I woke up to hushed voices in the dark.
Sheets rustled.
Someone sighed.
The fluorescent light over the bathroom door flicked on and off, a dim rectangle in the pitch black of the girls' room.
For a second i let myself pretend i wasn't here.
That i was back in my condo in Makati.
My own bed.
Blackout curtains.
AC blasting cold as a hotel.
No cameras in the corner of the ceiling.
No microphone taped to my shirt.
No one listening.
But then i heard Sofia whisper to Mia.
About tonight.
About nominations.
And the ache in my chest tightened.
Because it wasn't just another day in the Big Brother house.
It was Nomination Night.
By the time Kuya's voice boomed over the speakers "Housemates, please gather in the living room"
I'd already done my makeup.
Not too heavy.
Just enough.
A little concealer for the exhausted eyes.
Mascara, even if i knew i'd regret it if i cried.
I refused to look like i was crumbling.
Even if i felt it.
We filed out.
The boys were all there already.
Joshua gave me a nod, faint smile.
I tried to return it.
My stomach twisted when i saw the others.
Enzo.
Sofia.
Mia.
Rico.
Paolo.
All the ones who'd lost the task last week.
Because of that stupid win, Joshua and i were safe.
We didn't have to fight for our place.
But they did.
Two of them were going to leave tonight.
I perched on the arm of the couch.
Legs crossed.
Hands folded.
Trying to look composed.
Inside, I felt sick.
Kuya's voice came calm as ever.
"Housemates. Tonight, two of you will be leaving the house. Please prepare your votes."
Silence.
Mia was already crying.
She had both hands over her mouth, shoulders shaking.
Enzo put an arm around her.
Sofia stared at the floor.
Joshua exhaled and rubbed his palms on his jeans.
When it was my turn to vote, I actually hesitated.
My fingers hovered over the markers.
I didn't want to do it.
I didn't want to pick who would leave.
But Kuya reminded us:
"This is part of your responsibility here."
So i forced myself to circle the names.
Even though it felt like betrayal.
Even though i didn't want to.
When they announced the results, the room was deathly still.
Paolo and Sofia.
Those two had to go.
Mia outright sobbed.
Joshua sat back hard, blowing out his cheeks.
I pressed my fingers against my lips, biting them to keep from crying.
Sofia had her arms around Mia, whispering to calm her down.
Paolo nodded stiffly, blinking hard, jaw clenched.
No one cheered.
No one celebrated.
I hugged Sofia tight.
Felt her shaking.
"I'm sorry," I whispered in her hair.
She sniffed.
"Good luck, Margaux. Don't let them eat you alive."
I tried to laugh but it broke in my throat.
When they walked out the door, the buzzer rang.
That was it.
They were gone.
Just like that.
-
Afterward we sat there, scattered around the room.
Quiet.
We all knew the cameras were on us, but no one cared.
Enzo picked at the lint on the couch.
Mia wiped her eyes on her sleeve.
Joshua cracked his knuckles.
I sat very still, staring at the empty spot on the floor where Sofia had been sitting.
This is what i signed up for, I told myself.
Humiliation.
Loss.
Scrutiny.
This is what i chose.
But that didn't make it easier.
-
Later that night, we were called one by one to the Confession Room.
Kuya's voice was calm.
Kind, even.
"How do you feel about tonight's result?"
I swallowed.
"My chest hurts," I said honestly.
"Why?"
"Because it's my fault we were safe," I admitted.
"I know that doesn't make sense. But if we hadn't won the task, maybe i'd be the one leaving. Not them and i don't want anyone to leave."
Kuya didn't interrupt.
He just let me talk.
"Do you think you deserve to stay?"
I sucked in a breath.
Stared at the floor.
"I want to," I whispered.
"I don't know if i deserve it. But i want to."
By the time i left the Confession Room, my mascara was smudged.
But i wiped it off.
Redid my face in the bathroom.
Forced a smile when i walked back out.
Joshua offered me a fist bump.
I took it.
We didn't talk about it.
We didn't need to.
-
The next day was supposed to be a "reset."
A chance to clear the air.
Kuya told us over the intercom to gather in the garden.
There were two boxes.
One filled with little green flags.
One with red.
Joshua whistled low.
"What's this, flag football?"
Kuya's voice cut in, too calm to be comforting.
"Housemates. Today, you will each cast votes for one another. Green if you think they are being true to themselves in this house. Red if you think they are not."
Silence.
"You cannot vote for yourself. You must vote for everyone else."
My heart fell.
I knew immediately how this would go.
We lined up.
One by one.
Dropping flags into the labeled baskets under everyone's name.
It felt like elementary school and a firing squad at the same time.
I held my breath while i chose.
Tried to be fair.
Didn't just vote green for my friends.
Didn't vote red out of spite.
It was harder than i thought.
But i did it.
When it was over, we sat in a semicircle while the crew tallied the flags.
My fingers drummed on my thigh.
Sweat prickled the back of my neck.
Kuya's voice again:
"We will now announce the housemate who received the most red flags."
No one breathed.
"Margaux."
It was so quiet you could hear the wind in the trees outside.
I felt every pair of eyes on me.
Burning.
Judging.
"Margaux received the most red flags. This indicates many of you feel she is not showing her true self."
Kuya's voice was neutral.
Not unkind.
But it landed like a punch.
I bit the inside of my cheek so hard i tasted blood.
Joshua immediately shifted, leaning forward.
Mia reached out and touched my knee.
But no one else moved.
A couple of them wouldn't even meet my eyes.
I forced myself to smile.
It felt like my face would crack.
"First week, right?" I said, voice cracking on the joke.
"Plenty of time to change your minds."
A few people actually laughed, relieved.
Joshua gave me a slow nod, like he was proud of me.
But inside?
I was shattering.
We were dismissed back into the house.
Everyone drifted away in pairs.
Low conversations.
Side glances.
A few people actually tried to avoid walking next to me.
I didn't blame them.
They wanted to win.
Why would they want to be close to me?
The girl with the most red flags.
The "fake" one.
I made it to the girls' room before i cracked.
I shut the door.
Collapsed onto my bed.
Buried my face in the pillow.
The first sob ripped out of me like it had claws.
Ugly.
Wet.
Uncontrolled.
They thought i was fake.
Me.
The one who hadn't even defended herself outside because she didn't want to look like she was blaming anyone else.
The one who sat there and let people spit on her reputation because she thought eventually the truth would speak for itself.
The one who tried so hard in every task.
Who cooked even though she burned rice twice.
Who washed dishes until her cuticles bled.
Who tried to learn to sweep without looking like an idiot.
But it didn't matter.
Not to them.
I muffled the sobs in my pillow.
Curled up tight.
Wishing i could disappear.
I heard the door rattle once.
Someone testing it.
Then a soft voice outside.
Mia.
"Margaux? You okay?"
I didn't answer.
I couldn't.
She didn't push.
Just sighed.
"Okay. I'm here if you need."
I pressed my face harder into the pillow.
Hating myself for crying.
Hating them for voting.
Hating myself more for caring so much.
I stayed like that for an hour.
Maybe two.
Until my throat was raw and my face was swollen.
When i finally sat up, I wiped my eyes hard.
Looked in the cracked little mirror by the bed.
Mascara streaks.
Red nose.
I looked like shit.
But i squared my shoulders.
Wiped it all away.
Forced a breath in.
Out.
They might not believe me.
They might think i was fake.
But i wasn't leaving.
Not yet.
Because i wasn't done proving myself.
Not to them.
Not to the world.
Not even to me.