"Hey Natsukawa-san, when can we see Airi again?"
It was Satou-san who asked me this question. As had become the norm for my classmates, they surrounded my desk as soon as lunch break began. At her question, the other girls joined in on the discussion, saying that they also wanted to see Airi again.
"Today isn't suitable, but I'll let you know as soon as it's a good time" I answered them with a gentle smile. I appreciated that they wanted to play with her, but I also didn't want to overwhelm Airi, and I wanted to be selective about who got close to her. She was my number one priority.
They then asked me to show them more photos of my little sister, which I did so hesitantly. I wasn't sure why, but I always felt reluctant to show Airi off to others. Call it a big sister's needless concern.
Just before the end of lunch, Kei asked to talk to me in private. I was a little curious so I hurriedly followed her out into the hallway.
"Over here Aichi!" she motioned me over to an isolated spot below the stairs. Seeing as she chose a spot where no one would be able to overhear us, I figured that it must be something important.
I followed her there and gave her a questioning look once we were facing each other.
"Aichi, can you go to the building's roof after school? I have a surprise for you!" She said excitedly.
"After school? Yeah, sounds good!" I agreed, as I had no reason to say no.
"Also, I've got something to tell you. But... well... I'm not sure how to put this..." She mumbled.
"What is it...?" I asked Kei. What she was about to say was likely the reason she brought me out here.
She started with a disclaimer, "I wasn't going to tell you, but then I thought that maybe I should. You know, just in case you still haven't given up yet, which I don't think you should by the way"
Huh?
I had no clue what she was talking about. Given up? On what? She said ALL of that in a single breath, giving me no time to ask any questions.
"I don't understand. Just out with it!" I pressed her, getting impatient.
Kei took a deep breath and looked at me with serious eyes. She then uttered a sentence that left me breathless with dread. A sentence that confirmed the doubts that I'd been having.
"I think Sajocchi might be dating someone"
Moments past, but her words lingered in the air. They echoed in my mind, giving way to despair.
After I saw Sajou with Shinonome, I had expected something like this to happen. But... hearing those words made it real. Over the past 10 days, I'd moved further and further away from Sajou, but I could still get closer to him if I'd wanted to. Those words cut off my route of retreat back to my original spot by his side, making the distance between us... permanent.
I felt something break inside of me. Despair and emptiness mixed, giving rise to pain and hopelessness which filled my heart and threatened to rupture it.
"Oh... I- I see." I said, voice cracking. "I... need to use the restroom"
I turned around and ran to find somewhere I could be alone.
*
"I can't believe I'm skipping my classes..." I said as I lay on a bed in the infirmary. I'd already messaged Kei to let her know where I was, so as to not worry anyone.
After my chat with Kei, I locked myself up in the restrooms. Thankfully, lunch had ended by then, so no one heard me crying. At some point though, I got lightheaded from exhaustion and went to the infirmary.
The nurse gave me a concerned look when she saw my red eyes. She asked if I was okay, to which I answered yes, aside from the lightheadedness.
I lay in bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. Why? Why did it have to turn out like this? Sorrow filled my chest, as images of Sajou with Shinonome-san popped up unbidden in my head.
I checked my wrist watch. It was just shy of 3pm, meaning that the final bell was about to ring, signaling the end of the day.
I sent Kei a message asking to bring my bag with her to the roof. I hadn't returned to class since lunch time, so my it was still at my desk.
Naturally, the hallways were always busy right after school, as student made their way to the shoes lockers, or to their respective club rooms. As such, I wanted to wait at the infirmary until the crowd thinned out so I could avoid anyone seeing me like this.
Hmm, but some of my classmates might stop by to check in on me.
With that thought in mind, and a few minutes left for the bell, I got up and left for the restroom.
*
I stayed inside of an empty stall for about 15 minutes, before finally deciding that it was quiet enough to leave. I checked my phone to see if I'd received any message from Kei. I was running late for our meet up after all. However, there were none.
I slowly opened the door to the hallway and peaked left and right. The coast was clear. My nose was still a little stuffy from all the crying that I did, so surely my eyes were also still somewhat red. That's why I didn't want to run into any students. Or at least any students from my class.
When I reached the staircase leading up to the roof, something occured to me. Wouldn't the door to the roof be locked? It was inaccessible for students without permission from the teachers, or at least the Student Council.
Although curious, I still took the stairs one step at a time, as my body felt rather weak. To my surprise, the door was unlocked, so I stepped out into the cool winter breeze.
Kei was no where to be seen.
I checked my phone again, thinking that she may have sent me a message, but there were no LINE notifications. I started wondering if she saw through me and felt bad that she made me skip classes. She was the one who broke the news of Sajou's relationship to me after all.
Before I could follow that line of thought, however, I heard footsteps coming up the stairs behind me.
"!"
The person that stepped out onto the roof was not Kei.
It was the person that I wanted to see the least and the most, simultaneously.
I locked eyes with Sajou, unsure of what to say or do. If the winter clouds weren't moving slowly in the distant skies, I would've thought that time itself had stopped flowing.
"Hey" he said casually.
I tried returning his greeting, but the words got stuck in my throat.
"Hello" I finally managed to croak.
He then turned around and... closed the door to the roof?!
"I want to talk to yo- no scratch that." He shook his head left and right before continuing, "I want you to talk to me about something"
I turned my head to look down at my feet, avoiding his gaze and remaining silent. I obviously knew what he wanted to talk about, but I couldn't look at him, let alone hold a proper conversation. How did he know that I was here? Where was Kei anyway?
"So... we haven't spoken properly since... you know... back then. There are a million things I want to tell you" He continued.
I'm the one who has a million things to ask you. If only I could. I thought to myself wistfully.
Then, as if reading my thoughts, he added, "But I want to hear you out first. Please just tell me one thing, Natsukawa..."
Somewhere in the middle of his long request, I had looked up at Sajou without realizing it. His expression looked... wistful. As if he was trying to reach out to something, but failing to grab it at the last moment. It was only natural that he'd be feeling lost after I'd suddenly distanced myself from him.
Any kind of relationship, whether between friends, family or lovers, needed two-way communication. I'd trampled over that rule and decided to put distance between us without ever telling him anything. Upon realizing that fact, I felt a pain in my chest different than the one I've been feeling over the past few days. I was saddened to see Sajou looking down like that. I couldn't bear it.
"What is your wish?"
My wish, huh?
My wish was a selfish one. I couldn't voice it out. What Kei had told me during lunch, about Sajou and who I assumed to be Shinonome-san, was the final nail in the coffin of my feelings. It was now time to lower them into the ground and bury them forever.
I looked up at the sky to our left. The sun had already begun to set, its fiery orange nectar bleeding slowly into the horizon. Looking at this sight, I whispered a series of prayers.
Please, help me say it. Help me say what I've already decided on, for his sake.
I closed my eyes, resolving myself for what I was about to do. I felt a hot lump in my throat, and tears threatening to flow. Yet in spite of that, I bottled it all up and continued my prayer.
Please, allow me to put to rest the feelings that torture me from within. The feelings which only blossomed after it was too late.
Eyes still closed, I took a deep breath. The air was cold, but it did nothing to cool down my anguish.
Please, let me bring this relationship to its proper end.
I opened my eyes and gazed with longing at the boy in front of me. Despite my resolve, I couldn't help adding one final, selfish prayer.
But please... don't let it end.
With my prayers complete, I let the words slip from my lips — words I thought I would forever regret.
"I'm happy with the current distance between us. My wish is for things to stay as they are now."