Oracle Land is funny. I'm simulating a Warlord in my head I'm half-sure is Liu Bei. I keep hearing messages that Warlords of China have heard of my poisoned metal and oil. And they want it badly. Especially this man Liu Bei. I haven't even heard of him before. But this town has. He's a virtuous General that is unfortunately known for being a narcissist. I've seen a portrait of him, and he's very cute. I like the way he looks enough alone that I'll let him sample my goods.
I also keep learning about this Three Kingdom's War that's about to happen. And I'm imagining myself being an Arms Dealer during this. I can become so rich if I help this country kill each other for a few years. I'm gonna do it, probably. I can get away with it, any time they betray me, I'll just rob them. Otherwise, I'll just watch this country burn while wracking up wealth.
In preparation, we have focused on making what I imagine are Liu Bei's ideal weapons: 10,000 Poisoned Longswords. A special dual set for Liu Bei because of how cute he is. They're what I call exotic. Cause they're stylish. They're bright green blades with a purple edge. With basket hilt guards studded with jade and rubies. And a steel handle painted gold.
10,000 Poisoned Spears. 10,000 regular bows with a total 1,000,000 poisoned arrows. 10,000 steel kite shields. And 10,000 sets of Samurai Armor. Along with another special curated set for the general. Which is just painted to make him look like the leader. I have a crimson crown sculpted into the helmet. And his armor is painted thickly with gold to deem him noble.
I can feel the General being mad I'm preparing special stuff to seduce him. He's seen blacksmiths do this with jewelry. Never weapons and armor though. But he still wants it.
I can just tell he won't come until it's nearly all done. Cause the Oracles just know this deal is for a War General I'm seducing in my head with this beautiful deal. Cause he seems like such a kind man who will control reality well. And well… that's all I can say cause I think he loses this war. And dies. Which sucks.
I could change it if I wanted. By gambling on how badass I am. Maybe. If the other Oracles don't get involved. Which they are. In stupid ways.
Artemis just came here and is pouting cutely at me. She's sending lover vibes at me and also stonewalling me at the same time.
"Please don't be an Arms Dealer." She begs with love.
I smirk mischeviously as we stand in my shop's lobby. Artemis keeps pouting.
"What do I get out of it if I don't be one? Maybe we can talk about it over-" I say seductively.
"Don't even think about it, we can't do that for a 1000 years." Artemis says firmly amused and annoyed.
I roll my eyes.
"I'll just ignore society on that one until the end of time. That's one of the things I gamble on when I simulate how reality and I are gonna fight until the end of time." I say cockily.
Artemis sighs, amused and annoyed still.
"You're never gonna get laid. You're gonna be a moron set on killing people for no reason." Artemis says.
"It's not just no reason. But I suppose it is a bit petty to fight people just on the grounds of loving who I want and how I want." I say, bittersweet and serious.
She sighs.
"It really is an eternal build war with you. Just over how weird you need to be." Artemis pouts, sad and amused.
We chuckle about that stupid sentence.
"It's Kobra Withers versus The World until the end of time. And I'll win eventually." I say cockily.
"I doubt that." Artemis says sadly.
"Well, we will see what comes of it." I say warmly.
Artemis draws her sword. And I sigh sadly. As I cover my hands in poisoned steel.
"Don't do this. I thought we had a bond of sorts." I say lovingly.
"You are going to end up destroying society over this. For thousands of years if I don't stop you now at your weakest." Artemis says angrily.
I smirk with cocky bloodlust.
"I am already a Goddess. If you're lucky, I'll let you live cause you're gorgeous." I say with loving bloodlust.
I remove the poison from my gloves. They become gray steel tinted pink. I ready my boxer's stance. Artemis takes a fencer's stance, blade pointed towards me at chest level.
"Shame I wear gloves." I say cockily.
I grab her sword with my left hand, and grip it hard. Then I try punching her in the throat. She sidesteps it and rips her blade out my hand. With a scream of rage, she delivers a powerful two handed horizontal swing at my chest. I block with my left arm covered in steel. With ease. She gasps with fear.
"You can't be this strong!" She says, shocked.
I smirk with cocky malice. Then I swing my right fist hard into her face. So hard she gets sent out the front door. I walk out cockily, tears in my eyes.
"I really wanted to date you. Now we kill each other for fun. And I hate that." I say cockily.
