Aqua doesn't know what day it is, nor the time, but it's dark outside, Miyako's house.
The last time Aqua had left his room was to grab something to eat in the dead of yesterday's night. Ever since he hadn't set a single foot out of his room, matter of fact, he left his bed altogether only once in the period of time, and that was to grab a bottle of water after his throat had already itched for hours. Ever since Kamiki died, he hadn't felt any real motivation to leave his room and talk to people. Akane came over from time to time, but he knew she had her own problems, problems which he couldn't solve for her this time around.
Ruby was already cold towards him before their last conversation, but in the last few days, he hadn't seen her even once, much less spoken to her. He wasn't even really sure how he should feel about this; it was just, whatever. And then there was Kana… the person Aqua had thought about the least; matter of fact, he tried not to think about her at all; this proved itself as more of a challenge than he had initially expected.
…
He lay down on his bed with earbuds in his ears, but he wasn't listening to any music; instead, he just looked up at the ceiling silently. He had once read that earbuds would cause cancer; sure, it would make Ruby sad, too, but that way it surely wouldn't be his fault. From an outsider's perspective, it almost looked like he was asleep, if it hadn't been for his wide-open eyes.
The lights in his room were turned off, but there was a faint glimmer that came from a street light, shining right through his window against his wall, illuminating a poster of Ai, which Ruby had gifted him years prior. On his old desk, which creaked when you leaned onto it too much, lay a book. A collection of past entrance exams for the University of Tokyo, which was opened right down its middle with the bookmark wedged in between two completely different pages.
The only person I wasn't able to save.
If I had been stronger back then.
If my body had just been a bit bigger…
The bones within Aqua's neck cracked slightly as he moved his head, a slight shiver of pain moving alongside. Flickering, yet still readable, "Never lose hope," it said on the poster of Ai, which Ruby had gifted him.
Her dreams, hope…
Something she never achieved.
All because these hands were too small.
They are all big now-
Now that it doesn't matter anymore.
"You know that this is false," a voice said.
Where Aqua would've jumped, he wasn't even impressed anymore. Ever since Kamiki had died, the voices became a more substantial part of his life; wherever he went, they went, and they weren't kind. For the first few days, Aqua had tried to ignore them, which proved to be more complicated than it sounded, especially when he realized that they only left once they were satisfied for the time being.
"How can I make this stop?" Aqua's voice was quiet, all of his former sharpness gone; buried deep within a well-constructed web of deception by his hallucinations.
"You know what needs to be done. You already thought about this idea 6 months ago." The voices replied in unity.
"But it was impossible. No matter where I searched, I couldn't find leads." Aqua replied without moving. Over and over and over again, he had analyzed this topic, but no matter what he did, no matter how he looked at it, he always came to the same conclusion.
"You are wrong. Go to her grave on the 7th of January at 5:00 am, and you will obtain the information you crave so desperately."
Before Aqua could get the chance to respond, he felt their presence evaporate again.
This is so insane…
Maybe I should really see a psychiatrist.
Maybe I could-
No, I almost forgot…
Aqua raised his head once more and looked at the poster of Ai.
She is right.
You should never lose hope.
Even if it is only a small one.
Maybe I really overlooked something…
4th of January, 2:00 am, Kana's house
The fresh air of Tokyo seemed to have brought some hints of clarity into Kana's clouded mind, but the dark shadows had already begun to creep back in, so she couldn't waste any time. Ichigo Productions still hadn't publicly said anything about what happened to her. But her fans were worried regardless. She was scheduled for one last fan meet-up as a member of B-Komachi alongside Mem-Cho and Ruby two days after their concert, but this was canceled, and nobody knew why. Speculations started to arise almost instantly; online, it was the worst, people began to whisper that they saw Kana and Ruby in Shibuya, that something was wrong. Nothing was confirmed, yet of course, they were right.
Kana sat down on her chair and turned her PC on. She opened Twitter and logged in. She deliberately didn't look at her notifications or her feed, fearing she would see something that could change her mind. Instead, she pressed on 'create post' and began to draft up what she could say.
Miyako once said that if I ever get in such a kind of situation that I should just let the management handle all of it…
That they are experts and know what to do…
But that's total bullshit, only I know how I truly feel, and my fans deserve to know the truth, and not be lied to by some business cuck.
After she sat still for a few minutes, she decided to keep the text plain and simple.
I just hope they don't pity me; I don't need anybody's pity.
'Hey everybody. I'm sorry for not posting recently. I was attacked and injured a week ago while spending time with @RubyKawaii. I'm posting this without consent from my agency... sowwy Miyako^^. But I feel like it is the right thing to do. The doctors said I might never fully recover, so I guess this could be a goodbye.'
Kana hit *post* and shut her PC down at almost the same moment. She anxiously looked at the fading Windows logo as her screen turned black. To be honest, she was so quick with this, she doubted her post had time to release. Yet, turning it back on was no option; Kana sat in her chair like a high school girl who had just texted her crush and was now too scared to look at what he'd say.
So, that's that.
I just hope Miyako won't be too mad.
I hope she can understand me.
That I just wanted to tell them myself.
Kana got up from her chair and walked to her bed. The soft cushions recoiled her body back up and down a few times as she let herself fall onto them. A weird sense of comfort rushed through her as she finally lay down on top of the dirty pillows. A comfort she thought she didn't deserve.
I just wanted to say goodbye on my own.
Hm…
Goodbye…
That sounds oddly final…
Suddenly, a wave of fond memories Kana had locked away deep inside her mind came flooding back, memories of how excited she was to open her first-ever fan mail as a child.
She remembered that one letter by another child, telling her that Kana was their role model; how it made her feel to read that. At the time, Kana felt like she was about to explode, and even now, she somewhat felt the same way about it.
"Am I crying…?" Kana's voice was quiet and somber. The realization slowly crept up deep inside her, threatening to hit her like a freight train as she touched her face.
Why am I crying…?
Isn't that exactly what I wanted?
To say goodbye on my own terms…
More memories of her past came flooding back, about the first time she was recognized in public, and the first time she saw somebody smile because of her performances. More and more tears flowed down her face; by now, she was using both of her hands, desperately trying to make it stop. Every time she felt them glide over her healing wound, she felt a new wave of pain crash over her.
NO, I DON'T WANT THAT.
I DON'T WANT TO SAY GOODBYE.
I WANT TO STAY…
Pillow pressed against her face to quiet it down, she was full-on sobbing by now.
Please heal face.
I know I don't deserve it.
But I want it, I want it so bad…
I want to be an actress.
I want the people to love me.
To see me for who I am. Not for who I was or who I could be.
Just like Kamiki said. I don't deserve anything…
But it doesn't matter, so I should just take it.
Please…
Gods in which I never believed…
Listen to me and fulfill my only wish.
Let me shine...