Walking for a while allowed me to blow off some steam. Seriously, I think I was thinking about revenge so much that it began showing in my expression. Guess I got carried away a little, now that I think about it. Am I just going to walk home? it's probably been years since I was in this part of town, it scarily resembles how I remembered it, before it got plunged into destruction. I haven't walked these streets for a long time, but yet I knew where I was going, the city's entire layout, it's more like my body instincts were taking the lead… Taking me to a place I'm sure we were both eager to see once more.
I had soon reached my destination, while I was still in daze, was this what they call 'homing instinct'? Now that I was standing in front of the house I grew up in. The eagerness I once had slowly faded, I felt my heartbeat growing louder and faster. My feet were now harder to move even more so than journeying snowfields like before… I just couldn't handle it. Right now, I'm afraid, no I'm terrified. What will I see when I open the door? How about if this is some sick joke, I'm still hallucinating myself into believing. Will I see their faces? The bright warm faces they always had. What am I going to say to them when I see them again? Would It be alright for me to act like nothing happened, as if I didn't live my entire life feeling responsible for their deaths.
I was doing it again, I was standing amiss letting my imaginations run wild. I should have learned by now that overthinking doesn't change the result that has been decided. If I want to find out, I have to experience it for myself— Take a deep breath and calm down. You'll only be making it worse if it turns out to be a dream.
[This is it]
I couldn't do it... I'm right in front of the door, but I just can't open it. It's harder than any decision I've ever experienced. I'm afraid they won't remember me or worse, hate me. I know I'm exaggerating, but I don't want to find out. I don't want to know if they are alive right now, even if they may not remember the experience we went through. That doesn't make it easy to brush away the guilt.
I can't seem to picture their faces not drenched in pain and agony— This is bullshit. I could have sworn I wanted nothing more than to see them again but here I am blowing it. Get a grip, you're going to have to figure it out sooner or later.
Creak!
[Uh, honey, why are you out here?]
It's been so long since I heard that subtle voice.
[It's getting late already,]
It's really her… It's not some kind of joke right? If I turn around, I'll be able to see her again… 'Beautiful' that was the first word that came into mind the moment I stared at her face. It was warm, kind and welcoming. The fact that she had so many expressions right now filled me with joy.
It had been so long since she reacted, it made one believe she was well dead on the inside, but that's no longer the case. This is what she looked like, how I remembered her before… before…
[M-MOM… I'm sorry. I'm really sorry]
[Eh, where did this come from? Is something wrong? You're giving me a headache Leonard… alright honey… I forgive you]
Dammit… I really wanted to say something a little more cheerful. This is quite pathetic isn't it? A twenty five year old man bawling his eyes out in the arms of his mother, is not the exact way I pictured a reunion. But for some reason, I like this better.
[Do you feel better now?]
[Much better… sorry if I worried you]
Giggle!
[Is something funny?]
[Don't mind me, I didn't mean it in that way... It's been a long time since I've seen you act this way. You've been wearing this unbothered personality for sometime now. I didn't think that you'd finally break out of that shell… This, suits you better]
Was that the case? Thinking back, I guess I was acting a little distant from my parents back in the day. I got caught up in a lot of things, that I didn't realize I was acting childish. I remember even getting into a fight because of how much they bugged me back then. That wasn't my prettiest moment, guess there's a lot of mistakes I made.
[Sorry if I worried you]
[Hmm. You certainly are acting strange, are you sure everything's fine?]
[E-Everything is fine— I just realized how much of a jerk I have been these past couple of years… I fee-]
[Why don't we head inside now and you're right, you have been a jerk]
Smile!
[...R-right]
The nostalgic feeling I was getting from standing in the place I thought I'd never see again was hard to pass by. I just couldn't imagine in my wildest dreams that I'd wound up back here after it got ruined. But here I am, back in my not so shabby room. Quite smaller than I remember, but except that it's no different from the bedroom I spent my life in. Well, I can finally get rid of this uncomfortable uniform. It's been nothing but a nuisance to my body.
Hah, much better, what's the deal with schools and making everything feel off, seriously this is coming from a guy that's used to being wrapped in several layers of clothing.
Uh… what's this. I should have figured out that by now but it's really strange staring at my reflection. I've seriously grown younger, this sure is freaky I look like a child again. Just a normal average looking kid, plus my scars are… gone!. Let's see I don't have a single scar. They are all gone, even the embarrassing one I got two years back, it's all clean. Phew! What a relief.
[WOW!]
Eh!, I thought she left already. How long has she been here?… Did she see everything?
[It's not what it looks like]
[Don't worry, it's normal for growing boys to want to explore their bodies. Especially boys your age, you might discover changes in…]
Stop!, stop!!