I stomp on her knee as she tries to stand up. Then I punch her in the side of the head.
"You can join me in my vision for humanity. I just want to be civilized too. It's just I hate that stupid mentality I can't love who I want. Smoke what I want. Live life as I want." I beg angrily.
"I would rather die a Maiden of God." Artemis growls angrily.
I roll my eyes.
"Christainity isn't even supposed to be in this country yet." I say angrily.
She's gone. Irredeemable at this point if she wants to be owned by toxic Christians this early. I add the poison back to my gloves. She watches them turn purple. And begs for forgiveness.
"Please don't kill me." she begs miserably.
I simulate hard as fuck. And there is only one reason I don't kill her. 743 years from now she is desperate enough to be my first lesbian immortal at last after I fucking shoot their Queen in the face over stealing my house when she's mad I move there cause I was bored. Then she breaks up with me three days later because she was just helping everyone calm down with sex. Cause she did hoe tactics that day on me. And the sex is so amazing it reverberates through space and time. We fuck for three days straight, then she steals my Judas bible I'm making that year. And burns it cause she's a bitch.
I am laughing too hard about this simulation bomb. So hard I just wave her away while I slump against a chair, laughing hysterically about letting a bitch live over sex 743 years in the future.
Artemis comes back the next day to yell at me.
"WE ARE NEVER DATING! I FIGURED OUT THAT'S WHY YOU LET ME LIVE AND IT'S NEVER HAPPENING!" she yells furiously.
I simulated harder. I invented spaghetti today with meat sauce with a fancy candle dinner. It didn't work. She invents throwing water in your face and ruining a romantic dinner. Then she kicks the table over and storms out.
The next day an Immortal from Italy appears. He's actually pretty cute. He invented the brown and white pinstriped suit early, along with a straw hat. He even has dress shoes. He's a handsome businessman.
"So I heard you made spaghetti. Can I buy the recipe?" he asks warmly.
I'm already bored enough to flirt.
"Sure. I can show you how to cook it right now, sunshine." I say warmly.
He smiles at me.
"Sure, why not?" He says warmly.
I just write down the recipe and hand it to him. Then I cook the meal while we chat. It's a very easy meal. Besides making the sauce. It's a lot of mashing stuff together and adding lots of spices. To the point it's maddening.
"I'm not sure I like how much work this sauce is." Businessman says nervously.
"Who cares, it's delicious." I say warmly. "You can just get your workers to make it."
He shrugs and smiles at that.
"Yeah, I like that idea a lot more." Businessman says warmly.
It actually irks me he embraces it so well. But I move on. Too hard. I lose interest in dating him, take my 10,000 yen, and move on with my life. For now.
I get a simulation bomb at 5AM the next day that he used that pasta sauce to poison a man. And now the Chinese Emperor wants to ban my sauce. So now an Imperial Army squad of 1,000 men might come to confront me over pasta sauce.
"DAMN YOU BUSINESSMANNNNNN!" I yell furiously in the middle of the night.
Then I simulate harder. And realize if I wing this right, I could become a concubine of the Emperor. The simulation falls apart because the Emperor already knows I'm the Ultimate Yin Warrior. He will kill me every time. My best bet is to run away apparently.
Not! I already live in anarchy here. We stick it out with the Anarchists, we own the land. It'll just be hard work. But I will live happier in this scenario thanks to being able to date whatever I want.
Even the Emperor. Because in one scenario during a potential mini-event where his wife dies, he comes to date me. Cause he's desperate enough to learn how to use Poison Chi from the best Poisoner. Which is me.
And we secretly date polyamorously for 200 years on and off until he disappears on me entirely due to how much political heat he gets when it's revealed. I still find him sometimes though. Cause we follow each other around until the end of time in Immortal Land cause we're eternal fuck buddies.
So now we just sit here in Anarchy town, waiting for the men to come to me for my absurd Anarchist products. Beginning with making all the Warlords and Powerful Warriors weapons in the land. So they'll date me.
And this fucking town. Cause now the simulation booms me with how the other Anarchist Oracles are gonna be stealing my men, women, and customers. We're in an eternal merchant war now.
It's hysterical and maddening to all the other Arms Dealers in towns. We're all doing this now, it's all our plan. Cause there's like, four other Arms Dealers who are gonna fuck the Emperor or his Concubines. Cause he shares the Concubines when he's horny enough.
And we all love it.