Last week had been spent in high spirits. Our 3-0 victory was incredible. We had a substantial lead and with the form we were in, we weren't worried about not making it to the finals.
We didn't hear anything about the first team coaches during this week. No feedback, no news at all. I hope they come to watch us again.
Since this was an away leg, maybe they wouldn't. I didn't care for it either way. Maybe I would play a bit more cocky if they were there, but that was it. My performance is not going to change because of them. And the last match should have given them a solid idea of how we play. Not just me, but the team in general. We had some very good prospects. Moraes, Adriano and I are very very good. Diego is excellent in that role as well. But, I know that the first team already has enough strikers, and I do not think they'd take more than one from the youth team at this point.
If it came to a choice between Diego and Adriano for the striker, they would go for Adriano. He was the better finisher and had incredible pace. Diego is more technical and more suited for the secondary striker role. They already had really good options there. I would be going in as the right winger/CAM.
I didn't mind it. I'll play wherever, I just need the ball and a bit of freedom to do my stuff.
Coach Alfonso was taking things seriously as well. Our drills became more organised. We had two team talks the past three days. Highlighting their style of play and counter measures for how they might set up this time around. He wasn't messing around with the team either and we were starting our strongest eleven.
3rd May, 1998
Estadio Novelli Junior
They had an impressive stadium where they played their important youth matches. It was situated in Itu, and it is a big stadium. It has a capacity of 18000. For today's match, we had around 6000 people show up. We have never had crowds like this. We played mostly in smaller stadiums that held 700 to 1000 people. When we entered for warm-up drills, there was heavy booing and aggressive chanting.
This was a first for many of us. We didn't really think it would be this big a crowd. We tried to not pay much attention to it, but they were LOUD. No matter how much we tried, they did try to get into our heads.
Adrian, our captain, who had an idea of what we are going to face, called us in a huddle and told us
"Look, it is not going to be like the previous matches. The crowd will be supporting them for the whole 90 minutes and do not let them get into your heads. They will boo your touch and be offensive. It is best to ignore it. If you can't, use it as fuel. Make sure that you do not give up or give in. We came here to win. Remember that. That's the only thing that will shut them up. So, don't react, don't let them know you're nervous."
The talk did ease some worries and we went to change. Nothing like a trial by fire.
From the get go, Palmeiras players were very composed and didn't try to rush us like last time. They were sitting back. They were calm and the chanting kept getting louder. We didn't rush in either and we were playing the slow game as well. We were building up our attacks through midfield, threading through passes, and yet the press never came. They let us play our passes but they were like shadows. Constantly moving and closing down our passing avenues. They never rushed us and left gaps in their system.
In the 20th minute, Carlos got impatient a bit and tried to lob a ball into the middle for Adriano. The weight on the pass was a bit off and the ball fell to their midfielder. In a second, their energy shifted. And that prompted a reaction from their fans as well. They were with them throughout and added extra energy to the counter.
We ran back into positions to defend and try to stop it, but they came prepared. They were quicker and sharper with the ball. The passes were smooth and well stitched. It was almost like they practiced this sequence of play in the training ground. Everybody knew where to be or where to go, how to draw in players, where to pass. It looked rehearsed. And we couldn't handle it. Within 7 seconds of losing the ball, they were in our box and the striker scored the opening goal.
3-1 on aggregate. No cause for alarm yet. We will recover.
We stayed positive after the goal. Moraes and I tried to rally the players. Adrian did a good job, asking the players to reset and not let this affect us.
After the restart, we tried to increase the tempo, but once again found out that they were prepared. I was completely shut down by their midfield. They brought in a new player. He was 6'1" and very strong and very fast. He was like a shadow following my every move. The minute I would receive the ball, his ass was on mine. I didn't even have room to breathe. I was able to juke him a couple of times, but he was on me immediately. He never gave up. Never took time off. This was a very well executed hit job.
I looked at the dugout, hoping to see some instructions, but nothing came. We were not conceding, but we were not allowed forward.
I consciously tried to bring in everything I learned from Xavi, how he would react to man marking. There were two major issues. I didn't have his quality on the ball yet. So, my passes fell flat when I was under pressure. I didn't have Iniesta, Busquets and Messi around me. Even the few times I managed to break free of the shadow, I couldn't make anything out of it because the following pass would always be intercepted.
It was frustrating! On top of that, the chant from the crowd was so irritating. Whenever I was shut down, there would be a huge cheer. It fueled their players and they turned into a prime Simeone's team.
They were so good defensively and just when the time was right, they would attack.
That felt like the longest 45minutes of football I have played. The score stayed 1-0.
During halftime, I spoke up for the first time. I asked the team to take care of my marker so that I could get some free space. But, I knew it was asking too much, because if they concentrate on this guy, they're leaving another one elsewhere.
They came in with a plan and they executed it brilliantly. We didn't have a single shot on target.
The coach said that we would be going for long balls in the second half. He asked the forwards to be alert to receive passes and run with the ball into the box.
Nothing changed in the second half. Even when we went for the long balls, they stayed composed. Their backline held their shape and they were not doing anything that they did in the first leg.
I was surprised. Was it possible to change this much in a week? How are they so composed and so disciplined today? Is it the crowd? Is it coaching? What is it? Everything seemed to be going right for them.
And as for us? We were rattled. We couldn't get through and we were trying. In hindsight, that was a mistake. People should have realised that we should have been the ones sitting back. We had a 3 goal lead. They should be the ones attacking, trying to score.
That simple mistake could end up costing us. But, I didn't realise it either during the game. Everyone of us was playing with an ego. We scored so many goals and were the team that had the best attack until now. This is where pragmatic managers come in. Jose Mourinho wouldn't have let us worry about scoring today. He would have shut them down and would take a goal from the counter.
