I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by.
Most people hate it, but I'm a fan.
———
Anyway, the Alien died.
I had just formed an alliance with him, and boom—gone. By my own hands. Or technically, my nose.
Alliance? More like a second hand appliance.
But fuck the alliance, that black thing was my fan. My first fan, if you don't count my grandma.
Still… that damn Alien. His antennas tingled me in all the right places. Like a forbidden kink I didn't know I had.
I stepped back from the green gooey mess that looked like Hulk's load.
"Well, my lord. Your peace is in pieces right now," Erect said.
"It's not technically in pieces. You just wanted to wordplay here."
"Yes."
At least he's honest. Like a serial killer with Yelp reviews.
But I just killed my fan. What now? Start a podcast?
"My lord! My lord! My lord!"
Someone was screaming my name outside the castle like I was a boyband member and he just saw me licking an ice-cream too diligently. I would have figured it was Beater but the shouting seemed like a proper shout not a moan.
"See what's up, Erect," I delegated. I wanted to mourn the death of my fan for a minute. I have very few fans anyway. Gotta cherish them even if it's just one.
Erect went over to the window of the room and looked down.
"What is it?" he asked.
"Call the Lord! These Aliens are not normal! We are losing! They're destroying everything!"
That's too many exclamation marks, bro. Either he's panicking or texting like my Earth grandma on WhatsApp. Well, I'll just mourn my fan's death for ten seconds then.
"Why is that? Can't you all fight? Nearly all the Heroes of all the continents are present here." Erect said.
"Shut the fuck up and call the Lord."
Wow. This shouting hero is lit and serious too.
Alas, my fan, I can't mourn you anymore. RIP, Alien Stan. I'll miss your moist loyalty. This world needs me.
I strolled to the window and nudged Erect aside with the grace of a man about to witness another man's mental breakdown.
It was time for the Hero King to handle the matter.
I looked down the window with a serene smile and saw the shouting person..
"What's the prob—Who the hell are you?"
The shouting man was half-naked. No eyebrows, just boxers, and enough body hair to host a bee convention.
He was bald, fat, and shiny like a rotisserie chicken with PTSD of his wife's eggs being sold by Humans.
"I'm a Hero, my lord!" he yelled.
"No way. If you're a Hero, then Sydney Sweeney has real tits."
"I don't know who that is. But I am really a Hero. My name is Cock Bang. Remember?"
Ah. Cock Bang.
I will call him Bang. For reasons that don't need explaining in front of the children.
"Yeah, I remember. You looked less like a discount potato last time."
"It's the Aliens. They're not just Awakened—they're worse. They made me like this! You have to come down!"
Sigh. New alien variants? Someone out there's clearly got too much free time to create all this.
"Let's go, Erect. Let's see the new freaks in town."
I yeeted myself out the window like a suicidal pigeon. The height was considerably high but I jumped without any fear because I'll be safe. I am strong after all.
Erect jumped after me.
"Wait. My lord! Don't jump on me!" Bang shouted.
Aw damn. Trajectory miscalculated.
I was going to land on him.
He's gonna die. Or maybe I'll bounce off that marshmallow belly. Could be fun. Could be manslaughter.
Wait—my stats are ON. I am a superhuman right now.
I'm worried.
Just kidding.
"Move, Bang!" I yelled—
SPLACK!
Too late.
I was safe.
Bang was... mashed.
Anyway…
….
What? You thought I cared? Bro. I could've flown out the window like a majestic bat with daddy issues, but I chose violence.
Cold MCs are ruling the bestseller section right now. Gotta stay relevant.
And let's be honest—Cock Bang? That man was never making it past Chapter 20. Unless someone was into necrophilia.
Erect landed beside me, glanced at the blood splatter that looked like a toddler's first finger painting.
"You killed Cock Bang, my lord… Anyway, let's focus on the main thing."
See? Even Erect doesn't care about Cock.
Let that sentence haunt your soul.
Enough chit-chat. Let's meet the new freaks.
My castle sat snug inside a giant, circular wall—like a medieval condom. To see the action outside, we leapt over it like edgy kangaroos with deep pockets.
BOOM!
THRAM!
"HAHAHA!"
Explosions, cries, and fire was happening all around.
Heroes were fighting like underpaid stuntmen on meth, and civilians were doing their daily cardio—running in circles, setting new world records in panic.
Houses were burning, shops were breaking, and two women were dry-humping in the alley.
Wait—Oh. It's legal here as well. Carry on, queens.
But the Aliens I saw? Meh. No antennas. Wearing sneakers. Looked like background NPCs at a rave.
Not new at all.
Where are the new types of Aliens? Usually they would be shouting like..
