The wind outside whistled low through the gaps in the scrap walls of the bandit camp. The tent rustled like an old plastic bag caught on barbed wire. Inside, Lin Feng lay wide-eyed on his creaky cot, staring at the sagging tarp above.
Sleep wasn't happening.
His head was pounding with thoughts—about Gravetown, about leading people, about Celestine's creepy cult plan… and mostly about how much of a fraud he felt like.
"I'm not a leader," he muttered, voice barely audible over the wind. "I'm just a loser with a harem and a death wish."
After a few more minutes of existential spiraling, he gave up trying to sleep.
"…ESI."
A familiar blue shimmer blinked into life in the air beside him. The holographic girl with twin ponytails stretched her arms overhead like she'd just rolled out of a bed made of internet snark.
"Back so soon, Commander?" she teased, hovering cross-legged. "Still fantasizing about frost assassins stepping on you?"
Lin blushed. "I—no! I mean—shut up! I just… wanted to check the party stats. For real this time. I gotta know what I'm working with if we're heading into Gravetown tomorrow."
ESI floated upside-down, smirking. "Oh, so now you care about numbers instead of thighs. Progress."
"Can we just… pull up the tab?"
"Fine, fine. Party Status Interface: Activate."
A clean blue UI panel shimmered into view in front of Lin. Four profiles were displayed side by side—his four bonded companions. He tapped the first one.
[Yue Qingling – Frost Lotus]
Race: Human (Cryogenic-Modified)Rank: BPower Score: 3,700
Strength: 220
Agility: 550
Stamina: 430
Speed: 720
Defense: 400
Health: 1,100
Health Regen: 18 HP/hour
Stamina Regen: 12 per hour
Lin stared at the numbers.
"She's… cracked."
"She's a walking icicle of death," ESI said. "And she's still scaling. If she hits A-rank, kiss your enemies goodbye."
"And probably me too…" Lin muttered.
"She might freeze your dick off mid-blush."
"Don't say that!"
He tapped the next name, nervously rubbing his palms on his pants.
[Sierra Maddox – Gunbunny Valkyrie]
Race: Human (Wastelander)Rank: CPower Score: 2,500
Strength: 370
Agility: 390
Stamina: 420
Speed: 360
Defense: 250
Health: 640
Health Regen: 12 HP/hour
Stamina Regen: 14 per hour
"Goddamn," Lin said. "That's… a lot of stamina."
"Girl can run circles around a mutant horde with one mag and a stiff breeze," ESI replied. "Plus her mood affects her bullets. She's one orgasm away from becoming artillery."
"W-What the fuck…"
"Don't act surprised, you were there when she shot a ricochet round off a frying pan."
Lin looked away and tapped Yuzuki's tab next.
[Yuzuki Hoshino – Radiant Blade Idol]
Race: Human (Idol Mutation)Rank: CPower Score: 2,100
Strength: 310
Agility: 420
Stamina: 300
Speed: 380
Defense: 200
Health: 460
Health Regen: 9 HP/hour
Stamina Regen: 10 per hour
"She's built like a gymnast," Lin said quietly.
"Because she is one," ESI said. "She's your fast-moving, morale-boosting, sword-slashing cheerleader. Just don't let her get surrounded."
"She's small," Lin muttered. "But still packs a punch…"
"And gets dangerously jealous."
"I know," Lin groaned.
He hesitated a moment before tapping the final profile: the weirdest member of the group.
[Celestine Ravel – Witch of the Ruined Choir]
Race: Human (Psionic Variant)Rank: CPower Score: 2,400
Strength: 180
Agility: 240
Stamina: 460
Speed: 210
Defense: 300
Health: 810
Health Regen: 21 HP/hour
Stamina Regen: 18 per hour
Lin blinked. "Wait—she has the highest health regen?"
"Girl heals like a lizard in a tanning salon," ESI smirked. "It's part of her psionic mutation. She needs to tank your damage if you get hit, remember?"
"Right… the soul link…"
"She's creepy, devoted, and unkillable. You got lucky."
"I got terrified," Lin corrected.
ESI stretched in midair, glowing softly in the dark.
"So," she said. "You've got one ice assassin, one horny gunbunny, one idol with speed hacks, and one goth psychic masochist. All emotionally bonded. All deadly."
Lin stared at the glowing stats, heart pounding.
"And then there's me," he muttered.
He opened his own tab.
[Lin Feng – Catalyst (System Master)]
Race: Human (Unmodified)Rank: EPower Score: 115
Strength: 6
Agility: 6
Stamina: 6
Speed: 23.2
Defense: 2
Health: 60
Health Regen: 0.6 HP/hour
Stamina Regen: 0.6 per hour
Libido: 1 min
Size: 5 cm
"God. Fucking. Dammit," he whispered.
ESI cackled beside him.
"Sleep well, Commander."
"…Fuck you."
"Love you too~"
The screen faded. The wind outside howled again.
But somehow, Lin felt a little more prepared for what was coming.Even if Gravetown ended up being a deathtrap.At least he knew the people fighting beside him weren't just bonded by fate…They were built to survive.
***
The sun hadn't even fully risen when Lin stepped out of his tent, squinting against the dusty glare. The camp was already stirring—bandits grumbling over boiled beans, some sharpening weapons, others pretending to be busy to avoid patrol duty. Lin scratched the back of his neck and yawned. He hadn't slept more than a few hours, and his lower back felt like he'd wrestled a mutant bear in his dreams.
