The "feast" was ready.
The bandits had laid out mismatched plates on a long slab of scavenged sheet metal propped up by cinderblocks. A single broken lantern hung from a bent pole, casting just enough light to reveal the "meat" — greasy, dark chunks skewered on snapped branches, glistening with fat and char, laid out beside wilted weeds that were clearly meant to pass for garnish.
Lin stared at it.
Hard.
"Um…" He nudged the plate with his chopsticks, then looked up at Yue, who stood beside him like an emotionless ice statue. "This meat looks kinda… sus."
Yue's pupils narrowed slightly. She leaned forward and let her iris scanners sweep the food like a laser grid.
"No immediate presence of nerve agents, fungal neurotoxins, or slow-acting rot venom," she said calmly. "Cooked to an internal temperature of 76.3 degrees Celsius. Safe."
Lin blinked. "That's not the part I was worried about…"
Sierra smirked from across the table. "You wanna know what it is, don't you?"
Lin hesitated. "...Yeah."
Yue turned her head toward him. "Would you like it alphabetically or by approximate genus?"
"What."
Yue stared at the plate like a database loading. "Mus musculus — common wasteland rat. Lacertilia hybrid — likely gila-varanid subspecies. Gallus variant — heavily mutated. Possible cross-breeding with scavenger birds. Tissue composition suggests partial cannibal traits. One sample contains trace DNA consistent with feral human remains—"
"Jesus fucking Christ—" Lin gagged, pushing the plate back.
"Producer-sama… I'm gonna be sick, desu…" Yuzuki whimpered, clutching her stomach. Her big brown eyes trembled as she poked the meat with a stick like it was cursed. "I think one of them still has a… a tooth in it…"
"Looks more like a claw," Celestine murmured serenely, swaying next to the fire. "It holds memory. The prey's agony lingers on the bone."
"I'm gonna throw up," Yuzuki cried.
Her stomach betrayed her with a loud grrrroooowwwlll.
Lin looked at her. She looked at him. Her eyes watered. Then she sniffled and picked up a skewer.
"Nnnggh… for the sake of my fans…" She clenched her eyes shut and took a bite.
Everyone watched in suspense.
Yuzuki chewed. Slowly. Thoughtfully.
And then her eyes lit up.
"Mmmhh…!? Wait—what the hell?! This tastes… kinda amazing! Like—like sweet teriyaki! But with smoky lizardy vibes! It's like anime street food from a post-nuke Akihabara~!"
She scarfed down the rest in three bites.
Lin's jaw dropped. "W-wait—what? You said it had claws! And teeth!"
Yuzuki wiped her mouth with the back of her glove and moaned dramatically. "Starving idol powers… unlocked~!"
Sierra leaned in and grabbed a stick. "Eh, screw it. If the idol's not dead, it's good enough for me."
She chomped down without hesitation.
"Holy shit," she said through a full mouth, "this tastes better than the crap I used to get at that gas station off Route 17. Rat meat slaps if you grill it long enough."
"Technically, it's not pure rat," Yue said flatly. "The DNA is—"
"I DON'T WANNA KNOW!" Lin shouted, throwing his arms up.
Yue blinked at him. "…Understood."
Celestine took a skewer next. She held it above her mouth like an offering and bit off a piece with eerie calm. Her eyes rolled back slightly. "Ashes of flesh. Sins seared in oil. The tongue remembers nothing, but the body… is fed."
"That's fucking terrifying," Lin whispered.
He stared down at his own plate. It still steamed. It still glistened. It still looked like it might try to eat him.
He picked up a stick.
His hand trembled slightly.
Sierra elbowed him. "Come on, pretty boy. Ain't the weirdest thing you've put in your mouth."
Lin choked. "Wh-what the hell does that mean!?"
Yuzuki leaned toward him, blushing. "If Producer-sama eats it, I'll eat more too~!"
"I-I'm not eating it for you! I'm not trying to impress anyone!" Lin said too loudly, face flushed.
He took a bite anyway.
The taste hit his tongue like a car crash.
It was salty. Charred. Spicy in weird places. It was like barbecue made from alien roadkill—and somehow, it wasn't bad.
Lin froze.
His eyes twitched.
"…Fuck."
Yue blinked. "Are you in pain?"
