I was shaking before they even said my name.
No cameras on us yet just the mic checks, the booming bass from the crowd outside the studio gates, the glaring stage lights being tested.
I could hear them screaming.
"BIG NIGHT! BIG NIGHT!"
My heart was about to rip out of my chest.
Mia caught my hand.
She squeezed.
"You okay?"
I managed a laugh.
It was so brittle it felt like glass in my throat.
"I'm going to throw up," I whispered.
She squeezed again.
"Same."
Joshua was pacing, running a hand through his hair.
Mariel sat on a plastic chair, fanning herself with the little program booklet.
We were all wrecks.
No sleep for days.
Barely any food that didn't taste like salt from our own tears.
And then the floor director's headset crackled.
"Housemates—stand by. We're live in three... two... one..."
The wall separating us from the crowd slid open.
The sound was deafening.
I actually winced.
Lights everywhere.
Host screaming into the mic.
"PINOY BIG BROTHER CELEBRITY EDITION—BIG NIGHT!"
My knees went weak.
I kept breathing.
In.
Out.
Smile.
Look normal.
Pretend i wasn't about to collapse.
I felt the hand on my back guiding me forward.
We walked in a line onto the stage.
Spotlights followed us.
I tried not to squint.
The audience was a sea of people.
Waving placards.
Phone flashlights.
Some actually had my name.
MARGAUX IMPERIAL.
Written in glitter.
I stopped walking.
Just for a second.
Staring at those signs.
Those people screaming for me.
My vision went blurry.
I blinked hard.
Get it together.
We lined up.
Cameras in our faces.
I saw myself on the giant LED screen behind the host.
My hair was perfect.
Makeup flawless.
But i was pale.
Eyes too big.
Terrified.
The host's voice boomed again.
"AFTER MONTHS INSIDE KUYA'S HOUSE... AFTER ALL THE TASKS... ALL THE NOMINATIONS... THE TIME HAS COME!"
The crowd roared.
I wanted to be sick.
They went through the usual script.
Highlights.
Crying montages.
My worst moments replayed for everyone.
My best ones too, but all i could hear was the roar in my ears.
My blood in my skull.
Then the host turned to us.
"Housemates... ready na ba kayo?"
I felt my stomach drop.
No one spoke.
He grinned.
"I'll take that as a yes."
He called fourth place.
"MARIEL!"
Screams.
Mariel clapped a hand over her mouth, sobbing.
We hugged her.
She was shaking.
They ushered her off for her solo interview.
We were three.
Mia was crying already.
Joshua stared at the floor.
I couldn't even swallow.
"Third place..." the host yelled.
The pause felt like an hour.
"JOSHUA!"
The crowd roared again.
He let out a harsh breath.
Turned and hugged both of us.
"You got this," he murmured in my ear.
Then he was gone.
Just me and Mia.
Two women.
Holding hands so tight our knuckles went white.
Our hair was blowing in the wind machines.
My mic picked up my heartbeat.
I was sure of it.
I heard them start chanting.
"MARGAUX! MIA! MARGAUX! MIA!"
I felt dizzy.
The host was laughing.
Feeding it.
He had his envelope.
Big, golden.
As if it was God's word.
He milked it for the cameras.
"You two... are you ready?"
I think we both shook our heads.
He laughed again.
"THE BIG WINNER OF PINOY BIG BROTHER CELEBRITY EDITION..."
I squeezed Mia's hand so hard she winced.
"IS..."
The crowd went silent.
It was so quiet i heard someone cough in the front row.
"...MARGAUX SERENE IMPERIAL!"
I don't even know what sound came out of me.
It wasn't a scream.
It wasn't a sob.
It was something animal.
Something raw.
The confetti cannons went off.
Silver and gold.
Exploding around us.
I felt it stick to my hair, my tears.
Mia was hugging me so hard we almost fell.
She was crying.
"YOU DID IT!"
I couldn't even hug her back.
I was frozen.
I heard the host yelling my name.
"OUR BIG WINNER! MARGAUX!"
I turned to face the audience.
Thousands of people.
Actually thousands.
Holding up my name.
Screaming it.
Chanting it.
"Margaux! Margaux! Margaux!"
My legs buckled.
For real.
I had to grab Mia's arm not to hit the ground.
They handed me flowers.
A big fake check with my name on it.
Photos everywhere.
I didn't even know where to look.
I felt hot tears pour down my cheeks.
I couldn't wipe them fast enough.
They just kept coming.
The host was yelling something at me.
I think it was "SPEECH!"
I shook my head.
Put my hand over my mouth.
But he thrust the mic in my face.
I tried to breathe.
I tried so hard.
Finally.
Shaking.
Sobbing.
I got words out.
"Thank you."
My voice cracked.
I swallowed.
"Thank you. I... I don't know what to say."
The crowd screamed.
I closed my eyes.
Breathed.
"I thought everyone hated me."
It got quieter.
People leaned in.
"I thought I didn't deserve anything. Not even to be here. But... you... you all..."
I had to stop.
The sobs ripped out of me.
I shook my head.
Wiped my face.
"You gave me a chance. You let me try. Thank you for letting me try."
The host took the mic gently.
He put an arm around me.
The crowd erupted again.
"OUR BIG WINNER—MARGAUX!"
They led me offstage in a daze.
Flashbulbs.
Security.
Someone shouting my name for an interview.
I didn't even hear it.
I felt like i was floating.
Or drowning.
They put me in a black van.
Aircon blasting.
My makeup was destroyed.
Mascara everywhere.
Confetti still stuck in my hair.
My manager climbed in.
Closed the door.
It was quiet for the first time all night.
I just sat there.
Flowers in my lap.
The check falling onto the floor.
I was breathing like I'd run a marathon.
He looked at me.
Really looked.
"You okay?"
I let out a wet, broken laugh.
"Do i look okay?"
He smiled.
Tired.
But proud.
"Congratulations."
I shook my head.
My fingers dug into the bouquet stems.
"Why? Why did they pick me?"
He didn't answer right away.
He just watched me.
I dropped my gaze.
"I don't get it. They hated me. They wanted me dead. Now they're... screaming my name?"
He leaned forward.
Lowered his voice.
"So they saw you."
I blinked.
"What?"
"They saw you," he repeated.
"The real you. The one you tried to hide so hard. The one who wouldn't give up even when everyone told you to disappear."
I swallowed hard.
He went on.
"They saw you cook even when you didn't know how. They saw you help even when you were scared. They saw you cry. Laugh. Fight. Apologize. They saw you, Margaux."
I pressed my forehead to the window.
It was cool.
Wet with fog from my breath.
"They saw me be pathetic," I whispered.
He gave a small laugh.
"Yeah. That too. And they loved you for it."
I didn't answer.
I just watched the neon signs outside blur as we drove.
He spoke softly.
"From most hated to most loved. You did that. No one else. You."
My chest ached.
I sniffed.
Wiped my face again.
He let me sit in silence for a long time.
Finally he tapped my knee gently.
"Sleep if you can. You have a press con in the morning."
I snorted wetly.
Typical.
But i let my head fall back on the seat.
Closed my eyes.
My heart still wouldn't slow.
But for the first time in a long time...
I didn't feel like i was drowning.
I felt...
Light.
And if tomorrow i had to fight all over again?
So be it.
At least now, I knew someone would be watching.
Cheering.
Believing.
Even if it was just one person.
It would be enough.