I never thought I'd see the day where a grown man—me—would be emotionally and spiritually defeated by digital accessories. But there I was, flat on my back in the middle of the Noblesse Oblige domain, staring up at the cursed ceiling like it owed me money.
Beside me was a defeated Ruin Guard, and beside that Ruin Guard were two other corpses—Lumine and Paimon, metaphorically speaking, of course. Though emotionally? We were all dead.
We had done it. We had farmed. We had grinded. We had screamed, cried, cursed, and at one point I think Paimon threatened to uninstall herself. But after days of torment, the Gacha Gods finally gave me mercy.
"We did it, right?" I mumbled, voice raspy from shouting at RNGesus for the past 72 hours. "A decent artifact?"
Lumine, lying like a starfish on the stone floor, gave a tired thumbs-up. "Yeah... decent... in the way raw tofu is decent."
Paimon floated horizontally, like she was trying to ascend to the afterlife. "It only took three days... of suffering... and we still got DEF rolls."
I stared at the Noblesse set now equipped on my character. The main stat was good. The substats were... tolerable. In a "your child got a C on their report card but at least they didn't fail" kind of way.
We spent way too much time there. Like seriously, imagine farming something so long that you start recognizing individual cracks on the domain walls. I started naming them. Steve. Karen. Bob with the weird chip that looks like a squirrel.
Every run became a ritual. Lumine would sigh dramatically. Paimon would shout "Let's gooooo!" in a tone that increasingly sounded like a cry for help. And I would channel every ounce of my inner whale despite being as free-to-play as one can be.
"You know what?" I said, turning my head toward the ceiling with a sigh. "This is fine. This is our life now."
Lumine rolled to her side and stared at me. "How do you even level those things up? We don't have that many materials..."
Paimon nodded slowly. "And we never saw you use the enhancement stone."
I paused.
Ah.
They don't know about the Genshin app. Or the sacred Nilou folder.
I chuckled ominously. "There are things in this world, Paimon, that mankind was not meant to know."
She blinked. "That doesn't answer anything."
"Exactly," I said with a mysterious smile.
Lumine narrowed her eyes. "You're hiding something."
"Am I? Or am I simply... optimized?"
She groaned. "Whatever."
It was then that Paimon floated a little higher, eyeing me suspiciously. "You're definitely up to something. Is it a cheat code? A secret source? Some weird Traveler-only thing?"
I waved her off. "Nah, nah. Nothing like that. Just a little... personal method."
A long, awkward silence.
"It's the Nilou folder you always mention in your sleep, isn't it?" Lumine whispered.
I blinked. "What folder? I don't know what you're talking about. Who's Nilou? Sounds fake."
"You named one of your weapons after her," Lumine accused.
"Coincidence. Totally normal name. Popular in Inazuma. Very common."
Paimon looked at Lumine with an unreadable expression. Lumine sighed and crossed her arms. "You've got a problem."
"I have multiple," I replied proudly.
Lumine muttered something about uninstalling me.
With a renewed burst of energy that definitely did not come from several liters of imaginary gamer sweat, I jumped to my feet and clapped my hands. "Alright, team! Time for the next quest!"
Lumine looked at me warily. "Quest? What are we doing now?"
I grinned.
You know the grin.
The anime villain one.
"We're about to meet the emo blond again. And also another emo blond that looks suspiciously like you."
Lumine jolted like I had zapped her with Electro.
She sat up straight, eyes wide. "W-We're going to meet Aether?!"
I nodded solemnly, offering my hand like some kind of budget anime prince. "Ready to go?"
Lumine hesitated, then reached up and grabbed my hand. Paimon, eyes glimmering with excitement, floated beside us.
They looked at each other and nodded.
I pointed dramatically toward the door. "ONWARDS TO LIYUE WE GO!"
Teleportation time. We opened the map, clicked the closest waypoint near Liyue Harbor, and boom—blue sparkles, anime sound effect, and we were there.
Lumine stretched. "You know... if we can just use teleport waypoints, why didn't we use it when we came back to Mondstadt before?"