Then he saw her.
In the middle of the courtyard, sitting on an upturned crate like it was a royal throne, was Yuzuki Hoshino—bright-eyed, legs swinging, grinning like she was still on stage.
Three grizzled, tattooed bandits were crouched around her, hands delicately working over her bare feet with surprising finesse. One had a wet cloth. Another was oiling her ankles. The third looked like he was reciting a haiku to her toenails.
"Producer-sama~!" Yuzuki sang out, spotting him immediately. She raised a hand and waved furiously, almost bouncing off the crate. "Good morning~! Come try this out, desu!"
Lin froze.
He blinked. Looked left. Looked right.
Surely she didn't mean—
"Y-You mean… the, uh… the massage?" he asked, voice cracking as he pointed weakly at the scene like it was some kind of forbidden porno.
"Yes, yes! These guys have amazing hands! I feel like a spoiled princess~! You gotta try it, Producer-sama~!"
One of the bandits looked up, grinning a little too wide.
"Cap'n, we're just givin' back to the community, y'know? Real team spirit. She's been entertainin' morale with her cute little songs. Ain't that right, boys?"
"Damn right," another bandit said, still rubbing circles into Yuzuki's arch. "Best voice I heard since the bombs dropped. Pure fuckin' heaven."
"The way she sings and kicks ass? She's like, uh, an angel with knives," added the third.
Yuzuki giggled. "Awwww, you guys~!"
Lin hesitated.
Everything about this was screaming bad idea. The old Lin—the version who sat in his dorm jacking off to idol livestreams—would've nosebled himself to death.
But now?
Now he was the leader.
The reluctant leader, yeah. But still.
So why did the sight of a bunch of bandits massaging his waifu's feet like they were worshipping the Holy Grail make his chest feel tight?
"I-I dunno," he mumbled. "I mean, I don't wanna interrupt…"
"Interrupt? You're the boss!" Yuzuki beamed. "And besides, we've got plenty of hands~! Don't be shy~!"
The bandits all looked at him expectantly.
One of them even patted the edge of a bench. "Come on, Cap'n. We'll take care of ya. You've been workin' hard too."
Lin's stomach fluttered. He rubbed the back of his neck.
"I mean… I guess a few minutes wouldn't hurt…"
"Atta boy," ESI whispered in his ear. He flinched and swatted the air. She wasn't visible—but she was enjoying this.
He slowly, awkwardly sat down on the bench beside Yuzuki. One of the bandits shuffled over behind him and started kneading his shoulders without being asked.
"Gah—! F-Fuck—uh—whoa… okay that's… not bad…"
"Told you!" Yuzuki grinned. "These guys are better than the salon I used to sneak into in Shibuya~!"
Lin flinched as calloused thumbs dug into a knot behind his shoulder blade. "Ow—shit—fuck, how do you even know how to do this?!"
"I used to be a street medic," the bandit behind him said. "Before the world went to shit."
Another bandit leaned closer to Yuzuki. "Miss Hoshino, you ever think of recordin' again? Bet the whole damn wasteland would kill to hear your voice."
"Yeah, you're like… hope, but hot," the second added.
"Awwww~! You guys are too much!" Yuzuki flushed, covering her face with her hands. "You're making me blush~!"
Lin peeked sideways. Her cheeks were rosy. Her legs swinging lazily while she basked in the attention. If she'd had a tail, it'd be wagging.
One of the bandits gently massaged her calf, looking up with faux reverence.
"I swear, I ain't never seen anyone slice a raider's throat and then hit a high note in the same breath."
"Goddess-tier," muttered another.
"You think you could sign my shin pad later?"
"Maybe~! Producer-sama has to approve, though~!" she said, glancing at Lin with her usual starry gaze.
"H-Huh?" Lin blinked. "Me?"
She leaned in just a little closer, her voice sugary. "Mmhm~! You're my Producer-sama, after all~! You decide who gets my autographs, desu~!"
Lin's brain did a soft reboot.
"I—I mean—if you, uh, if you want to… not that I'd, like, control you or anything, you're your own person, of course, b-but I appreciate being… y'know, considered, and stuff—"
"Fuckin' smooth," ESI muttered into his ear like a sports commentator. "He's going down in the first round."
The massage pressure deepened on Lin's back and he let out a helpless groan. "Okay—fuck—fine, you win. I needed this…"
Yuzuki beamed beside him, swarmed by compliments and foot rubs. She was glowing. Literally. Her passive must've activated from all the attention.
Then she peeked over at Lin again, a little softer this time.
"I like seeing you relax, Producer-sama," she said quietly. "You always look so stressed…"
"I-I'm fine," he muttered. "Just… not used to this."
"Get used to it," one of the bandits chuckled. "Whole camp's watching you. You saved their asses. You're the big dick now, boss."
Lin nearly choked. "I-I'm—no—I'm average—!"
Everyone stared.
Yuzuki tilted her head innocently. "Huh?"
Lin buried his face in his hands. "FUCK—no—wait, I meant—fuckin' phrasing—!"
The bandits howled with laughter. Yuzuki giggled.
"Producer-samaaaa~! You're so silly~!"
He groaned louder as another thumb dug into a spot on his back that made his leg twitch.
This was going to be a long day.
Q: Do you play any JRPG?