When Erect's sister told me she was fourteen, I called myself Grake.
Why? You already know why.
This whole situation reminded me of a joke:
I went to the pub with my girlfriend and everyone was calling me a pedo because she is 21 and I'm 65. It totally ruined our tenth anniversary.
But my fake-ass name won't survive for long.
Because Erect was standing there like a snitching gargoyle.
"Grake, my lord? I thought your name was Racis," said the Hero.
Then his sister joined in with, "I think the Supreme Man notified his name as Rapis."
Rapis.
Thank the supreme spaghetti god my grandma chose Racis.
If she had named me Rapis... bro. That would've been Rapis T.
Anyway, time to fess up before I accidentally commit intergalactic felonies.
"My name is Racis T. I am the Hero King. Nice to meet you," I declared with the dignity of a man whose soul just farted.
"Why are you telling me that, my lord?" Erect asked, blinking like a confused squirrel.
My words were meant for Sophia, but I was staring dead into Erect's eyes like we were on a date.
Snap out of it, Racis. You're a man. A Hero King.
Stop acting like a hormonal schoolboy in a Victorian romance.
Also—she's fourteen. Calm your inner degeneracy.
"Ahem. I was talking to your sister."
I turned to Sophia. She smiled.
Heart, don't you dare. She's just a human. A minor. A red zone.
Beware the flesh, brother. Thou shall not simp.
"Sophia, he will stay with us for a few days. We have to take good care of him," Erect said.
Sophia lit up like a Christmas tree on cocaine.
"Great! I'll prepare dinner for you both!"
She ran ahead, barefoot like a Studio Ghibli character on speed. Erect and I followed.
"Forgive her if she says anything out of line, my lord. She's just a child."
You should forgive me if I say something out of line, Erect. I'm fighting demons right now.
"Don't worry. I won't mind anything," I said with a smile that belonged on a court sketch artist's desk.
We entered the house. It was exactly what I expected: modest, small, and full of innocent memories I planned to desecrate just by existing.
I collapsed onto the sofa like a war general with PTSD from horny thoughts.
Deactivated my armor skill. Regular clothes now. Less sexy. Safer.
"Would you like tea or coffee, my lord?" Sophia asked from the kitchen.
They have tea and coffee in this world too? Back at the village, my parents only made me drink milk.
"Give me both."
"Hehe. Sure~" she replied, full Disney princess mode.
"And no need to call me 'my lord.' Erect is just formal like that."
"Oh! Then what should I call you?"
I wanted to say "Call me mine", but the age gap would leap out and beat me with a belt. So I pulled a reverse UNO:
"Just call me whatever you want."
It's not like she will outright call me her brot-
"I will call you big brother then. I have two brothers now!"
Of course. Just like that, I got spiritually castrated.
Just kill me, Supreme Man. Why do I have good looks if I am not allowed to get any girls?
"After my parents died, I only had my brother. It was lonely. But now I have you too. Thank you for coming."
She dropped emotional bombs like it was Hiroshima: Orphan Edition.
Now I can't even flirt without looking like a predator in denial.
If those aliens hadn't murdered her parents, I wouldn't be emotionally trapped in this family sitcom.
"Sure… you're my little sister from now on."
"Yay~!"
She clapped like we just adopted each other. My romantic subplot got Thanos-snapped.
I erased all impure thoughts like a monk during No Nut November.
'Turn Off my Stats. I have no reason to show off my strengths now.'
[ Stats Off! ]
Head leaned back. Waiting for my beverages like a retired mafia boss in a cozy café.
She arrived with four cups like a caffeine fairy on a mission.
Two for me, one for her, one for Erect.
I sipped tea first. It was nice.
Don't ask me for taste descriptions—I speak with vibes, not with MasterChef palettes.
"Where are your parents, Big Brother?" Sophia asked.
I kept sipping.
"She's asking you, my lord," said Erect, channeling his inner Siri.
"Oh. Right. I forgot I'm her brother now. My bad."
I thought she was asking Erect.
Why would she ask her real brother about her own dead parents?
I'm dumber than I look.
"They're in the Milkers village. Just me here now. But maybe I'll bring them here. The castle's too big for one dude."
"Yes. You should. I want to meet them too. The parents of the Hero King must be extraordinary."
"Yeah. They are extraordinary."
Especially the males. A Dad—who wants me to chug his milk for "health," And Grandpa—with his dream to bang all non-human races like a horny Pokémon trainer.
I chugged the tea. Then I grabbed the coffee.
It was pure white.
I sniffed it like a wine connoisseur and drank it like it owed me money.
Holy hell. This was GOOD.
I finished it in one gulp. It was tasty. How did she make it?
"The coffee was so good. How did you make it?" I asked.
"Oh. I used the best ingredients for it. Glad you liked it."
"Yeah. What kind of beans did you use?"
"Beans?" Sophia frowned.
I looked at Erect. He also had the same kind of face.
"What beans, my lord?" He asked.
"Beans you know. Coffee beans. Brewing. Get it? How can you make coffee without it?"
"No one uses anything like beans for coffee, big brother."
My eyes widened. I gulped.
"Then what did you use to make this coffee?"
Sophia tilted her head and with indifference, she said :
"Unicorn semen."
…
Hah!
I stood up from the sofa.
"Where's the bathroom, good sir?" I asked Erect.
"Right then left." Erect answered.
I smiled and walked towards that.
"Why the sudden bathroom, my lord?"
I turned around and looked at Erect.
"To cut open my stomach and manually take out the unicorn sperm I just swallowed like it was the Elixir of Life."