Ah. Crap.
I rubbed the back of my neck, sheepishly laughing. "Yeah... about that... I forgot to unlock the waypoint near the gates."
Paimon froze. "YOU. WHAT."
"No waypoint. No teleport," I said, very calmly, like someone announcing their own funeral.
Lumine deadpanned. "So we walked across the entire map for nothing?"
I held up a finger. "Not for nothing! We trained! We bonded! We got destroyed by ruin guards and nearly drowned that one time I accidentally fell into the waterfall!"
"You fell three times," Paimon muttered.
"IT WAS SLIPPERY."
"That's what you said after slipping off the cliff near Dawn Winery," Lumine added.
"I WAS TESTING GRAVITY."
"You were testing the bottom of the lake," Paimon deadpanned.
"That's science. You're welcome."
She sighed. "Fine, fine. So now what? How are we gonna find Aether? He's not just sitting around waiting for us."
I turned slowly toward them.
Cue the dramatic anime lighting.
"You just have to follow me... and trust me."
Lumine blinked.
Paimon floated closer. "...You say that like we're not about to walk into another boss fight we're totally unprepared for."
"We probably are," I admitted, smiling like an idiot. "But hey! That's half the fun."
"The other half is dying repeatedly," Lumine muttered.
"Exactly! So let's go make some memories. Painful, rage-inducing, possibly-traumatizing memories."
I raised my hand dramatically again.
"Adventure awaits! And maybe... a sibling reunion with extra emotional damage!"
Lumine blinked. "Wait... That Nilou girl is not going to be there, right?"
I blinked. "Uh, no. Why?"
She looked away too fast. "No reason."
Paimon whispered loudly to me, "She's jealous."
I whispered back, "I know."
Then she elbowed me.
"Ow! Okay okay, let's move. Emo reunion awaits!"
***
Let me get one thing straight: I did not wake up that morning expecting to be wrapped up in a heist, face an emo demon pope's cousin, or come face-to-face with an upside-down holy statue in the middle of a glorified crack in the ground. But hey, that's just how Tuesdays go when you're stuck in Teyvat with a floating emergency food, an emotionally constipated twin, and exactly zero common sense.
We headed over to see Lan, the Adventurers' Guild's very own branch manager. She looked the same as always—composed, professional, and exuding that 'I do taxes for fun' energy. But this time, she wasn't alone.
Standing next to her was Ganyu, the secretary with enough workload to power Snezhnaya's economy and enough grace to make you question if you remembered to brush your hair this morning.
They were mid-conversation when we arrived.
"Treasure hoarder activity has increased lately," Ganyu said, brows slightly furrowed. "They seem to be targeting ancient ruins... guarded by the Abyss Order."
Oh.
Fun.
I stepped forward, interrupting gently. "Yeah. We get it. You can stop there. That's our cue."
Lumine blinked at me, Paimon hovered suspiciously, and Ganyu tilted her head.
"You're volunteering to investigate?" she asked.
"If by volunteering, you mean 'impulsively throwing ourselves into danger again,' then yes, absolutely," I replied, flashing what I like to call my 'professional dumbass' smile.
Ganyu, ever the gentle queen, gave a small smile. "I was about to post a commission about it anyway. If you're offering, it would be a great help."
Lan chimed in right after, nodding approvingly. "That's right. It's good to see this in the hands of a reliable guild member."
"Reliable?" Lumine whispered.
"Are they talking about someone else?" Paimon muttered.
I ignored them both.
We packed up and made our way toward the ruins. It was one of those underground ancient ruin-type deals, which in Teyvat usually means two things: cool loot and trauma.
The entrance alone screamed ominous foreshadowing. Huge stone arch, glowing torches that lit themselves, and a chill in the air that whispered, "Hey buddy, time to question your life choices."
While exploring the mossy hallways and suspiciously creaky floors, Paimon floated ahead and suddenly shouted, "Over here! Look! Broken crates! Footprints! That's definitely Treasure Hoarder stuff!"
