Hook: A Threat Approaches… Very Slowly
At the edge of the mountain, a black fog slithered across the sky.
Birds went silent. The koi pond stilled.
Fang Mei looked up from her nap. "That's not weather."
Mu Lian sighed, already preparing spirit-sealing talismans. "Demonic Grandmaster. Rank: Sky Vein Realm. Name: Zhen Beihong. Bounty: 500,000 spirit stones. Cultivates through fear and conquest."
"Lovely," I said. "Tell him to come back after lunch."
"You don't understand—he eats sects. Absorbs their energy. We're next!"
I tilted my teacup.
"Maybe if we look very relaxed, he'll get confused and leave."
Mu Lian stared at me. "That's your plan?"
"It's worked on gods and accountants."
Arrival of the Sect-Eater
The clouds split like pulled cotton.
A massive shadow descended, riding a floating throne made of chained skulls and ominous organ music.
Zhen Beihong was shirtless, tattooed with infernal runes, and had eyes like dying suns.
He pointed at our gate.
"You. Are. Weak," he said, voice rumbling like thunder.
Mu Lian stood tall. "We're stronger than we look."
Fang Mei whispered, "No we're not."
Beihong sneered. "I will crush your will, your foundation, your very—"
I raised a hand. "Sorry. Quick question. Are you unionized?"
He blinked.
"What?"
"You're a demonic contractor, right? Just want to make sure you're getting fair compensation."
He paused. "…What?"
The Deadbeat Defense: Confuse, Disarm, Dismantle
Zhen Beihong's aura flared. "You mock me!"
"I confuse you," I corrected. "It's more effective."
He snarled and stepped forward—only for his boot to land on a lazy array rune.
Suddenly, time around him… slowed.
Fang Mei whispered, "Wait. Did we actually finish a formation?"
Mu Lian blinked. "I… forgot we even set that one."
System Notification:
Lazy Array Activated – "Zone of Existential Drowsiness"Effect: Aggressors entering the sect must resist increasing levels of apathy, distraction, and philosophical regret.
Beihong staggered.
His demonic flames… dimmed.
"…Why do I suddenly feel like journaling?" he murmured.
The Cultivation of Stillness
We offered him tea.
He swatted it aside.
Then paused.
Looked at it again.
"…What blend is this?"
"Spirit chrysanthemum and depressed ginseng," Fang Mei said proudly.
Beihong sat down—slowly—because his throne had melted into a beanbag.
"You think this will break me?" he hissed. "My mind is forged in torment."
"Exactly," I said. "But that's exhausting, right? Try… doing nothing. It's harder than it looks."
The demonic cultivator narrowed his eyes.
"…You're trying to trick me."
"Yes," I admitted. "But gently."
The Inner Conflict of a Villain
Beihong drank the tea.
He didn't explode. No curses. No poison.
Just… calm.
"This… reminds me of before," he said. "Before my master burned my village. Before I vowed vengeance. Before… everything."
Fang Mei whispered, "Oh no. He's reflecting."
Mu Lian grimaced. "He's going through a redemption arc."
I leaned closer.
"You don't need to destroy. You can just… rest."
"I've never rested," he murmured.
"Then maybe that's your path."
He stared into the teacup like it held the answers to the heavens.
Then slowly… leaned back against a tree.
The sky cleared.
System Notification: Hostile Converted
Demonic Threat: Zhen Beihong – Status Changed: "Philosophically Conflicted"+5 Sect Reputation: "Soothing the Irredeemable"New Passive Learned: Aura of Tranquil Repulsion – Hostile intent fades in your proximity over time.Potential Ally: Zhen Beihong – May awaken mid-nap with spiritual advice or ominous soup.
Aftermath: A Peaceful Sect... And One Extra Pillow
Later, Mu Lian approached as I swayed in the hammock.
She crossed her arms.
"You turned a mass-murdering Grandmaster into a spiritual nap enthusiast."
"Yep."
"You do realize this makes us a target for both demonic sects and righteous cultivators now?"
"Exactly. That's balance."
She groaned.
Beihong snored under a tree, spiritual energy softly pulsing in rhythm with the wind.
Fang Mei embroidered a new sect motto on the temple gate:
"The Dao of Doing Nothing... Properly."
Heaven Takes Notice Again
Days later, another scroll arrived from the Celestial Commentary Digest:
"The Broken Heaven Sect has tamed a Sky Vein Realm cultivator through herbal tea and emotional destabilization.""Is the Lazy Dao a threat? Or salvation?""We suspect this is all part of a long con. A very long one."
Mu Lian smirked.
"You're starting to scare Heaven."
"I'm not trying to."
"But you are, Kaito."
I considered that.
Then closed my eyes.
"Good."