I walked up to Dehya, arms swinging like I owned the desert. Spoiler: I did not. But confidence is half the battle. The other half is not getting stabbed.
"Sooo, uh... Fire Cat Mommy," I said, flashing my signature grin that's gotten me into more trouble than I'd ever admit—mostly because I'm usually unconscious afterward. "What now? We just stay here and vibe until Hydro Mommy finishes her elegant little torture session?"
Dehya tilted her head, clearly immune to my nonsense after prolonged exposure. She crossed her arms and thought for a second. "We could meet again after a couple of days."
I turned around dramatically and announced to the squad, "You hear that, guys? She said we could kill ourselves in boredom."
Lumine slapped her forehead so hard, I felt it echo through my bones. For a moment, I swear I saw stars.
Nilou blinked, innocent and full of sunshine. "I don't think that's what Dehya meant."
"No adventure means no thrill. No thrill means no chaos. And no chaos—" I raised a hand like a deranged philosopher preparing to drop some cursed wisdom. "—equals boredom. It's basic math, Goddess."
Lumine groaned like she just lost five years of life. "That's not even remotely the same thing."
"Agree to disagree," I said with the smugness of someone who just discovered addition yesterday.
Nilou chuckled, the sweet sound of someone who hasn't yet suffered enough of my logic. But don't worry, I'll ruin that innocence soon.
"Alright," I said, throwing my arms around like I was conducting an invisible orchestra. "Shall we just head back to the teapot and rot until further notice?"
There were no objections. That's a win. Or apathy. Either way, I'll take it.
Back at the teapot, which thankfully had not exploded or been eaten by abyss moles in our absence—though the possibility remains high—everyone scattered to their usual posts like well-trained chaos agents.
Paimon yawned midair. "Paimon's gonna go take a quick bath. Flying around all day with sand in your armpits is not fun."
But before she even reached the door, I sprinted past her like a comet of soap and irresponsibility. "TOO LATE, LOSER!"
I locked the door behind me with a triumphant laugh that echoed with the energy of a child stealing cookies.
Paimon pounded the door, voice shrill. "YOU'RE GONNA TAKE FOREVER AGAIN, AREN'T YOU?!"
From the other side, I was already pouring half a bottle of bubble bath into the tub. "It's called skincare, Paimon. Look it up. Also, it's bubble battle time."
Greg was somewhere outside, probably chewing on a rock or becoming king of a squirrel gang. His life was mysterious and possibly more exciting than ours.
Meanwhile, Lumine and Nilou took the high road and headed for the kitchen. Nilou offered to help cook, and Lumine, against all odds, did not say no. That was character development right there.
Lumine even smiled a little. I know because I heard the distant sound of angels questioning their existence.
One hour, half a tub of shampoo, and multiple renditions of my bathtub concert later—including a soulful ballad called "Why Is There Soap in My Eye"—I emerged with fluffy hair and zero shame.
We gathered around the table for lunch. It was actually good. Which was suspicious.
I squinted at my plate. "Okay, who cooked this and what do you want from me?"
"Nilou helped," Lumine said casually, sipping her tea.
"That explains the taste of sunshine. But there's also a hint of doom in here. You didn't poison this, right?"
She blinked slowly. "Would I tell you if I did?"
"That's fair. You wouldn't waste good poison on me. Probably just knock me out with a sandal or something more budget-friendly, huh?"
Lumine snorted. "Oh please, like you're even worth the effort of a sandal. I'd just tell Nilou to hug you until you pass out."
"And I would gladly do it!" Nilou chimed in, cheerfully.
"See? That's emotional damage and physical threat combined. Triple combo," I muttered while stabbing a dumpling.
"You'll get used to this, Nilou," Paimon said, waving her chopsticks. "Paimon has already given up on both of them. We're just here for the food now."
"Speaking of," I glanced around the table, "anyone else notice Greg's been guarding the grilled meat like it's sacred treasure?"
Greg hissed.
"See? That's lizard for 'touch it and die.'"
Lumine reached over and snatched a piece anyway. Greg looked betrayed.
"You'll be fine," she said, chewing. "You already ate three plates."
"I don't know how we always end up feeding a lizard like he's a king," I sighed.
"Because he is," Nilou whispered, petting Greg's head like a loyal subject.
Paimon nudged a bowl toward me. "Here, Shigeru. Eat more so you don't get knocked out by hugs again."
"...You people really know how to build a guy's confidence. Still, I'll accept the hug anyway. I mean, I'll probably combust from the sheer emotional pressure, but hey—worth it.
Nilou chuckled warmly and pulled me into a soft, gentle hug. My heart immediately betrayed me, hammering against my ribs like it was trying to break free.
"Heart rate's skyrocketing—code red—rebooting," I muttered, slamming my fist to my chest like I was smacking an old TV. "Reboot successful."
Lumine shook her head at me, utterly unimpressed. "You're beyond help."
After the meal, I stretched dramatically like a cat preparing for a very stupid hunt. "Soooo... are we really just going to stay here and let the sands of boredom bury us alive? Because I already wrote my will and everything."
Lumine raised an eyebrow. "Do you have something in mind?"