"I AM A NEW ALIEN!"
Yeah. Exactly like that.
Wait…
"My lord! Something's coming from the sky! Towards you!" Erect yelled.
I looked up.
Black wings. Abyssal skin. Some weird demon-bird hybrid divebombing me like a pissed-off crow with gym gains.
"Move aside. Deal with the basic bitches. I'll handle the main course," I ordered.
Erect obeyed, probably glad he didn't have to fight something that looks like it listens to emo music and collects human teeth.
BAAM!
It landed.
New Alien unlocked.
He looked almost like the Awakened: Antennas, sneakers…
But he wore a black leather jacket.
Goddamn.
Not the jacket.
I got flashbacks of that Biker's Sanctuary club.
"Aren't you hot..."
"Hehe. Thanks."
"... Wearing that under this sunny day?"
"You were asking that? Finish your full sentence in one go. That was embarrassing."
"It's your fault for speaking before I finish. And who would call you hot? If you ever get a fever, doctors will quit their jobs to avoid calling you hot."
The Alien stared at me, blinking. Like a frog who just realized he enrolled in engineering college.
Did I roast too hard? Probably. But he still ain't hot. Not even lukewarm soup hot.
But why am I calling every Alien "he"? Could be "she."? Or the females are cooking at home like they should?
Do they even have genders? Do they reproduce or just download each other from intergalactic torrents?
I'll ask Erect later. He seems like the kind of guy who knows about alien genitalia. Not judging. Just saying.
"What are you staring at?" I asked.
The Alien tilted his head like a confused dog who just heard the phrase "sex positions"
"It's just… I know you insulted me, but… that was funny."
Holy mother of betrayal.
Another. Freakin'. Fan.
The Aliens like my talent, but the humanoid people just want me to go to war, pay taxes, and say "good morning" with a straight face.
Who are the real enemies here?
Bang said this was a new Alien, but this guy's exactly like the one I sneezed to death.
The only difference? This one's wearing a leather jacket like he's in an alien boyband called Cosmic AIDS.
"But I have to kill you. My lord ordered it. Anyone I see, I kill."
The Alien outstretched his scythe-hands like the statue of liberty if it worked part-time at a butcher shop.
Huh. No physical attack?
The Alien's scythes began glowing red like a hooker's "open" sign.
Ah. There it is.
Then he shot a laser beam at me, and I finally understood what made this breed "new."
These Aliens now have superpowers.
Congratulations. They've unlocked DLC content.
Too bad I'm still pay-to-win.
The beam hit my chest, fizzled like a cheap soda, and died faster than my will to live on Monday mornings.
The Alien's eyes widened. Though, to be honest, his default expression already looked like he saw his parents in a sex tape.
"How…? Are you… the Hero King? Racis? The one who killed one of us?!"
"Yep." I said, like a kid admitting he peed in the pool.
The Alien trembled. His body shook with rage. And possibly lactose intolerance.
"I will kill you!"
I threw my hands up.
"Wait. Wait. I want no war. I want peace. I only killed one of you by mistake. I had no intention of killing Aliens. I want this war between us to end. Calm down and listen to me."
The Alien paused.
"I will listen… because you said you killed only one. If it were two, I'd have murdered you on sight."
Ah.
He's the type who forgives mass manslaughter up to a two-body limit. Great.
Too bad I did kill two. But hey—both were accidents! One by sneezing, one by a push.
Good thing Supreme Man didn't notify anyone—
[{Ding}]
I hate this life.
[{ Racis T, the current Hero King, killed one more Awakened Alien just a few moments ago! }]
I stared at the sky like it just dropped a mixtape I didn't ask for.
I glanced at the Alien. He glanced back.
Please, oh please, let this be the end of it—
[{ That's Not All, Everyone! }]
I need a restraining order from this sky.
[{ After killing the second Awakened Alien, Racis T, the Hero King, laughed and declared that he will kill all the Aliens and sexually assault their King! }]
[{ Racis T will bring peace! Racis T will bring peace by the power of horny! }]
[{ That's All. }]
…
Silence.
The Alien stared at me like I just confessed to eating babies.
I stared at nothing, reevaluating life.
"So…" the Alien said.
My hands were still raised, like I was being held at gunpoint by karma.
"I can explain," I whispered.
"So you…"
"Listen—I will not sexually assault yo—"
STEP.
He took a step toward me.
His aura screamed I don't believe a single thing you say and I'm gonna carve your intestines into balloon animals.
I stopped talking.
He stopped walking.
And leaned in…
"So you do find Aliens hot."
…
HELL.
NAW.
And what the hell is wrong with this Supreme Man and his fanfic-tier announcements?!