"Wow, it's almost like Lan and Ganyu actually know what they're doing," I said with mock surprise.
We passed a few ruined chambers, the kind that screamed 'booby trap,' and I'm like, man, if we die here, I'm haunting whoever designed this place. Ancient architects really had it out for future tourists.
Lumine walked quietly beside me. She hadn't said much since we entered.
That's when I noticed her silence wasn't the usual 'I'm brooding about my brother' kind. This one had an edge of unease. I leaned in.
"Feels strange, doesn't it?"
She nodded slowly.
"Yup," I said, cracking my knuckles. "Strange because we're about to hit some deep lore... and even deeper trouble."
Dramatic pause.
Then I grabbed both her and Paimon's hands, grinning wildly. "Let's go, anime style."
We glided down into a huge crevasse like three majestic chickens with questionable brain cells. The descent felt way longer than expected, like the pit itself was trying to swallow time. Echoes of our footsteps bounced up the walls as if warning us: You sure about this, chief?
As we landed, I immediately felt the vibe shift.
There it was.
The Statue of The Seven.
But it was upside down.
You ever see something that's just... wrong? Like pineapple on pizza levels of wrong? That was this.
The moment my eyes landed on it, my brain went quiet. Not the good kind of quiet, like when you meditate. No. The kind of quiet where your instincts go, "Hey, buddy... something's very, very messed up."
I stared at it, heart thumping. Memories stirred in the back of my head like a microwave about to explode. Faint images. A voice. Cold water. A stone door that wouldn't open. That same upside-down statue, mocking gravity and godhood alike.
"Heh..." I smirked. "Been a while since I last saw this."
Paimon looked horrified.
"It's... it's holding something! It's holding something, right?! Or am I just—AAAHHH—"
"Paimon, calm down," I said. My voice wasn't teasing this time. It was firm.
She quieted.
I took a few steps closer, squinting. Yeah... it was definitely gripping something. A dark crystal? A relic? A rock with evil tax forms etched into it? Who knew. But it does possess a dark energy.
Lumine stood frozen, eyes locked onto the statue like she was seeing a ghost.
We stood there for a moment. Just the three of us and that cursed statue. Like being watched by a god turned inside out.
I exhaled sharply.
"Let's move. Now."
And move we did. We made our way toward the exit of the ruin—but of course, because the universe hates us, boom.
Blocked.
Abyss Herald.
Big. Dark. Glowy.
Tall enough to be a basketball center, dressed like a cosplay reject from a goth rave, and looking at us like we just stepped on his LEGO collection.
"Stop," I said, holding my arms out and blocking Lumine and Paimon behind me.
They froze.
I looked over my shoulder, tone dead serious now.
"Calm down. I'll handle this."
Lumine looked like she wanted to argue. Paimon looked like she wanted to hide in my backpack.
"Shin," Lumine muttered. "You sure?"
I didn't answer.
Instead, I reached into my inventory.
My hand grasped the hilt of my sword.
With a single motion, I drew it out—and as the blade came into view, I infused it with swirling Anemo and solid Geo energy. Dual element style, baby. Like a hybrid blender of pain.
The wind picked up. The ground trembled.
I turned my head just enough for them to see my eyes.
"Go," I said.
"But—"
"Now. I'll get some information out of this bastard whether he likes it or not. Go outside. I'll meet you there."
Paimon whimpered. Lumine hesitated.
"GO!"
They ran.
And I turned back to face my glowy, tentacle-faced opponent, gripping my sword with both hands.
"Alright, you oversized birthday candle... Let's dance."
There are two types of people in a fight: those who strategize, analyze, and wait for an opening... and those who scream "YOLO" while launching themselves into battle like a possessed meatball.
Guess which one I am.
The second that emo tentacle goth candle raised his hand, I was already airborne.
"LESSGOOOO!!!" I screamed mid-flight, because subtlety is for people with life insurance.
I drew my sword first—my main partner in crime. A clean, sleek blade that pulsed with both Geo and Anemo energy, forged from the deepest regrets of a blacksmith who accidentally made something too cool.
