You know, holding Lumine's hand felt kind of nice. Not that I'd ever admit that out loud. I mean, I'm Shigeru. I don't do cheesy romance. -Okay, maybe I do, but only if it's on Tuesdays or after near-death experiences.
Anyway, there I was, still holding her hand like some dork in a drama series, when Paimon floated up with that ever-so-suspicious squint of hers.
"Hey! How long are you planning to hold her hand?! Paimon's starting to think you're really suspicious now!"
I grinned and raised our clasped hands like I'd just won the lottery.
"This, dear floating emergency ration, is the proof of our unbreakable bond. You should understand that, having hovered over us like a judgmental balloon since day one."
Paimon puffed up like an angry marshmallow. Lumine just rolled her eyes but didn't pull her hand back, so I consider that a W in my book.
"Well, anyway," I said, hopping onto a random fallen tree that appeared there purely for dramatic narrative convenience, "since Blond Emo Knight Deluxe left us again, I thought I'd share something important."
Why was the tree there? I dunno. Maybe Teyvat spawned it because it heard I was about to drop emotional exposition.
I crossed my arms and sighed.
"Guys… we've got problems. Big ones. Like, world-ending, therapy-needing, 'why-did-I-sign-up-for-this' levels of problems."
Paimon blinked. "Aren't we already doing that?!"
"Yes, but we're only halfway through the menu of national catastrophes. A while ago, we did beat a giant dragon god with a mood disorder in Liyue. But before that, we tamed the Tsundragon of Freedom here in Mondstadt."
Lumine nodded thoughtfully. She seemed calm. Too calm. I knew she was remembering every boss fight we've suffered through like mental war flashbacks.
"But coming up next on the pain parade," I said, ticking off on my fingers, "we got: Osial's pissed-off wife, the actual god of eternal depression—Miss Raiden Shogun herself, a very annoying puppet boy named Scaramouche who's got more issues than a Hilichurl with abandonment trauma, and then there's…"
I paused. My brain hurt just from thinking about it.
"…That Narwhal thing in Fontaine. And don't get me started on whatever the hell is going on in Natlan. I've heard rumors. Rumors involving dragons. And lava. And possibly interpretive fire dancing. I'm not emotionally equipped for this."
I slumped forward dramatically, hugging my knees on the tree log. "We're gonna die."
Paimon hovered close. "Don't be so dramatic—wait no, you *are* dramatic. But still!"
I glanced at them—Lumine, Paimon. My team. My trauma support group.
"We gotta prepare. Like, seriously. Or we'll be the next dish served at a Fatui banquet. And not even on a silver platter, mind you—more like reheated leftovers in a Tupperware."
And then, I did something incredibly powerful.
I reached into my pocket… and pulled out my phone.
Yes, I have the phone with suspicious Nilou folder. I don't know how it still works in Teyvat. I stopped asking questions around the time slimes started dropping artifacts.
I tapped the screen.
"AR 44, baby. That's right. Adventure Rank forty-freakin'-four."
Paimon gasped. "EHHHH?! That's so fast! We were like AR 20 not too long ago!"
"What can I say? We've been grinding. Like a psychopath. Side quests. Commissions. Ley Lines. I even killed the Cryo Regisvine with a wet stick once."
Lumine gave me a concerned look, which was fair. I haven't slept properly since AR 35.
I grinned. "We're reaching Sumeru-levels of readiness early. Which means we're either geniuses… or about to die tragically."
I stood, placed one foot dramatically on the tree, and pointed into the distance.
"Let's level up. Let's get stronger. Because I refuse to let us get clobbered by some overgrown narwhal or budget Archon with a complex."
Lumine smiled a little. Paimon groaned.
"Does this mean more grinding…?"
"Yes."
She groaned louder. "I miss the days when we could just pick flowers."
I nodded solemnly. "So do I, Paimon. So do I."
But deep down, I knew this was just the calm before the storm. Before the Archon Quests got even crazier. Before I had to face him... The smug, hat-wearing, lightning-wielding gremlin of Sumeru and his mother in Inazuma. Geez. What a pain in the ass family.
And I swear… I'm going to kick his smug little boots off.
But first—time to cook 99 sweet madames and pretend I have my life together.
***
So, after that intense monologue about trauma, impending death, and getting served up like a cold dish to a bunch of oversized bosses from hell, I was kinda just... staring at my phone. You know, like a guy going through an existential crisis but disguising it as a gamer checking his AR.
