The problem with Kael the ironclad was that he was too efficient.
He didn't have a tragic backstory. He didn't have a brooding love interest. He didn't even have a catchphrase. He believed in reinforced steel plating, high-yield explosives, and the unrivaled effectiveness of a naked blade to the face.
For fifteen years, he had served as the Kingdom's ultimate problem solver. Monsters? Smashed. Rebellions? Crushed. Nuanced diplomatic negotiations? Kael usually solves this by standing calmly in the corner, thumbing the pommel of his sword until everyone agrees out of fear.
"Wait here," Kael said. His voice sounded like a dungeon door slamming shut. "I'll handle the Demon queen. You will guard the perimeter. Avoid engaging until absolutely required. And, Lieutenant, straighten your tie. "You appear slovenly." "Yes, sir!" the Lieutenant responded, adjusting his collar.
He was currently standing outside the gigantic, heart-shaped double doors of the Spire of Desire. He inspected his wrist-mounted crossbow. Loaded. Diplomacy inspected the straps on the enormous greatsword slung across his back Secure. "Breaching in three, two, one," Kael grumbled to himself. He did not bother trying the handle. He lowered his shoulder and slammed into the doors with the energy of a speeding cart. The ancient, magical mahogany erupted inward, filling the throne room with splinters. Kael stomped inside, bracing for blood, fire, and tentacles.
Instead, the lair of Demon queen Erosia resembled the inside of an exquisite perfume bottle. Everything was pink and velvety, with soothing lighting.
Erosia was floating upside down in the air, reading a paperback novel featuring a shirtless pirate on the cover. She lowered the book carefully, peering at the seven-foot-tall armored giant in her entryway with dismay.
"Kael," the Demon Queen grumbled and flipped up. "Kael, You are early. The prophecy stated that the Hero will arrive at sunset. It is barely midday. You have absolutely no sense of pace."
"I prefer to beat the traffic," Kael stated bluntly. He attains his stance using his weapon. "Erosia, you are being arrested for magical harassment and the corrupting of public morality by the United Kingdoms of Stoica. You will be executed quickly if you surrender." He did not hesitate. He charged, the stone floor shattering beneath his steel boots. He drew Diplomacy with a metallic cry, swinging the six-foot blade in a horizontal arc to effectively sever her head from her shoulders. It should have ended the conflict. Instead, the razor-sharp point came to a halt an inch from her nose, blocked by an unseen barrier smelling strongly of cinnamon. Erosia glided upright, getting closer to him. She tapped his chest plate as if she were evaluating the ripeness of a melon.
"Look at you," she said softly, shaking her head. "Extremely durable. Very efficient. And so completely, painfully boring. You are the male protagonist, Kaelen! Where's the harem? Where is that childhood friend you secretly adore? Where's the sexual tension?" "Tension is inefficient." It weakens unit cohesion." Kaelen pressed against the magical barrier, his muscles blazing. "Prepare to die, creature." Erosia laughed. It wasn't a crazy laugh; it was the chuckle of someone who had a bright but bad idea. Her eyes began to glow in a deadly bright pink.
"I cannot murder you, sweetheart. "You're too valuable as entertainment," she murmured. "You only need a patch update. "A genre shift." She snaps her manicured fingers. A surge of rose-colored lightning struck Kaelen's chest. It did not feel like pain. It felt like ingesting a gallon of heated aphrodisiac.
"I curse you with the Velvet Hunger," Erosia said, her voice booming. "Allow biological imperatives to take precedence over tactical considerations! Allow your perimeter checks to fail against the flood of hormones! From now on, you will be the hunter of waifus rather than creatures!"
"Negative!" Kaelen shouted, his vision flashing in technicolour. "My programming is absolute—!".
"Oh, hush," Erosia said, and with a flick of her wrist, she blasted the panicked juggernaut backward, sending him flying out the tower window.
Kael fell three stories and landed squarely in a parked hay cart. The impact shattered the cart's axle and sent chickens scattering in a flurry of feathers and panic. He lay there for a moment, staring at the gray sky, groaning. His reinforced spine had held, but his dignity was severely fractured.
"Mister Knight? Are you dead?"
Kael sat up, hay falling from the grim vents of his helmet. Standing before him, clutching a basket of woodland fungi, was a Goblin.
She was perhaps three feet tall, with olive-green skin, a crooked nose, ragged clothes, and jagged yellow teeth that poked out over her lip.
Kael's combat instincts flared. Hostile non-human entity detected in close proximity. Engage. He reached for the dagger strapped to his boot.
A cheery, high-pitched DING! burst out inside his head, similar to the sound of a tavern cash register. A neon-pink rectangle appeared at the center of her vision. It hovered over reality, like a mystical heads-up display. Kael blinked, but the window remained stationary. He furiously shook his head, but the pop-up screen stayed in his view.
[ SYSTEM ALERT: THE VELVET HUNGER ]
[ STATUS: ACTIVE ]
[ CURRENT TARGET CRITERIA: ]
"FEISTY SHORTSTACKS"
[ DURATION: 1 WEEK ]
Kael looked at the words, perplexed. Shortstacks? Which tactical designation is that? The HUD flared red, revealing a targeting reticle above the scared goblin woman.
[MATCH Detected!]
[TARGET: UNIDENTIFIED GOBLIN FEMALE]
[INITIATE ROMANCE PROTOCOL IMMEDIATELY.]
No!, Kaelen's inner tactical voice yelled. This is a cognitive danger. "Resist! She is a low-level mobster!" However, his body was receiving different signals.
He attempted to stand up and frighten her into running. Instead, he leaned against the shattered wagon, put his chin on his armored gauntlet, and offered her what he desperately hoped was a nice smile. It looked more like a bear gleaming with perspiration and hay attempting to pass a kidney stone.
"By the gods," Kaelen grumbled, his voice falling an octave into a seductive baritone he hadn't realized he possessed. "Are those... Portobello mushrooms in your basket?" The goblin blinked and trembled. "Um... yes?" "Please do not eat me."
Kaelen leaned in, his pink HUD glowing encouragement:
[GOOD! ESTABLISH COMMON INTERESTS!]
"I love a woman who knows her fungi," Kaelen said, blinking one eye inside his helmet. The goblin shrieked, dropped the basket, and dashed into the woods as quickly as her short legs could take her. Kaelen watched her leave, his heart aching with artificial longing.
[MISSION FAILED; TARGET FLEED]
[PENALTY: ALL PHYSICAL STATS RECEIVE 60% DEBUFF ]
[TIME: 12 HOURS]
[TRY HARDER NEXT TIME, COMMANDER.]
Kaelen collapsed back into the hay and covered his face with his large fists. "Tactical assessment," he said quietly into the silence. "My life is over."