We were throwing everything at them. Trying through balls. Trying long balls. Trying intricate passing. Trying to catch them on the counter. Yet, none of it yielded anything. They were the immovable object. But, we were not the unstoppable force today. Maybe because the crowd chanting got to us, our synergy was off from the get go.
And then disaster struck. In the 75th minute, we ended up conceding a penalty. They scored. It was 3-2 on aggregate. With 15 more minutes to play, this was a dangerous territory. One more goal and we knew we were fucked. They would have the momentum and the fans would make sure they won. I saw it so many times in the past. We cannot let that happen. We need to score one to shut them up and hurt their momentum.
Seeing nothing was changing, the coach made changes. Again, this was a controversial decision. He took off the three attackers and put in three defensive minded players. He didn't bring in Oscar. He just had Diego in the middle as an attacker. Adriano, Carlos and I had a terrible game. And we were subbed off.
I was so pissed. I didn't want to come off. While coming to the sidelines, the crowd started clapping me sarcastically and I lost it. I wasn't outright rude to the coach per se, but I let him know
"We should be going for the goal coach. Not try to defend now. It is too late for that. One more goal from them and it would be over. We needed us in the middle. We could have scored"
I didn't even wait for him to say something, I just went and sat down next to Adriano. He was pissed as well, he didn't get any service today. And he was subbed off in the crucial part of the game.
Soon, we forgot our frustration and watched the gamewith baited breath. Spurred by their supporters, wave after wave of attacks came our way. Somehow we held on. In the last 10 minutes, we defended 6 corners. Our defense put in an extra shift and at one point, all 10 players were defending. And they knew that no one would attack, so they came at us in numbers as well.
There was 6 minutes of injury time added. Which was bullshit. I protested loudly to the officials why it was added on when there were no injuries. They gave me a yellow card. Fucking corrupt pricks!
We held on. Roni put his body on the line multiple times, to clear shots. He was battered. But they didn't give in. Despite the barrage they were under, they held on. Together as a group, they defended.
And finally, when the whistle blew, we lost the match 2-0 but won the tie 3-2 on aggregate. We were through to the finals. What should have been a happy celebration, was anything but. We had a muted celebration because we were pathetic today. They played with us and scored two against us while restricting us to only one shot on target.
From almost doubling the goals scored by the next best team, to having only one shot on target, it was embarrassing.
We shook hands, and I went and hugged Roni. He deserved a MOTM for today. He was the reason we were in the finals. He must have saved at least 4 goals on his own.
Nobody said anything on the way back. Everybody was lost in thought. Once we came back to the training ground, coach Alfonso called me
"A quick word before you leave Kaká. I can see that everyone is frustrated. I can see your anger, and frustration at not being able to do anything today. But, you should learn from it and put in a better performance next time. You do not get to throw a tantrum in the middle and shout at me while the match is going on. You were lucky that there wasn't anyone from the first team staff here today. They wouldn't like what they've seen. And I am not just talking about the performance. I am talking about the player reaction as well. I subbed Adriano and Carlos as well. Did you see them burst out like you did? Go home and think about it. We will talk about it tomorrow."
I was left to my own thoughts and I did think about it. A few months back, I wouldn't have said anything. I would have just high fived and sat down. Why then did I react so badly? I didn't like it that I was shut down so badly for one. I couldn't do anything on the pitch and the frustration was evident. I didn't like it that my skills weren't good enough today. What use are my pace and dribbling when I couldn't escape my markers. I couldn't even dictate the play to make someone else score. I was useless.
I didn't like it that we lost either. I didn't like their taunts. I didn't like it when an opponent we beat 3-0 a week prior, beat us 2-0 within a week.
I agreed with the coach. Yes, I was emotional and reacted badly. And it was natural. But, I could see their point. They wouldn't like this from a young player. Bigger coaches wouldn't even tolerate such behaviour from their star players.
I am not yet sure if I will apologise to him. Maybe I should. Maybe I should have expressed myself after the game. It had to be the confidence from the past two months. I was playing with so much freedom and scored so many goals that I somehow felt that I wouldn't be taken off when we needed goals.
He is vindicated because we didn't concede another goal and we are into the finals. I wouldn't win that argument. I didn't have any defense other than that I was frustrated. With the performance and with our lack of response to their tactical adjustment.
I went home. My parents were home waiting for me and one look at me told them all they needed to know.
I said robotically "It didn't go well today, but we made it to the final. We lost 2-0 today"
My mom immediately came and hugged me.
My dad just patted my back and said
"This is football Kaká. These things happen. You guys are in the final and that's all that matters. Do not let the loss put you down. You learn from it and do well in the copa."
My mom made coffee, told me to freshen up and come down for some snacks.
I was not really paying attention because no matter what they said, we still lost. I had my worst performance in the past year. That kept eating me up.
Even after coffee, I didn't say much, and the great thing about my parents? They let me be.
I sat there thinking, what should I do next?
First, I need to apologise to the coach. What I did was not okay. It was out of line.
Next, I need to speak to my teammates. I was useless for 75 minutes and I did let the crowd get to me and I lost composure a lot.
I will need to use the system exercises to meditate and calm myself down. There is no point in beating myself down. It is one loss. We will bounce back. A win in the Copa and a dominant performance will cure the blues.
I need to increase my stats for composure. I am easily rattled and I need to fix that. I need to get that stuff under control.
I also realised that my ego is writing cheques my body cannot cash. I need to be more skillful to back up my ego. I will need to work harder.
And Palmeiras fans went into my death note. They dare clap me off? I will show them. Next time I meet them, I will be ready. No amount of man marking will stop me then. I'll show them!