Paimon was busy floating around like she owned the place, and Lumine? She was still holding my hand. I wanted to say something smooth like, "Oh wow, I must be dreaming," but instead I just kind of grinned like an idiot. Peak romance, right there. Shakespeare would cry.
P.S. Don't worry, Nilou. You're still my number one, she and I are just friends. I'll use this defense on Fontaine court.
But before I could attempt a Shakespearean sonnet with all the elegance of a wet sock, Paimon squinted at me and asked, "So how do we even get stronger now, huh? Just level up again? More AR? Side quests?" She crossed her arms, clearly unimpressed. "That sounds like a pain in the butt."
"Aha!" I pointed a dramatic finger to the sky like I had discovered the secret of immortality. "Exactly. A pain in the butt. Therefore, we must not go the painful route."
Lumine blinked. Paimon blinked. I blinked back. Very profound moment.
"Then how?" Paimon repeated, narrowing her eyes.
I smirked. No, I GRINNED. You know that evil anime villain grin where the screen goes all red and dark behind them? That was me.
"AR 44... Just one more. ONE. MORE. Then it's time. It's finally time for..."
I paused. Dramatic tension is important.
"ARTIFACT. FARMING."
Paimon let out a shriek that sounded like someone just stepped on a duck. "NOOOO! Not that hell again!!"
"YESSSSS!" I howled, eyes sparkling like I was about to summon the power of the seven gods.
So how did we speedrun from AR 44 to AR 45? Simple. We turned into total menaces to society.
First off, we beat the absolute daylights out of some random Hilichurls just vibing on a cliff. Like, they were literally cooking something in their pot—probably soup—and I just stormed in with Lumine and was like, "Dinner's cancelled."
WHACK!
Then we found a group of Treasure Hoarders just chilling by the beach. You know what we did? Yup. We ran straight at them. No hesitation.
"GIVE ME YOUR EXP AND NO ONE GETS HURT!" I screamed like a man possessed. And then I proceeded to commit aggravated farming.
Paimon was floating beside me, flailing her arms. "Shin, that's illegal!"
"So is having bad artifacts!" I shouted back as I hurled another sword slash.
We attacked bosses like we had a personal vendetta. And to be honest? I did. The Pyro Regisvine? That thing owes me a week of my life in failed resin runs. Andrius? Bro acts like he's giving a test I didn't study for. The Oceanid? Don't even get me started. I fought that water pigeon so many times, I started dreaming about ducks drowning me in my sleep.
Finally, after what felt like eighty seven thousand years (which is just 4 days) and enough commissions to qualify me for the Mondstadt civil service exam—
DING. AR 45.
I felt like I just ascended to heaven. Cue the choir, light from the sky, and possibly a random Dainsleif flashback just to ruin the mood.
I turned to Lumine and Paimon like I had just solved world hunger.
"We're here. We're finally here. AR 45."
"Yay...?" Paimon clapped slowly, but her eyes were filled with dread. She knew what came next.
I grinned so hard my cheeks hurt.
"To the Domain of Noblesse."
Lumine tilted her head. "Wait, why Noblesse? Isn't that mostly for supports?"
"Because Inazuma's not unlocked yet and we don't have EOSF or Shimenawa, duh."
Paimon gasped. "So you're saying we're gonna farm Noblesse until we cry blood?"
"Exactly."
She groaned, floating downward. "You're a monster."
"Thank you."
And so our suffering began. I mean journey. I mean suffering.
Domain of Noblesse. Also known as the Pit of Despair. The Resin Graveyard. The Land of HP% Goblets and Def% Circlets.
We walked in with our heads held high.
We walked out with gray hair and existential dread.
You know what I got on the first run? A DEF Goblet.
Second run? Another DEF Goblet.
Third run? You guessed it. A third DEF Goblet.
Lumine stared at me like I was cursed. Paimon was sobbing in the corner, whispering something about how we should've just done Ley Lines.
Lumine placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. "Shigeru, I think you might be cursed."
I stared into the abyss. "No. I was born cursed."
We burned through Resin like I burn through brain cells during every boss fight. And every time we thought, This is it. This is the god roll piece we've been waiting for, the stats looked like this:
HP DEF Flat HP Energy Recharge
Paimon groaned. "This domain is laughing at us."
"This domain is committing war crimes," I muttered darkly.
Lumine stayed oddly calm. "Let's try one more."
