The day after a match like yesterday will always be difficult. I knew that. I just didn't really expect it to happen so quickly. At U20, I didn't expect to be beaten like we were yesterday. There are so many questions in my mind.
Was it a tactical failure? Was our formation wrong? Was it just a bad day for all of us? Was it the crowd? Was it overconfidence?
We have lost matches before. I never had an issue with that. I didn't expect to win every single match. But, yesterday, we had no response. We didn't do anything meaningful. Every avenue we tried had been shut down. Was that the reason? Were we trying too much?
We were very lucky that none of the first team staff were there. I mean, they would obviously get a report, but watching that performance would have been bad. Then came my thoughts about my performance. I shouldn't have played that bad.
From the get go, it was an off day for me. They did their homework from the past game. That much is very evident. But, to be not able to create any chances in a match? That hurt. And the clapping from their supporters when I was coming off. I can still hear it. I snapped at the coach because of that.
If I am not able to handle a small crowd of 6000 supporters, how am I supposed to handle the big crowds? It was a wake up call. I was riding high on my numbers for the tournament. They didn't mean a thing yesterday. I was not at all happy with myself. And today, I have to deal with a lecture from the coach.
I closed my eyes and meditated for a while.
I cannot change the past. But, I can work towards fixing it. Nothing is broken yet, just a small crack appeared yesterday. I need to apologise to the coach for my behaviour yesterday. That's the first thing. Next, I need to get my headspace right. We won the tie and I haven't been useless in any of the matches till now. One off-day is acceptable. And if we win the copa ties, no one would remember what happened two weeks prior as we are going to play a final. All is well that ends well. Just need to lock in and deliver in practice and in the next match.
With my decision made, I went to the training ground a bit early.
I knocked on the door of coach Alfonso. He was not expecting me. Once I was asked to come in, I stood in front of the table. I didn't feel like sitting.
The coach raised an eyebrow at that.
I looked him straight in the eyes and I started the conversation.
"I just wanted to talk to you about yesterday, coach. You don't need to tell me about how that looked like. I wanted to apologise right after the game itself, but something stopped me. I reacted pretty badly, the crowd clapping, my own performance, the scoreline, everything added up and being taken off hurt. I know that it was tactical, and we are in the finals possibly because of those substitutions and protecting that 3-2 lead. I get that, but at the moment I was so angry with myself and I just lashed out. I am sorry for that. I cannot say it won't repeat again, because I don't think I know how I would react, but I would make an effort to not react like that."
The coach was silent for a minute. The silence was getting uncomfortable. He let out a long sigh.
"I have an issue with you Kaká. One moment you act like a 16 year old teenager. And the next moment you turn it around and act all matured and thoughtful and say all the right things. I cannot figure you out. Everybody saw what happened in the middle, so your reaction to being subbed off, while not appreciated, is still understood. It was the first time, and it is bound to happen. Many teenagers wouldn't have seeked me out and apologized. I didn't need to give you a talking to, because you realise that it was wrong and you want to correct it in the future. That's good."
"This was a first time thing, so I would just fine you for it. But, keep in mind, if you go to the first team, behaviour like that might not work. If the manager takes an issue with it, you could be benched, or left out of the squad even. So, keep that anger inside and either let it out on the field against the next opponents, or talk it out with your coach or manager after the match is over. That's my suggestion to you."
"Since you seem to have understood exactly what was wrong, I will let you go. Don't repeat it!"
I didn't react to any of that. I knew all of that.
"Yes coach! Won't repeat it. Thanks!"
He just nodded and I just left. There was nothing left to say.
I went to the lockers, changed and went straight onto the pitch. I started shooting in the middle into the empty net. I was letting my frustration out. When the team was coming in, some of them saw me in the middle, and they understood. That I was pissed. And that lit up a fire under them. It wasn't necessary, but seeing me be there early and practicing, it acted as a catalyst.
When I went to the locker room, captain Adrian was already addressing the crowd.
"Good, Kaká is also here. I am not going to pretend that yesterday didn't happen. We were shit yesterday and it showed. We do not need to wallow and think about what went wrong. That's going to be done by the coaches. What we need to do is to get our headspace right. We lost? Big deal! We are still in the finals and we have two important matches coming up. We let the crowd get into our heads and we played like amateurs. That's not allowed to happen again. We start fresh today.
