The morning began with screaming.
Not the usual kind—Mu Lian discovering another sect finance scroll in debt, or Fang Mei hallucinating a squirrel turned demon.
No. This was celestial screaming.
From the skies.
Accompanied by golden lightning and a rain of formal paperwork.
I opened one eye from my hammock. "That better not be divine taxes again."
A scroll slammed directly into my face.
It unrolled.
"Congratulations! You have been selected as a finalist in the Celestial Harmony Marriage Lottery."
Mu Lian ran out, holding another scroll. "Kaito. Why is your name… paired with a war goddess?!"
"…I have no memory of this place."
Hook: The Contract No One Asked For
The scroll shimmered with divine script. It updated in real time.
Name: Kaito AsanoSpiritual Rank: Spirit Foundation (barely)Dao Path: Strategic ProcrastinationMatch: Goddess of Crimson Clarity, Yan XiuhuaStatus: Pending Mutual ConsentDeadline for Response: 72 hoursClause: Refusal without cause results in divine penalty. OR—you may challenge the match to an accepted trial for annulment.
I scratched my head.
Mu Lian was pacing in controlled panic.
"This isn't just a divine match—it's a contractual summons! Refusing improperly might offend one of the Heavenly Bureau's most volatile deities!"
"I see," I said, nodding. "How do I say no without moving?"
Enter the Goddess of Crimson Clarity
Lightning flashed above the sect.
A portal of flame tore open the clouds, and from it descended a woman radiating killing intent, war banners, and absolute indifference.
She wore celestial armor lined with dragon scales and a blade that pulsed like a heartbeat.
She landed, silently, in front of our gate.
Fang Mei blinked. "She's… gorgeous."
Mu Lian whispered, "She's also the reason three mountain ranges no longer exist."
I stood, yawned, and approached casually. "Yo."
The goddess raised one perfect brow. "So you are the mortal who dared to match with me."
"I think a pigeon did it on my behalf."
Terms of the Trial
Yan Xiuhua unrolled her own version of the contract.
"I have no interest in marrying a mortal," she said flatly. "But divine rules bind us both. I challenge you to a Trial of Refusal."
"Name it."
She smiled. Not the nice kind. The kind that ends empires.
"A match of Spirit Chess. If you lose, you sign the marriage contract. If you win, you are released."
Mu Lian whispered furiously in my ear: "Refuse! You've never played that in your life!"
I cracked my knuckles. "Don't worry. I'm going to play it exactly like I play cultivation."
"Which is?"
"Badly. But strategically."
Spirit Chess – A Game of Qi and Consequence
We sat before the divine board. Pieces shaped like sects, elements, and spirit beasts hovered in orbit around the grid.
Yan Xiuhua summoned celestial energy with every move, her mind slicing through formations like a blade.
I summoned… snacks.
Fang Mei whispered, "He's actually eating dried plums mid-match. This is suicide."
Mu Lian whispered back, "This is him."
I made my first move: sacrificing a major spirit piece to stall for time.
The goddess blinked. "You're giving up your entire Fire Gate just to preserve a single—wait—"
She frowned.
Then realized.
I wasn't trying to win.
I was trying to bore her into forfeiting.
Clash of Strategies
Every time she made a bold, aggressive move, I responded with something illogical, counterproductive, or spiritually lazy.
She destroyed my heavenly rook formation.
I responded by moving a tea shop piece into the center and proclaiming it the new spiritual core of my nation.
Mu Lian watched, horrified. "He's weaponizing mediocrity."
Yan Xiuhua clenched her jaw.
"Are you mocking the game?"
"No. I'm living it."
The board pulsed with qi as both of us activated passive domains.
Her aura became a battlefield of blood and divine will.
Mine? A gentle fog of drowsy confusion.
Stalemate of the Divine and the Deadbeat
After three hours, Yan Xiuhua had taken 89% of the board.
But every piece she conquered led to more absurd consequences:
Her war chariots got stuck in traffic from my lazy bureaucracy tiles.
Her phoenix formations paused to attend a mandatory nap-meditation symposium.
A surprise move caused a rogue spirit goose rebellion, which pecked her divine soldiers out of formation.
Finally, she leaned back.
Her divine armor dimmed slightly.
"You… are either a fool or a genius."
"False dichotomy," I said.
She exhaled, long and slow. "Fine. I concede."
Mu Lian nearly fainted.
Fang Mei dropped her snack.
System Notification: Divine Match Declined Successfully
You have survived a celestial match trial.+3 Sect Reputation (Confused, But Impressed)Unlocked Passive Technique: "Checkmate Without Winning" – Opponents gradually lose interest in fighting you the longer you stall effectively.
Aftermath: Terms of Peace (And a Cup of Tea)
Later, we sat by the sect pond, watching koi pretend they were dragons.
Yan Xiuhua removed her divine helm and finally smiled.
"You're different from what I expected."
"Most people expect a tragic genius," I said. "They get this instead."
She laughed—a short, clipped thing that might've cracked a few heavens.
"I'll retract the match. But let me offer this: if you ever find yourself at war with the heavens, I owe you one."
"Can I use it for snack delivery?"
She raised an eyebrow. "You already know the answer."
She vanished into light.
Fang Mei sighed dreamily.
Mu Lian stared at me. "You are the only person alive who could out-lazy a war goddess into surrender."
"Thanks," I said. "I try."
Closing: The Reputation of Deadbeats Rises
The next day, we received another divine scroll.
Heavenly Commentary Digest:"The Broken Heaven Sect has once again disrupted celestial processes through unconventional means.""We are reviewing whether to classify their Dao Path as a localized anomaly or a divine loophole."
Fang Mei stitched a new banner for the sect gate.
"Victory Through Inertia."
Mu Lian asked, "Don't you think you're pushing this too far?"
I lay back on my hammock.
"Probably. But that's a problem for Future Kaito."
She paused. "Do you think he'll handle it?"
"I think he'll delegate it to a trash demon or a confused bird."
We both laughed.
Then I fell asleep mid-tea.