3rd of January, 11:00 pm, Kana Arima's house
Dressed from head to toe in matte black, Kana stood in the middle of her room, the state of which had rapidly worsened even further. Her trash can was filled with her makeup products, which she treated with utmost care until now. Her formerly white pillow was smeared with black mascara and red lip gloss, which she had tried to apply yesterday, but it didn't work out well. The doubt within her grew every time she passed over her now uneven skin. The only time she had left the house in the last 7 days was to get her stitching removed; she went alone, snuck out of her house without telling anybody, and was back before anybody noticed she was gone.
But that was about to change tonight. She wished she could just stay inside for eternity, but she knew that if she did that, she'd just hurt Ruby and everyone else around her even more. It wasn't easy at all; she had to mentally prepare all day, and even then, she only decided to go once the streets had emptied. "Doki Doki," is what her heart said, way faster than average, as she pulled a balaclava she had still lying around over her head.
A feeling of longing reached through the depth of her very being as her gaze trailed over her bed one last then before she quickly climbed out of her window so she couldn't change her mind. Sneaking around her own house felt weird to say the least, the soft and wet dirt beneath her shoes felt unfamiliar compared to the hard wooden floor of her room. As well as the fresh air around her being completely different from the stale air inside her room. Once she had reached the end of her decently big yard, she turned onto the sidewalk, finally, another hard floor. A few meters in front of her was a lone streetlamp — Most of them were shut off in that area during the night, but a few remained active.
The craving for her bed continued to grow inside of her even once she had reached the sidewalk. All around her, dark houses, lonely cars, and the deserted road, not a single other human soul anywhere. She turned right and took a single step before she halted. A cat turned the corner just a few meters in front of her, right that instant. It stared at Kana as if she had just caught it red-handed while trying to throw a vase off the counter.
Both remained perfectly still, waiting for the other to make the first move.
"I won't hurt you." Hot clouds formed in front of Kana's mouth as she whispered, while carefully stepping closer. Her back was bent, and her posture crouched down quite a lot while her hands reached out towards the little thing.
She had once heard that white cats were often not accepted into the clowder. The white was apparently too alien in nature, which would make them too easy to spot; therefore, it would be a danger to keep them around.
Another step, a loud hiss, and the cat ran off into the depths of the night.
Kana was all alone once more.
She stood still for a moment; then she got back up and dusted off her pants, though they didn't even touch the ground. A hint of sadness glared through her eyes as she looked after the small feline, by now long gone.
…
She continued to walk after she was sure the cat wouldn't change its mind and forgot all about the encounter just a few minutes after it had happened.
I can't stay inside forever, Ruby is right.
But am I really ready to face this world?
Doesn't matter if I'm ready...
My fans deserve to know the truth…
But what if that makes them hate me again?
It would make everything I worked for crumble...
She turned a corner onto a slightly brighter street as she continued walking.
Yeah, then what, Kana?
You already know how it feels.
You were always fine with people hating you.
So what changed?
Why do you suddenly care?
Kana suddenly stopped walking as she looked to the right into a window. The inside of the house was even darker than the world around her. The only thing she could see was her own reflection, staring back at her, face obscured by the black ski mask.
Just another nobody.
"I know why..." she quietly whispered to herself, the air hurt her lips, it was so cold that her breathing was forming small, barely visible clouds.
"Nothing changed; it hurt all along." Her heart began to feel like it was squished in between her ribcage, the second the words had left her mouth — finally speaking out loud what she knew deep down all along.
I'm just too dumb to finally admit it to myself.
The fact that I want to be remembered.
The fact that every hateful comment felt like a stab.
Like, why would they hate me?
I'm doing my damned best here…
I also know that my best is worse than others' best, but it's still unfair.
Why do people have to be like that?
Is it fun to diminish others?
Does it make them feel better about themselves?
I don't get it...
Kana looked away again, touching the mask where her scar would be as she started to step again.
But they deserve the truth either way.
I must do it...
Not for the ones that hate me, but the few that always supported me.
I will make a post explaining what happened.
But there is no way I can show my face again.
I'm sorry for disappointing you, Ruby...
5 minutes later, Kana saw 2 people coming her direction in the distance. At first, she barely acknowledged them, but then, when they came closer and closer until even after they had finally passed by her, she just couldn't help but look. She couldn't make out many details, but one of them seemed to be approximately her height, while the other one was about 20 centimeters taller; they held hands without a single care in the world.
Kana bit her lip as she turned back around.
I wonder what's Aqua up to right now.
I haven't heard anything from him since that day.
Even Ruby didn't really mention him that much.
I didn't think he'd really listen to me this time.
But did I really mean what I said?
Did I want him to stay away from me?
She stopped walking once again, stood directly beneath a bright streetlight; the beam shone directly onto her head.
Of course I don't want this…
He is my friend, and he is the person I love.
The person I love…
Is that really him?
...Do I love him?
I have thought about him so little, and he thought about me even less, it seems.
All that was on my mind was acting…
Acting,
acting,
acting.
I wonder what I'd do if I had to pick one.
If I had to choose, which would I go with?
The warm feeling that Aqua's presence gives me...
Or the ecstatic adrenaline I get from acting?
"This is all so damn much," whispered Kana as she left the range of the street light again, being engulfed by shadows all over again.
"Acting… It would be acting."