"No," Lin said, chewing. "It's actually… kind of decent."
Sierra laughed. "Told you. Roast a freak long enough, it turns into dinner."
Celestine bowed her head. "Let the devouring be a prayer to survival."
Yuzuki grabbed another stick. "Onii-chan~ I want seconds, desu~!"
Lin groaned, mouth full of rat kebab. "Fucking hell. I'm the captain of a psycho waifu cookout in zombie Mad Max…"
Sierra raised her skewer in a toast. "Welcome to the wasteland, lover boy."
And under the broken stars and firelight, they feasted like the end of the world had already happened.
Because it had.
***
The fire had burned down to embers, casting faint red halos across the dusty hilltop. The bandits—no, servants, Lin had to remind himself—were already asleep in their own segregated patch of dirt, a safe distance away from the new tent the girls had put together using old tarps and poles scavenged from the raider supply stash.
Yue stood tall at the edge of the firelight, arms crossed, silent as a fucking statue. Celestine swayed in slow, rhythmic steps beside her, murmuring inaudible prayers to god-knows-what.
"I'll take first watch," Yue had said earlier, her tone so cold it could've flash-froze the camp. "Wake me in four hours."
Celestine simply tilted her head, eyes glowing faintly in the dark. "I will keep vigil as well. The voices of the forgotten may whisper through the ash."
Lin had nodded like he understood. He didn't.
Which left him, Sierra, and Yuzuki heading for the tent.
Sierra yawned, stretching her arms behind her head, chest bouncing subtly under her tank top. "Ugh, I swear I've slept in gutters softer than this damn dirt."
"You've slept in gutters?" Lin asked.
"Don't judge me, pretty boy," she snorted. "Back in the Badlands, a dry gutter was luxury."
Yuzuki twirled beside them, spinning like a schoolgirl. "It's kinda like a camping trip~! Except with, like, murder and starvation~! Desu!"
Lin nervously scratched the back of his neck. "Uh, yeah… yippee…"
They stepped into the tent. The air inside was musty, but it was better than freezing wind and the smell of roasted rat outside. The sleeping bags had already been rolled out—three of them. Side by side.
Right in the center was Lin's.
His throat tightened. "Wait, w-we're all sleeping here?"
"Sure are," Sierra said, flopping down on the bag to his left. "You scared we'll snore or something?"
"N-no, I just—uh—"
"Don't worry, Producer-sama~" Yuzuki said, plopping onto the bag on his right. "I sleep like a little angel~! Unless you count talking in my sleep. Or grabbing people. Or farting sometimes…"
Lin's eye twitched. "That's… that's oddly specific."
She giggled and cuddled her sleeping bag. "Tehee~!"
Sierra laid on her side, propping her head up with one arm, eyes glinting in the dim tent light. "You gonna be okay sandwiched between two hot girls, captain? Or do we gotta tie your hands up so you don't do anything freaky in your sleep?"
"I-I would never! I swear!" Lin panicked, hands up like he was under arrest.
"Oh my god, you're blushing," Sierra grinned. "You are a virgin, aren't you?"
Yuzuki gasped dramatically. "Producer-sama~! Is that true?!"
Lin pulled the zipper of his bag up to his neck. "C-can we please just go to sleep?!"
"Aw, don't be shy," Sierra chuckled, shifting onto her back. "I don't bite. Much."
"You're not helping," he mumbled.
He turned onto his side, back to Yuzuki, trying to block out the scent of strawberry shampoo she somehow still managed to keep in the apocalypse. His other side smelled faintly of gunpowder and sweat—Sierra. Her body heat radiated through the bags.
This should've been every harem anime loser's dream.
But Lin was just fucking tired.
His legs ached. His brain felt like mashed potatoes. His eyes kept fluttering shut.
Yuzuki whispered, "Good night~ desu…"
Sierra yawned again. "Night, captain. Try not to drool too much."
Lin's voice was barely a whisper. "Y-yeah… g'night…"
And then, finally, he passed out.
Surrounded by warmth, awkward tension, and the gentle rise and fall of sleeping breath on both sides, Lin Feng—former NEET, virgin simp, current apocalypse squad leader—let the exhaustion pull him under.
Q: Would you eat the meat?