[I see, so you were checking out your body for a whole different reason… My mistake]
When she puts it like that it makes it even more humiliating.
[By the way why don't we have dinner all together]
[Uh!]
[Your dad should be back any minute now, so what do you think? It's not very often you get to see him. So you both can make up this time. Right?]
Dad… That's right, we've constantly been in an argument over one thing or the other for as long as I could remember. Even up till the last time I saw him, he still didn't let up, that's one of the perks about having an overbearing man as a father… The funny thing about it all is… at some point I forgot what we were fighting about.
[S-Sure, I'd like that]
Maybe I'll be able to get along with him this time.
[Great, I'll get cooking then… ohh and you might want to get dressed]
Ahhhh!
Jeez she could have at least started with that, how do you keep such a straight face when talking to someone without pants on. Better still why the heck did I scream like a girl— sigh. Where do I keep my clothes again?
[You sure took your time up there]
[Did I?]
For some reason my wardrobe was totally empty, finding what I'm wearing right now was harder than getting to believe I'm reliving my past.
[Your dad's back by the way, he's in the dining room— now I want to see you both talking by the time I get in there]
It's not like I meant disagreeing with him all the time. But I understand, there's no use coming up with excuses.
[You're back]
Who starts a conversation like that? Seriously, that's got to be the most pathetic line I've ever said… He didn't respond, shoot now it feels awkward all of a sudden. He sure still has that commanding aura around him even while on his phone… What do you say in situations like this?
[Ahem!]
What's she doing here when she just left? It's been a long time since I've seen her make a face like that, but it's not directed at me.
[Sigh… So how was school today]
[School?… uhm, okay, probably]
I guess that's one way to get the ball rolling.
[I see, you should work on keeping your grades up if you have plans for college]
And that probably explains why I'm terrible at starting conversations. I see where I got it from.
[Sure]
What's the deal now, why did his expression suddenly turn around. Did I say something strange?
[So does that mean you've changed your mind about quitting school then]
Changed my mind about quitting school? Right, I think I remember saying that once, I just wanted to own a store of my own or something… the details are still scrambled. I technically forgot why I was quitting in the first place.
[Y-yeah, who doesn't want to spend an extra four years learning the same subjects over again]
[...]
Seems he's not going to let it slide.
[I'm messing around… I won't quit]
What's the point of quitting to begin with? I didn't even get the chance to graduate before, you know what began. I feel stupid for arguing over something that never even got to be.
[Better, you've got a big head up there. It will serve you best if you rely more on it… Trust me you'll need it]
After this, I finally get how terrible he is at putting his words into what he means. But at least the one word I'm glad he knows how to use is, trust. I can't count how many times he's said that when trouble is right in front of us. He has great instincts for times like this.That's basically the only reason why we were able to overcome the disaster over and over again.
[And I hope you also changed your mind about driving to school]
[Sorry?]
[I'm not getting you a car, end of story]
A car? Hold up why would a high schooler need a car, was I seriously that unreasonable.
[Okay, I think he got the memo. I'd say both of you are making progress right… right?]
[Right!]
[Right. At least I can say he's become more matured, compared to yesterday]
I guess even a hot headed guy can loosen up when met with a stare like that.
[Just say you're proud of him dear]
It wasn't so bad afterall, getting to talk to my parents like a normal family. There were a lot of things I could finally get off my chest, and a lot things I finally got to talk to them about.
[But I get where you're coming from, you should have seen him earlier today. I thought he was going through puberty again… Did your girlfriend break up with you?]
[Right I thought that was the case. That would explain why he's been talking differently]
And also a lot of things I wished I never talked to them about. But for possibly the first time, I got to chat with them like we were friends rather than parent and son throughout dinner, an experience I'm deeply grateful for. They pretty much began to feel drowsy after an hour or so, I forgot about how crazy stressful their jobs are. Makes me wonder how much of their time they are actually wasting investing on occasions like this.
[I'll be going to bed now]
[Are you sure… you can stay up a little longer if you want]
[No need, plus I think you both need a break more than I do]
[Okay then… goodnight]
Uck… I pretty much dropped like a rock after getting to my room, experiencing so much in a day can really wear a guy out.
Right now, I'm at least certain this is not a dream anymore but I still can't get over it. You can never tell if something is just too good to be true. Will I wake up normally the moment I shut my eyes.
Moreso, the better question is which timeline would I wake up in next time. Honestly, I still can't get over how this managed to happen. I can at least say I'm contempt with getting to live with them again. But still, I don't want it to end…
I didn't realize how much I spent thinking to myself, that somehow I wore myself out mid thought and fell asleep. Hopefully everything will still be the same when I open my eyes again.