Most people hated Mondays. I didn't mind them too much.
I took my seat towards the front of the class and looked over my shoulder. His seat felt so far away from mine, even though it was only a dozen steps away. I wondered if he'd gotten used to this sort of distance.
I gazed out of the window to distract myself from such thoughts. With the bell about to ring, the playground was mostly void of students, with only a few sports club members running to make it to homeroom on time.
This Monday wasn't like any other day, because it was the 30th of October; a day before my birthday.
Perhaps because of the pain in my heart, I had forgotten about my birthday this year. It only occured to me that morning as I was staring at the wall calender at home.
I, Natsukawa Aika, am not an avid reader. But I would say I love reading more than the average person. And I'm not talking about reading picture books to Airi. I mean reading in the general sense; self-help book, fiction, non-fiction, you name it. I think it's a habit I picked up back in middle-school, when I spent most of my time alone.
Back then, my life was pretty much occupied by studying, taking care of Airi, and doing chores. Mom had to work extra hours, and Dad was busy trying to get back on track after his failed career transition. So they both got back home late at night. I got lonely after I put Airi to sleep and finished all that I had to do for the day, so I used to spend time reading before bed.
I once read that there are five stages of grief. I couldn't remember the first four, but the last one is 'Acceptance'—when the wounds heal, and the person adjusts to the changes that caused them pain.
I didn't know which stage I was in at that moment. But I knew for a fact that 'acceptance' was very very far away.
I'd resolved myself to not talk to Sajou anymore. But everytime I saw him, my wounds would open up again. It felt impossible for me to get used to the new distance I'd put between us. The distance I felt he needed. The distance that was my punishment for having unintentionally messed with his emotions for so long.
This is the right thing to do, right? He's already started moving on. It would be way too cruel to force him to look at me again now.
I hoped he would find someone special who'd instantly value how reliable and caring he is. Unlike me, who took years to see the truth.
I am aware that my context played a role in me rejecting him so many times... but that's my problem, not Sajou's, so I couldn't use it as an excuse. If this is the hand I was dealt in life, then so be it. I was not about to selfishly place my happiness over his.
Those thoughts went through my mind throughout the first half of the day.
When lunch break arrived, I took my lunch box out then turned to my right, expecting to see Kei walking towards my desk. To my surprise, however, I saw her rushing out of the classroom. I thought that she wanted to use the bathroom, but then I saw Sajou walking a few paces ahead of her...
Half of the break had passed before my best friend finally came back.
"!"
She was walking right next to Sajou. Seeing them like that made my heart hurt, and part of me envied her for being able to talk to him so naturally. But I put those feelings aside and smiled at my friend as she headed my way.
"Kei, where did you go?" I asked her.
"Oh I was on a mission with General Saj- uh I mean with Sajocchi, hehe" She grinned sheepishly.
Mission? I had no idea what she meant. But I didn't want to press her for any details, so we chatted about other things while we ate. Kei also threw multiple hints at me that she knew of my birthday the following day. It wasn't like her to be indirect about something to celebrate, but it might be that she was only being considerate.
If our classmates find out, they may want to throw me a party. I am not in the right mental state for that at all.
Besides, this wasn't out of the norm for me. The last time I celebrated my birthday with classmates was in elementary school, before my family faced financial hardship. That's without counting Sajou-kun, of course. He stuck to me even more than usual on my birthdays.
As memories of those times fludded my mind, I felt a wistful smile form on my lips.
*
After lunch ended, we started getting ready for our Physical Education class. With the sports festival coming up, we were using the two PE classes we had per week for practice. Seeing as the fields were used by our seniors, us first years could only use the gym.
Our class has been practicing regularly over the past few weeks, so there was some improvements for both boys and girls. Today, the latter were playing half-court soccer, the former volleyball.
Half way through the period, I decided to step off the court for a bit to catch my breath. As I leaned against the wall of the gymnasium, my eyes scanned the other half of the hall where the boys were practicing their penalty kicks. The goal post was the foldable type, so it wasn't too sturdy. But it was the exact size of a normal goal post.