I tapped my chin, gears grinding in my head. Ideas flowed. Terrible, awful ideas. The best kind.
"We could set off fireworks inside the teapot—"
"No," said Lumine, already bracing herself.
"We could put Paimon in a bucket and roll her downhill—"
"Absolutely not," Nilou said, a little too protectively.
"We could dig a hole and pretend it's a portal to Celestia!"
"That's not how Celestia works!" Paimon flailed.
Then—ding—the lightbulb moment. The chaotic muse had spoken.
I clapped my hands together, grinning like I just discovered electricity and immediately licked a socket. "Alright, guys! I know what we're going to do today!"
Internally: Nailed it! Been dying to say that line for years. Phineas and Ferb, thank you for my personality.
Lumine squinted at me like I was a math problem with extra steps. "This isn't one of your weird ideas, is it?"
I winked. "Oh, it's weird all right. But it's a classic. A throwback. A nostalgic nightmare."
Nilou tilted her head. "Where are we going?"
I turned slowly, eyes glowing with chaotic energy and maybe shampoo fumes. "Since our lovely dancing flower just recently joined the team... I think it's time we went there again."
Lumine's eyes widened slowly, horror creeping in like mold.
Paimon's floaty body trembled. "No... no no no! Paimon still hasn't recovered from Inazuma!"
Lumine whispered something in a forgotten tongue. I'm assuming it was profanity or a desperate plea to Venti.
Nilou blinked innocently. "What's happening? Where are we going?"
I threw my arms open like a man welcoming the apocalypse.
"Time for some artifacts farming!!!!"
"NOOOOOOOO!" Lumine and Paimon screamed in haunting unison, the kind that echoed through the teapot walls and probably cracked a few vases.
Greg popped out from behind a cushion and promptly fainted. Poor guy never stood a chance.
It was going to be a great day.
Probably.
Maybe.
Okay, not really, but I was ready for the grind.
And Nilou had no idea what was coming.
Heh.
***
Alright, so here's the plan: Domain of Molten Iron Fortress. Fancy name. Hot place. Lots of lava. Probably smells like armpits and doom. But first? We gotta prep Nilou.
See, Nilou may be the prettiest flower in Sumeru, but in battle, she needs to be more than just pretty. She needs numbers. Big ones. Stats. I sat her down right before the domain, and I launched into what was basically a crash course in Teyvat's very own Math 101.
"Nilou," I said, adjusting my imaginary glasses. "You're gonna need Vourukasha's Glow. You know, the artifact set."
She blinked at me. Twice.
"Is that like... a dance outfit?"
I nearly choked on my own breath. Lumine chuckled beside me, and Paimon snorted.
"Artifacts are... sort of like magical gear," Lumine explained kindly. "They boost your strength, stats, and special abilities. Think of them like... accessories that make you punch harder. Or in your case, dance deadlier."
"Exactly!" I pointed at Lumine like she was the world's best visual aid. "You're a Hydro support-damage hybrid. Which means: HP%. Flat HP. Everything health-related is your best friend. Like, besties. Like, text-each-other-every-day level."
Nilou tilted her head, clearly trying her best. "So... the more health I have... the more I hurt?"
"YES!" I clapped so hard a nearby desert fox ran for its life. "That's the spirit! You heal, you bloom, and you detonate everyone in flower-y vengeance. It's beautiful. It's violent. It's art."
But then I paused. Mid-rant. I spotted a random rock in the middle of the desert. Just... there. No reason. No logic. Just a lonely boulder vibing.
"Hold up," I said, walking toward it. "I'm having a vision."
Lumine blinked. "A vision?"
Paimon floated closer. "Is he okay?"
"He sat down. He's not okay," Lumine deadpanned.
I plopped myself down on the suspiciously smooth rock, opened my satchel, and took out...
My phone.
"Alright," I muttered to myself. "Time to break the fourth wall a little."
I opened the Genshin app. It booted up like a blessing from the Archons themselves. Music. Shine. Logo. Home screen. And when it loaded?
Nilou's profile was lit.
"HA!" I grinned so hard my cheeks hurt. "She's officially registered as a playable character."
Lumine squinted. "What is he doing?"
"No idea. But Paimon bet it involves something chaotic," Paimon mumbled.
I went into the character menu and without hesitation, maxed Nilou to Level 90. Boom. Ascended. Juiced. Ready to obliterate people in the name of bloom.
"Now for the juicy part... Constellations."
I tapped the constellation screen. One star. Just one. Unacceptable.
"This won't do. I need you to become the final boss of water ballet."
I navigated to the Wish tab. And to my absolute delight, sitting next to the Inazuma Chronicle banner...
"A SOLO BANNER!?" I screamed. "IT'S NILOU'S BANNER!"
"Shigeru! What are you doing?!" Lumine called out. Nilou blinked at me nervously.
"Power. I am ascending to power, my friends."
I spent nearly every primogem I had hoarded from chests, commissions, dumb quests, side stories, and Greg-related crimes.
I smashed that wish button like it owed me mora. Primogems flew like tears at a sad anime ending.