Remember the crowd clapping and booing? Take that memory and keep that front and centre. Use that rage you felt yesterday as fuel against Vasco. They're a good team, so we have to adapt. If they come prepared with tactics, we don't panic like yesterday and try everything. We take a step back and analyse. Let the coaches do their jobs, and let us do ours. We play our best game and we play as a team. Yes?"
He was laying it on thick, but this is an U20 locker room. So, it worked. That's all that matters. A loud "Yes, captain" was the answer.
I liked what I was seeing. Other than a few people, the rest of the squad looked pissed. Good! I want them to tap into that rage. It could be a good motivator.
We wanted to show the coaches and prove it to ourselves that we can bounce back from defeats and that yesterday was just an off-day.
Coaches realised that things were different in practice. No one needed to be told anything. From the get go, it was intense. The challenges were on point. Attackers moved in sync. Even the ones who didn't really care about the loss, they were dragged into it. Whenever someone slacked, the others gave them a remainder, by a tackle, or by dispossession or in the case of Adrian, straight up verbal abuse. I didn't know that he had this side to him.
Things continued like this for the rest of the 3 days. Other than a tactical brief the day before the game, no one said anything. Maybe they were bad at it, or they were waiting to see what the response from the players would be. Whatever the case, we were left alone.
7th May, 1998
The first leg of the quarter finals for Copa Brasil is between Vasco Da Gama and Sao Paulo FC. We are going away for the first fixture. They have a very good youth academy. Romario, Coutinho, Edmundo and all were products of their youth system.
It wasn't going to be an easy fixture and every one of us knew it. And we were prepared. We were prepared to shut out the noise. We were prepared to focus solely on getting a win here. We needed our confidence back first.
Around 1200 people showed up for the game. It wasn't much, but it was enough. The training ground was packed. My parents made the journey today. They were worried about me after the last game and my mood. So, they made the journey to Rio. It was a 6 hour drive. But, they wanted to be there for me and cheer me on.
They didn't know it, but it meant the world to me. Attending home games is one thing, but attending away games at youth level? That was an effort. I appreciated it. I wanted them to have a great time. I didn't want to let them down or make them worry.
News of our last defeat travelled up the chain as well. First team scouts and some of the management have made the journey as well. Today, I was not cocky. I wasn't paying any attention to the outside noise. Today is about proving to myself that I can learn and adapt and get back up after a defeat. This is not just about skill, this is about mental fortitude.
I took a deep breath before the match started and prayed.
The game started without any delays and from the get go, you could feel it. If you're in the audience, you could feel the energy. It was different. This wasn't like any other U20 match. We didn't come here to play their game. We were on it from the kick off. We were going to do what we did best during our run of form. Start strong, press them into making mistakes, and attack. Once we have the lead, we go to our tried and tested passing, and then find the gaps and make them tired.
That was the plan. We started well with our press. We won the possession right off the bat. Moraes put in a brilliant tackle and I was there to collect the loose ball. As soon as I got the ball, I took off. I didn't wait to pass it around. I saw two players ahead of me. But, I wasn't going to stop for them. I built up acceleration and drove forward. One of the markers caught up to me and tried to pull me down. I stumbled, but today I wasn't going to fall. I kept control of the ball miraculously and before the others could tackle me, I cut in and switched feet. I was doing that more often these past few months. I was beginning to trust my left foot as well and went inside. I lifted my head up, just for a second to see the gaps and players and I had the mental map ready. None of my players are in a goal scoring position and I was running out of space. I was at the edge of the box in the middle. So, I faked a shit with my left foot, the defender took the bait, and went for it, but I switched my feet again and got the ball on to my right foot and let go.
It was a powerful shot and it took a deflection off the defender and that deflection was enough for the keeper to dive the wrong way. He dived to the right, but the ball went into the bottom left corner.
GOAL!
2 minutes on the clock.
1-0.
I didn't celebrate. I felt so angry. I wasn't done yet. So, I just ran and collected the ball from the net and put it in the middle. The team understood. Some of them just roared, but the moment I didn't celebrate, they understood. We were not done.
Immediately after the restart, Vasco dropped deep. They went full defensive and they were passing the ball among the backline and our press was negated with their numbers. We weren't reckless and we didn't over commit, so they slowed down the tempo. We should have taken risks and capitalised on the lead and pressed more. But, we didn't. We were not going to play recklessly today, and we stuck to our shape. We were relentless, the forwards, and we were on them everywhere. We just needed them to make a mistake.
