literal Deer"—I felt a familiar headache forming.
[The Locker Room Incident: 10 Minutes Prior]
I had been monitoring the feeds. Then I saw Minoru Mineta.
The boy was angling a vintage Polaroid camera over the partition wall toward the girls' side. "Just one pic for the blog! The world needs to see—"
[BOING!]
A white-gloved hand stretched from a ceiling vent—extending fifteen feet—and plucked Mineta off the wall. Sunny Midoriya dropped down in a tuxedo.
"Nuh-uh, short stack," Sunny chirped in that bouncy Brooklyn lilt. "No paparazzi allowed on set."
Sunny pulled a comically large lever that appeared out of the floorboards. [FWOOMP!] A giant red boxing glove on a spring shot Mineta out the skylight. He landed back in the locker room three seconds later, holding a moon rock and wearing a t-shirt that said: 'I Went to Space and All I Got Was Concussed.'
The "Normie" students—Iida, Uraraka, Todoroki, Kirishima, and the others—stared with their jaws hitting the floor.
"Is... is he allowed to do that?" Tenya Iida asked, his arm chopping the air at 90 degrees. "That is a severe violation of school safety protocols!"
Katsuki Bakugo just scoffed, zip-tying his own gauntlets. "Shut up, Four-Eyes. That's just 'Tuesday' for the Gag-Boy."
[The Assembly]
"Welcome to the Hero Course," I said, my voice deadpan.
The 24 students gathered. The Chaos Crew (Izuku, Bakugo, Aqua, Toga, Mina, etc.) stood with the smug confidence of people who had already survived a world-ending event. The Missing 12 (the newcomers) looked like they had wandered into the wrong anime.
"This is the Quirk Apprehension Test," I continued. "Usually, this involves eight physical tests. But Nezu says you're 'advanced.' So we're doing an obstacle course. City Block Gamma. Robots. Traps."
I glanced at the roster. Mei Hatsume was standing there, covered in grease and holding a blowtorch.
"Hatsume," I sighed. "You're a Support Course student. Why are you here?"
"Sunny-kun said I could audit the class if I built him a 'Reality-Stable' drum set!" she cheered. "Look at my babies, Sensei!"
"Whatever. Just don't blow up the gate."
I pointed to the course. "Capture the targets. Minimize damage. Use your heads. And Sunny? If you drop a 50-ton weight on a building, I am expelling you."
[The Course: Chaos vs. Reality]
The test was a fever dream.
Izuku Midoriya moved like a glitch in the Matrix. He didn't just run; he slid through the environment using "Frame-Data" movement he'd learned from Sunny. He dismantled a 3-Pointer robot with a single flick, his notebook out, scribbling: 'Robot Joint-Stress Analysis: 4/10.'
Ochaco Uraraka watched him, her eyes wide. "How is he moving like that?! He's... he's skipping frames!"
Tenya Iida tried to keep pace, but Noko Shikanoko (Nokotan) zoomed past him on all fours, her antlers sparking. "SHIKANOKO NOKONOKO KOSHITANTAN!" she screamed, headbutting a robot into a pile of flour.
"That student is a biological anomaly!" Iida yelled, his engines stalling in confusion.
Shoto Todoroki froze a whole street, but Aqua immediately ran over, crying. "MY DIVINE BOOTS ARE GETTING COLD! GOD BLOW!" She punched the ice, turning it into a tropical fountain that drenched Eijiro Kirishima.
"Hey! Not manly, Goddess-lady!" Kirishima shouted, shaking water off his hardened skin.
Yuga Aoyama tried to fire his laser, but Sunny reached into the "camera angle" and moved the beam so it spelled out "I LIKE CHEESE" across the sky.
"MY ART!" Aoyama gasped, posing dramatically.
Fumikage Tokoyami and Dark Shadow were doing great until Denki Kaminari accidentally turned himself into a neon disco ball. "I'm a lightbulb! Look at me go!"
"The light... it burns the darkness..." Tokoyami muttered, retreating into a shadow cast by Mezo Shoji's multiple arms.
Tsuyu Asui and Hanta Sero were swinging through the rafters, looking relatively normal until they saw Himiko Toga drinking a strawberry milkshake that made her turn into a 2D cutout of Aizawa.
"I'm Sensei! Everyone is expelled! Tee-hee!" Toga giggled.
"I'm right here, Toga," I muttered from the observation deck.
[The Zero-Pointer: The Grand Finale]
The ground shook. The Zero-Pointer emerged, but it had a giant mustache drawn on it.