"One! Two!—Ugh, come on, a Bloodtainted Greatsword? Again?!" I hissed, halfway shaking my phone. "I swear, if I see one more of these useless 3-stars, I'm feeding it to my level one Amber and letting fate decide."
And then it happened.
C6 Nilou. Key of Khaj-Nisut. Her actual signature weapon.
I was crying. Literally crying.
"Wait a second," I muttered, flicking back. "Lumine needs some love too. Let's get her something shiny."
I clicked on the Inazuma banner.
Haran and Mistsplitter were gone.
"...WHAT?!"
My whole soul deflated like a balloon that got kicked off a cliff.
"Don't tell me they're unique in this world," I muttered. "One copy only...?"
I scrolled. One banner remained.
Thundering Pulse.
"That'll do. I use bows. And big damage. And regrets."
Pull.
First 10 wishes. Nothing.
Second 10. Four-star weapons and depression.
Third 10—gold.
"THUNDERING PULSE!!! LET'S GOOOOOOO!"
I fist-pumped like a maniac then casually walked back to the others like I hadn't just gambled the family savings.
"Behold," I whispered dramatically, standing up with my arms raised. "The Perfect Nilou."
I jogged back toward them and handed Nilou her new weapon like I was gifting her Excalibur.
"For you, milady. A sword worthy of your elegance."
She gasped. Her eyes sparkled like the ocean. "It's beautiful! Thank you, Shigeru!"
"It's yours. It boosts your damage like a firework in a glass bowl."
"I don't know what that means but thank you!"
Lumine gave me a sideways smile. The kind that said, "You're a moron, but a sweet one."
Then I turned to Lumine.
"Yours too. Upgraded Mistsplitter. Now swing it like you're mad at your problems."
She gave me a warm, knowing smile.
"Thank you, Shigeru."
Oof.
Right in the heart.
"A-Alright!" I cleared my throat. "Time to resume our journey. Come on, team."
Greg the lizard climbed up my shoulder like the scaly menace he is.
With weapons and constellations sorted, we marched onward. Through the blazing heat. Past rock formations that looked vaguely like screaming faces. Past a cactus that Greg tried to bite.
Until we were stopped.
By a giant scorpion.
"You've got to be kidding me," I muttered, dodging a very sharp tail.
"Why does it look like a lobster and a nightmare had a baby?!" Paimon screamed.
We fought it. Danced around it. Nilou looked like an elegant water blade of doom. Lumine was slicing through enemies like a hot knife through butter.
I got hit. A lot. But it was cool. Probably.
Then came the Eremites. Again.
"WHO KEEPS SENDING YOU GUYS?!" I yelled while parrying a scimitar. "DO YOU HAVE A NEWSLETTER?!"
Finally, a Lady With Bow and her Giant Bird Pal. No name. Just sass and feathers.
"I swear, if this bird tries to poop on me—"
"Shigeru! Focus!" Lumine yelled.
"Right! Right. Teamwork."
Some chaos later, a lot of sand in places I wish not to describe, we made it to the Domain of Molten Iron Fortress.
The door stood tall. Ominous. Sizzling with passive-aggressive heat.
I looked at my team. Nilou, now gloriously sparkly. Lumine, blade ready. Paimon, floating with mild irritation. Greg, sitting on my shoulder like a passive plush.
I grinned.
"Alright. Who's ready to suffer again?"
Nilou groaned.
Lumine sighed.
Paimon facepalmed.
Greg licked his eyeball.
I raised my sword and kicked the door open.
"LET'S. GOOOOOO!"
__________________
End of Chapter 120
Quests Completed:
*Ascend Nilou to Level 90, max out her constellations, and equip her signature weapon.
*Explain the concept of HP-scaling, Vourukasha's Glow, and the magical science of numbers to an innocent flower.
*Secure the bath before Paimon and lock the door like a petty king.
*Eat suspiciously good food without getting poisoned or slapped.
*Journey through the desert, fend off Eremites, avoid lethal scorpions, and get
*Fulfill long-held dream of saying "I know what we're going to do today."
*Capture a perfect slo-mo moment of Nilou evaporating Eremites with floral doom.
* Reconcile with Paimon after stealing the bath. Possibly bribe with juice or grilled shrimp.
Quest Failed:
*Track down who keeps sending wave after wave of Eremites. Is it a cult? A business? An MLM?
Rewards:
*Primogems 1,600 (earned before emotional gambling spree)
*C6 Nilou – Fully Unlocked, Now Illegal
*Key of Khaj-Nisut
*Thundering Pulse
*Mistsplitter Reforged Passed down to Lumine: (Lumine now legally terrifying)
*Suspiciously Good Dumplings (Possibly cursed, definitely delicious)
*Greg's Approval (Passive Buff) (+5 Style when near grilled meat)
*Emotional Damage x3– (Can be traded for sarcasm)
*Bathtub Concert Debuff: -10 Respect from Paimon, +50 Confidence
*Soap in the eye
*+1000 Affection points from Nilou
*+1000 Affection points from Lumine
*+200 grilled meat protection from Greg
*+1hour and 43 minutes of Paimon waiting for the bathroom