I nodded solemnly. "One more."
After an entire day of grinding, we finally—FINALLY—got a semi-decent artifact. I mean, it only had one DEF roll. That's a win in my book.
I clutched that artifact like it was my firstborn child.
"I shall name you... Hope."
Lumine sighed. "Please don't name your artifacts."
"Too late," Paimon said, floating beside her. "He's already crying."
I sniffled dramatically. "I'm just so proud..."
And that's how we hit AR 45, entered the farming world, and lost the last remaining pieces of our sanity.
Next up? We either continue the Archon quest… or we throw ourselves back into this flaming pit of DEF% despair.
...Yeah we're totally going back in.
Day two of artifact farming.
I think I forgot what sunlight looks like. I hear birds chirping outside the domain, and all I feel is resentment. Who gave them the right to be free?
We've now entered the phase known scientifically as: Artifact Stockholm Syndrome. It's where you start gaslighting yourself into thinking a Goblet with DEF and HP is usable if it also has Crit Rate.
Spoiler: it's not.
But I tried. Oh Archons, I tried.
"Shigeru," Lumine said gently, holding out a flower artifact with one Crit stat. "This one's not terrible."
I looked her in the eyes, completely dead inside. "Lumine. It has Flat Attack. Twice."
Paimon was now lying face-down on the grass, arms outstretched like she just got sniped by a Fatui Agent. "Why... why do we suffer... just to suffer?"
"It builds character," I told her.
"It builds trauma!" she screamed back.
Then it happened. Our tenth run of the day. I opened the reward screen, heart pounding, eyes wide, praying to every god known to Teyvat.
It was...
A Crit Damage Circlet.
I screamed. Paimon screamed. Lumine, I think, actually smiled.
But then—I hovered over the substats.
DEF. Flat HP. Energy Recharge. Flat Attack.
You know that moment in anime where the MC drops to their knees in the rain? Yeah, that was me. Except the rain was my tears and the dramatic lightning was just Paimon yelling, "THE DOMAIN TROLLED YOU AGAIN!"
I whispered, "It's okay. Maybe the rolls will save it. Maybe—"
All rolls went into Flat Def.
I don't remember what happened next. I think I blacked out. Lumine says I started laughing like a maniac and tried to feed the artifact to a boar.
"You said something about sacrificing it to the gods in hopes of critting in real life," she told me.
Honestly? Valid.
Later that evening, we sat by a fire just outside the domain. Paimon was roasting a fish. Lumine was sharpening her sword.
And I was holding my phone up to the sky like Simba in The Lion King.
"Nilou... if you're listening... I need emotional support. Send me a 5-star with four Crit rolls. I promise I'll be faithful."
Paimon stared at me. "Did you just pray to whoever Nilou is like she's an Archon?"
"Yes," I said, very seriously. "And if this works, I'm starting the Church of the Crimson Lotus."
Spoiler: it didn't work.
I got another HP% Sands and a slap to the face from the universe.
Lumine patted my head. "At least you're persistent."
"That's what they'll write on my tombstone."
So yeah. AR 45. The big leagues. The "welcome to hell, here's your DEF Goblet" league. The place where your dreams go to die, and your sanity packs up and leaves after run number eight.
But hey...
At least we're doing it together.
Even if we cry.
Even if we suffer.
Even if I lose every ounce of my soul—
Paimon: "We're still not getting good artifacts."
Me: "I was trying to make it poetic, Paimon!"
Lumine: "Let him have this moment."
And so, with cracked voices and broken wallets, we prepared for another day of Noblesse farming.
Because deep down, we believed...
One day. Just one day.
We'd get that perfect artifact.
Or die trying.
Whichever came first.
____________________________
End of Chapter 33
Quest Completed:
*Beat Up Random Hilichurls for No Reason
*Ambush Treasure Hoarders Because Why Not
*Trauma Speedrun Any World Boss Nearby
*Achieve AR 45 Without Losing (Too Much) Sanity
*Enter the Domain of Noblesse (and question your life choices)
*Obtain One (1) Semi-Decent Artifact and Name It "Hope"
Rewards:
*Adventure Rank Increased to 45
*-27 Brain Cells
*99% Trash Artifacts (mostly DEF Goblets)
*A Glimmer of Hope (literally, one usable piece)
*1x Named Artifact: "Hope"
*+999 Emotional Damage
* 3x Ruined Hilichurl Soup Pots