"DIRECTOR ON SET!" Sunny yelled, pulling a megaphone out of his ear. [HONK!]
"Momo! Set design!"
Momo Yaoyorozu created a tungsten trampoline. "Structure confirmed!"
"Bakugo! Percussion!"
"SHUT UP!" Bakugo screamed, blasting the robot's head with a rhythmic [POP-POP-BOOM] that sounded like a drum solo.
"Nokotan! Feed the beast!"
Nokotan threw a giant deer cracker. The robot stopped, confused.
"Everyone else! GANG UP!"
Mashirao Ojiro, Rikido Sato, Koji Koda, and Shoji looked at each other, shrugged, and tackled the robot's legs. Hanta Sero taped the arms. Koda summoned a swarm of pigeons to distract the sensors. Todoroki and Bakugo combined fire and ice to create a steam explosion.
Sunny snapped his fingers. [POOF!]
The Zero-Pointer didn't crash. It turned into a giant, 100-foot tall marshmallow version of itself that let out a squeaky fart sound.
[The Results]
We gathered at the finish line. The 12 "Normies" were trembling. The Chaos Crew was eating cookies.
"Here are the scores," I said, projecting the hologram.
UA HERO COURSE: CLASS 1-A (EXPANDED ROSTER)
Izuku Midoriya — 98
Surgical. Stop frame-skipping during my lectures. This is a school, not an edit bay.
Momo Yaoyorozu — 96
Flawless execution. Please confiscate Sunny's measuring tools and teach him what a ruler is.
Katsuki Bakugo — 95
Overwhelming force. The rhythmic explosions were controlled. I hate that sentence.
Shoto Todoroki — 94
Exceptional output. Lost focus when confronted with deer-related variables.
Tenya Iida — 92
Peak efficiency. Unfortunately, efficiency cannot outrun slapstick.
Fumikage Tokoyami — 90
Excellent control. Dark Shadow has stolen Sunny's gloves again.
Mina Ashido — 89
Unmatched mobility. Acid should not be this… festive.
Kyoka Jirou — 88
Perfect frequency control. Bass-dropping robots was unnecessary but effective.
Ochaco Uraraka — 87
Strong rescue instincts. Gravity is not supposed to rebound.
Tsuyu Asui — 86
Consistent performance. Disturbingly well-adjusted.
Eijiro Kirishima — 85
Outstanding durability. Avoid divine blessings mid-test.
Noko Shikanoko — 84
No official comment. There are antlers in my coffee.
Mezo Shoji — 83
Excellent situational awareness. Thank you for not screaming.
Himiko Toga — 82
Highly adaptable. Stop turning into faculty.
Denki Kaminari — 81
High output. Being a lighthouse is not a combat role.
Hanta Sero — 80
Creative restraint. The marshmallow was avoidable.
Mei Hatsume — 79 (Auditor)
Too many inventions. All of them screaming.
Mashirao Ojiro — 78
Solid fundamentals. Needs more narrative flair.
Rikido Sato — 77
Impressive strength. Sugar crash coincided with a sound effect.
Yuga Aoyama — 76
Laser control adequate. Stop sparkling. It affects the frame rate.
Koji Koda — 75
Effective animal coordination. Pigeons are not subtle.
Aqua — 74
Cease selling holy water to inanimate objects.
Minoru Mineta — 70
Score adjusted for orbital re-entry trauma.
Sunny Midoriya — ERR
STATUS: UNSCORABLE.
NOTE: See me after class. Bring nothing that honks.
"Sunny," I said, rubbing my temples. "You turned the exam into a Sunday morning special. Why?"
"The pacing was off, Teach!" Sunny grinned, handing me a mug that appeared out of thin air. It read: '#1 Eraser-Dad.' "We needed a hook for the season premiere!"
I took a sip. It was the best coffee I'd ever had.
"Detention," I said.
"Worth it!" the 24 students cheered (mostly).
I looked at them. All twenty-four of them. Loud, bruised, glitter-stained, half-soaked, half-feral, laughing like they'd just survived something together instead of being graded for it.
This wasn't how bonds were supposed to form. Usually it took months. Shared fear. Quiet trust. Near-failures. Not… whatever this was.
But they were already moving as a unit. Teasing, covering each other's blind spots, finishing jokes and attacks with the same instincts. No hierarchy yet, no polish, just raw alignment. Like they'd already agreed, without talking, that if one of them fell, the rest would trip the world trying to catch them.
It settled behind my eyes. Heavy. Persistent.
A headache.
…Not the worst one I'd ever had.
I turned away before anyone could read it on my face.