And they did. During the 26th minute, the backline was under pressure from all 4 of us. We didn't stop running and that let them play more passes to the goal keeper. He tried to kick the ball forward a couple of times, but nothing came out of it. We couldn't win possession off the long balls, but we didn't let them go forward. So, when we were pressing them, one of them made a bad pass to the keeper, who was not in a good position to receive. He drove forward, but Adriano reached there first. With delicate skills, he rounded off the keeper and slotted the ball into the empty net.
2-0. 26 minutes.
Adriano let out a roar after scoring. We were there to celebrate with him this time. 2-0 is a good lead to have.
In the 35th minute, they made a change, a midfielder was replaced and a defender was subbed in. And they went to 5 at the back. It is the dreaded 3-5-2 in attack. But, while out of possession, there were multiple bodies defending.
Maybe it was what they prepared, but they executed it brilliantly. The change of formation threw us off a bit and we paid the price in the 40th minute. Their wing backs were very fast and they got hold of the ball in our half and the left wing back put in a delightful cross into the box that we failed to clear, and they scored a great header.
2-1.
Game on!
The game continued like that for the rest of the time. They would switch between formations and they looked like they practiced it. We tried to play our game, but we didn't expect the change like this. So, we struggled for the rest of the time to dominate.
The first half ended and our team talk at half time included instructions on how to deal with their shape. The coaches were quick to adapt and they switched from 4-4-2 to 4-2-3-1.
With our numbers in midfield, we planned to take advantage of the channels between wing backs and centre backs.
The change was immediately visible. Our holding midfielders Adrian and Moraes were good and they kept hold of things in the middle. Carlos, Diego and I were given the freedom.
We didn't immediately score, but the change was visible. We started to get more comfortable again, and we dominated possession again. Me and Carlos put in a shift today. We were relentless and we tracked back whenever it was needed and today we were not saving our strength. We were going at it from the get go.
By the 75th minute, we were getting tired. The coaches made the substitutions. I was worried that I might be coming off, but Diego and Carlos were subbed off. Luis and Oscar were on.
The game continued on and it was getting harder for me to keep my pace up. I was so tired. My body didn't want to continue but I was pushing it. I didn't make any mistakes, but my lack of strength and stamina were visible after the 80th minute.
The coaches saw it too and subbed me off in the 82nd minute. It was a sour feeling, but I understood it. Unlike the last game, I was not disappointed with my performance. I was happy with my performance today. I created many chances. I scored the opener and I was immense defensively. I came off to applause from the dugout and I bumped fists with the coach after coming off. He smiled at that.
We defended well and we kept the score 2-1.
It was massive. We scored two away goals and we came out on top against a superior Vasco side, who switched tactics mid game. The coach went up to each player and patted them on the back. It was a brilliant performance. Every one of us showed character and discipline today. I went and hugged my parents after the game.
They were extremely happy to see the way we bounced back and won the game. Their journey wasn't in vain. The first team staff didn't leave immediately either. They stayed back to watch the team interactions after the game. We had a bad game and we responded. We didn't let the loss bring us down. And we responded with a very good performance against a very good team, on their home ground, in front of their fans and came out victorious. This is what anyone would love to see. And we did it!
My learnings from the game are that I am not yet ready for high intensity 90minute games. I could go longer if I manage myself on the field better, but if I go at it constantly, I cannot continue for more than 75minutes. That's something I have to deal with. I need a proper break to put on some muscle. I cannot do that with the constant practice and matches every week. One more goal added to the list. Put on at least 3kg during the upcoming season break.
I travelled back with the team itself and didn't travel back with my family, as I wanted to be with the team, discussing the game and bonding. It was a 6 hour ride back and without ipods or mobiles to keep us distracted, we were talking to each other. The mood in the camp was better. And it is sure going to get much better next week. Time for the second leg now and to properly finish them off.
Author's Notes:
I wanted to concentrate a bit on these four matches specifically because this is the first time Kaká is facing intense competition.
I wanted to write a chapter about a loss and the response to the loss at the youth level.
There will be many losses in the future, but not all of them would be given a spotlight.
Please let me know what you think!
Thanks for the support!