Unconsciously, my eyes found their target. Sajou Wataru was sitting out again today due to his injured hand. He seemed really down because of it. Looking at him like this, I hoped his injury would heal before the sports festival so he could have some fun like the rest of us.
Suddenly, a face slid into my line of sight.
"Oh!"
It was a girl with straight black hair, wearing glasses. Iihoshi-san, our Class Rep.
"Did I startle you?" She asked
"Um, no. I was just spacing out"
"Spacing out, huh?" She turned her head in the direction I was looking earlier. "Not to intrude but... Is everything okay? You've been down recently."
I didn't know Iihoshi-san much, but based on what I did know, it was very much like her to check in on her classmates. She was the Class Rep after all.
"Um, I'm okay. Thank you for asking"
"Hmmm. If you say so. Let me know if you wanna talk, okay?"
I appreciated her words, but at the same time I felt really bad. I've been trying to behave as normal as possible. But with the abscence of Sajou, a big part of my life suddenly changed. It was like a gap had opened up inside of me. As such, I didn't know what 'behaving normally' even meant anymore.
Telling Iihoshi-san that it was my turn to switch in, I trotted over to the volleyball net. We were practicing our spikes and receives, switching in and out every few minutes. It was my turn to receive, so I crossed over to the other side of the net and got in form, with my hands clasped together in front of me. Satou-san, who stood on the opposite side, was holding a ball, ready to spike. Kei was standing next to her, giving her some pointers.
Satou-san threw the ball up in the air with one hand and slammed it down with the other. Her spike wasn't as powerful as Kei's but it was a good one nonetheless. I shifted my body weight to the left, where the ball was headed, then leaned in a bit.
"!"
The ball bounced off of my hands. However, I'd miscalculated its trajectory, so it ended up flying off behind me instead of up in the air. This wouldn't have been a problem in an actual match, as long as there was someone in the rear to set it up again.
I jogged after the ball, which bounced a few times before coming to a halt in front of someone in the boy's section of the gym.
"Oh, thank y-" I looked up, only to see...
"Uh, here you go" said Sajou.
"Um, thank you" I said as he handed the ball over to me.
"You're welcome"
This was the second or third interaction Sajou-kun and I have had in the past 10 days. We'd only exchanged a few words, but they were enough to make me feel warm inside. Part of me wanted to keep on talking to him. To ask him the million questions that were on my mind. But instead, I turned around and did what I always find myself doing when faced with complicated feelings.
I ran away.
*
"I'm home" I called out as I was changing into my slippers. School had ended without further incidents.
I saw Mom in the kitchen, preparing dinner. Airi was sitting at the table, eating some store-bought pudding. When she saw me, she stood up and ran over to me, wrapping her small hands around my lower back. That was as high up as she could reach.
"Welcome home sweatie" said Mom, beaming at me.
"Happy birthday One-san!" Airi said, looking up at me while still hugging my legs.
"Thank you Airi, but my birthday is tomorrow" I leaned over and carried her up so that she was now hugging my neck.
"I will say it tomorrow too!"
Yep. As adorable as always.
"What would you like to do tomorrow Aika? I was thinking we'd celebrate as a family over dinner. Unless you have any other plans?"
I knew what she was asking me. She wanted to check if I planned on inviting any friends over. That's not something I did back in Middle School, but Mom likely realized that my social life had improved in high school. After all, I had invited classmates over to play with Airi before.
"No, that sounds good to me" I smiled at her. I hadn't planned on inviting anyone. I thought Kei would wish me a happy birthday when I saw her in the morning, then we'd hang out during lunch, or she might come over to my house after school. That was about all I had in terms of plans. It was going to be a normal uneventful day. Just like all my birthdays throughtout Middle School.
However, there was going to be one major difference this year. Unlike my past few birthdays, he wasn't going to be with me this time around.
"..."
That realization hurt more than anything I'd ever felt before.