I twisted in the air, slammed it down toward his shoulder, and watched with manic glee as he parried it just in time.
The floor cracked beneath us.
The Herald hissed. I laughed.
"What, not a fan of surprises?" I smirked. "Hope you're cool with multitasking, 'cause I brought the whole circus."
I spun away, ditching the sword mid-motion—yes, I threw my main weapon like a frisbee. Don't question me—and summoned a claymore from my inventory, Geo-forged metal that hits like a truck and insults your ancestry at the same time.
"New weapon, who dis?" I yelled.
He deflected it with a tendril of dark energy, but I was already vaulting over his head, flipping like an unhinged circus acrobat on a sugar high.
Mid-air, I summoned a Geo bow in one hand and formed an Anemo arrow in the other. Magic? Science? Divine intervention? Who cares. I pulled the string and launched the arrow straight at his face.
He blocked it again. Show-off.
But now he was mad.
Void energy erupted around him like someone just popped his personal bubble of depression. He lunged, blade whirling, dark flames trailing behind each swing. I parried, dodged, and backflipped like a caffeinated squirrel.
"Is that all?" I taunted. "I've seen more threatening attacks from mildly inconvenienced pigeons."
He roared. Like, full-on villain roar. Dramatic echo and everything.
"YOUR EXISTENCE DEFIES ORDER! THE ABYSS IS UNSTOPPABLE!"
And that's when he fully unleashed it—his body started glowing, dark energy swirled violently, and a pressure hit the chamber like the tension during a family dinner argument.
I skidded back, raised a brow, then sighed. "This is why Dain doesn't like you guys."
He froze for a moment. "Dain... Dainsleif?! That man who refused to back down and continues pursuing the Abyss Order?!"
"Yeah. Him. Enough talking—more fighting!"
I lunged again.
Clashed.
Claymore in my right hand, polearm in the left, bow and sword floating behind me like a pissed-off decorative halo. Catalyst spells gathered at my feet. My body pulsed with Anemo and Geo simultaneously, the swirl of wind and rock creating a mini-hurricane of pure dumb energy.
The Abyss Herald narrowed his eyes. "Impossible. No mortal should wield this power."
"Buddy, I'm barely functional as a person, let alone a mortal."
I lunged again.
We moved like a blur—well, mostly me. He was more of a glide. All elegant and dark and mysterious. Meanwhile, I was cartwheeling with two swords and screaming about taxes.
Claymore down. Polearm twist. Kick to the face. Bow shot. Catalyst burst. Repeat.
The Herald took every hit and gave them back, but I could feel him slowing.
One of my Geo walls crushed his shoulder. My Anemo blast flung him into the ceiling. We both landed hits, but I hit harder. I fought dirtier.
And I never shut up.
"What's wrong? Out of monologues already? I was promised villainous exposition!"
He grunted, fell to one knee.
"You... You should not exist."
"Yeah, my parents said the same thing."
Finally, after what felt like a hundred years and two herniated discs, the Abyss Herald collapsed onto both knees, dark mist leaking from his body like a deflating goth balloon.
I walked up slowly, cracked my knuckles, and grinned.
"Aight. Time to get some juicy lore info from you, you numbskull..."
_______________________________
End of Chapter 34
Quests Completed:
*Investigate Treasure Hoarder Heist (ft. Abyss Ruins)
*Discover the Upside-Down Statue of Barbatos
*Survive Abyss Herald Ambush
*Secure Abyss Lore Clue
*Flex an entire armory mid-fight
Rewards:
*Weapon Wheel Mastery (Passive Trait)
*Lore Fragment: Abyss Fears Dainsleif
*Paimon's Bribery Bento x3
*15,000 Mora
Achievement Unlocked:
"Did You Just Throw a Claymore?!"
-Successfully threw a greatsword mid-battle like it was a boomerang... and it worked. Physics left the chat.
"Main Character Energy"
-Finish a boss fight standing while talking smack and cracking your knuckles. Iconic.